Chapter 8
Logan had been a little worried about introducing Amanda to his family.
It wasn’t that he was ashamed of them, just that they did not always behave as expected.
His mother had sadly not dealt with his father’s illness well, while Luke and Lyle were beholden to nobody but themselves.
All they seemed to want out of life was to laugh, no matter at whose expense.
He heard them say unkind things about the English in general that made him glare at them.
Amanda either had not heard them or was polite enough to ignore the ill-mannered men, and he was grateful for this as he did not want his family to be seen in an unkind light.
As the dinner continued, Logan found himself in awe of Amanda.
She navigated the conversations with the grace of a ship, never offending anyone and always giving the perfect answers to show respect for their hosts.
It was clear she had been brought up being taught how to act around people.
The English court must have been a valuable proving ground for her.
Once the initial unease passed, Logan leaned back in his chair and allowed himself to enjoy the meal, relaxing into the company.
He kept glancing over at his father, though, and wondered how many of these evenings they would have left.
Every time Hamish coughed or wheezed, Logan winced.
He tried to turn his attention to Amanda and noticed that whenever she spoke about her deceased husband, the words were always diplomatic and never intimate.
He was esteemed among his peers, and his reputation in his career was great, but never did she speak of his kindness or the qualities that truly defined a man.
Logan had never been prone to learning about gossip, but he found himself curious about the inner workings of a marriage that seemed so much less than a marriage should be.
Amanda seemed to revel in the company and being the center of attention in a way that he never did.
She came alive, her voice rising and falling like a melody, her smile widening, her facial expressions so evocative.
She welcomed everyone in with her way of being as though nobody was anything less than a friend, and the dining chamber was filled with lively conversation that was such a joy and a blessing—a reminder of what might have been.
But even this sober thought was not enough to drive him to melancholy, and he even found himself laughing at the amusing anecdotes Amanda had of her arrival in the Highlands as she attempted to get used to the Highland ways and to the accent.
Eventually, though, the energy of the night dwindled. Hamish had a violent coughing fit to the point where Logan ordered Luke and Lyle to take him back to his chambers.
“I’m fine, lad, I’m just fine. I want tae hear more from Amanda,” Hamish said, but Logan wasn’t having any of it.
“Da, it’s time for ye tae rest,” he said sternly, as though he was scolding a child.
Hamish was still protesting even when Luke and Lyle wrapped their hands around his arms and pulled him up, but he lacked the strength to do anything about it.
He was taken out of the room, coughing and spluttering.
Logan glanced at his mother, who yawned and turned her gaze away from the scene that had just unfolded.
“I suppose I shall take my wine and gae and rest for the evening tae. It haes been nice tae meet ye, Amanda. Ye shall hae tae come by again,” Caitlin said with a wide smile.
She dragged herself away from the table and cried out to a maid to bring her more wine.
Logan cringed and wished there was more he could do, but it seemed as though he was always destined to be powerless.
The door closed and he found himself alone in the dining hall with Amanda, who offered him a polite smile.
“Your family is charming. I’m ashamed that I never pushed for an invitation to dinner,” she said.
Logan smirked. “Thank ye for being polite, but I know it is nae what ye expected,” he said.
“No family is, but it was nice to be around one again.”
“Did ye mean what ye said when ye mentioned ye hae nay plans tae return tae England? I know yer husband is dead, but dae ye hae nay family besides him?”
Amanda pursed her lips and poured herself some more wine.
“My father was the one who arranged my marriage, and I think once that happened, he assumed that his role in my life was over. I have barely spoken to him since I arrived in the Highlands. The shame of being an ostracized wife can affect many people. The truth is I was never as close to my family as you are to yours.”
“Sometimes it can feel as though I’m tae close,” he said, chuckling to himself.
Amanda tilted her head and looked at him curiously.
“Why do you say that?” she asked.
Logan sighed. “My brothers dinnae know what’s good for them. They hae nay sense of responsibility. All they want tae dae is fool around. I suppose that’s the problem with them knowing they’re nae gaeing tae be laird. And Ma is…well, she haes nae been the same since Da became ill.”
“How is he? He certainly seems to have some spirit about him.”
Logan grinned. “Aye, tae much sometimes if ye ask me. I hae tried tae keep him away from things like this because he doesnae hae the strength. It would be much better for him tae stay in bed, but he will nae stay there. I keep hoping he will recover, but the longer this takes…”
He left the thought unfinished, not wishing to ponder the worst outcome of all.
His head dropped, and Amanda reached over, touching him lightly on the arm, but only briefly, just like she had done earlier.
He welcomed her touch and found himself missing it when she took her hand away.
He wished there was an easier way for it to remain.
“I’m sure he will recover well. One of the things I’ve learned about Highlanders during my time here is that you all possess strong hearts and will fight until the last. I doubt your father will want to leave before his time.”
“Aye, and perhaps it’s selfish of me tae want him tae remain alive. I dinnae want it only just because he’s my da, but also because it means I dinnae hae tae be laird.”
“You don’t want it?” Amanda asked, sounding surprised.
“I dae… I just… I know that when I’m laird, it’s because Da is nay longer able tae be.
I know that we can never stop the wheel of time from turning, but sometimes I wish we could slow it for just a while.
And I could nae take care of my own family.
I dinnae know how I can take care of a clan,” he revealed.
Amanda looked at him with great sympathy.
“You will take care of them just as you took care of the girl today—with all your heart. I’m sure that you will be a great laird and that the clan does not have anything to worry about with you leading them.
I know that everyone will be grateful for your leadership.
I don’t mean to pry too deeply into matters with your family, but do they know how troubled you are by what happened? ”
Logan went rigid at the thought of revealing the truth to them.
He was the pillar of the clan, the one who had to hold it all together.
His brothers were ignorant of the severity of the situation, while his mother was willingly pushing herself into a world of a hazy wine-soaked fantasy, while his father was fighting valiantly but only had so much strength.
“I cannae,” Logan said. “They already hae tae much tae deal with. If they knew I was suffering with this…well, they would nae be able tae help me anyway.”
Amanda turned to him and looked at him earnestly.
“It’s not right that you should suffer alone. Nobody should,” she said, and as their gazes met, Logan felt tension rise within him. Her eyes were beguiling, and he felt his breath deepening.
“Thank ye, Amanda. It haes been a pleasure tae hae ye with me taeday. I hae found it quite refreshing tae speak with ye. I often find it difficult tae speak with people about this thing. As a future laird, I am supposed tae be strong.”
“Even the strongest of us need a sympathetic shoulder now and again,” Amanda said with a sweet smile.
“If you ever need a conversation like this, then you know where I am, but I think for now I should go and rest. I have a feeling I’ll need to be at my best tomorrow for our little friend,” she said, and excused herself.
Logan rose as well but found himself disappointed that Amanda was leaving for the evening.
He could have easily spoken to her all night.
He watched her slip out of the door and then sank back into his chair, reaching over to pick up another chicken leg.
As he gnawed on the meat, he thought about life and how different people made strange decisions.
He couldn’t quite understand why Amanda’s husband had pushed her all the way toward the Highlands when she was such delightful company, but he also did not want to be so rude as to ask her about it.
He would have to wait for her to volunteer the information, he supposed.
After she left, he was alone with the ghosts of the evening to keep him company and his solemn memories to play on his mind.
Eventually he roused himself and walked upstairs to go and check on his father, who was in bed.
He was sleeping alone. Caitlin said that his coughing and his fever were too much for her to bear.
The pale light of the moon shone upon him and cast him in an ethereal glow, almost as though he was dead already.
Logan walked in and touched his father’s shoulder, afraid that this would be the moment when he learned that Hamish was dead.
But then Hamish stirred. He opened his eyes into narrow cracks and smiled when he saw his son.
“How are ye feeling, Da?” Logan asked in a quiet voice.
“Well, Son, well. Dinner was nice. It was sae nice tae hae a guest again. There needs tae be more like this. There needs tae be another presence here, a presence for ye. Ye hae been waiting tae long, lad. Ye need tae look forward, tae look tae the future. Just think of the possibilities. Promise me ye will think…” he said, trailing off into a whisper as his voice lost strength and he surrendered to slumber once again.
Logan was left with a thoughtful look on his face.
He returned to his own bed and wondered how he could ever put another woman through what his wife had been through.
Hadn’t Amanda suffered enough with her own husband?
As much as he felt attracted to her, he could not allow his feelings to get the better of him.
As laird, he would have to make sacrifices sometimes, as painful as it was.