Chapter 10 #2
“I won’t tell you not to. You’ve earned that hate,” I said, my voice as soft as the hands I had used to take care of her. “But magic like yours doesn’t happen to just anyone. It was entrusted to you. You were chosen to carry this magic.”
Her jaw tightened, and she looked away. I could feel how tightly she held herself together while the pressure threatened to unravel her.
“I’m a monster, Brent,” she said, each word heavier than the next. “What I do isn’t . . .”
“Do you remember when we were younglings and would marvel over the dragons?” Slowly, she returned my gaze.
“We thought them invincible because they could wield fire without burning themselves. But that’s not true.
Hoshiko told me that his fire burns him.
His scales protect his body, but only just. When he breathes it, it scalds his throat and tongue. ”
I dipped the rag in the water again, giving her a chance to breathe and simply be.
“He chooses to wield it despite the cost because he and the other dragons were entrusted with fire magic.” I looked at her, at the raw glimmer of magic that barely held beneath the surface of her skin despite the hours she’d spent releasing it.
“Like them, you weren’t given gentle magic.
It’s something unfamiliar and powerful, and I know it hurts you.
I see the many ways it’s hurt you. It doesn’t make you a monster, Lolli.
You use your magic to protect, to survive.
I’ve seen you be merciful when your magic could destroy.
You aren’t monstrous, my love. You are a dragon. Burned, yet still standing.”
Her breathing slowed, her tight features slackening.
Once I finished tending to her under her watchful eyes, I reached for the bowl of broth and helped her sit up.
Her shoulders folded forward, and it took every bit of self-control not to cradle her in my arms simply so I could hold her for the rest of the night.
“I can’t eat,” she said.
“Just a few bites,” I said, tipping her chin up. “What kind of nursemaid would I be if I didn’t feed you?”
She smirked. “You’re going to feed me?”
“Does the idea excite you?” I raised my brows, enjoying the way her pale cheeks pinkened with her blush.
Glaring at me, she opened her mouth when I brought the spoon to her. One spoonful. Then another. After the fourth, she shook her head.
“I can’t.” She lay down. “You have the rest.”
“By myself?” I teased, giving her a smile. “Where’s my nursemaid to feed me?”
Quickly, I brought the bowl to my lips, drinking what was left of the broth.
It landed hard, twisting in my upset gut and making my head throb a little worse.
I waited a few beats for the dizziness to disappear, all the while smiling at my mate who hadn’t yet looked away from me.
After setting the bowl down, I lifted the blanket to her shoulders, tucking her in with a long kiss to her forehead.
With a featherlight touch, her hand wrapped around my wrist. “Will you . . .” Her eyes caught mine, flickering across my face. “Will you hold me?”
I hesitated, visions of Etienne and Finley gripping my chest like a vise. How many times had she asked him to hold her?
As if sensing my thoughts, she rushed on. “It’s not like that with Etienne and me. It’s never been like that.”
My breath caught. Never?
The word didn’t settle. It bounced against the inside of my skull, unable to find a place to land.
Never.
Her eyes held mine, a flash of rare vulnerability flashing behind them. “He’s—we’re friends. That’s all we’ve ever been. Friends.” She breathed the last word.
Friends.
For several beats, I couldn’t feel my hands. All I could do was stare at her.
Years of assumptions, of carefully construed distance, splintered in an instant.
Every time I’d stepped back. Every time I’d swallowed the urge to reach for her because I believed I had already been unchosen.
Unchosen.
Too unwanted.
Standing where I no longer belonged.
The vise around my chest didn’t loosen. It shattered.
Hope surged up so violently that it made me dizzy.
Had I misunderstood everything? All their lingering looks. Their clasped hands. How she’d stood near Etienne, seemed comfortable there.
Gods.
All this time, I’d thought I was the one trespassing. That I had imagined the moments she seemed to stand closer to me without meaning to.
“Never?” I repeated, barely trusting my voice. As if saying it aloud might make it vanish.
Her expression softened. “Never.”
A strange, almost bitter laugh wanted to claw its way up my throat. I had built my restraint around an illusion. A ghost of something that never existed.
This, me holding her, wouldn’t be a betrayal against Etienne. Instead, she was asking me to be what fate always intended—the one who held her when the world broke around her.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, my voice rough with all the things I couldn’t say. Not until you tell me to.
I stretched out beside her, wrapping my arm around her waist while she drew her back close to my chest. In the quiet that followed us, I held her the only way I knew how. As if she were my forever and I her everything.
She threaded her fingers with mine, and when she spoke, her words came softly. “This morning, before we left . . .” Her breath caught. “Etienne asked me to give you and me a try. He wants me to allow myself to love you and feel the way you love me.”
“Is that why you were crying?” I asked, hurting over her heartache, anger simmering over Etienne’s callous words.
“You have no right, Etienne. No right.”
“I have every right.”
“I was crying . . .” Her hold on me tightened, and I could scent the tears she tried to hold back.
“You say I’m not a monster, but am I not?
While a male I love was being brutalized, I went and fell for another male.
What if my joy lies with you, and to be happy, I must be monstrous?
You are filled with light, Brent. How selfish am I to want you, knowing my presence will darken yours? ”
“If being monstrous is the price for your joy, then wear it like a crown.” For a beat, I couldn’t breathe.
When I finally inhaled, it was as if I had truly never breathed before.
My heart slammed against the confines of its cage.
And hope, that same reckless hope flared stronger.
It was hot and blinding, and I wanted to grasp it.
Wanted to trust it, claim it. “If I am who you choose, then I will match your darkness, unflinching and unwavering.”
She turned slowly to face me. I cupped her face, forcing her to see the truth that burned inside me.
“But you are mistaken,” I said. “You don’t darken me. You never have. You are my light. The only light I’ve ever wanted to follow.” I paused, letting her take in my words while that infernal hope refused to lessen. “You said what Etienne wants for you, but what do you want for yourself?”
She placed her hand over my heart. “What I’ve always wanted.”
My eyes bounced over her, trying to take apart every expression that crossed her beautiful face. I swallowed hard.
“What is it you’ve always wanted?”
“You,” she said. “My squishy.”
Her reply, her calling me her squishy, should’ve made me laugh. Should’ve broken the tension wide open. I pulled in a breath.
She meant it.
I stared at her. At my fierce, battered mate, who’d repeatedly pushed me away but now looked at me like I was something safe. Something real.
“I—you have me, Lolli.” My voice broke. “All of me. I’m yours just as I’ve always been.”
While her lips didn’t stretch into a wide smile, the smile was there, living in her brilliant but tired eyes.
When her head found my chest with her hand still resting atop my heart, I let myself believe in forever. That she wouldn’t turn me away again. Not this time. And I pulled her even closer, just in case she forgot she wanted to stay.