Chapter 1
Afew days had passed since Amanda had received the message from England.
Her marriage to the duke had lasted eight years.
Eight years of her life had just vanished into the ether, just as his final letter to her had been burned and turned to ash.
The hollow feeling in her heart only grew.
She felt guilty for not being more upset and prayed for penance and mercy, but secretly she wondered how the Lord would ever punish her for not feeling bad.
From the first moment she had met the duke, Amanda had known that he was a cruel person.
He had looked down his nose on those that were lower than him, going so far as to say they should be used in hunting to make the streets of the city more palatable to look at.
Everything in the world had to be catered to his needs; he could never accept that other people had lives of their own.
Their first year of marriage had been rough.
Amanda had forced herself to share a bed with him, although there was no joy within it, and no warmth.
Thankfully the duke was rather vigorous in his manly duties, so they never lasted long, and he preferred to spend time in his own company rather than be with her.
It reached a point where he expected her to be with child, but the monthly bleeding always visited her, and the duke grew more irate, always blaming her, insulting her, telling her that she was less than a woman.
These dark thoughts echoed through her mind and would not leave her.
She saw shadows everywhere she looked and, at night, would twist and turn at every little noise, assuming that it was the duke coming to haunt her.
There was no ghostly visage, though, only the insults he had thrown at her and the rage within his eyes.
One evening she was drinking wine as Ann relaxed with her. Although the maid was of a lower station, Amanda enjoyed her company and did not think of Ann as a lesser person than her. As such, Ann had a certain way of speaking with Amanda that most household staff did not.
“May I ask ye a question, ma’am?”
“Of course,” Amanda said, sipping her wine. The bouquet had a fruity fragrance and gave Amanda a light, hazy sensation within her mind.
“I know ye dinnae hae much affection for yer husband, and I certainly hold nay judgment for that. I hae known many marriages tae fall intae hostility, but I was expecting ye tae be more upset. Are ye sure that everything is well?”
Amanda wore a wry smile. Candlelight flickered around her, casting her in an amber glow.
“You only met my husband a few times, Ann. Believe me, if you were better acquainted with him, then you would understand why I am acting the way I am. I suppose I should have allowed you to read the letter; then you would know. You would think that in his last missive to me he would talk about his regret about the way he treated me and how he wished he had been a kinder, more sympathetic husband. Perhaps he would have told me how even though we had been distant these past few years, he still thought of me and that now he is sorry we will never get the chance to reconnect. But no, such a thing would not have occurred to him. Instead he took the opportunity to berate me and insult me again, to remind me that I was a failure as a wife and as a woman.” Her voice took on a reluctant tone, and she gazed into the dark liquid, imagining that it was his blood.
“I cannae think of ye as a failure, ma’am.”
“Well, I am. I did not give him a child, and that is all men like the duke care about. After all, are we nothing except the legacy we leave behind? I could not provide him with an heir, and that made me less than nothing. He was never shy of reminding me about it either. I suppose after almost five years of trying he simply got fed up and hoped that I would be so morose that I would take my own life up here. It must really have galled him that I found a new lease on life. I can imagine that he was bitter to have died before me. There would have been nothing better in his eyes than being able to remarry.”
“But why was he sae angry with ye? I can understand him wanting a wee bairn, but surely, well… I apologize for being crude, but it’s nae likely gaeing tae happen with him down there and ye up here. And how does he know ye are the one tae blame anyway?”
Another wry smile touched Amanda’s lips.
“I asked him the same question once. We were having a blazing row and I was tired of him speaking to me as though I was a witch. He just looked at me with all the anger in the world and told me that the problem couldn’t be with him because he already had children.
I was shocked, of course, and didn’t understand because I was his first wife.
But of course men have ways sometimes… He had illegitimate children running around the city.
He spent time with none of them, of course, and did not care for any of them, but they were his all the same, and so there was no denying that I was the issue. ”
“Oh, ma’am… I’m sae sorry,” Ann said.
Amanda sighed. “It does not matter now. I just happened to have been married to a very cruel man, and now that marriage is over.”
“What are ye gaeing tae dae now? Will ye return tae England?”
Amanda shook her head. “That is the last thing I want. This place has been more of a home to me than England ever was, and I don’t think any of that is going to change.
Hamilton was cruel in his letter, but I think it’s only as cruel as it is because he spoke the truth.
No man would want me. They have seen the marriage dissolve, and Hamilton would not have kept the secret.
Everyone will know that I am barren, so what man would want to waste their time with me?
No, it’s much better that I should remain here, in Stirling.
The people may whisper, but at least they do not seek to ignore me or cast me out. ”
“Oh nay, and they will nae either. People here adore ye, ma’am. Ye are sae good tae them, especially the wee ones. Elaine haes improved her condition, by the way, and I think it’s because of yer visit and the bread ye gave tae her. I was thinking of bringing her by taemorrow.”
“Of course! I would love to see her,” Amanda said, and then she sighed again.
“You may not like me speaking in this impious manner, but I do sometimes wonder why God would give me all this love in my heart yet not bless me with the ability to have children. I suppose He must have a reason, but sometimes it is so difficult to fathom.”
“I wish I could ease yer pain, ma’am, but all I can say is that even if ye dinnae hae wee ones of yer own, ye still make life special for the rest of them.
I hae seen ye pay more coin than needed whenever ye buy anything, and the festivals ye hae throughout the year keep them clothed and fed.
Everyone is grateful for the efforts that ye make tae keep the people of Stirling safe, especially the children.
If the duke could nae hae seen how good ye are with them, then he missed out, and it’s our blessing that ye hae decided tae stay here. ”
“Those are kind words, Ann. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thinking about the duke makes me remember what it was like to not be valued, and I suppose it is easy for me to slip into that way of thinking again. I must remember that he is not here any longer and that I can determine the path of my own life. It is strangely liberating to be this free again. I thought I would have to be shackled to him for the rest of my life. I was even prepared for him to call me back to England, but I suppose all of those things will have to be forgotten. Isn’t it funny how we can have all these plans in life and yet so many of them end up being little more than a flicking flame on a candle that becomes extinguished? ”
“Aye, ma’am, aye, but I’m sure that ye can find things tae busy yerself with. And who knows, perhaps a man will come intae yer life, one who is kinder than the duke.”
Amanda chuckled a little. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.
I don’t have the patience to put up with another man, and I would not wish to punish myself by having another husband.
And as I said before, I don’t think anyone would want to be with a woman who can offer them nothing in the way of a future. ”
It was a morose statement, but in Amanda’s mind it was true.
She stayed with Ann for a little while before taking herself to bed, where she slipped into the sheets.
She had been sleeping alone for such a long time that she had forgotten what it was like to have the bed warmed by another person.
There were times when she craved the intimate company of someone else, but after having experienced the realities of marriage, she did not know if anything would be able to come close to the na?ve, hopeful dreams of her youth.
During the day she would walk around Stirling.
News by now had filtered through of the duke’s death, and people offered her their sympathies.
She pretended to be grieving and thanked them for their kind words.
She forced herself to speak of her sorrow and how she would miss the duke while knowing that they were lies.
The sins piled up one atop the other, and every night she would pray for forgiveness from the Lord.
There was something else she prayed for every night as well: that He would grant her the ability to have a child.
She did not understand what she had done wrong to be cursed in this way, but it seemed unfair.
While she enjoyed spending time with Elaine and the other children of the village, there was still something missing because they were not truly hers.
As the days crawled to a close, she would always be behind her closed doors in her big estate, faced with solitude instead of the sound of happy laughter and pattering feet.
It was not the life she had wanted for herself, but it was the one she had been given, so she had to make the most of it.
She decided to look forward to the next festival and plan something special for the children of the village.
Everyone would understand that she needed something to take her mind off her grief, and perhaps she could even welcome children from other nearby villages.
There was no end to the people who needed a little help, and she had so much love in her heart that it seemed wrong not to share it.
She firmly believed that God gave everyone talents in this world, and hers was to care.
She just needed to find a way to express it fully.