Chapter 9 Satan
SATAN
“How in the Hell do you women walk in heels?” I hissed after the third mile of tracking Cred.
Even though Astrid had been gracious enough to give me low heeled sandals with my Prada frock, my fucking feet were killing me.
“Fashion is pain, dude,” she replied in a clipped tone, walking a good two feet in front of me.
My niece was ignoring me for the most part. I didn’t like that. I was fabulous company. She was definitely missing out.
“You gotta suffer for your fuckin’ fashion, Hottie McSnackBuns,” Martha informed me.
“True that,” Jane said, checking her watch. “Speakin’ of being miserable for your dang style, I’m gettin’ me some impressive steps in today, but my hooters are kinda weighin’ me down.”
“Like I said, heifer,” Martha told her, adjusting her own unsightly boulders. “Suffer for your fashion. Ginormo boobies are all the rage!”
“While that is absolutely not the case,” I snapped, “at least your mammoth melons aren’t slicing your heel tendons.”
“Oh my God,” Astrid grumbled, coming to an abrupt stop.
She didn’t say a word as she wiggled her fingers and replaced the stunning sandals with sleek black mesh Prada sneakers.
My look was now classy yet hip, and a lot less painful.
I was tempted to thank her, but she walked away quickly.
Whatever. Gratitude was for pussies like her.
I was Satan. And just to be clear, I was no longer fucking Satan. I was just Satan.
We walked a good ten miles in uneasy silence before we found the correct location.
I was honestly surprised that Cred could walk so far.
From the transmitter I’d conjured up, it was clear the woman had travelled fast. How odd.
Maybe she rode the fucking goat. That had to be it.
There was no way the waddling old nut could sprint so quickly.
“Is this the place?” Lizard asked, glancing around.
“Yes,” I replied. “This is the place.”
The snooker parlor was in a sketchy area.
The asphalt parking lot was pitted and uneven.
A few gutted cars missing tires had been abandoned along the road.
The street lights flickered and several appeared to be riddled with bullet holes.
The parlor was sandwiched between deserted warehouses.
I wasn’t worried for our safety. We were seriously difficult to kill.
However, I found it peculiar that Cred would choose such a shady place to play snooker.
Normally, I enjoyed the dirty underbellies of cities, but I wasn’t working with my own fucking body at the moment. If Critter Steve and Trapper Rick were indeed in the establishment, a punishment coming from Astrid’s body would not hold the same weight as an electrocution coming from my body. Fuck.
Astrid was being a colossal jackass. She had barely acknowledged my presence. I did not enjoy being ignored. Whatever. She’d speak if I spoke to her.
“I’d suggest a game plan,” I said as we stood about a hundred feet from the rusty door to enter the place.
“Such as?” she asked.
I paced the uneven pavement and tried to figure out how I could make her say what I wanted her to say.
The fact that I had no idea what I was going to say didn’t help.
I enjoyed winging it under normal circumstances.
The circumstances were anything but normal.
A solution escaped me. It was rare for me to be at a loss.
However, it was even rarer for me to have lady bits.
“I do not believe you will handle the situation as well as I would,” I said flatly. “Since you’re me and I’m you, this is a problem.
She rolled her eyes. “Ya think?”
She wasn’t helping. She was being a dick. If the situation wasn’t so dire, I’d be impressed with her shitty attitude. But the integrity of my cock was on the line. Dire was an understatement.
Lizard decided to add his two cents. If I had any breath to hold, I would have.
“How about you call Astrid’s cell phone?” he said, taking a bow.
“That’s it?” I asked. Surely not. Lizard was bizarre but not stupid.
“Oh right!” he said with a laugh as he chomped on his gum. “Astrid can pretend that she lost her voice and has to use the cell phone to communicate,” he explained. “She can put you on speaker phone.”
“Go on,” I said, intrigued. It was strange, but Lizard was a baffling man.
“You won’t have to worry about Astrid talking for you since you’ll be talking for yourself. You can handle it exactly the way you would handle it if you had your own wanker in your pants.”
“Excellent!” I shouted. My BFF was sharp.
“Not,” Astrid ground out with an exasperated sigh.
“With all due respect to Lizard, it’s a fucking idiotic plan.
First, Uncle Fucker has my voice, not his.
If I stand there with a phone and let a female voice speak for me, it’s not gonna work.
Secondly, I made friends with Critter Steve and Trapper Rick when I met them in London a while back. They might recognize my voice.”
“Wait,” I said, holding up a hand and trying a new angle. “How about you pretend to have lost your voice and you brought me along to speak for you! It’s genius. You just stand there as me looking gorgeous and badass. I, as you… as me… shall do all the talking.”
“Did you hear my second point?” she asked. “They know me. I like them. They like me. Not gonna fly, dumbass.”
She wasn’t pleased. She could join the club.
“And while we’re chatting about stupid shit,” Astrid continued. “What exactly did the Demons do to get the night soil men punishment?”
“Insolence,” I reminded her.
“Sure. But what did they do? Define the insolence.”
Fuck. I couldn’t recall. It must have been bad. Of course, it was bad. I wasn’t a dick. Well, I was a dick, but not a dick-dick.
“Lizard,” I commanded. “Answer Astrid.”
“Wasn’t there, chief,” he said. “I don’t know what the boys did to deserve such a crappy punishment.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
The expression on Astrid’s slash my face was one of disbelief. “Holy crap. You don’t know, do you?”
“Of course I do,” I snarled. “I’m the Devil. I know everything! And I will not tolerate being interrogated.”
She laughed. Hard. The sound wasn’t joyful or filled with humor.
It was filled with incredulousness. I was very tempted to electrocute her, but didn’t.
It was appalling to admit she was right.
There was no way in Hell I would tell her that she was correct…
but she was. I had no idea why I’d sent Critter Steve and Trapper Rick into the cesspits of London.
Whatever. It didn’t matter. What was done was done. The cretins were obviously still alive and kicking if they had a snooker date with the whack job Cred. They were probably living it up in London having a grand old time. It was very likely I’d done them a favor. I was good like that.
However, I felt a little less inclined to electrocute the assholes. That was new and different for me. Sogdroth would have a fucking field day with that info. I was not going to tell the bastard. Going soft wasn’t a good look for the Devil.
“Fine,” I ground out through clenched teeth. “We shall go with your plan.”
“Which one?” Astrid asked.
“The one where we go in and you drop your pants to show them MY HUGE cock. It would be quite helpful if you’re able to get them to take back the rumor and beg for mercy.
Preferably, on their knees. It would possibly eliminate the necessity of electrocution.
Then… and only then, will you make a very lame and vague expression of slight regret for sending them to the cesspits.
You will avoid the words, I’m sorry, like the plague.
I’d suggest something like, it’s quite regrettable that you might have felt slighted by the penalty for your insolence. ”
“That’s pathetic, Pussycat,” Astrid informed me.
“It is what it is, Dickie,” I shot back. “Even though I would love to dismember the fuckers for rudely downplaying the size of my magnificent cock, I’m being a team player, which is killing me by the way. I’ve decided that by making them eat their words, I will be mostly satisfied.”
“Big of you,” she said.
“Yes. I agree. Also, Martha and Jane, I would like you to record the exposure of my colossal cock for future use on the internet to dissuade anyone who might have believed the dastardly gossip.”
“On it,” Martha assured me.
“Should we get a closeup?” Jane asked.
“Oh my Hell, no,” Astrid said.
I covertly gave the two old dingbats a thumbs up. A close-up of my magnificent manhood would be outstanding.
“Move,” Lizard said under his breath. “Now.”
I wasn’t sure what he saw or why he was so insistent, but I moved quickly into the shadows near an overflowing dumpster. Astrid, Jane and Martha beat me there.
“Get down,” Lizard instructed.
We squatted en masse. Lizard quietly pointed to a group approaching the snooker parlor.
They were all huge, bald, tatted and armed within an inch of their lives.
They were not human. There were ten of them, and they were Fairies.
I didn’t particularly enjoy Fairies. I’d been banned from Zanthia for bullshit reasons I couldn’t even remember.
“Fuck,” Astrid muttered.
“What?” I whispered, watching them talk and laugh amongst themselves before entering the establishment.
“It’s the Fairy Gang,” she told me. “They’re on the Most Wanted list in Zanthia for murder and mutilation. They went on a mass killing spree of their own people—men, women and children.”
“Seriously?” I asked through clenched teeth. I might not like Fairies in general, but I did like children. A lot. I didn’t give a shit about the species. “Why don’t I fucking know about this?”
“It was on the agenda last month, boss,” Lizard said.