Epilogue
ASTRID
Much to my infinite pleasure, Ethan was healing from the silver poisoning inflicted by the Oklahoma league of assholes.
It had taken a long three weeks for him to be out of the danger zone.
More healing time than usual for a Vampyre, but silver poisoning was no joke, and he’d been in bad shape and near true death when we’d rescued him.
I’d barely left his side during his recovery.
Not even for a moment. There was no way I would leave him vulnerable to another attack when he couldn’t protect himself.
He kept telling me about the strangest dreams he was having. There was one where he watched as Satan and I switch bodies. Another, where the Devil kissed him. I just laughed and called him silly. Eventually, I’d tell him the whole story. The truth really was stranger than fiction.
As for my dreams… they were about food. It was nothing but ice cream, burgers, French fries with ketchup all night.
Every night. Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to be me again, but a tiny part of me missed being Uncle Fucker.
Mostly because I missed being able to eat, hence the maddening dreams, but it was also more than that.
I’d learned a lot about the Devil in a very short period of time.
I’d always loved him, but I hadn’t ever really understood him.
Honestly, it had to be difficult seeing people and other beings as more than insects when you lived millions of years.
I could see how much, in his own way, he tried not to be a tyrant, even if he didn’t always succeed.
Understanding that was the first step in respecting him.
As crazy as it seemed, I respected the Hell out him now—pun intended.
I’d cherish the short time we’d played out our real-life Freaky Friday—a movie I’d watched with Ethan during his recovery.
I figured when it came time to explain to him what happened, he’d have a leg up on the craziness.
Mother Nature’s methods were madness, but her results couldn’t be argued with.
Uncle Fucker and I were both changed by the experience.
As True Immortals, being reminded of the consequences of our actions every once in a while was probably a good thing.
Of course, we’d pranked her good after. The insane in the membrane woman had lost her damn mind when she’d believed we still inhabited each other’s bodies during Samuel’s most recent birthday party.
Satan had done a fabulous Astrid meltdown and even got down on the floor and sobbed.
I threw a tantrum full of arrogance and entitlement that had made my uncle proud.
Mother Nature literally passed out in horror when she’d thought her spell had gone awry and had become irreversible.
Pouring a large bucket of ice water over her to bring her out of her passed out state was horribly delightful.
Good times. Plus, she deserved it for her sneaky stunt.
Samuel, true to the witch’s word, didn’t remember anything about his visit. That was a relief. The young man had enough going on in his life without worrying about me. Although, he did mention he’d had a dream about me doing a play in Hell…
Satan, Lizard, Henderson and Wipe did indeed play dead in Time Square and the four of them had ended up in jail.
They’d missed making the seventh inning stretch of the Yankees game their bitch due to incarceration, but there was always next time.
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix had bailed the idiots out.
The witch and Wipe were an item now. They often went on double dates with Lizard, Martha and Jane.
Ethan and I had been invited to join their outings multiple times.
We politely passed, citing Ethan’s recovery.
Every. Single. Time. I would have to come up with another excuse once he no longer needed me as his bodyguard.
I’ll admit that once Ethan started feeling better, it had been nice to have him as a captive audience in bed. I very much enjoyed showing him how much I loved the body I was guarding, but that was a story just for us.
As to the mystery of Connie Raven Enid Delacroix, the secret slipped out on the night of Samuel’s birthday.
She was mostly human, but she’d been around a hella long time.
The beans about her origin were revealed after Connie and Gigi had drank a few too many tequila sunrises and way too many vodka shots.
The story, it turned out, was actually kinda sweet.
Seven thousand years ago, Connie had used her earth magic to help Gigi create Nirvana—one of the most stunning places in the Universe.
Gigi was depressed she couldn’t get it just right, and she’d turned to the witch.
All of the flowers, trees and landscaping had been compliments of Connie.
Mother Nature couldn’t bear to let Connie go, so she offered her a deal.
Immortality without being Immortal. If at any time, Connie decided she wanted to live out what would be considered a natural human life, Mother Nature would see to it that her wish was granted.
I was growing to like Connie. Uncle Fucker still didn’t trust the witch. That was the dicky part of him.
Henderson had migrated to the states and was now living at the Cressida House.
He was a hoot. He and Vinnie had become the best of friends.
His plethora of useless trivia had made him quite popular on game nights with the other Vamps.
It was strange the way people came into my life, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
I had wonderful friends and a wonderful family.
Gemma and The Kev were thrilled and grateful that we’d taken care of the Fairy Gang problem.
Satan bargained for favors because, of course, he did.
He was granted a boon of one visit every year for one hour in Zanthia.
He was thrilled. He despised being banned from places.
And the list was long of places he wasn’t allowed to step a pinkie toe in, though technically, I doubted if any place could keep him out.
But now that I understood him better, I got why he obeyed the rules of these bans—at least some of them.
If he respected the leaders, he let them have autonomy over their lands.
It was pretty un-dickish for a card-carrying member of the dick club.
The Oklahoma Vampyres punishment was a financial hit.
Already, a million dollars in ticket sales had gone to both the victims’ families and a long list of charities secretly chosen by Satan.
Our people were horrified and fascinated to watch the evil idiots eat their own weight in food then writhe in agony for hours after each meal.
It definitely made the undead think before they broke any of the Immortal laws.
Of course, no one but Martha, Jane, Lizard and me knew the brilliant idea had been Satan’s, and we would take the secret to our graves.
Uncle Fucker would lose his mind if the world stopped believing he was a dick. Who was I to ruin his fantasy?
For the time being, the Vampyre world was quiet.
I knew it wouldn’t last, but I’d take the semblance of peace when I could get it.
Ethan and I were going back to London for a break.
I was bummed I wouldn’t be able to enjoy fish and chips with vinegar, but the food wasn’t the only thing to enjoy about the city.
We had plans to do all the tourist attractions with Critter Steve and Trapper Rick.
The boys lived in Hell now and their business was killing it.
Satan could never truly make it up to the Demons, but he was trying, and that counted.
Sadly, the Pantaloon Platoon was no longer a working unit. Uncle Fucker had burned the purple eyesores off the face of the earth. But… who knew what the future might bring? If needed, we would deliver. We were good like that. Long live the Pantaloon Platoon.
Our Freaky Friday adventure had nearly cost me my body and the man I loved, but I’d met the challenge full on, and we all got to the other side in our own bodies, and Ethan was very much alive.
For now, I would enjoy every moment I could get with him. I crawled into bed with my man, and Ethan encircled me in his arms. Tilting my head back, he kissed me in a way that curled my toes. After, he gazed down at my face, a crooked smile played on his lips. “You good?”
“I’m me, and I’ve got you,” I said, kissing him again. “So, I’m better than good. I’m freaking great.”
The End… for now