Chapter 15 Satan #2
The party in my pants began with a scream.
It was Astrid, but it was my voice. Chuck and crew were confused.
That was lovely, it gave me a moment to decapitate Chuck’s chum who I decided to call, Yuck.
Chuck, Fuck, Schmuck and Yuck had a nice ring.
Yuck never saw me coming. I was that good.
However, the party in my pants was ramping up along with the seven remaining evil mofos.
Shit was about to get weird. Apparently, Astrid forgot about coming out of my pants before she reversed the shrinking spell.
“BIG BOY PANTS, MOTHER FUCKER,” she shouted, going back to full size while still in my pants.
Lizard, not one to be left out, also yelled, Big Boy Pants, Motherfucker, while hanging onto my leg. That was awkward. However, the awkward that took the cake was that I had two full-sized adults in my pantaloons and it was not going well.
The sound of the pants ripping from seam to seam should have been mortifying. It wasn’t. I was so delighted not to be wearing the purple pantaloons anymore, I was giddy. Thankfully, I was wearing panties.
Jane and Martha were tossed into the air as the pantaloons bit the dust. They went full size as they soared and landed on either side of Ethan. The Chaos of the moment gave them the opening to grab the dagger from a flabbergasted Fuck.
“Is this the asshole you wanted disemboweled?” Jane yelled, pointing at Fuck with the dagger.
“The one and only,” I said, pulling Astrid and Lizard to their feet.
Martha and Jane didn’t waste a second. Fuck was disemboweled and beheaded in less than a minute. The old gals impressed me.
“Hey Chuck!” I bellowed, taking the sword that Astrid handed me. “Have you met Satan? He’s really jazzed to make your acquaintance.” I grinned at Astrid. “Go on over, Satan and get to know Chuck. He’s a dick and not the good kind.”
I didn’t have to ask twice. My beautiful niece, wearing my skin, attacked Chuck like he held the last piece of food in the Universe and she was starving. Chuck didn’t stand a fucking chance.
“How many left?” Lizard called out as he thwacked the head off Schmuck.
“Four,” I shouted as I used the sword to get rid of yet another asshole. “Wait. Make that three.”
“Two,” Lizard grunted as he knocked a head off so violently with his bat, it flew through the window shattering the glass.
“One,” Martha shrieked as she and Jane decapitated one who was trying to get to Ethan and end him. Those old bags were protecting Ethan like they’d given birth to the man.
Maybe Elle was correct about having them as our nannies for Luke. Their protective violent streak was unmatched. It was difficult to admit when I was wrong, but I was wrong about the hookers. They were outstanding—annoying, but outstanding.
“None” Astrid announced, holding the head of the last remaining smelly asshole in the room.
She immediately turned and sprinted to Ethan. Carefully removing the needle from his arm, she lovingly kissed his forehead. Lizard was all over it removing the silver chains that bound the Vampyre as silver didn’t affect Demons.
Slowly, very slowly, he began to come to.
“Satan?” he asked, his voice rough and unsteady. “Did you just kiss me on the forehead?”
“Umm… no,” Astrid said quickly, backing away. “No, I was checking your… umm… temperature with my, you know, lips because that’s how we do it in Hell.”
It took a lot for me not to laugh. However, when Astrid came up behind me and pushed me toward Ethan, I was no longer laughing. At all. Talk about awkward.
“Astrid,” Ethan whispered brokenly, holding out his hand. “You’re okay.”
“Yes,” I said. “I’m Astrid and I’m okay.”
I was sure I heard Lizard, Martha, Jane and Satan, who wasn’t Satan, moan.
Taking one for the team, I grasped Ethan’s hand and pretended he was my son.
It was the only way I could fake being my niece, Ethan’s wife, and still function.
“Sleep. We’ll get you back to the Cressida House soon.
We still have ten more Oklahoma Vamps to off.
They’re glued in their coffins at the moment. ”
“I’m sorry, what?” he asked, confused.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, brushing the man’s hair off of his face. “I’ll just pop upstairs and kill them. It’ll be fun!”
I definitely heard Astrid groan. What the fuck did she want me to say? I wasn’t good at this shit.
“No. No killing,” Ethan whispered as his eyes began to close in exhaustion. Thankfully, his color was coming back. He would make it. “We use them to make an example out of what happens when you fuck with us.”
“How?” I asked. I was all in for decapitation. This was a twist I didn’t expect.
“You choose, my love,” he whispered.
I looked over at Astrid, and she shrugged.
Well, fuck. Then… an idea hatched. A lovely, horrible, devious idea. “I know what to do.”
“Not surprising, Astrid,” Ethan said with a hint of a smile. “Tell me.”
“We make them eat. Food,” I clarified. “For a hundred years. Every day. Ten hours a day. They will be in convulsive agony twenty-four-seven. We can even sell tickets so other Vamps with nefarious plans will think twice. And… we can give the money from the ticket sales to the families of the victims the bastards murdered. And charities. Anonymously, of course. Win, Win. It will teach those assholes a lesson they will never in a million years forget.”
“Holy shit,” Ethan muttered with a weak laugh. “That’ll make our people think before they murder humans for sport or come for me and mine. Brilliant.”
He couldn’t keep his eyes open. The man fell asleep unknowingly holding the hand of the Devil.
Gently releasing his hand, I stood frozen in my spot.
I didn’t want to turn around. I’d just suggested giving money to charities.
I didn’t give money to fucking charities.
Well, maybe I did, but that was for me to know and nobody to fucking find out.
My dick reputation was in tatters. What the Hell had I done?
“Uncle Fucker?” Astrid whispered as Ethan slept soundly.
“Yes?” I replied with my back still to her.
“I need you to turn around. Please.”
They were all going to laugh. I could feel it. Whatever. I’d just be a dickier dick for the next few years to make up for this oversight.
“Please,” she repeated.
“Fine,” I said. It was time to face the embarrassing music. At least, I wasn’t wearing the purple pantaloons anymore. That might have killed me.
I turned and looked at her. The smile on her face was wide and sincere. And… her arms were extended.
I squinted at her. “What are you doing?”
“I respect you,” she said.
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely,” she said. “You did me better than I would have done me. Granted, I probably lost a few years off my eternal life when you demanded names, but it was brilliant. You were brilliant.”
The sensation in my chest was wild. I felt light and free, and dare I say…
happy. Astrid had walked in my shoes. I’d walked in hers.
She was still a pussy and I was still a dick, but I’d added a touch of pussy into my vocabulary and it didn’t kill me.
It made me better. And hopefully, she added a little dick to her life.
“You did me better than I could have at the snooker parlor,” I admitted. “However, I’d like that to stay in this room.”
“Roger that,” she said with a giggle.
I gave Lizard and his hookers an exacting stare. All three vowed never to speak of the incident.
I turned my attention back to my niece. “I really do respect you, Astrid.”
“Right back at you, Uncle Fucker.”
The hug was lovely. The love and respect between us were real. I wasn’t lying. She wasn’t lying. A very, very, very small part of me would miss being Astrid. Not enough to ever switch again, but the experience left me a changed man. Changed in a good way.
The shift back into our own bodies was fast and painless. It tickled. I was me again. And Astrid was Astrid. The magic was warm and cleansing—like a spring rain shower.
“Hi, Astrid,” I said, looking down at the pretty face of my niece.
“Hi to you too, Uncle Fucker,” she said. “We did it. We reversed the spell. Should we tell Mother Nature?”
I shook my head and laughed. “No. Let that terrible woman suffer. In fact, when we see her next, I say we pretend we’re still switched.”
Astrid laughed. “That’s a dick move, dude.”
“Thank you, Dickie.”
She touched my cheek and smiled. “You’re very welcome, Pussycat.”