Chapter 9 Satan #2
I rolled my eyes. I didn’t read the damn agendas.
They were sent out every week by my do-gooder brother, God.
It was meant to keep the Immortal world connected.
After I’d read the notice about the seven-course meal in Nirvana that Mother Nature was hosting a few years back, I ignored the agendas completely.
I didn’t care about connecting with idiots, and I certainly wasn’t going to get poisoned by my mother’s cooking.
However, I might start skimming the agendas in the future…
“Why are they running rampant on Earth? Why isn’t Gemma controlling her people?” I demanded, pissed.
“They’ve been on it, but these bastards are tricky,” Astrid muttered. “I did read my agenda and God said that the Fairy Gang was set on causing chaos within all the species leading to us to end our own kinds. God also said they were focused on the Demons first.”
“What the actual fuck?” I ground out.
“Dude, dude, dude,” she said as a slow dastardly grin pulled at her lips. Astrid’s eyes narrowed and her hands began to spark. “Relax your crack. I say change of plans.”
I grinned back and was well aware that my eyes were shooting flames. “I’m listening.”
“While I have committed to dropping trou and showing off your enormous wank, I think we should mow down some evil murdering bastards first. Just a little fun with some justice thrown in. You know, getting rid of some bad rubbish before the wank reveal.”
I eyed her. “Me likey, Dickie,” I replied with a chuckle. “The Fairy Queen will owe us.”
“Not why we’re doing it, Pussycat,” she said with a disgusted shake of her head. “We’re doing it because they’re freaking murderers and we’re going to stop them before they harm again. Killing for sport makes my ass itch.”
I figured she’d balk at the favor part. Gemma, the Fairy Queen, was her bestie. Didn’t matter. I’d definitely call in a favor. A big one.
“Little worried my hooters are gonna get in the way of offin’ shitass Fairies,” Martha lamented.
“True that,” Jane grunted. “We shoulda asked Connie for C cups. These bong-bongs are a hot shitshow.”
I spoke before I thought. “You will stay out here. I forbid you from going in,” I commanded.
“You strange freaks are the mates of my best friend and your deaths would be unacceptable. Plus, Elle would have my ass in a sling if you croaked on my clock. For reasons unknown to me, my mate and my child adore you idiots.”
The moment I realized what I’d said, I slapped my hand over my mouth. What the Hell? That was nice. I wasn’t nice. What the fuck was happening to me? Was it the vagina? It had to be the vagina. Getting rid of the vagina was paramount.
Four sets of eyes stared at me, wide with shock. I was certain mine matched.
“What the heck?” Astrid gasped out with a huge smile. “That was beautiful, Uncle Fucker.”
I closed my eyes and willed myself not to set her on fire.
This was one of the worst days of my life.
“It was not beautiful. It was… strategic,” I said flatly.
I should have stopped there. My brain didn’t get the message.
“Lizard would be a wreck if his hookers ceased to be. That would mean he wouldn’t be available to go to Times Square with me on Friday and play dead. ”
“I’m sorry, what?” Astrid asked, laughing.
“Cakehole. Shut it,” I snarled. “None of this happened. Erase the last few sentences I spoke, or I will be forced to destroy your lives.”
“Roger that,” Jane said with a grin so wide it had to hurt.
“Spanky LeSpankHiney likes us!” Martha added.
“I do not like you,” I hissed. “I have never liked you and Hell will have to freeze over before I like you.”
“Right, Pussycat,” Astrid said with a chuckle. “Whatever you say.”
This was getting entirely out of hand. My need for violence was enormous, much like my cock. Decapitating homicidal Fairies was just what I needed.
Lizard patted my back in thanks for looking out for his hookers’ safety. I ignored it, but had to secretly admit that it felt nice.
“We’re too recognizable,” Lizard said, his beady eyes a little wild as he choked up on his bat, ready to rumble. “The minute we walk in, it’s gonna be a problem.”
“He’s right,” Astrid said. “Changing our physical appearance is too risky. It might screw with the spell, but I can change the outfits.”
I quite liked my Prada frock, but my niece was correct.
The element of surprise was key. If the Fairy Fuckers saw Satan and the Vampyres’ Chosen One walk in, they’d hightail it out and escape.
That wasn’t in the plan tonight. The program included beheading savage assholes, followed by the reveal of my huge member and then a few rounds of snooker. It was a solid game plan.
“Oh! Shit on a stick,” Martha choked out. “Lady Cred is in there. She’s human!”
“Balls,” Jane cried out. “Ain’t no way Cred can live through somethin’ like that!”
I looked at Astrid. She looked at me. It was very clear we were thinking the same thing. I wasn’t so sure old Lady Cred was human at all. I didn’t know what she was, but something was off.
“You think?” I asked.
She shook her head. “Don’t know,” she replied. “I’d sure like to find out, though.”
“Ladies and gent,” Lizard said. “The time to move is now.”
“All good with a new disguise?” Astrid inquired, back to business.
“Do it,” I ordered.
She did.
Lizard was now wearing mom jeans, a flowy pink top and lavender tennis shoes.
Astrid topped it off with a blonde wig styled in an unflattering bob.
It was truly alarming and it was all I could do not to scream.
Lizard was an unattractive man and a heinous-looking woman.
To Astrid’s credit, the Demon looked nothing like himself.
Lizard gave Astrid a thumbs up and a lopsided grin.
“Hawt!” Jane said with a giggle.
“Smexy,” Martha agreed.
“Next,” Astrid said, waving her hand over her head.
The fashionable Armani suit disappeared and was replaced with baggy gray track pants, a navy Mickey Mouse sweat shirt and white Keds.
I didn’t scream aloud, but my internal horror was fully evident on my face.
She wasn’t finished. The unflattering baseball cap disappeared and was replaced with an even more unflattering wig.
It was dishwater brownish and so shaggy, it covered most of my handsome face.
While I understood the whats and whys of what she’d done, it was tremendously traumatizing to see myself like that.
I was no longer magnificent. I was just okay, like if Wonder Bread was a person.
“Your turn,” Astrid said, wiggling her fingers in my face.
Gone was the Prada frock with pockets. Gone were the stylish Prada mesh tennis shoes. I was now wearing a beige polyester one piece pantsuit with sensible brown orthopedic shoes. The material was itchy on my skin and beyond fugly.
“Hell, can’t I wear cotton, for fucks sake?” I griped, pulling at the neck of the suit. The saying beware of what you wish for didn’t occur to me until it was too late.
She shrugged and clapped her hands.
She granted my wish and gave me cotton… I was now wearing shit-brown gauchos made of sweat pant material.
They were unsightly and woefully out of style.
The top, also cotton, was a ribbed beige turtleneck with tiny daisies on it.
The gag-worthy kicker were the chocolate brown knee socks and the light-pink running shoes.
Of course, I got a wig too. The brown hair, that matched the fucking gauchos, had bangs that grazed my chin.
I looked like Cousin It from the Addams Family.
“Really?” I snapped.
“Really,” she replied with a giggle. “Although…”
Astrid conjured up a few bobby pins and arranged the disastrous wig so I could at least see. My face was still covered, but I wasn’t blind.
“Y’all look like America tourists,” Jane commented.
“Perfect,” Astrid said. “One more thing. Uncle Fucker, can you do a little hoo-doo so our power isn’t evident to the enemy?”
It was an excellent request. If we’d gone to all the trouble to look like fashion impaired abominations, it would be a shame if we were recognized by the power of our magic. I snapped my fingers and muted the intensity. We were still as potent as normal, but it didn’t appear that way.
“We ready to kick some ass?” Lizard asked with a devious smirk.
“Born ready,” Astrid said.
“Ditto,” I added. “Shall we get the party started?”
The chorus of yeses was music to my ears. A good smackdown always made me feel better—especially when it was well deserved.