Chapter 24
Itrudge through the snowy woods, Kai, Luka, and the rest of the wolves moving silently beside me. The cold air burns my lungs, but I barely notice it anymore.
We’re going after trolls today, which is an easy job. I can practically kill a troll in my sleep, which is good, because I know I’m distracted. I have been for weeks now. Or maybe it’s more like months—years, even.
I wish I didn’t like kissing her so much.
I wish that I didn’t like her so much.
I wish things didn’t have to be this way.
“Stop moping,” Kai says. “It’s fucking depressing.”
I can’t muster more than a grunt and a glare in his direction, and he rolls his eyes.
I wish I could talk to him about any of this. Surely Kai must have some experience with maintaining a relationship while not getting too attached. He has seven children with the same woman and nothing horrible seems to have happened to them—unless you count Kai’s face.
Honestly, if I could be sure that I’d just end up burned and blind in one eye and not actually dead, I’d probably be willing to risk it. There’s no way to know what would happen, though. It could be Aurelia who gets hurt, not me, and I can’t stand even considering that.
Seeming to feel my eyes on him, Kai glances over at me again. I suck in a breath, silently debating if I should just ask him anyway, but he ends up speaking first.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something,” he says in my head, his expression turning serious. “I have to admit, I’ve had an ulterior motive for letting you and Aurelia stay in the camp.”
My brow furrows in confusion. “You what?”
I notice Luka’s ears prick up, his head turning slightly in our direction. The others are watching too, their bodies still but their attention fixed on us. I catch Kai’s eyes and give him a hard stare—a silent warning not to mention Aurelia’s magic in front of the others.
Kai’s eyes meet mine, a silent understanding passing between us. He jerks his chin at the others. “Go on ahead,” he says aloud. “We’ll catch up.”
The pack melts into the trees, until only Luka remains, hovering at the edge of our conversation.
“I wanted to ask if you could do something for us,” Kai says inside my head.
“I’m not staying,” I say before he can ask.
I’ve been afraid of this request since the moment it became clear they desperately need an alpha—been dreading it every time Kai gives me that appraising look.
I’m technically an alpha, but I never expected to lead the pack.
Partly because I’m half Fae, but mostly because I’m uninterested in power.
I like my role as the commander of the army in Vernallis—it gives me exactly as much authority as I need without the burden of running an entire kingdom or a pack.
Being back here feels better than I expected.
Over the last several decades since my banishment, I’d convinced myself that everything about life in the camps was horrible, but now I remember the good parts too.
Still, I miss Vernallis. I spent far more of my life with Kas, Daemon and Jett; and they’re my real family.
If forced to choose between the wolves and them, I’ll choose them every time.
“I wasn’t going to ask you to,” Kai says, startling me.
“You need a true alpha,” I say. It’s not a question.
“I know,” Kai mutters. “Between you and me, I think Finan is one.”
It takes me a few seconds longer than it probably should to understand who he’s talking about.
Then, I remember the twelve-year-old boy who walked Aurelia and I to our tent the first day we were here.
I don’t remember noticing whether Kai’s son was an alpha or not, but it wouldn’t be that surprising.
Kai is a dominant enough beta to have run a pack alone for years, and given that she seems to get along with Aurelia, I doubt the boy’s mother is a shrinking violet.
“You sure?” I ask.
Kai nods. “I’m really just trying to hold this place together until he’s old enough to take over.”
“You’d take orders from your own son?” Luka asks, falling back to join our conversation.
“‘Course,” Kai says. “I don’t care about that shit.”
“Which is why it’s clear you’re not an alpha,” I grumble.
“You should be glad about that. If I were, I wouldn’t be able to stand your moody ass.”
I bite back a growl, knowing it will only prove his point, and change the subject. “So, if you don’t want me to run the pack then what do you want?”
Kai’s eyes narrow. “There’s only a few days left until we’re scheduled to report to the palace. I assume you’ve got a plan?”
I do have a plan. Keep Aurelia from doing something that will get her killed. That’s the entire plan.
“Sort of,” I mumble, avoiding his gaze.
“I don’t need to know what it is, but I picked up that your mate wants to talk to the queen herself.”
“She’s hoping to, yeah,” I growl, feeling my shoulders tense.
“And you’d go with her?”
“‘Course.”
Kai’s eyes gleam and he suddenly looks excited. He leans closer to me, his breath fogging in the cold air between us. “If you get the chance,” he says, each word deliberate, “I want you to kill the queen.”
“What?” I jerk back, surprised. “I can’t. You know I fucking can’t.”
“Are you sure?” Kai asks, his eyes never leaving mine.
“‘Course I’m fucking sure,” I snap. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“When you went to Dyaspora you were completely banished.”
My jaw tightens. “So?”
“So, you’ve been able to leave Thermia this whole time. You’re not bound to the camps the way we are.” Kai widens his eyes meaningfully, leaning toward me. “You’re mated.”
I blink in shock, trying to process what he’s saying.
It’s true that I was able to leave Thermia when I was banished to prison, but it’s not as if I was exactly free at that point. I suppose I have been living outside of Thermia for the last two years, but for some reason I never thought about what that might mean.
A cold chill slides down my back. What if I can’t leave again? What if I try to go back to Vernallis and can’t?
“I don’t know,” I mutter. “I haven’t thought about it. I suppose we won’t know until I try to leave the camp again.”
“But you’re mated,” Kai says again forcefully. “That’s got to be proof that you’re not bound like we are.”
It would be if I were actually mated…fuck.
“I don’t know,” I say again, “I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Well fucking think about it,” he snaps, speaking out loud for the first time. “I asked your mate about it, and—”
“What?” I snap, whirling around. “What the fuck did you say to her?”
My heart hammers against my ribs, panic rising like bile in my throat. No, no, no!
If Kai told Aurelia about all the ways the wolves are bound to the queen, she’ll think there’s a way to fix it. If she hears that we can’t disobey, can’t form real mate bonds, can’t even fucking leave the kingdom, then she’ll have to help.
Aurelia has a bleeding heart. She’s never been able to resist a project, never seen an animal in need and not tried to save it.
If she finds out there are hundreds of shifters trapped here, she’ll have to rescue all of us.
I know she will. She’ll try to free me and all the others with magic and she’ll just get herself killed.
That’s why I haven’t told her about it, even though every fucking day it gets harder to keep myself from explaining why I can’t be with her for real. Why I can’t tell her, that I—
“Calm down, I already know she does magic,” Luka says, wildly misinterpreting the source of my panic.
“Wait, what?” I snap, blinking rapidly to clear my racing thoughts. “How?”
“I can smell it.”
“I fucking told her that would happen,” I mumble, my jaw clenched tight. “Who else knows?”
“No idea. I haven’t smelled it lately, just the first day. I came to see you and I could smell it all around the tent.”
That must have been when she was using the muffling charm so we could talk. I fucking knew it.
“You don’t care, though?” I ask, and the question comes out as a growl.
“No,” Luka says. “She’s your mate, right? I assume she can’t be that dangerous.”
I clamp my teeth together, tasting blood where my canines press into my gums. Luka assumes wrong about a lot of things, but at least he keeps validating my decision. Pretending to be mates really was the best and only way to keep Aurelia alive.
Even if it’s fucking killing me.
“I just want you to think about it,” Kai says, speaking calmly again as he pulls my attention back to him. “I asked Aurelia, and she said that the curse might break if the person who cast it died. Think about how many shifters would be free.”
Oh, I’m thinking about it, and the idea sends a shiver down my spine.
I could be free. I could do whatever I wanted with Aurelia, go wherever we chose.
Except that, if Aurelia is right, the queen is likely her mother.
I stare at the frozen ground, my stomach twisting. I’m not sure she’ll care if we can be together after I’ve killed her mother right in front of her.
It’s evening when I trudge back into camp with the others. We’ve missed dinner, but at least we don’t have to stay out in the woods overnight.
I watch as everyone splits off without a word, shoulders slumped, boots dragging through the snow. No one died today, but everyone is too exhausted to celebrate.
I roll my own stiff shoulders and head toward my tent, the weight of Kai’s request still pressing down on me.
I wage an internal battle with myself, walking slower than I usually would.
Half of me is eager to return to Aurelia, while the other half wishes I could avoid her for a few days while I think about what to do.
I need to tell her that Kai wants me to kill the queen of Thermia. Even though we don’t know for sure that the queen is her mother, I know she’ll view it as a betrayal if I don’t tell her the truth.