Chapter 32 #2
“That responsibility is shared among all of us,” Elizabeth stated firmly.
“Your cousin may be dressed in merchant’s clothing, but he is a trained military officer.
My father has been the head of our household for several decades.
I am not a helpless ornament requiring constant protection.
Mrs. Bell knows more than any of us about how to handle herself in these foreign countries.
We are all capable of making informed decisions about acceptable risks. ”
“You have a remarkable ability to restore perspective when my thoughts grow too dark.”
“And you have a remarkable ability to ensure that all practical concerns are addressed before problems arise,” she replied. “We balance each other well in that regard. But you mistook my meaning. What are your fears in a more general sense?”
“Once we are back in drawing rooms and ballrooms, will we have opportunities to speak privately or to be together without interruption? Will the demands of others constantly come between us?”
His words echoed Elizabeth’s own fears. “I have wondered the same. Will the woman who successfully overthrew French warships and navigated Ottoman customs have any place in the world of morning calls and tea parties?”
“Will the man who has learned to value freedom over security be content with the careful routines of estate management?”
They looked at each other, sharing a sense of the challenges that awaited them. Instead of discouragement, Elizabeth’s determination rose. “Perhaps we do not choose between who we have become and who we were. Perhaps we bring the best of both into our future lives.”
“How do you envision that?”
“I do not yet know,” she admitted. “I want a life that has room for both security and freedom…both traditional and new.”
“With the right partner, such a life might be possible.”
She agreed. “With the right partner, anything might be possible.”
The following evening, Elizabeth and Darcy once again sought the relative privacy of the ship’s bow.
Their discussion the previous night had opened doors that Elizabeth hoped would never close.
Eager to learn what deeper revelations tonight might bring, she hurried to the deck and found Darcy awaiting her.
“I have been thinking about yesterday,” he began without preamble. “About building something new as opposed to simply returning to what we knew before.”
“You have? What conclusions have you reached?” Elizabeth asked, her curiosity roused.
“That I never considered what I wanted from marriage,” Darcy admitted.
“Until I met you, my understanding was based on the compatibility of circumstances and the requirements of social position. Now I am questioning everything I believed about the relationship between a man and a woman.” He tipped his head away from her.
“What is your understanding of marriage? What do you hope for in a union?”
She took a moment to gather her thoughts.
Did Bingley and Jane have this sort of discussion before their wedding?
Elizabeth highly doubted it. “I have always believed that marriage should be based on mutual affection and respect. This journey has expanded my understanding of exactly what that might mean. Like you, I always thought compatibility meant similar backgrounds and shared interests. Now I understand it differently.”
“What do you think it means now?”
“Complementary strengths.” She was surprised by her own certainty. “Encouraging each other toward growth. Not merely sharing a household but building a life together that neither could create alone.”
“That corresponds to my thoughts. The marriages I have observed among my peers have been based primarily on convenience and social advantage. But seeing Richard and Mrs. Bell together, even though they are recently acquainted, seeing how they support and strengthen each other…”
“Yes! The way they work in concert is inspiring. That is what togetherness should look like,” Elizabeth agreed.
“Is that what you want for yourself?” Darcy asked. “A marriage where differences are valued, not merely tolerated?”
“I do. I could not be content in a marriage where I was expected to diminish myself to fit some predetermined mold of a proper wife.”
“And I could never be content with a wife who agreed with everything I said simply because convention demanded it.”
Elizabeth dramatically rested the back of her hand on her brow. “If only Miss Bingley knew. She would perish from the shock.”
He laughed. “My sweet Elizabeth, Caroline Bingley and marriage should never be in the same conversation.” He reached for her, and she was happy to entwine her fingers with his.
“You argue from conviction, not mere contrariness. You dare to be vulnerable. To admit mistakes, to ask for help, to show emotion without shame. You demonstrated such courage when you kissed me, acting on feeling instead of calculation, trusting that your impulse would be welcomed, not rejected.”
“I was shocked at my own boldness.”
“I was grateful for it,” he said. “It proved that you felt safe enough with me to act without careful consideration of consequences.”
She gave serious consideration to kissing him again at that moment. Instead, she asked, “What fears do you carry about marriage?”
“I fear repeating my father’s mistakes. My parents respected each other, but I rarely saw joy between them. I fear that my natural reserve might create the same emotional distance.”
“You are not as reserved as you once were,” she observed.
“With you, perhaps,” Darcy acknowledged. “But will that openness survive the pressures of running an estate, managing social obligations, and meeting the expectations of everyone who depends on Pemberley’s stability once we return to England?”
Protective affection surged through her. “What if we made those decisions together? What if the management of estate and social obligations became shared responsibilities? What if they were no longer burdens you carry alone?”
“You would be amenable to such involvement?”
“I would insist upon it,” she said firmly. “I could never be content as merely an ornamental addition to your life, Fitzwilliam. If we are to be true to ourselves and each other, then the relationship must extend to all aspects of our existence.”
“Even the mundane business of rents and crops and tenant concerns?”
“Especially those things. How could I claim to be mistress of Pemberley if I knew nothing of the people who depend upon it for their livelihoods?”
“I had not dared to hope for such a wife,” he said in a whisper. “Most women of our class consider estate business beneath their notice.”
She raised an eyebrow in response. “Am I ‘most women’ of your class?”
“No. You are entirely yourself, and that is what makes the possibility of a future together so compelling.”
They remained in comfortable silence for several minutes, each lost in contemplation of what had been discussed. Elizabeth realized she desperately wanted the vision they were constructing together.
Touching her cheek, Darcy said, “Loving you has changed me in ways I could never have anticipated. You have shown me possibilities for happiness I did not know existed. I want to understand your concerns and intend to share mine with you.”
His sincerity touched her deeply. “I cannot help but think we are walking in dangerous territory, sir.”
“Then I will ask you what frightens you most about reaching Alexandria?”
The change of subject allowed them both to step back emotionally from their charged exchange.
“The unknown,” she admitted. “We have been blessed in each port with someone who has extended friendship, guiding us through dangers we likely were unaware of as we strolled through each location. Will we find the same in Alexandria? This we cannot know.”
Darcy said, “This entire quest has been built on assumptions and educated guesses. If I have led you into danger for the sake of scholarly curiosity and ancient manuscripts…”
“You have not led me anywhere,” Elizabeth interrupted firmly. “We have all chosen to be here, fully knowing that there would be risks.”
“But the responsibility…”
“Is shared among all of us,” Elizabeth said.
He sighed. “I fear it shall take time and considerable effort not to follow my overprotective inclinations, my dear.” He kissed her palm as the crew on watch moved around behind them.
The stars began to appear in the sky above. According to Captain Morrison, they were about three days from Alexandria, if the wind permitted. For the present, Elizabeth was happy to stand beside the man she was beginning to love.