Chapter 7 #2
It’s quiet, cold, and empty, and my kitties aren’t even here to welcome me home.
I stare at the tiny Christmas tree with its lights off…
Where did things go wrong? All I wanted was to enjoy Christmas with my boyfriend!
How could I not realize my family would be too much for Nicolas, and that our schedule would be too tight? I was so silly!
I sigh, unsure what to do next. I wish I could call someone to talk, but it’s Christmas, everyone will be busy with their family, and I can’t unload my problems on them… and I need to be stronger than that. I’m sure Nicolas will be back like he said, and we’ll be able to talk, right? …Right.
Because I don’t know what else to do, I decide to take a hot shower.
I’ve spent the last two days with the same underwear, I haven’t had time to wash my hair, and I could really use some shower thinking!
I dump my penguin dress in the laundry basket, slip into my tiny shower, and let the water get as hot as I can take it, washing over me for the first time in the past two days.
Finally, the steady stream of hot water helps me calm down, along with a deep-breathing exercise. I thoroughly wash my hair while thinking things over, replaying the events. I know once Nicolas comes back, we’ll talk, and I don’t want to be the only one who’s still upset.
I know I’m allowed to be, but this isn’t how I want to feel, so I focus on that.
Do I wish things had gone better? Of course, and I think we made some mistakes, but I know I can’t take it back.
I can only focus on the present. And what I’m feeling now is that I love Nicolas.
I’m worried about what he’ll say, and I’m feeling really nervous about our relationship and how what happened affects it, but I know I love him, and I don’t want to lose him. I hang on to that most of all.
I step out of the shower, feeling refreshed, less upset, and more determined.
Christmas isn’t perfect, and I shouldn’t think it has to be.
But I do want our Christmas to feel good.
Because that’s what it should feel like, right?
Feeling loved and rested. It should be about enjoying time with the people we love, resting after a long, stressful year, finding those little snowflakes of joy as winter begins…
It should leave us feeling recharged, blessed, and happy.
Not drained, upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed.
It should be a time of rest, not a travel marathon.
We should be spending it with people we love and doing things we love, not feeling cornered and pressured with chores and social expectations.
We should enjoy good food without worrying about our waistlines, and wear clothes we feel wonderful in…
I pick up my bathrobe and step out of my bathroom, slowly drying my hair with a towel. What do I do now? Is Nicolas coming back tonight…? Should I text him? His suitcase was in his car, but that doesn’t mean he’s not coming back here, right? Should I just wait?
Night fell outside while I showered, and I make the executive decision to keep myself busy rather than spend my evening worrying!
So, I turn the heater and my Christmas lights on, text my family to let them know we made it back, and finally, I put on some soft Christmas music.
Maybe I’m a bit crazy, but I can’t stand the silence in my tiny flat…
Then, because I’ve been itching to for the past two days, I head to my kitchen and assess our dinner options.
If Nicolas comes back, and I want to believe he will, I have to show him we can be totally fine.
We will talk things out, and then have a nice dinner. One nice homemade meal.
I’m checking the pantry when there’s a bit of a rattle at my door.
I frown. It wasn’t a knock, but also, who would be making noise outside…? My neighbor, Miss Jones, has gone to visit her family, so I know our floor should be empty!
I’m wondering if it’s safe to peek when I hear a loud meow.
“…Muffin?”
I go to open the door, and to my surprise, my kitties are there! I gasp at their carrier, held by Nicolas, whose other hand is also full with his suitcase, and mine is right behind!
“You’re back,” I mutter, speechless.
“Yes,” he says. “I tried to be as quick as possible, but it took me a while to make the loop by the airport and then get the cats checked out of the hotel earlier. Sorry.”
I’m… I’m speechless! These are the errands he went for?
“You… You went to get the kitties and my suitcase back?” I blink. “You should have told me!”
Nicolas stares at me blankly for a second, and then he frowns and nods.
“I… Yes, maybe I should have. …I’m sorry. I think I hyperfixated on how to make things better, and I realize now how notifying you of my plan might have made things less… confusing or worrisome for you. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize!” I cry out. “This… This is so thoughtful!”
I feel the tears coming again, but this time, these are good ones! My God, I can’t believe I was so worried about our future, whether I’d even see him again, and there he was, running errands around Boston to collect our cats and my suitcase!
He is struggling a bit to carry everything, and our kitties aren’t quite happy mid-air either, so I quickly grab the carrier to bring them inside, and he rolls my suitcase and his bag behind me.
“Hello, my fur babies!” I grin at the two of them, opening their carrier on the ground. “Did you behave well at the hotel?”
“The staff assured me they did,” Nicolas replies. “They ate and slept well.”
Muffin gives me a little of his usual grouchy meow, letting us know he is not quite happy with all the inconvenience, but Coconut darts out and sniffs around like this is his first time home.
I can’t believe they’re here! I didn’t realize how empty my apartment looked without our pair of fluffballs patrolling their whiskers around.
“Thank you for collecting them,” I tell Nicolas.
He nods, and suddenly things feel a bit… awkward? No, I can’t have that.
I take a deep breath and force myself to smile.
Because I want things to be good between us, and I want him to know I really appreciate the gesture.
Now that I think about it, I guess he thought bringing me home to let me wind down and warm myself up while he ran errands around Boston would help… and I really appreciate it.
I roll my suitcase, and on a whim, I decide to open it right there, in my tiny living room. Of course, it’s exactly as I left it, everything neatly packed, with my emerald dress right on top… I chuckle.
“It’s funny, I got so upset over wearing a dress,” I think out loud. “I think I just wanted to feel pretty, but… you always make me feel pretty.”
I smile at Nicolas, who nods, quietly puts his bag down, and sits on the couch behind me. It’s fine if he doesn’t quite feel like talking yet. I decide I can talk for the two of us.
“Look,” I smile, taking out my accessories. “I found these cute bows that were the perfect match in color. I would have worn them with my hair in buns, like you love. Maybe I’ll wear it for one of our dates?”
“I’m sure it will look great,” Nicolas nods. “…Would you like to go out for dinner tonight?”
It takes me all of five seconds to think of my answer. But I’m genuinely touched that Nicolas would ever consider it, after he got so overwhelmed at my parents’ house…
“No,” I shake my head. “I have a much better idea.”
I keep pulling out my stuff, including the few presents I had packed for my family and his, which I’ll think about later.
Then I find them. The pair of cozy fleece pajamas is still held together by red bows, just like how I found them in the shop.
They’re completely matching: the tops are a nice creamy white with brown hems and patterns of hot cocoa, gingerbread men, candy canes, and slices of chocolate b?che, and the bottoms are entirely brown.
I can’t help but smile as I take them out; I’ve always loved everything Christmas, but this is the best!
Still, I feel a bit shy as I present it to Nicolas. He gingerly takes it, his blue eyes scouring over the little designs, his fingers testing out the fabric.
“Do you like them?” I ask nervously. “I wanted to give it to you on Christmas Eve. I had this grand idea of us sleeping in matching pajamas and waking up together on Christmas morning… I know it’s silly, but I’ve always envied those couples who match in Christmas movies, you know?
I realize now we wouldn’t have had much time to enjoy them, with how fast we had to leave… ”
“I love it,” Nicolas declares, his eyes still on the pajamas.
“Really?” I ask.
“Yes. The fabric is… really nice.”
“Right?” I beam proudly. “I made sure to get one of those fabrics you like, and no visible string or stitching either.”
He looks up at me, looking genuinely surprised. I’m a bit nervous for a second, and wondering why he seems so… shocked?
“If you don’t like it, we can—”
“Can we wear them now?”
I blink at him.
“Now?”
“Yes,” he says. “It’s still Christmas. It’s early, but night has fallen, and we aren’t going back out. We can very much wear these Christmas pajamas now, right?”
It’s still Christmas.
I don’t know why, but this simple sentence brings me so much joy and relief, I’m nearly brought to tears again. Gosh, I really need to stop crying; there will be no face masks or cream good enough for my poor eyes to recover if I keep going!
“Of course,” I reply with a big, silly smile. “…Do you want to go shower? I’ll put my things away while you do.”
“You’ll wear yours too, right?” Nicolas frowns.
“Definitely,” I grin.
“Alright. I’ll go take a shower then.”
“Okay.”
He stands up, grabs his underwear from his bag, and then heads to my bathroom.
And here I am, sniffling again! This time, it’s tears of relief, because just like that, I know we’ll be fine. We need to talk and address things, but I know we’ll be fine. Because if we can wear matching Christmas pajamas like two silly dorks, we’re definitely okay, right? More than okay.
“Meow.”
I grin at Muffin, who’s standing by my suitcase, staring right at me with his expectant look. Meanwhile, Coconut is already whiskers-deep in Nicolas’s bag, visibly looking for some hidden treasure. I lean to pet my cat.
“Give me a minute to put my mess away, Muffin,” I smile, “and then I’ll feed you boys, okay? It’s been a long two days, you know. We missed you a whole bunch.”
Muffin doesn’t look convinced; he’s staring with that distrustful look that makes me think some of my scrunchies are most definitely going to be pilfered again soon in retaliation. But it’s fine; I have plenty of them, and now that Nicolas is back, my mood is soaring!
I quickly unpack, and the task is over in minutes as I was carrying more presents than actual changes of clothes…
Everything will have to wait, I suppose; I can always look up how to ship everything later!
Right now, what I need is to focus on the two of us.
So, because hot cocoa makes everything better, I head into the kitchen next and quickly fix us some hot cocoa in our favorite mugs.
I even add two scoops of mini marshmallows each, some whipped cream, and a dash of sprinkles!
It’s a lot, but I have a feeling we could use some extra sweetness tonight…
I’ve changed into my pajamas, settled on the couch, and am looking up how to ship packages to Quebec City while keeping our fur babies away from the whipped cream when Nicolas emerges from the bathroom, his hair a bit wet and looking all handsome in his Christmas pajamas!
“Honey, they look amazing!” I beam.
“It feels nice,” he nods, “and we’re matching.”
“We are,” I smile.
For a second, he stands there, and a hint of worry comes nagging again, but before I can overthink it, he comes to sit beside me and frowns.
“…I think we should talk about Christmas.”