Chapter 8
Iwas so desperate to fix my mistake earlier in the car.
I just wanted to try and fix everything at once, to get the hard part over with…
but now that we’re sitting on my couch, wearing our matching Christmas pajamas, and with hot cocoa to warm our hands, I understand Nicolas was right.
We both needed a bit of time to cool down our emotions.
We weren’t ready to talk about what happened, but now, we are, and I am confident that we can find a solution. Together.
I put down my phone, and Muffin immediately takes the empty spot on my lap, settling in for a round of biscuit-making like he knows I could use a little bit of “ronron therapy,” as Nicolas calls it.
“Right. I also think we should talk about it,” I admit. “Things at my parents’ house—”
“I’m sorry.”
This time, I blink and look up at him.
He’s sorry?
“What?” I blurt. “Why?”
“Because it wasn’t the kind of Christmas you wanted,” he says, looking genuinely upset about that. “I know staying with your family was important to you, but I struggled with that. I admit the noise and lights overwhelmed me, but I should have anticipated that it would be like that and prepared—”
“No,” I cut him off. “Nicolas, no, I… I’m the one who is sorry!
I didn’t realize how loud it could get at my parents’.
I’m the one who should have anticipated things, or at the very least noticed!
…I should have checked on you, but I was so busy playing with my nieces and nephews, then chatting with Parveen, and then lunch…
And I admit, you’re always so reliable that through all of this, I forgot that you could need my support too.
I was so focused on everything else that I didn’t…
I should have realized you were overwhelmed sooner. ”
I take a deep breath and grab his hand as I look him right in the eyes, because I want—no, I need him to understand how sorry I am.
“You’re my boyfriend, Nicolas,” I continue. “You’re really, really important to me. …And you should have been my priority all along. I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell me you were uncomfortable, either, even if I know it’s on me for not realizing sooner.”
He nods, slowly, and then, he gently takes my hand, the one that isn’t busy petting Muffin, to intertwine our fingers on his lap.
“I wanted you to have a nice Christmas,” he admits.
“I wanted you to have a nice Christmas too,” I sigh.
“The thing I wanted the most was for us to have a nice Christmas together! I genuinely didn’t think our families’ Christmases would be so different or incompatible.
All I wanted was to spend Christmas with you.
But you’ve always been so steadfast, and I was so busy worrying about the mess of everything else, I…
I forgot to prioritize you. Everything has been…
so complicated, intense, and chaotic… and that’s not what we wanted, was it? ”
He slowly nods and focuses on petting Coconut, who has just joined us and is looking for a comfy spot somewhere on our laps. Nicolas has his thinking frown on, so I try to be patient and wait for him to formulate his thoughts, sipping my hot cocoa in the meantime.
But… I really am sorry. Sorry that I neglected him, and sorry about how our Christmas went all wrong.
I feel so foolish! Nicolas was the one who did his best all along.
He tried to cheer me up when I was upset, supported me through every mishap, and drove for hours on very little sleep so we could make that impossible trip to Portland…
And here I was, feeling sorry for myself, when my most amazing boyfriend was there and supporting me all along.
I know I can do better. I should have done better!
I really don’t care if Solange is a bit rude, if I miss dessert, or if I lose a suitcase or two.
Those things feel so silly now! I feel silly.
I have the best boyfriend in the world, and after that terrible hour when he was gone and I anxiously waited to see if he’d return, I will never take him for granted again!
…But, what now? Is that it? Are our Christmases just incompatible?
I can’t imagine doing that marathon from Boston to Quebec City to Portland again, that’s for sure…
I wonder if this means I’ll have to choose every year.
Could we do one year at his and one year at mine?
Maybe… Yes, perhaps we could. What I know is that no matter what, Nicolas will be my priority from now on.
Not just to spend Christmas together, but to spend a Christmas together we both deserve.
One without stress, without drama, and without airport mayhem!
“I think we went about this the wrong way,” he suddenly declares.
I blink out of my deep thinking to glance back up at him and, to my surprise, Nicolas now looks… determined?
“What do you mean?” I ask, slightly confused.
“I don’t think our families’ holidays are incompatible,” he explains.
“I think we both tried to insert each other into what we already knew as our family holiday. But it didn’t work, and we cannot repeat that mistake.
…I think we should think about things differently.
Focus on what we want, instead of what we know. ”
I pause, thinking about it.
Nicolas has a point. We did try hard. He endured my family’s chaos the best he could, just like I ignored his mother’s bitter remarks… but was that fair to either of us? We both tried hard, and in the end, it still didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like our Christmas.
He tightens his hold on my hand, takes a deep breath, and then…
“What do you want out of Christmas?” he asks me.
“Putting aside all details like location, logistics, or individuals. Ignore all the previous Christmases, or what you feel like we owe either of our families. If you could have a brand new Christmas, starting from scratch. Like one of your recipes, when you focus on what you want to achieve before you pick the ingredients. What is your ideal Christmas like, Ophelia?”
…What is my ideal Christmas?
I try to think of what I would want if there were no expectations, no familial pressure, no one but me to decide.
I think about Parveen and our talk, the one about the trap of being an adult.
What if I didn’t feel like one anymore? What if I didn’t worry about any toes? What if I could let it all snow?
What if not only the magic of Christmas wasn’t gone, but I was the one making it?
“…I want to feel Christmas coming,” I start.
“I love the anticipation of it almost as much as the holiday itself. The music, the decorations, the Christmas lights, the cozy evenings, the shop displays, the Christmas jumpers, all of it! …I want to wake up every day in December and have all of that, at home and at work. I want it to be a festive season, not just one day. And I want to live it, not feel like I have to endure it. …And the food! I want to bake and bake until I drop, and I want to smell hot cocoa and mulled wine. I barely got any Christmas desserts this year, and I didn’t get any baking done, but I shouldn’t have waited until Christmas Day for that!
I was so happy when I brought that b?che to work, Nicolas.
I should use the holidays to spend time on my hobbies, not feel like I have no time for them.
…And I really missed not cooking more this year,” I admit.
Nicolas nods.
“I know. I’m sorry you didn’t get to make more of your recipes. …What else, sweetheart?”
“I want to make December such a merry time!” I shrug.
“And I want to find the time for my loved ones, not just cram them all into a tiny day. I mean, I know it’s chaotic, but…
I love my siblings, my parents, my sisters-in-law, my nephews, and my nieces.
When I think of my dream Christmas, they’re right there.
All of them. I loved spending one evening with Emi and Antoine, but that was also just one evening!
Even your mom, you barely got to see her for one evening… ”
He nods understandingly.
“It’s alright if things aren’t perfect,” I continue.
“I want to spread that Christmas spirit and be kind. Even if it isn’t perfect, even if it requires some patience, and even if there are some mishaps.
I want to make sure everyone feels seen and heard, and that everyone has a good time.
Not let a few suffer in silence to make the magic happen…
Christmas shouldn’t feel like an avalanche of chores, right?
And it shouldn’t be stressful, either. For anyone.
I know my family’s chaos was really hard for you, but maybe we can find—”
“I don’t think your family is chaotic,” he cuts me off.
I raise an eyebrow.
“Honey, I was there,” I sigh. “I know it gets—”
“I’ve visited your family plenty of times with you,” Nicolas says, frowning. “Your nephews and nieces are all very well-behaved. No one speaks excessively loudly either. I think the chaos was, or is, more of a… space issue.”
I frown, fully confused.
“What do you mean?”
“Your parents’ house,” he says. “The layout isn’t optimal for a large family during the holidays.
The kitchen is narrow, your mother has to shout over her appliances, the adults are talking loudly so they can be heard in the living room, and the space allocated to the children is limited too.
Since your family also enjoys playing Christmas music, and all the windows have to stay closed, it rightfully gets incredibly loud for everyone. ”
I take a minute to think about it, and now that he mentions it…