Chapter 25 #2
“He's an asshole.”
He chuckled softly. “Sometimes, yeah.”
I cried until I was so exhausted that my eyes wouldn’t stay open. Sawyer didn't leave my side, and I was almost asleep against the cool rock of the corridor by the time he convinced me to go back to my room.
He pulled me to my feet and walked with me back to the soldiers’ housing, leaving me once I was in the safety of my room.
I stripped out of my gown and threw myself onto my bed, where I stuffed my head into a pillow and released my anguish into more tears. I sobbed until the fabric was soaked and I had fallen asleep to the sound of my own heartache.
Though I doubted he would have had the guts to show up anyways, I decided to blow off my wielding session with Sebastian the next day.
I couldn't be near him. In fact, before Sawyer left last night I asked him if he would take over my one-on-one sessions.
I knew that this meant I'd no longer have off days for wielding, but I'd prefer being weak and defeated over having to face Sebastian.
I spent the day tucked away in the privacy of my room, planning to study Blythe’s prophecy while fighting the melancholy that had me in a chokehold. Stationed at my desk, I read over the crumpled parchment holding the words that granted me so much uncertainty.
The mortal will have the ability to reclaim tranquility and restore the balance of the world.
How could I restore the balance of the world when I could barely compel someone to flick a lamp on without walking the line of blacking out?
At a time unknown, this soul will be presented with an unparalleled dominance in return for a sacrifice.
I read the words over and over, attempting to decipher what it could possibly indicate. Eventually too frustrated to continue, I stuffed the page back into the drawer of my desk. I'd have to check the archives again to see if there was another manuscript that could help me.
I jotted a quick journal entry then slid my chair back and rose to my feet. I took a shower, attempting to wash away the feel of Sebastian's hands as they explored my skin, though his touch was a feeling I didn't think I could ever forget.
Cheeks puffed out with a sigh, I glanced at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and itchy, the skin around them inflamed from crying.
My gems glimmered as I turned my head. I'd come to ignore the jewels that embellished my swollen cheek. They’d become a piece of me, even though I cursed the goddess who granted me them. If she hadn't, I would not be here right now, full of so much sorrow that I couldn't breathe.
A soft knock hit the door of my bedchambers. I shuffled out of the washroom to open it, praying it wasn't the one person I couldn't stand to see right now.
Pia’s eyes widened when she saw me. She crept into my room, shutting the door quietly behind her. “Who do I have to kill?” Her eyebrows furrowed in anger.
“Take a guess.” I turned from her and settled myself in the armchair by my window.
“Oh. Well, I can’t kill him, but I can fuck him up. What did he do?”
My legs dangled over one side of the chair, my head resting on the other. “I don't want to talk about it.” I really didn't want to rehash everything right now. My heart couldn't handle it.
“Too bad,” she countered, sitting on my bed and staring at me until I broke.
“I told him how I feel.” I sighed. “Then we kissed…Well, it was pretty touchy to just be considered a kiss, but I’ll spare you the details.”
She clapped her hands giddily. “I want the details.”
“No,” I said flatly as Pia fought a smile that would soon vanish.
“He said he wanted me the same way I wanted him.” I paused to scoff. “But then I told him how I really feel and he freaked out, saying that he can't have me. That he won't have me. He basically disregarded everything he said.”
I closed my eyes to keep the tears locked in.
“He told me this would happen. He said that he would hurt me, but I didn't listen.
I didn't listen because it didn't matter. I wanted whatever he could give me, even if it was hardly anything at all.” I sniffled, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.
“Well it turns out that it does actually matter.”
The barrier of my eyelids was not strong enough to keep my tears from breaking free, and a few slipped past by mistake. I blinked them away, opening my eyes to meet Pia’s fixated stare. “I don't know what I expected. I knew this could happen, so I shouldn't be so hurt.”
“I'll talk to him,” Pia chimed in, her tone so blank that I couldn't tell what she was thinking.
“Don't bother,” I rejected her offer.
“I'm not trying to defend my cousin being an ass, but hear me out.” She moved to sit in the chair at my desk, closer to me. “Seb is never going to feel worthy of love. He truly believes that he doesn't deserve it.”
Sawyer had hinted at the same thing.
She continued, “I know. It seems ridiculous to us because we don't understand it. And be thankful that you don't.”
A tiny bit of my anger was replaced by sadness. “Everyone deserves to be loved.”
She ground her jaw. “I know.”
“Well, I'm not going to spend my life waiting around for him to love me back.” I tried to convince myself of the lie, knowing damn well I would wait for him until the oceans dried up.
Pia’s eyes bulged and my hand hit my mouth when I realized what I said. Is that why this hurt so much—because I was in love with him?
“I didn't mean to say that,” I denied the words as if they didn't just come pouring out of me in pure admission. “You can't be in love with someone you've only known for months, that's absurd.”
The corners of Pia’s lips curved up gently. “Sure you can. Some souls are simply designed to love one another. Like the stars are destined to love the heavens.”
Though I wanted to believe her, I was still too angry at Sebastian to accept that what she said could be true.
“How was the rest of your night?” I changed the subject.
Pia went off about how drunk Kohen was when she got him back to his room. I lost focus shortly into the conversation. My mind just kept wandering back to Sebastian.
I wouldn't pine for him. I wanted him to let me love him, but he would have to decide that for himself. Until then, I’d focus on my studies and decoding the prophecy while I pretended that I’d never met Sebastian Hawthorne.