Chapter Twenty-Two
Ash
“Are you gonna be in there all night?” Sawyer shouted at me from the other side of the bathroom door. “I need to get showered and changed too, ya know.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll be ten minutes, max,” I appeased him.
Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I knew I looked good. My balloon face had pretty much deflated, and the bruises left when Mason had accidentally punched me in the mouth weren’t too bad either. The dark interior of the bar would also hide them perfectly.
I’d been to the barber this afternoon to get my hair cut, and I’d spent the last five minutes ensuring every single strand stayed exactly where I wanted. I didn’t expect to see Mason at the bar this evening, so tonight was about making me feel good until I “accidentally” ran into him later, when I happened by my house for the item of clothing or whatever else I’d pretended to leave behind.
One final check and I emerged from the tiny trailer bathroom right into a disgruntled Sawyer.
“About damn time,” he moaned, barging past me to occupy the spot I’d vacated. “This is why I live alone,” he muttered as the door slammed shut behind him.
“You love me, really,” I shouted through the door. His reply wasn't exactly pleasant.
I headed into what would normally be a second bedroom but was now converted into Sawyer’s office and walk-in closet. I grabbed my clothes off the hangers and got dressed. The jade-green slim-fit shirt I put on, the top few buttons left undone, complemented my own green eyes perfectly, highlighting their color even more. The taupe chinos, a new purchase for tonight, were pretty snug, making my ass look round and firm the way Mason liked.
Okay, so I might have gone a tad overboard getting dressed up, and obviously giving myself a boost wouldn’t make up for how Mason had made me feel, but I needed my armor in place, and to be honest, I just wanted to feel good. Hopefully, this updated version of me would give me the confidence I needed to stay strong and, if necessary, make some hard decisions about my future, maybe even my and Mason’s future.
A half hour later, I got a whistle of appreciation from Sawyer as he entered the small seating area. “Whoa, someone’s looking hot tonight.”
“And you don’t?”
He gave himself a once-over. “Nah, I look the same as always.”
He did, but Sawyer had an undefinable quality elevating him way above we regular mortals. It might be the longer inky-black hair hooked behind his ears or the fact he wore his signature black from head to toe, giving him an edgy, don’t-fuck-with-me vibe. Whatever he had, it definitely worked for him.
“Come on.” He grabbed his wallet and keys. ‘The guys will already be there if we don’t hurry.”
After climbing into his truck, we drove into town. The shops were all closed, but the lights were on in their windows, giving the street a magical feeling. Melrose Bay wasn’t big, but the town sure was pretty.
“Is that one of Flynn’s?” I asked as we drove by a gallery window. Sawyer briefly shifted his eyes off the road and took a quick glance.
“Looks like it.”
The beautiful oil on canvas of the town square perfectly captured the shops surrounding the small park in the center. “Wow. He’s good.”
“Do us all a favor and don’t tell him you saw his painting, okay? Or that you think it’s good, which we all know it fucking is. He’ll only get all puffed up and unbearable. You know what he’s like.”
“You don’t think I should tell him how great he is?”
He gawped at me. “We’re talking about Flynn,” he said like it was obvious. “He already knows damn well how great he is, so don’t go giving him any more ammunition to feed his ego. We’ll never hear the end of it.”
I’d missed this—the jokes, the camaraderie, the close friendship—since being away for so long. The downside of moving around all the time meant I never stayed in one place long enough to make any real connection to people—the ones you could depend on in a crisis, or the ones who told you when you were being a jerk.
Returning to Melrose Bay had been so much better than I’d ever expected. Despite my shitty love life, coming home had worked out amazingly well.
We arrived at the bar, and Sawyer pulled into the last remaining parking space. The music pumping out of the speakers was loud but not deafening when we opened the inner door to the Bayside, but the farther in we ventured, the more the bass vibrated through my chest. We checked around, spotting Cam in one of the wraparound booths on the other side of the bar alongside the window, so headed straight over.
“Hey,” he greeted us, scooting around to the middle of the seat, allowing us to sit either side.
“How come you got a booth?” Sawyer asked him. “Didn’t we originally book a table on the floor?” He glanced around the bar. “And where’s Flynn?”
Cam didn’t answer any of his questions; instead, he pointed to the bar to where Flynn’s dark auburn hair stood out amid a sea of brown, black, and blond.
“Already?” he gasped. “Who’s he all over this time?”
“Gabe,” I answered for Cam. “Mason’s friend Gabe.” Two pairs of eyes swiveled in my direction. I shrugged. “Apparently they’ve gotten together a couple times already.
Sawyer cackled. “Way to complicate things, Flynn.”
“It’s fine. Neither of them is looking for more than a quick hookup.” A snort from them both. “It’ll end the minute Gabe leaves town, so…” I shrugged again.
Flynn and Gabe hooking up didn’t exactly bother me, but Gabe being here tonight reminded me Mason must be lurking around here somewhere too. Gabe said he’d be back this afternoon, so did that mean he’d arrived? Did he expect me to be staying at my place and hope to inadvertently catch sight of me like I did him? I had an overwhelming urge to get up and leave. No matter what, the pull he exerted on me to be as close to him as possible had my hands curling into fists on my legs as I tried to control the urge to touch his warm skin or run my fingers through his thick, blond hair.
“Here,” Sawyer shoved a beer in front of me. “Get that down you, and stop moping.”
I stiffened. “I’m not moping.”
“Sure you are.” He pointed at the beer. “Now drink.” I raised the beer to my lips and drank half the contents.
“What are you moping about?” Cam asked.
“Nothing.” His grunt told me he didn’t believe me, but Cam being Cam, he let my lie go.
Flynn and Gabe joined us soon after, making the situation a little awkward at first as Sawyer, while not exactly rude toward Gabe, wasn’t far off.
“Will you quit,” I hissed at him after another snide comment. “You’re upsetting Flynn.” He glanced over at the questioning look in his friend’s eyes and reluctantly twitched his shoulder in agreement.
I downed the remainder of my beer and, needing more, I stood, scooted off my seat, and headed to the bar. I could have called the serving staff over to get us more drinks, but I needed a few minutes alone, away from the bickering and tension. Tonight should have been fun, but so far the evening had turned out to be a complete bust. Along with wondering all night about Mason, I’d gotten far too antsy. Gabe hadn’t said much about what his friend was up to, and the lack of information only added to my growing surliness.
Drinks order placed, I turned around to look out across the bar, the space crammed with people enjoying the live music and having a good time. Yet I felt wholly disconnected from everyone.
The entrance door slowly opened, and my jaw dropped to the floor as the man who’d consumed my thoughts all night hesitantly walked in before halting beside the hostess stand. Wearing dark jeans and a pale-blue shirt tucked in at the waist, the thin material stretched tight across his chest and biceps, accentuating his gym-toned muscles. Raising my eyes back up to his face, my breath caught in my throat at the way his slicked back hair highlighted every one of his chiseled features.
He was heart-stoppingly gorgeous, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away.
He inched his way forward a couple of feet and hesitated again, his shoulders stiff, body tensing, his panic obviously setting in. Mason was here, in a crowded bar. He’d walked into his own worst nightmare. Pushed himself past every one of his barriers. My heart raced and my stomach flipped at the thought he’d done this all for me.
I started across the packed room, trying to squeeze through the groups of people as fast as I could to get to his side, my movement pulling his deer-in-the-headlights look my way. I almost stumbled when his ice-blue eyes landed on mine, and desire, savage and fierce ripped through my entire body at the heated look he returned. How he managed do that I had absolutely no clue, but I wasn’t going to question it.
Holding up his hand I halted abruptly halfway across the floor. His chest moved rapidly in and out as his eyes scanned his surroundings, assessing everyone before returning to me. I ached to go to him, to grab him and keep him safe, but I sensed that was the last thing he wanted. Tentatively, he stepped farther into the bar. Some guys, already drunk, jostled against him. Instinctively, I moved another step closer, but a shake of his head had me halting my steps.
He took forever, and I knew he was hanging onto his last thread of sanity, but eventually, he stood in front of me, close enough to touch.
“You left,” I stated, instantly annoying myself for going straight to the hurt he’d caused by his departure but unable to stop for some reason.
“I came back,” he replied solemnly. More people squeezed past us, causing him to flinch, and I knew he wouldn’t be able to maintain his control for much longer.
“Come on, let’s go somewhere a bit quieter.”
“No,” he replied firmly. “I came here to see you, to be with you and your friends.” He gazed earnestly in my face. “If you’ll let me?”
A tumult of emotions warred within me. But above all, I appreciated just how big a deal this was for him to walk into town on his own, let alone step inside a crowded bar. He’d hurt me. A bone-deep crushing pain that had seared into my soul. But the deeper pain that had sliced right through my heart was he didn’t trust me, and as long as I kept in mind how his rejection had made me feel, still made me feel, I maybe, probably, could cope. If I communicated that clearly to him, make him see the damage he’d caused us, well, we’d see where we went from there.
“Okay. But, Mason—” I waited until I had his full attention. “—it doesn’t change anything.”
“Not yet,” he answered cryptically. “Now, please, can we go and sit down somewhere I can have my back to a wall and everyone else is at least six feet away because I’m really close to losing my shit.”
I maneuvered in front of him, allowing him to get behind me. He stayed close, his hands at my waist burning a hole through my sides, scorching the skin, as I lead him over to where we were sitting.
“You made it.” Gabe said amiably to his friend, like this wasn’t a big deal for Mason. My teeth ground tightly together at his statement, to prevent the curse forming on my lips from spitting out. Mason must have told him he’d been planning to come here tonight, and he’d kept the information to himself. He undoubtedly reclaimed the position of Grade-A asshole again, in my opinion.
Mason’s tight smile gave away his continued anxiety at being trapped with too many people, so I scooted us all around, enabling him to face out of the booth with the wall behind him. Me on one side of him and Gabe the other, my friends were pushed to the outside. The seating situation wasn’t lost on me. I’d become so wrapped up in Mason he’d consumed pretty much all my life. I’d relegated my friends to the sidelines, which had become unacceptable. They were a big part of my life, and another item on the growing list of things Mason and I needed to discuss if we were ever to have a chance to get whatever this was we had between us up and running.
Gabe and Flynn continued with their conversation as did Cam and Sawyer, leaving me and the man, who’d given my heart more than one battering in the last few days, in an awkward silence sandwiched together, the heat from his body burning into mine. Curling my left hand into a fist once more, I resisted the urge to place my palm on Mason’s leg and slide my fingers along his thigh to rest at the juncture of his hips and crotch like I’d done so many times before.
Now what?
I had to do something to ease the tension tightening like a noose around my throat.
“It must have taken a lot of courage to come in here,” I said, breaking the silence. There, a safe topic focused on Mason and not me.
His expression turned grim. “I’ve been pacing out by the harbor for nearly an hour, working up the courage.”
“Why?” A simple enough question, but one holding a whole world of importance. “Why put yourself through all this?” I gestured at the crowds. “If you wanted to see me, why not wait until I came back to the beach house?”
I had to lean in when he spoke as his answer came out so low and quiet. “Because being without you was killing me, and I couldn’t wait a second longer than I already had to see you again.”
The guy must have a never-ending supply of tug-at-my-heartstrings comments filed away ready to bring the perfect one out at exactly the right time to make the most impact.
“Do you have a list of those?”
He frowned. “A list?”
“A list of phrases to make me waver?”
His pleased expression removed all traces of his previous fear at being here. “You’re wavering?”
I didn’t want to incriminate myself further by responding. “You know you could’ve seen me anytime you wanted to,” I pointed out instead.
He raised an eyebrow. “You’d have let me see you? Speak to you?”
Okay, he had a point.
“So, you what, decided to ambush me here instead?”
“No! God, no, that wasn't my intension at all.”
“So?”
His fingers raked through the thick, dirty blond hair I loved, the action releasing his tempting citrus and woodsy fragrance. I inhaled deeply, taking him in, remembering he’d smelled the same when I’d woken in his arms a few days ago.
“I knew you were coming here tonight, and I thought…thought…”
I sat as calmly as I could when he didn’t continue even though it near killed me to do so. As the seconds ticked by waiting for him to finish, my impatience to get an answer finally got the better of me. “Thought what?”
He let out a labored sigh. “I thought…”
I wanted to scream my frustration. “What? I’d be so happy to see you I’d forgive the fact you ripped my heart out and stamped all over it? I’d forget about the part where you categorically confirmed you didn’t trust me?” Fuck, why did that hurt so much? “What, Mason? What did you think?”
Our time apart had been some of the most difficult days of my life. I’d battled through my father leaving and my mom’s horrible death from a drug overdose. While I had mourned them both no longer being around, being separated from Mason felt, in a way, that he had died too, and the grief I experienced had cut deeper than losing both of my parents combined. Losing my aunt was the only thing that came close to losing Mason, but even then, it wasn’t the same, as there was always a chance I could bump into Mason here in town, and the wounds I’d tried to heal would be sliced open all over again.
He scowled, and even though I was angry with him, I still had to fight not to ease his discomfort, to not touch and offer reassurance. “I thought the gesture might show you how much I love you and do trust you. Prove I’d be the one you’d love too if I overcame my biggest obstacle for you. Overcame the terrifying reality of being shut in with a roomful of people I don’t know, any of whom might pull out a knife and stab me or a gun and shoot me again in the fucking head, to show you I do want and need you in my life, and I absolutely trust you with everything I am.” His explanation wiped him out, taking his remaining control and ability to keep calm along with it. Even in the dim light of the bar his normally tanned skin looked pale. His hands were shaking, his eyes frantically scanning the room, waiting for his biggest fear to become a reality. He was about to have a full-blown panic attack any second.
“Move,” I barked at a startled Sawyer and Cam, who abruptly vacated their spots. Grabbing Mason’s hand in mine, I tugged hard to try to get him to move but he’d already gotten lost in his own head. “Mason,” I snapped, “Stay with me, okay?” Gripping his chin, I made him face me. “Look at me. Focus only on me.”
Sliding along the booth, pulling him along with me, I made for the door when Gabe stepped in front of me, barring my way. “I got this,” I stated firmly. He hesitated, eyes switching between the two of us. Mason crowded in behind me, stuck to me like glue, seeking out my warmth, my security. “Gabe,” I said softer this time. His eyes stopped on mine. “Please, trust me. I got this.” More hesitation from him, a final glance at his best friend, and then he grudgingly stepped aside.
I didn't wait any longer, and we were outside in the warm summer air as fast as I could get us there. Keeping him close, I headed toward the harbor, hoping the peace and quiet might be enough to help calm him down.
“Keep breathing,” I soothed. “In—” I held my breath for five seconds, repeating the same process I’d done with him on the bathroom floor in what seemed forever ago. I waited for him to do the same. “—and out.” I exhaled. “In—” I counted five seconds. “—and out.”
We made our way over to a bench, which in daylight had panoramic views of the bay, but at night was isolated enough to offer us some privacy.
Sitting him down and forcing my remaining anger aside, I crouched in front of him, continuing the technique until his color returned and his hands lost some of their trembling.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Don’t be sorry.” This time I couldn’t help but give in to the urge to comfort him, so I slid my fingers into his hair, my body relaxing at the familiar feeling. Understanding in a flash of clarity that, as much as I had the ability to calm Mason down, touching him did the absolute same for me.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
Turning my head, I stared out at the boats anchored in the calm waters, their masts gently swaying in the light breeze. His words pierced my heart and were what I’d been longing to hear from the very beginning.
“I got scared,” he continued.
“Of me?”
“Of us.”
“I don’t understand.”
His right hand brushed through my own hair, and I briefly closed my eyes to hold in the rush of emotion the gentle action caused.
I’d missed his touch, missed him so, so much.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think since we parted, about us, about my previous relationship. I realized I’d been so blind with Lindsay. I didn’t see how unhappy she was with me, how unhappy I made her.” He took my face in his hands. I curled into him. “What if I make the same mistake again, with you? Become so complacent and oblivious to what you need.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t bear knowing I’d failed you. I’d be devastated.” His eyes closed, and I sensed him envisioning the scenario. “It’s me I don’t trust, not you,” he admitted. “I don’t trust I’ll not make the same mistake again so reasoned if I kept you at arm’s length and not let you get close, I’d be okay. I’d have what I wanted without any of the damaging consequences.” His eyes opened, fixing on my own. “Even doing that, I fucked everything up anyway. I’m so very sorry Ash, for how I treated you. I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest if you never wanted anything to do with me ever again.”
“Hey,” I admonished him, while rubbing a hand over his knee. “I’m not blameless in all this either.” His frown returned, deeper, more confused. “I was so sure you’d leave me. Every single one of my boyfriends had in the past, so why wouldn’t you? I did the exact same as you. Kept you at arm’s length too.” I grimaced slightly. “No wonder you didn’t trust me. How could you when I kept pushing you away all the time? I didn’t have enough faith in what we had for you to stay, so in the end, I left you before you could leave me.”
Mason leaned back against the bench, staring out into the darkness. “I don’t deserve you,” he said quietly.
My chuckle surprised him. “And I don’t deserve you either, but here we are. Two people who don’t deserve each other, together anyway.”
“Together?”
Were we? I got up from my crouch and sat on the bench beside Mason, looking out into the darkness as I tried to wrap my head around his question. Everything seemed so all up in the air, and I had no clue what our confessions truly meant to each other, or if they would make any difference at all to our situation. Despite being in love with Mason, I was far more wary about giving my fragile heart away. How would he protect it enough for us to have any type of future? How would I be able to protect his? “I’m not totally sure,” I answered honestly. “I’m scared to death if we do this, we won’t work out, and we’ll fall apart.” I swiveled to face him. “Once my beach house is renovated, what happens then? You’ll be returning to New York, and I’ll be left on my own again.”
He took hold of my hand, wrapping his strong fingers around mine and squeezing tight. “We’ll work something out, Ash. I promise. I want us to try again, properly this time. We sort of fell into our arrangement before we had a chance to talk about what either of us wanted.”
“That’s my point, Mase. What if that’s all we had—an arrangement to suit us both at the time?”
“You really think so? Because I don’t. Yes, we’ll need to work at turning our current arrangement into a proper relationship, but I want to try, and I think you do too.”
I wanted to believe him. I really did, but faced with the possibility of us becoming a reality, I remained nervous and unsure. What if we didn’t work out? It’s hard enough getting a new relationship off the ground when you’re both in the same town. What were the chances of us doing that if far too many miles separated us for days, maybe weeks at a time?
“I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you, Ash. I’m not saying it will all be plain sailing, as I’m sure with my ongoing issues, it won’t. And there’ll be times when my work will keep us apart, but we can cross those bridges when we come to them and decide on a solution that works for both of us.”
It’s as if he had direct access to every one of the thoughts spinning wildly in my head. “You seem to have everything all figured out.”
He laughed. “I’ve no clue what on earth I’m doing, but I’m willing to take a chance. What I need to know is if you are willing to take a chance with me.”
Was I? This was crazy, wasn’t it? I studied his face, trying to discern as much as I could from his open expression. There was a hint of fear in his eyes that I was sure mirrored my own. There was also love, nervous and shy, but clearly displayed just for me. Finally, I saw hope shining clearly too. Hope I would agree to us being together. Hope for where a future for us both might lead.
I agreed with Mason, it would be a whole lot of work. I’d be extremely na?ve not to, especially with the trauma Mason still suffered and would continue to suffer with for a long time to come. It would affect both of us because how could it not? Then there were my abandonment issues. For far too long I’ve ignored them, brushed them aside rather than facing them head-on. In the back of my mind, would I always be worried Mason would eventually get bored with me and leave, the way my previous boyfriends had? Would my own damaged mind be what would push him away, fed up with having to battle my insecurities?
“I carry a lot of baggage,” I replied hesitantly, needing him to be absolutely clear about what he was getting into.
“Don’t we all?”
Yeah. Yeah, I supposed we did.
I took a couple of moments, needing time to absorb all we’d discussed. The more I let our words settle, the more hope I had that, if we really tried, were truly honest with each other, we could work together to make a strong and loving partnership. We were taking a huge leap of faith, but there was no one I’d be more willing to take a chance on than Mason. “Okay,” I said, my voice shaky and uneven. “Let’s do this and see where we go.” My heart began to beat so hard in my chest, I expected it might explode with happiness any second. Now the decision had been made, I wanted us to work on the reconciliation as soon as possible. Nervously standing, I extended my arm, my hand trembling slightly. “Come on.” I waited until Mason was standing beside me. “Let’s go home.”
He took hold of my hand, and with our fingers loosely entwined, we headed for the boardwalk toward town. “So,” I said drawing the word out, as I recalled a part of our conversation in the bar. I turned my head to look at him. “You love me, huh?”
He gave a wry smile. “Oh, you remember hearing that part then, do you?”
Squeezing his hand, I laid my head on his shoulder. “I’ll always hear you.”
His strong arm slid up to my shoulders and hugged me to his side. “Guess I’ll have to watch what I say around you in the future.”
My nudge to the ribs made him laugh.