Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
september
PENELOPE
“Chloe, I really don’t have time for this.” Once again, my friend is trying to get me back to the gym.
“Pen, you haven’t had time for anything the last few weeks. You have to start prioritizing yourself!”
Snorting, I reply, “I don’t see going to the gym as high on my priority list.”
Chloe groans. “Is Dominic still… you know?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I feel a flash of annoyance at her words. “He lost someone incredibly close to him. There’s no timeline for grief.”
“I know, I know. I’m just worried about the two of you. Have you been… intimate yet?” Her concerned look has me turning my attention to the rest of the bar.
“No.” Chloe opens her mouth but I hold up a hand to stop her. “And I don’t want any advice on it, please.” She makes a face but takes a sip of her drink instead.
The truth is, I’m worried about what’s happening with Dominic and me.
At first I thought the distance was normal, especially following Gloria’s death.
But as the weeks go by, his mood has stabilized.
The bouts of anger he experienced right after our loss got better.
We’re talking more, albeit always at the store or about the store.
But we haven’t had sex. The only time we came close to being intimate was on my birthday.
And while I’m grateful for the hour of pleasure he gave me, I’m still bitter he didn’t let me return the favor.
The longer we go without sex, the more it starts to feel like a slow rejection from him.
And I’m clearly not mature enough to come right out and ask him what’s going on.
Talk about the situation? No way. Make myself sick with anxiety while plotting out the worst possible conclusions? That’s far more my style.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to be a damper on happy hour.” Turning to Chloe, I focus my full attention on her and change the subject. “Tell me about your upcoming trip.”
Her eyes brighten as she tells me about the all-inclusive in Punta Cana that her new job is sending her to– new job at a travel agency, that is. “I’m not saying the goal is to find a hot, single guy to hook up with…” she laughs, “but if the opportunity presents itself, I won’t say no!”
“Isn’t it technically a work trip? Is that professional?” I can’t help but tease.
“Like you can talk, Ms. Screwing-her-boss!” We laugh, even though the name stings. More like “Ms. Wishes-she-was-still-screwing-her-boss”.
I get home around nine pm and I’m unsurprised to see my lights on, Dom’s car in the driveway.
He’s been spending most nights at my place.
It’s hard for him to stay at Gloria’s, even though her friends and I cleaned out most of her things weeks ago.
Maybe it’s the emptiness that creeps him out. Or maybe it’s too full of memories.
Most nights, Dom ends up dozing off on my couch.
He claims he can't get to sleep and spends the late hours reading or scrolling through his phone.
He says he doesn't want to disturb me, which is why he doesn't sleep in bed with me.
On the few times he does join me in bed, it's purely platonic, which somehow stings more than when he’s not there.
When I step through the front door, Carl slides slowly off the couch to greet me, tail wagging a bit slower with his old age. I hear Dom talking in the kitchen, it sounds like he’s on the phone. Crouching down, I give Carl scritches and coo about how much I missed him today.
My phone buzzes with a text and I let myself drop entirely to the floor so I can pull out my phone. Carl takes full advantage of this, plopping his big butt in my lap and giving me endless kisses on my chin.
Chloe: just drove by Dom’s
Three dots indicate she’s typing more, so I pat Carl on the head, pushing him down to rest in my lap. I’m all for kisses from him, but enough is enough.
Me: and… ??
Chloe: you forgot to mention it was for SALE. how did that not come up tonight?
My stomach drops at the words. What? It didn’t come up because I didn’t KNOW. It takes me a few minutes to process my shock, although even that doesn’t calm down the rapid beating of my heart.
Me: ha, must have slipped my mind
Chloe: yeah yeah. call me tomorrow?
Me: of course
I feel a heavy weight settle in my chest as I let my phone slip to the floor.
Maybe there’s an obvious explanation for this.
Maybe Dom is waiting for me to ask him to move in, officially?
But that doesn’t seem like something he’d do, pressure me into that step.
I know how difficult it is for him, being in the house where he lived with his aunt, where he visited her almost every summer growing up.
But he hasn’t mentioned a single thought about selling it.
A terrible thought occurs to me. What if being in Prairie Ridge is too much for him now?
What if… what if Dom has decided to sell the store?
What if he leaves? I swallow a knot of emotion in my throat and take a few deep, shaky breaths.
Dominic never intended to stay. Isn’t that what he told me months ago?
Prairie Ridge was a place for him to take a break, recuperate after the loss of his business and his fiance.
What if his time with me had only ever been a pitstop– not a destination?
That’s how Dominic finds me, a few minutes later, frozen in fear and anxiety on the floor in my living room.
“Hey,” he says with a smile as he reaches a hand toward me. “How was drinks with Chloe?” I stare up at him and I know my eyes are glassy enough that he can tell something is wrong. “Babe, are you okay?”
With a disbelieving huff, I ignore his hand and force myself off the floor on my own.
“It was fine. It was great, actually. Taking a mental break from the store and business side of things. An emotional break from… well.” Sniffing, I cross my hands over my chest. I almost feel bad for the glint of guilt in his eyes— but he knows damn well what I need an emotional break from.
“I understand—”
“Until she told me Gloria’s house is up for sale.” Dominic’s eyes flash, somehow guilt now painted over his entire face. “Is that true?”
He runs a hand through his hair, a telltale sign of discomfort. “I was going to tell you tonight.”
“How convenient.” I can’t help the anger I feel, coursing through me like poison. I hate the way it’s making me feel, but I can’t help myself— is this how Dominic spent the weeks following Gloria’s death? It’s miserable, but I can’t stop.
We’ve never had a fight as a couple, not like this. I don’t think I’m ready for this.
Forcing myself to take a deep breath, I drop my defensive stance and take a step toward him. If extending an olive branch can bypass a fight, I’m willing to do it. Because I love him. Placing a hand on his chest, I can feel his heart pounding the same as mine.
“I just wish you had told me.” My fingers slide along the fabric of his soft shirt. “If you want to move in with me, we could have talked about it.”
Dominic’s brows furrow and he takes a step back from me. My hand falls to my side as I stare at him, confused. “I’m not moving in with you, Pen.”
“Oh.” A beat of silence hangs tense and heavy between us. “Did you find another place—”
“I’m going back to Kentucky.” My heart cracks at his words. Dominic shoves his hands in his pockets, his entire body tense. Carl sits up from where he’s been lying on the floor, nudging his nose against my hand, as if he can sense me falling apart inside.
“Fuck,” Dom sighs. “I was going to talk to you tonight, I swear, Pen.”
I open my mouth to reply but no words come out. All I can do is shake my head. My vision loses all focus as tears fill my eyes.
“There are some more things I need to take care of there,” Dom continues, as if I’m not crumbling before his eyes. Am I, though? Or does it just feel that way? Can he see what’s happening to me with every word he speaks? “Christ, say something. Please.”
Clearing my throat, I pray my voice is steady as I say, “What about the bookstore?”
“I have… plans for the store.”
“Are you closing it?”
“No.”
Well that’s a relief, at least, I think as I nod. “And what about…” Shuddering, I can’t bring myself to say it: us. What about us?
“Pen, I know you’re upset.” I manage to snort a nasally laugh as tears slip down my cheeks. That’s putting it lightly. “This isn’t about you. Or us. I need some time away from here. Some space.”
Logically, I can understand the way he’s feeling. I want to accept it. But knowing the time and space will end up creating even more distance between us, I just can’t. I end up nodding through my tears just to hide how much this is breaking me.
“I get it, I do. I just… I don’t want to lose you.”
“Pea, baby.” It’s like he unfreezes as he jerks his hands out of his pockets and takes two quick steps toward me, scooping me into his arms. “I don’t want to lose you either.
But if I don’t take some time away to address some personal shit, I’ll continue to spiral.
And as much as you’re my anchor, I can’t bring you down with me. ”
“I love you,” I sob against his chest. The past few months have been so challenging, so exhaustingly difficult to navigate together.
The intimate spark we had so recently ignited was practically extinguished.
I knew in my heart how difficult it would be to grow closer again, knitting ourselves around a Gloria-shaped hole in our hearts.
But I never expected this.
“And I love you.”
“A little?”
“A fucking lot,” he murmurs. I laugh through my tears.
“When do you leave?”
“In two days.” I sob harder.
Dom’s grip on me grows tighter. “I’ll come back, Pea. I promise.”
Having to promise he’ll come back indicates to me that his departure will be indefinite. That promise is the final break in my heart, allowing doubts, fears, and anxieties to seep in and take hold.