CHAPTER 64 #3
"I'm deeply sorry about what happened to you... ngunit hindi ko pa rin lubos maisip kung bakit ang sarili mong mate pa mismo ang nagpataw ng kamatayan sa iyo..."
Nagbago ang ekspresyon ni Natalia. Sandali siyang natahimik bago bahagyang ngumiti, ngunit bakas pa rin sa kanyang mga mata ang sakit na kanyang napagdaanan.
"I yearned for him for years, Cayena. We are vampires. We love deeply. Mas malalim tayong magmahal kaysa sa ibang lahi. We devote our souls to the person we love, and once we do... it is not something we can simply take back."
Napabuntong-hininga siya.
"It's just that... hindi niya kayang tapatan ang pagmamahal na naramdaman ko para sa kanya. When it came down to a choice between me and his kingdom... he chose his kingdom."
Napayuko si Natalia, pilit na pinananatiling kalmado ang kanyang boses.
"And perhaps that was the hardest part. Not because he chose his kingdom... but because I would have chosen him."
Marahang hinimas ni Cayena ang likuran ni Natalia upang pagain ang loob nito. Tahimik lamang siyang nakinig, ngunit hindi niya maikubli ang takot na unti-unting namuo sa kanyang mga mata.
Dahil sa mga sinabi ni Natalia, may bahagi sa kanya na tila nakaramdam din ng parehong sakit.
What if I end up feeling the same way?
Napatingin siya kay Rassia, pagkatapos ay kay Natalia.
What if loving our mates this deeply only means giving them the power to hurt us the most?
Humarap si Natalia kay Cayena at marahang hinawakan ang pisngi nito.
"Cayena... protect your heart. Even if he is your mate, you still need to know whether he is a good man. Being someone's mate does not automatically make them worthy of your love, your trust, or your sacrifice."
Bahagya siyang ngumiti, ngunit nanatiling malungkot ang kanyang mga mata.
"Don't let the bond decide everything for you. Observe his actions. See how he treats you when no one is watching. See whether he respects your choices, your boundaries, and the person you are. Love should never make you feel like you have to lose yourself just to keep someone."
Marahan niyang hinaplos ang pisngi ni Cayena gamit ang kanyang hinlalaki.
"If one day you choose to love him, make sure you are choosing him because he has shown you that he deserves your heart, not simply because fate calls him your mate."
Tumayo si Natalia upang ayusin at talian ang mahaba at itim na buhok ni Rassia. Ever since Rassia found out that she was pregnant, kusang nagbago ang kulay ng kanyang buhok hanggang sa tuluyan itong naging itim, tila sumabay sa bigat ng kanyang mga emosyon.
As if her hair was reflecting everything she could no longer express through words. The darker her emotions became, the darker her hair seemed to grow.
"And if he ever makes you feel that you have to beg for his love... walk away."
"Thanks, Natalia... I'll keep that in mind..." ani Cayena.
Napatingin si Cayena sa tiyan ni Rassia at bahagyang ngumiti. Saglit siyang natahimik bago napabuntong-hininga.
If only my brother were here...
He should be the one watching the baby grow. He should be here to hear about every little change, to know that his child is growing safely inside her. He should be the one standing beside Rassia, holding her hand through all of this...
Nagpasya sina Cayena at Natalia na iwan muna si Rassia upang makapagpahinga. Bago sila umalis, tiniyak muna nilang nakakain ito nang maayos at may sapat na tubig sa tabi niya.
Paglabas nila ng silid, muling sumulyap si Natalia kay Rassia bago sinara ang double doors.
Nakaupo pa rin ito sa harap ng bintana, tahimik na nakatingin sa malayo.
May mga matang patuloy na nagmamasid sa kanya mula sa malayo, tinitiyak na ligtas siya at agad na malalaman kung may mangyari. May mga healer ding nakahanda anumang oras, lalo na dahil buntis si Rassia at hindi pa rin maganda ang kanyang kalagayan.
Sa buong panahong nananatili si Rassia sa silid, isang uwak ang patuloy na nakadapo malapit sa kanyang bintana, tahimik na nagbabantay sa kanya.
Hindi iyon inilagay roon upang bantayan lamang ang kanyang kalagayan.
Alam ng mga Erenhal na ayaw nilang maramdaman ni Rassia na tuluyan na siyang nag-iisa.
Maaaring hindi nila kayang alisin ang sakit na kanyang dinadala, ngunit kahit papaano, nais nilang may isang bagay na magpapaalala sa kanya na may mga taong patuloy na nagmamalasakit sa kanya.
Madalas ay tahimik lamang ang uwak.
Minsan ay nakatingin ito kay Rassia habang nakaupo siya sa tabi ng bintana. Minsan naman ay lumilipad ito sa paligid ng silid bago muling bumalik sa dati nitong pwesto.
Samantala, sina Candela at Tick Tocky ay patuloy ding nagbabantay kay Rassia.
Minsan, si Candela ay basta na lamang magkukuwento tungkol sa mga bagay na nakita niya sa paligid ng kastilyo. Si Tick Tocky naman ay may sarili ring mga kuwento, kahit kadalasan ay napakaliit at walang kabuluhan ang mga bagay na ikinukuwento nito.
"Rassia, you know... the castle is unusually quiet today..." ani Candela. "I think everyone is worried about you."
"Not everyone," singit ni Tick Tocky. "Thaddeus was arguing with Cassandra again."
Nagbangayan sina Tick Tocky at Candela nang ilang oras tungkol sa kung ano-anong bagay, ngunit nang mapagtanto nilang maaaring nagugulo na nila si Rassia, unti-unti silang natahimik.
Nang makalipas ang ilang oras, tahimik na naglakad si Rassia patungo sa kanyang kama at dahan-dahang humiga. Alas-singko na ng madaling-araw, ngunit hindi pa rin siya makatulog.
Pumikit siya at pilit na pinapakalma ang kanyang isipan. She tried to fight the insomnia, forcing herself to rest, but sleep simply wouldn't come. Paulit-ulit siyang bumabaligtad sa kama, ngunit nananatiling gising ang kanyang mga mata.
Her gothic room was dark, with only a single candle keeping the room from being swallowed completely by darkness.
Tumayo si Rassia at marahang hinawakan ang kanyang tiyan bago dahan-dahang naglakad patungo sa teresa. Mabagal ang kanyang mga hakbang dahil sa pagod at ilang oras na niyang hindi pagkakatulog. Pagdating doon, muli siyang humarap sa malawak na tanawin ng Vlymir at tahimik na tumitig sa malayo.
Sinubukan din ni Lucy Pearl na kausapin si Rassia, ngunit wala itong narinig na kahit anong tugon mula rito. Paulit-ulit niya itong tinawag sa loob ng kanilang dimensyon, umaasang kahit isang salita man lamang mula sakanya.
As Rassia's life force, Lucy Pearl was deeply connected to her. She could feel the emotions Rassia was trying to bury beneath her silence. The sadness. The anger. The exhaustion.
And most of all, the emptiness.
It wasn't simply something Lucy Pearl could observe from within Rassia. She could feel it herself, as though Rassia's emotions were slowly becoming her own.
Napapikit si Rassia nang marahang dumampi sa kanyang mukha ang malamig na hangin. Ilang sandali pa, unti-unting namuo ang mga luha sa kanyang mga mata.
For months, the bed was my grave.
?I never knew that emptiness could be the heaviest thing I would ever have to carry.
Hindi niya agad pinahid ang mga iyon. Tahimik lamang siyang nakatayo sa terrace, hinahayaang manatili ang mga luha sa kanyang mga mata habang patuloy na humahaplos ang hangin sa kanyang mukha.
Samantala, hindi sinasadyang natamaan ni Tick Tocky ang vinyl recorder na nasa loob ng silid.
Biglang nagsimulang tumugtog ang musika. Napadilat si Rassia at napalingon sa pinanggalingan ng tunog.
"Sorry, Rassia! papatayin k-"
"No, it's okay..." mahinang sambit ni Rassia.
Natigilan si Tick Tocky. Maging si Candela ay hindi na nagsalita.
Sa halip na patayin ang musika, nanatili itong tumutugtog sa tahimik na silid. Banayad ang himig, sapat lamang upang punan ang katahimikang matagal nang bumabalot sa paligid ni Rassia.
Unti-unting lumambot ang kanyang ekspresyon. She liked the music.
She listened to the music in silence while gently caressing her belly. The soft melody continued to fill the room, but the tears in her eyes finally began to fall. She lowered her gaze toward her stomach, her fingers trembling slightly.
Is it a sin to not want a child yet?
I'm not ready... I never thought I would have to become a mother this soon...
Especially when Vincenzo isn't here.
How am I supposed to do this alone? How am I supposed to raise our child when I don't even know when he will return?
I love you, little one... I do.
But I'm scared.
I'm scared that I won't be enough for you. I'm scared that I'll fail you. And I'm scared that every time I look at you, I'll remember how much I wish your father were here to see you grow.
Her tears continued to fall as the music played softly around her.
I just wanted more time.
More time with Vincenzo. More time to understand everything that happened to us. More time to become someone who was ready for this.
She closed her eyes.
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry, baby... I'm only nineteen.
Nanginginig ang mga daliri ni Rassia habang marahan niyang hinahaplos ang kanyang tiyan.
I'm still so young. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't know how to be a mother, and I don't know how I'm supposed to do this without your father beside me.
Napapikit siya habang patuloy na tumutulo ang kanyang mga luha.
There are so many things I'm afraid of. I'm afraid I'll make mistakes. I'm afraid I won't know what to do when you need me. I'm afraid that I'll disappoint you.
Huminga siya nang malalim bago muling tumingin sa kanyang tiyan.
But I promise you something, little one. Even if I'm scared, I won't abandon you. I may not know how to be the mother you deserve yet, but I'll learn. I'll do everything I can to protect you, to keep you safe, and to give you the love you deserve.
Napangiti siya nang bahagya sa kabila ng kanyang mga luha.
I can't promise that I'll always know what I'm doing. I can't promise that I won't make mistakes. But I'll keep trying.
For you... and for your father...
Your father loves you. I know he does. And until the day he comes back, I'll carry enough love for both of us.
So please be patient with me, little one...