Chapter 33
Chapter
Thirty-Three
“No. I haven't heard anything,” Sawyer answered my unspoken question before I had the chance to ask.
I flipped him my middle finger.
“Woah. Don't be mad at the messenger,” he exclaimed, following behind me after I brushed past him.
We left the castle for the combat arena to start our wielding session. I didn't talk our whole walk, and he accepted my silence as a threat not to mess with me right now.
I had too much on my mind this evening. King Hawthorne announced last night that Duke Sinclair discovered two more traitors in the kingdom.
They were seen conversing with Draemornians in Elscara—a village close to Craterra.
They would be put to death by fire in the dungeons later this week.
I wondered if they were the men Sebastian and I overheard in the archives months ago. I hoped so.
I used to feel empathy for those who were executed for simply spilling a secret that was not theirs to share.
But not anymore. Maybe I'd become numb to it all.
Or maybe it was the fact that if it weren't for these traitorous, greedy mortals divulging information on me to Draemor, then Sebastian would be here and I wouldn’t be worrying for my life.
So let them burn.
Sawyer and I had been sticking to the wielding schedule that Sebastian had put in place. The king has resumed our meetings, but kept them short and sweet. He has also been too preoccupied to have any suspicions, so our plan has been working well.
I put my stress into training, and it showed.
I was no longer sick after every wielding session.
I gained some weight back and was starting to look more like myself, though I'd never felt less like myself.
I'd spent two months absolutely terrified about so many things. Sebastian and the prophecy, to name a few. Was he okay? Was he even alive? What if the prophecy played out before he returned? He’d be welcomed back by my shallow grave in the castle's crypt.
I haven't had another vision from Blythe since I discovered the fable. I guess she got her message across—whatever it was. At first, I thought the new information helped clear up some of my confusion, but it turned out that I just had even more questions now.
Sawyer held the door of the academy open for me, and I stepped in, heading straight for the arena. I had a lot of pent up emotion to let loose this evening, some of which I was not even sure how to describe. To put it lightly, I was a mess.
I tossed my bag down on the mat and tied my hair into a tight knot. “Ready?” I asked Sawyer.
He glared in my direction. “You good?”
I ignored his question altogether. “Drop your shields,” I demanded.
Sawyer now put his mental barriers up the moment we entered the arena with the purpose of adding an extra challenge to our sessions.
I clenched my jaw together. Even if I tried, I couldn't hide the array of emotions that I wore on my face.
I'd gotten really good at wielding my powers without giving it much thought. I didn't need to focus as hard and the whole process was becoming second nature to me. Turned out that Sebastian was right. Less but stronger wielding sessions have really helped progress my harnessing abilities.
Sawyer stared blankly at me. “Willawood, what's wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
Everything is wrong.
He took a step towards me. “Are you sure? Because you seem kind of uptight.”
I scoffed with a roll of my eyes. “Just drop your damn shields, Sawyer!”
He stilled, but did not let my yelling faze him. “No. Not until you tell me what's bothering you.”
Screw this. If he wouldn't drop his shields, then I'd just break through them.
I closed my eyes and focused on my command, which was going to be telling him to screw off, but before I could speak the words, my back hit the mat.
Sawyer tackled me to the ground and when I opened my eyes, he was way too up close and personal with me.
“What the fuck, Sawyer?” I yelled at him again, palming his shoulders to push him off of me.
“What the fuck to you, Willawood!” he shouted back, rising to his feet. “You were about to break through my shields!”
“You weren’t dropping them!” I complained as I sat up.
“We literally just got here,” he huffed. “Why the rush?” He reached a hand out to me and pulled me to my feet. “You're never this eager to practice. Something’s up. What's your problem?”
“I already told you. Nothing,” I snarled.
He threw his hands up in the air. “Oh for fuck’s sake, Maeve. We’re friends, you can talk to me.”
Emotions climbed a ladder up my throat, trying to force themselves out. I tried to swallow them back down, but there were too many. “Can we please just practice,” I begged softly, hoping he’d drop this whole thing if I asked nicely.
He crossed his arms over his chest.
I pouted my lips and crossed my arms as well. “Do I really have to say it?”
I shouldn't have had to. He should know from my daily interrogation that I was worried about Sebastian. Actually, worried wasn't even the right word. I was catastrophically terrified. Every waking moment was spent agonizing over him and the prophecy, and it was overwhelmingly exhausting.
I spun on my heel, putting my back towards my friend. “Two months. I haven't heard from Sebastian in two months.” Not a letter. No indication that he was even still alive. Nothing. I wiped a salty tear away before Sawyer could see it. Damn my eyes for being so weak.
Sawyer’s hand patted my shoulder. “You know, I'm scared, too,” he said.
His words granted me some compassion, and I felt a slight bit of shame for treating him so poorly tonight. Sometimes I forgot that he was missing someone, too. Two someones, rather.
I turned back towards him, letting his hand fall from my shoulder. There was a gleam of wetness in his eyes, and I wondered if his emotions had been just as untamed as mine.
My sympathy was short-lived. I didn't need a heart-to-heart right now. I needed a distraction.
I only needed to ask once more before he gave in. “Now please, just drop your shields.”
“I know he's not here, but we should celebrate anyway.” Pia raised a bottle of whiskey in the air, then dropped it to her lips. Today was Sebastian's birthday.
“Turning twenty-six in the middle of battle,” Sawyer shook his head as he took a slug from the bottle. “What a pitiful fucking excuse of a birthday party.”
Kohen chuckled as he was handed the whiskey. “Sure is.” He took a sip. “I’ll make sure to let him know when he's back that we celebrated for him by sharing his favorite drink.”
He passed the bottle out to me, but I dismissed him. “No thanks,” I said quietly. I wasn't in the mood.
“Come on, Maevey baby, you love this stuff,” Sawyer encouraged.
I glared at him, my eyes narrow slits. Gods, I hated that damn nickname. “No.”
“You don't have classes tomorrow, just have a drink with us.” Pia batted her eyes at me.
I knew they were all just trying to get my mind off of things, but it was pretty fucking irritating. They were all acting like everything was fine. Pretending that things were normal and that life wasn’t just one big fucking mess.
“Actually I think I'm just going to go back to my room, I'm pretty tired.” I rose to my feet.
“What? No!” Pia cried out. “You just woke up from a nap, you can't be tired.”
“Yeah, Maeve? What's your problem?” Kohen said only half-jokingly.
“My problem?” I huffed, glancing between the three of them. “It’s pretty fucked up, isn’t it?” I shrugged my shoulders. “To celebrate the birthday of someone who very well could be dead.”
I regretted the words as soon as they left my lips, disgusted at myself for even speaking such a thought into the world. They were all worried about Sebastian, too. And Jocelyn, for that matter. If drinking their worries away helped them, then who was I to take that away from them.
“I…I'm sorry…I don't know why I said that,” I stuttered, trying to form an apology. Why did I say that?
My uncalled for comment acting as a reminder that Sebastian's status remained unknown left Pia looking like she was about to cry. “Don’t say that. He’s fine…I know he is,” she sniffled.
Kohen set a scowl on me before wrapping Pia in a hug. “What the hell, Maeve?” he growled, wiping the tear that trailed down her cheek.
I didn’t even dare look at Sawyer as I backed up towards the door, twisting the knob and busting through it.
The metal slammed behind me, blocking the horrified faces of my friends from my view.
They may have been upset right now, but I knew they would forgive me.
They all understood what I was going through—not that it was an excuse.
Sawyer would kick my ass when he realized I didn't go back to my room, but I didn't care. I hurried out of the castle, and once my boots touched grass, I took off running.
Down the pathway along the cliffside I sprinted, listening to the waves as they crashed amongst the rocks. My old dormitory peered into my peripheral vision as I moved towards the sound of the water, following the whisper of the sea.
I broke through the patches of dune grass that tried to conceal the beach from those like me. I peeled my boots from my feet when my eyes caught sight of the water, my toes burying themselves into the earth.
The tension secured in my chest calmed with each step I took towards the sea. The air was humid tonight, hinting at the impending summer season. With that in mind, I stripped to my undergarments and didn't stop running until my body was submerged in the water.
The waves rolled over me. I dipped my head back, saturating my hair while gazing up at the stars. I envied them. They didn't feel pain, heartache, or sorrow. The stars didn't feel regret. The stars had never known anything other than peace.
I floated until the sea salt had dehydrated me and my skin shriveled up, leaving me just as drained physically as I was mentally. Only then, when I was completely empty, did I return to my room.
Aside from classes and meals, I refused to leave my room, and no one could make me. Pia tried. Sawyer tried. Kohen even tried. I was not moving until he came home. Alive or dead.
Ridiculous, I know, but my anxiety had me in a chokehold.
King Hawthorne gave word last week that Draemor had ceased their attack on Craterra. Caelestis’ army was too strong for them. Had we not known about their plan to attack ahead of time, things could have ended differently.
I was relieved, but then a few days passed and Sebastian had not come back.
Now it had been an entire week since the announcement, and he still wasn’t back.
I’d seen some of the other soldiers who'd made it home, and I knew Craterra was only a few days' ride by horseback, so my mind went to the worst.
My brain told me that he was dead, but my heart told me that I would feel it in my soul if he were. I didn't know which organ to believe, so until I saw him in the flesh, or saw his corpse, I would lie in bed.
I rolled to my side, taking the plush quilt with me. I stared blankly out the window, watching the clouds roam by ever so slowly. The sun was vibrant and trees blew wildly in the midseason breeze. It looked like a beautiful day out.
I couldn't stand the sight of it.
I climbed out of bed to pull my curtains shut, blackening my room then crawling right back into my sheets to rot. Sleep has been impossible lately, so I didn't even try. I just laid in bed, withering away over the man I loved.
It truly was pathetic, but that was me—the woman who let love completely consume her, even if it spit her back out in pieces.
The day wasted away before my very eyes, and I ignored the rumbling in my stomach that reminded me I needed to eat. Instead, I counted the divots of plaster on the ceiling.
One.
Two.
Three.
Fifty-four.
Any light that had made its way through the crack in my curtains vanished, meaning the evening hours had rolled in.
Three-hundred and thirty-one.
I closed my eyes tightly, hoping if I kept them shut long enough, I’d drift into a dream.
Sleep had almost taken me when my body flinched upright in response to a knock on my door. I knew by the sound of the fist that my visitor was not Pia.