Chapter 25 Ellie
Ellie
My fight with Griffin looks a lot different on this side of sleep.
When I left in dramatic fashion last night, I was so sure my anger was justified. The moment I woke up this morning, reality hit me like a freight train.
To quote the man himself–I fucked up. I’m surprised I’m even admitting it, I’m so used to being right. I’m always on the right side of an argument (at least in my head I am), and given our history, no wonder I jumped to the conclusion that I’m the wronged party here.
Newsflash–I am not.
Griffin was right. I’m the one who called our kiss a distraction. I downplayed it because the connection we have scares me to bits.
“Ellie, you’re a lot better at forgiving than you are apologizing. And let’s be real, you aren’t great at either of them. You’re going to have to work on that if you want Griffin around.”
Abby’s words from last night are ringing in my head. I called her the second I slammed my bedroom door behind me, ready to rant and plot his demise.
After I finished unloading, she took so long to respond I thought the call might have dropped. Or maybe she was so appalled by his actions that she couldn’t come up with a response. Or she left her phone behind in her haste to follow through on that murder charge she was worried about catching.
Instead she did the worst thing imaginable–she decided to be reasonable. That traitor.
“Sweetie, I hate to say it…but I think you’re wrong here.”
To her credit, she stood her ground when I voiced my outrage. Loudly. At great length.
“He’s hurt, Ellie. You shut him out for years, made out with him, then brushed it off. He probably feels used.”
Well shit, I didn’t think of that.
“I wasn’t using him Abby, I just freaked out.”
“I know that, but he doesn’t. Well I guess technically he does since you screamed at him.”
That made me wince. Not my finest moment.
“He’s allowed to be scared too, my love. Maybe it’s time to stop punishing him for one mistake.”
“But it was a big mistake, Abs,” I choked, tears beginning their familiar path down my face.
“It was. But maybe you let go of that to make room for something wonderful. You like him, he likes you. Let it happen.”
“What if everything goes wrong?”
“Not to get too Hobby Lobby canvas with it, but what if everything goes right?”
After considering her words for a few minutes, I grab my phone to call Griffin, but some mental block has my finger hovering over the button without actually pushing it.
Deciding against it, I toss my phone back on the bedside table and bury myself in my comforter with a groan. I’m going to have to apologize. I have no idea how to do that. I don’t exactly have a lot of practice.
You’re going to have to work on that.
I peek up over my covers when there’s a knock on my door. I consider telling whoever it is to go away, but before I get a chance, my mom opens the door and says, “Angel, there’s someone here to see you.”
My heart leaps with hope that maybe Griffin is here to talk everything out. I can almost feel myself physically deflate when Jack walks in.
“Don’t look so excited to see me,” he says grimly, closing my door and pulling my desk chair over to the side of the bed.
“Ugh,” I exhale frustratedly, yanking the covers back up over my head. “Go away Jack, I know I messed up, I’ll apologize.”
He firmly, but gently, peels the blanket back, forcing me to look at him.
He doesn’t look angry, he looks sympathetic.
Deciding that he’s not here to berate me, I sit up all the way, pulling my knees up to my chin.
Hopefully he can say something to make me feel better–or at least feel like less of a psycho.
“How was the rest of the night?” I ask quietly, scared of the answer.
“Well, not good,” he admits with a sigh. “When I got back after taking you home, Griffin was locked up in his room and David was pacing like a lunatic trying to figure out how to fix things.”
“Sorry I made such a scene,” I apologize defeatedly. “The reunion tour is off to a bad start.”
He smiles at my attempt at levity, patting my forearm in comfort. “Every great band had some kind of fallout, doesn’t mean we can’t figure it out.”
“You really think so?”
I hate how small I sound. I hate that it’s my own fault.
“I do,” Jack says with a slow nod. “I think things will be different though.”
My heart sinks. “Do you think he’ll forgive me?”
In a gentle voice, he continues, “He’ll always forgive you, Ellie. In his eyes, you hung the moon. One fight won’t erase that.”
His tone shifts, his next words sounding like a warning. “But you can’t do this to him again. Either be in, or be out. But don’t make him feel like a backburner option.”
“He’s not just an option to me, I swear he’s more than that,” I reply quickly. Biting my lip nervously, I whisper, “I think I want to be in. All the way.”
He nods his head, but doesn’t say anything.
“Do you think I ruined everything, Jack?”
“I don’t think you blew your only chance, if that’s what you mean.”
I exhale a sigh of relief, but that relief is short lived.
“But you need to do a lot better than I think here. You need to know.”
Guilt twists my stomach in knots. Even here, with one of my best friends, I still can’t bring myself to be honest about my feelings. I don’t know why my knee-jerk reaction is to downplay it.
“And you probably need to give him the space to figure out exactly what he wants,” he adds, standing and stretching his arms up. “You got to work through your feelings while you were with Bennett.”
He extends a hand down to me.
“Maybe it’ll be good for him to go on a date with someone else,” he says, gesturing for me to take his hand. Yanking me onto my feet, he adds one final thought. “I think it’s inevitable that she won’t measure up to you. Let’s go meet Abby for lunch, I already texted her.”
The thought of Griffin on a date with someone else makes me sick to my stomach, but Jack is right. I dated someone else for over a year while Griffin waited around. It’s my turn to be patient. I can do that. For him.
***
“Griffin, hey, wait up!” I yell, half-running down the hallway to catch up to him. He turns around, and a fresh wave of guilt washes over me at the residual hurt in his eyes.
We haven’t spoken since I, for lack of a better term, lost my shit on Friday.
Jack and Abby gave me a combination pep talk slash scolding, and I’ve been trying to find the words to apologize since then.
After my dad told me he was getting whiplash from the number of times I kept picking up my phone and immediately putting it back down at the dinner table, I decided it’d be better to just apologize in person.
Now that I’m here, every word I planned has escaped me.
After a moment of silence, Griffin says, “Okay I waited up. Did you need something?”
Okay, so he’s definitely still mad.
“Yes,” I say breathlessly, nervously wringing my hands, dropping my gaze to my shoes. “I wanted to say sorry.”
When he doesn’t say anything, I look up at him, and find him waiting expectantly, eyebrows raised.
“I’m sorry. That was unfair to you. You’ve been nothing but patient and kind to me, and I had no right to snap at you. If you want to ask Katie out, you should.”
Unable to stop myself, I keep babbling on.
“Not that you need my permission, you can do whatever you want. I just want you to know I support you, and I’m glad we’re friends again, and kissing you was great, but we don’t have to do it again if you don’t want, which obviously you don’t since–”
“Eleanor, chill,” Griffin interrupts with a laugh. “We’re all good, darlin’. I appreciate the apology.”
He grins at me brightly, and I smile hesitantly in return.
“I’m sorry I lost my temper, too,” he says, raking his hand through his hair. “You and me sure bring out the fire in each other.”
That’s one way of putting it. More like “Fun fact, I’ve felt like I’m on fire since we kissed.”
“I don’t know if I’m going to ask Katie out,” he continues. “Either way, I hope things can stop being weird. David is gonna be crushed if Ellie & The Dudes are breaking up again.”
The smile on my face is no longer hesitant, but full and genuine. “Tell David not to worry, the reunion tour is still on.”
He moves to my side, putting his arm around my shoulders as we continue down the hall. My heart skips a beat at the warmth of his touch, but I remind myself that it’s just friendly–the same way he would throw his arm around David or Jack.
I feel him tense up, and he drops his arm. I look around for what made him clam up, and spot Katie walking toward us. When she spots Griffin, her face brightens, waving at him with a coy smile.
He waves back, one corner of his mouth tipping up in a smirk. I don’t know if he’s worried about my reaction, or spiraling about whether or not he’s going to ask her out, but there’s no denying the way my heart sinks.
He gives me an awkward pat on my shoulder and mumbles out a hurried goodbye before darting inside his classroom.
The rest of the way to my own class, I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to be much harder than I thought.