Chapter 26
Chapter
Twenty-Six
Exhausted did not come anywhere near explaining how I felt.
Two months of training without a day off had left me completely beaten down. I knew Sawyer went hard when he trained, but having sessions with him for weeks on end might result in the death of me.
The risky pattern was worth it if it meant that I could continue avoiding Sebastian.
I hadn't spoken to him since the gala. He'd tried to talk to me a few times, the most recent being after my last meeting with King Hawthorne, but each time I pretended not to hear him and gave him the cold shoulder.
Without him as my escort, I hadn't seen Sebastian much except for my meetings and occasionally at meals. He seemed to be keeping to himself. Good.
I'd been trying to ignore my feelings for him, hoping that they'd vanish as quickly as our kiss did. However they stuck around, refusing to relinquish me from the weight they put on my soul.
“One more go around, Willawood?” Sawyer circled me on the mat.
We'd been multitasking by training my combat skills and wielding together, practicing what it would be like to combine the two in the field. I hoped I’d never have to, but considering King Hawthorne damned me to a life of soldier-hood, it was only a matter of time before practice turned to reality.
I preferred training this way though—I didn't have to wake up as early.
I took my stance across from Sawyer, holding a practice dagger in my hand and waiting for him to make the first move. I blinked, and when my eyes opened, he was directly in front of me.
My heart raced as I lifted my arm to block his punch aimed at my side. The deflect was successful, and I twisted my body to position myself behind him.
My attempts in compelling him to release his dagger had failed all night.
Though it seemed simple, the command was easier said than done when someone was trying to beat the crap out of you.
With the added pressure of our battle, I'd been unable to focus on the command long enough for him to fulfill it.
I kicked my foot into the back of his leg, causing him to stumble and fall down on a knee. He caught himself before fully hitting the ground, cursing as he tried to regain his footing. While he was down, I concentrated on finding a district of peace in my mind, then tried my command on him again.
“Damn it,” I murmured, failing yet again. Sawyer’s mental shields were not nearly as strong as Sebastian’s, and I was usually able to break through them if I tried hard enough.
“Not doing so hot tonight, Willawood,” Sawyer taunted from his end of the mat.
I was already pretty much spent and eager to get this session over with, but Sawyer said he wouldn't set me free until my command was successful.
“Shut up,” I replied, and as he repositioned himself, I came up with my battle tactic.
With my fist clenched around my dagger, I pointed it towards his chest and charged at him.
He expected me to aim for his sternum as I had been, but I veered to the side to throw him off.
Before he could twist his torso towards me, I was behind him once again, my arm hooked around his neck in a choke hold.
“Drop your dagger.” My jewels pricked my skin as my magic coursed through my veins. I held on tightly to the compulsion, but my magic began to waver as Sawyer’s shield fought it off.
I bit back a wince as he jutted his elbow back under my ribs.
He wriggled his body to release himself from my hold, but I dropped my own dagger and wrapped my other arm around his waist, tightening my hold on him.
He was much larger than me, but I had him in a position that would make it hard for anyone to get out of.
“Drop your dagger.” My face stung with the words as they left my lips with force. I could feel my magic breaking through his shields, right before there was a release of pressure in my mind.
Sawyer’s hand unclenched, and the dagger fell to the ground with a clang.
I smiled down at the glinting blade, then released my grip on him. My legs wobbled as I backed off the mat. This session took more out of me than I expected it would.
Sawyer wiped the sweat from his face with his shirt. “Hell yeah. Nice job.”
I gave him the thumbs up as I hunched over, clasping my knees and gasping to catch a hold of my breathing.
Darkness blocked my vision when I stood upright, my blood pressure plummeting.
I paused to let it subside, but it only passed to be replaced by a headache so intense that I thought I might vomit.
I swiftly packed up my rucksack, needing to get back to my room as soon as possible.
The sky was black as death when we left the arena. I thanked the stars for not shining tonight and allowing me to hide the pallor of my skin. The temperature had begun to warm in preparation for early spring, making for a more pleasant walk than a few weeks back.
I followed Sawyer back to the castle and into the soldiers’ corridor.
His room was on the floor below me, so we parted ways when we entered the building.
I gripped the railing tightly while climbing the stairs in the event my vision failed me again.
What a pitiful death that would be—tumbling down two flights.
My shaking hands struggled to unlock my door, but when the lock clicked free, I tossed a hand over my mouth and raced for the washroom.
I threw up—as I had almost every night for the past month and a half.
Harnessing my magic daily had caught up with me very shortly after I began training with Sawyer.
When the heaving ceased, I washed the sweat from my skin with a cool shower.
I learned the hard way to avoid hot water after wielding.
Last week after one of our sessions, I collapsed in the shower, only to wake up an hour later with a large bruise on my ass and no recollection of what had happened.
I dried off in a plush towel, not ignoring how the fabric now wrapped around me almost twice. I'd been getting sick so often that I'd been losing weight. Eating had become difficult as well. The more I ate, the more I threw up later on, making it hard to stomach much food.
I moved the towel to my hair, wrapping it around the brittle strands that had yet to fall out. My waves had thinned significantly, but tying it into a braid prevented anyone from noticing.
In the mirror, I observed the reflection of my bare body that felt so foreign.
My curves had slimmed down so much that I could feel the bones of my hips starting to protrude.
My stomach that had never been completely flat, now sucked in towards my lungs.
My finger traced the outlines of my ribs as I puckered my lips, my once rounded cheeks now pale and slightly sunken in.
Sickly was the only word to describe my new figure. Though I used to be self-conscious about my curves, I missed not being able to feel every bone in my body. I could only imagine how I’d look in a few weeks if I kept up like this.
I should have stopped being so stubborn and gone to Sebastian for help. I could ask him to start our wielding schedule up again, but my pride wouldn't let me. He didn't need me, so I didn't need him, either. At least that's what I told myself. But it was bullshit and I knew it.
I pulled a cotton top over my head—the baggy fabric long enough to be worn with just underwear—then went to climb into bed.
My vision wavered as I stepped for the mattress and my balance escaped me.
My knees hit the ground, and not having the strength to stay on them, I fell sideways, landing on my hip bone.
Sitting up, I groaned in pain and watched a bruise form on my knee. “Fuck,” I cursed, fed up with feeling so weak.
While down, I caught a glimpse of something underneath my bed, shimmering from the moonlight that passed through my window panes. I reached my arm out, grabbing hold of the hair clip Pia had let me borrow for the gala.
I turned the accessory around in my palm. Pia received the clip when she was a young girl. She said that she wasn't upset, but I knew it bothered her when we thought it was lost at the party.
The clock ticked on top of my wardrobe. It was almost ten-thirty, but Pia was right down the hall in Kohen's room, and I didn’t want to wait to give the clip back to her.
Using the edge of my mattress, I pulled up and steadied myself on my feet. The throbbing in my head was yet to subside, but I powered through it, as always.
I cracked open my door and peered into the hall to make sure there were no soldiers around to catch a glimpse of my underwear.
The corridor was dark and silent, so I tiptoed down the hall and knocked on Kohen's door, knowing that Pia would be the one to open it.
The knob turned and she slipped out the room, closing the door gently behind her so as to not wake Kohen.
“Everything okay?” she asked, her brows drawn together.
I tossed her the hair clip, and a smile tugged on her cheeks. “You found it?” she cheered, unable to hide her joy.
“Under my bed.”
“Why didn't we think to look there.” She chuckled. Her eyes roamed over my body briefly before returning to my face. She looked as though she had something to say, but couldn't bring herself to say it.
I raised an eyebrow at her. “What?”
“You look different lately,” she stuttered.
“That noticeable?”
She gulped and nodded slowly. “Are you—”
“I’m fine,” I cut her off.
“Maeve…Maybe you should talk to Sebastian. Go back to your old training schedule.”
“No,” I said flatly.
“I’m worried—”
“Pia, please. I’m fine. I promise. Okay?”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “You are barely eating and—”
“Okay, goodnight.” My dainty fingers waved her goodbye as I removed myself to go back to my room. I heard Kohen’s door shut just before I found myself frozen in the middle of the hallway.
Sebastian’s legs came to their own halt when he noticed me walking towards him. He was heading to his room, and unfortunately I had to pass him to get to mine.
“I picked quite the night to roam the halls in nothing but a shirt and underwear,” I muttered before sealing my lips. Grabbing the edges of my shirt, I pulled it down further as I resumed walking. I was covered enough, but one wrong move and I risked flashing him more skin than I’d prefer to.
Head down, I moved to squeeze by him, but he reached out and grabbed my wrist, stopping me from going any further.
The contact sent a jolt of electricity through my body.
It didn't matter how much time had passed or how much anger had been stored within me.
My attraction to him was magnetic. It was more than just physical. He was embedded in my soul.
“You’re bleeding,” he said. His expression was bland. Emotionless.
“Huh?”
He gestured with his eyes and I followed their direction to my knee, leaking drops of crimson blood.
“Shit.” The skin must have split when I fell.
He released his grip on my wrist. I held my shirt down with one hand and used the palm of my other to apply pressure to the wound.
“Thanks,” I muttered, looking behind me to avoid eye contact and noticing the trail of blood I’d left.
“Sure,” he said under his breath. “Do you want a bandage or—”
“I’m fine.”
In silence, I held the broken skin until a clot formed, then stood up straight, pausing briefly to let the pounding in my head cease before trying to walk away. My legs trembled when they started to move, but the concern in Sebastian’s voice stopped me from proceeding.
“Are you okay?” His wide eyes looked me up and down. “You look…not okay.”
Weeks ago, I would have told him the truth. But tonight I lied. “Yup,” I quipped and brushed past him with nonchalance.
“You're making yourself sick,” he called out after me.
“Why do you care?” I didn't think he heard me, but his response told me otherwise.
“Because I care about you.”
Raising a brow, I turned my body halfway to look at him. “Really? You have a strange way of showing it.”
He frowned, and though I wanted to release the fortress of anger and frustration that had built inside of me ever since the gala, I didn't. It wasn't worth it. It was not like anything would change.
He bit the inside of his cheek then whispered, "Goodnight,” before stuffing his hands in his pockets and leaving me in the darkness of the corridor.
Back in my room, I dug my nails into my palm until it bled, grief making my veins swell.
I hated this. I hated being so angry with him.
Actually, I didn't know if it was even anger I felt towards him anymore.
Maybe I was just sad. Disappointed. I didn't know what I felt aside from the fact that I missed him, which was the worst part of all.