Chapter 32
The early hours of their departure dawned gray and overcast, matching Elizabeth’s mood as she stood at the stern of the Mary Catherine.
Constantinople’s magnificent prospect receding into the morning haze.
The great dome of Hagia Sophia caught the filtered sunlight one last time, its ancient stones glowing like amber against the deep blue of the Bosphorus.
“I had not expected to feel such reluctance to leave,” she murmured to Darcy, who carried his own regret. “When we arrived, the city seemed so foreign, so impossibly different from everything we knew. Yet now…”
“Now it feels like we are leaving a friend behind,” he said, his gaze fixed on the shore where their new acquaintances were undoubtedly beginning their own day.
“Aylin and her family were delightful.”
He reached for her hand and brought it up to his lips. “What of us? What is your impression of how you and I are managing together since Gibraltar?”
Elizabeth considered the cultural challenges they had navigated.
Hesitantly, she began, “We seem to work well together when faced with the unfamiliar. You listen when I offer suggestions. I trust your judgment when firmness is required. We seem to complement each other’s strengths.
” The truth of it was undeniable. This journey had been filled with positive interactions between them.
“Indeed, we do,” Darcy replied. “I look forward to facing other challenges together in the future.”
The future. The words hung between them like a promise.
Meanwhile, the Mary Catherine’s sails caught the wind, beginning her journey toward Egypt and the final stage of their quest.
That evening, the sea stretched endlessly as the sun began its descent toward the western horizon. Elizabeth stood alone at the bow, savoring the refreshing spray and the gentle warmth of the evening breeze. The evening watch had just changed, and most of her companions were below.
“Might I join you?”
Elizabeth welcomed Darcy. Since leaving Rome, the warmth of the Mediterranean sunshine had made it impossible for the gentlemen to wear their coats during the day. Seeing him with his sleeves rolled up and his shirt open at the throat…well, her inner temperature rose by at least ten degrees.
“Strange how familiar the sea has become, how natural this life feels,” he commented as he stepped beside her.
She studied his profile in the golden light. “Do you miss the life you led terribly?” It was something she had wondered―how could a man so tied to his ancestral estate bear to be away from it for months?
Darcy considered her question. “For a certainty, I miss my sister. You will love her, Elizabeth. She has a quiet way about her, a very gentle nature. When she was little, she would bring every small creature she could carry to show our father and me. Each time, we would explain the need to keep it in its own environment. She never understood how they could be happy outside of Pemberley when she was happy on the inside.”
Elizabeth smiled as her heart melted a little. “And what of Pemberley itself?”
“I expected to miss it greatly,” he admitted.
“Since my adulthood, other than during the Season when I was required to be in Town, I resented being away from Pemberley for more than a few weeks at a time. As I was growing up, my father impressed upon me that the estate was not merely my inheritance, but my responsibility…that generations of Darcys had lived and died for that land, and I owed my ancestors my complete dedication.”
“And now?”
“I ask myself whether devotion to a place becomes a prison when it prevents us from experiencing the larger world.” From the tone of his voice, he surprised himself with the admission.
“This journey is revealing aspects of life I never knew existed. Not only the places we have seen, but the person I am becoming when I do not define myself by my role as master of Pemberley.”
Warmth unfurled inside of Elizabeth. “How do you see yourself now?”
Darcy turned to face her more fully, his emotions exposed.
“Someone less rigid, I hope. Less concerned with maintaining rules and more interested in discovering the truth. Someone who can laugh at his own mistakes instead of hiding behind propriety.” A slight smile touched his lips.
“Someone worthy of a woman who walked three miles through mud to care for her sister.”
The reference to that long-ago morning at Netherfield made Elizabeth chuckle. “You have made mention of that more than once.”
“I cherish the memory, Elizabeth,” Darcy said. “As I said before and will say again, I thought you were the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.”
“Because I was disheveled?”
“Because you acted on what mattered most to you without consideration for what others might think. Before then, I had never considered that true elegance has nothing to do with perfect appearance.”
“I fear you give me too much credit. I was simply doing what any sister would do.”
“That is precisely what made it memorable. Caring for those you love comes as naturally to you as breathing. You do not even recognize it as a virtue. It is simply who you are.”
The conversation had ventured into territory more intimate than their courtship had previously explored. Elizabeth chose to continue, skirting around safer topics. “Would you tell me about your childhood? What influenced you the most?”
Darcy grew even more thoughtful, his gaze turning toward the horizon as he gathered memories.
“Duty,” he said. “Every lesson, every conversation, every expectation was filtered through my future responsibilities. A Darcy must be above reproach. Our name carried weight that was not to be diminished by careless behavior.”
“That sounds lonely.” Elizabeth’s heart broke for him a little.
“It was, though I did not recognize it as such until recently.” Darcy was quiet for a moment. “My father was a good man, but he was raised with the same expectations, the same rigid set of rules. Love was expressed through preparation for duty, not affection.
“And your mother?”
“I was twelve when she died,” Darcy sighed. “She was certainly warmer than my father. More inclined to laughter, more interested in books and music than in accounts and estate management. Had she lived longer, I think she might have tempered some of Father’s severity.”
Elizabeth ached for the boy who had lost his mother’s softening influence at such a crucial age. She took his hand in hers. “Do you provide your sister with the warmth your own childhood lacked?”
“Perhaps,” Darcy acknowledged, “though I fear that I have erred in the opposite direction. I may have prevented her from experiences that might have made her stronger.”
“What do you hope for her future?”
“Happiness,” he answered immediately. “Not the careful, constrained existence I originally planned for her, but genuine joy in whatever path she chooses. If she has a life that delights her, I will be content.”
Elizabeth’s eyes misted. “What if she falls in love with a man who has no fortune or great connections?”
“It matters not,” Darcy confirmed. “I recently learned that worth cannot be measured in acres or annual income.”
The complete reversal of his perspective astonished her. “You sound like a different man from the one who once discouraged Bingley from pursuing Jane.”
“It was one of the worst errors of judgment I have ever made. I am wretched for the pain it caused.”
“Jane and Bingley found their way to each other despite your interference,” she said. “Perhaps that makes their happiness even more precious.”
“Perhaps, but that does not excuse my actions.” Darcy shook his head slowly. “Besides trying to escape my own attachment to you, I convinced myself that I was protecting Bingley from an unwise attachment, when in truth I was imposing my own narrow view of what constituted a suitable match.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“You did,” he said simply. “You defended your family with such dignity. Additionally, I saw the love that binds you together despite your differences in temperament. It forced me to recognize that there is wealth that has nothing to do with money.”
“What wealth do you mean?”
“Loyalty. Laughter. Security in knowing you are loved unconditionally, regardless of your flaws. Courage to speak your mind even when it is uncomfortable. Wisdom to see people as they are, not the way society labels them.”
“I believe you possess those qualities as well,” she said.
“Do I?” Darcy asked, genuine uncertainty in his voice. “I have been weighing whether this journey has revealed who I truly am, or whether it has simply allowed me to become someone different.”
“And what is your conclusion?”
“I think perhaps both,” he answered seriously.
“The capacity for change was always within me, but it required the right situation to emerge. Meeting you, facing challenges that could not be solved through wealth or reputation, discovering that the world is far larger and more complex than Pemberley’s boundaries―have combined to strip away pretenses I did not even realize I maintained. ”
She asked, “Are you glad?”
“I am,” he replied. “Even if this ended tomorrow, even if we discover no ancient scrolls in Alexandria, it will be worthwhile for what it has taught me about myself and what matters in life. And it has given me a chance to become the man I hope will win the heart of the woman I love.”
“As I already mentioned, the feelings of the woman you love are far deeper than she initially realized.”
Darcy went very still.
She was delighted at his willingness to share his thoughts and savored this opportunity to learn more. “Fitzwilliam,” she said eventually. “What frightens you most about what lies ahead?”
He was quiet for a long moment, his lips pressed together. Finally, he said, “In Alexandria, I fear for our safety. Wickham is still pursuing us, and we will be venturing into unfamiliar territory with unknown dangers. I fear failing to protect those I care about.”