37. Chapter 37
Erik
I sit in my car, fingers drumming against the steering wheel, staring at the blank brick wall in front of my parking spot.
I've been parked for twenty minutes already, right on the other side of the street from the bookstore Lilith apparently works in.
Or Maya, whatever name she goes by now. And I've been a nervous wreck.
Fuck, I should've asked Kylie to come along after all. I don't even have a plan. Do I just waltz in there and say, ‘Hi, not sure if you know of my existence, but I'm your little brother?’ Does she even work today?
I stare into nothingness, all possible scenarios running through my head. My phone buzzing in my hand pulls me out of the spiral.
Kylie: Thinking of you. Good luck. Love you.
I take a deep breath and let her words wash over me. I can almost hear her voice in my head. My fingers hover over the keyboard, my heart beating in my throat.
Erik: I'm scared.
I tap out the words, but hesitate before clicking send. My finger trembles so much I accidentally do.
Fuck.
The admission makes me feel like a failure.
I should be overjoyed. Instead, the guilt of almost having stopped searching for her combined with apprehension that it might not even be her, is making it hard to think straight.
I stare at the screen intently, as if it allows me to take it back.
Immediately, three dots appear in our chat, indicating she's typing a reply.
Kylie: I know.
Two words that put me at ease immediately.
Kylie: It is scary, but you can do it. I know you can.
My shoulders slump and I lean my head back against the headrest, staring at the roof of my car.
Can I? Because everything in me is screaming to start the car, pull out of my parking spot, and drive back home like a coward.
And then what? Would I tell aunt Molly I knew about Lilith for days and chickened out on telling her about my discovery and making sure it’s actually her?
As if she can sense me spiraling, my phone buzzes with an incoming call.
“Hey, babe.”
“Hey. Sorry, did I stop you?”
“No,” I chuckle and rub my eyes. “I've been sitting in my car for twenty minutes, too afraid to go in.”
“Oh, Erik.” There is so much emotion in her voice in those two little words. Affection. Sympathy. Worry. “I wish you had let me tag along.”
“Me too.” Seriously, what was I thinking when I decided to drive here alone?
“Listen, if it's too much today, nobody will be angry. This is a lot. If you need more time to prepare yourself, take it.”
On a logical level, I know it is. Still, it’s good to hear.
“I think if I take any more time, I'll never bring up the courage,” I mumble and stare at the bookstore sign to my right.
“Talk me through your thoughts, baby. What is the worst that could happen?”
“The worst?” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I guess the worst would be if she doesn't believe me and thinks I'm a scammer.”
“Which, to be fair, is reasonable,” Kylie points out gently. “But you can disprove that. What else?”
“She knows and doesn't want to have anything to do with us.”
“See, that is way less rational.” I can hear a smile in her voice.
And I’m inclined to believe her. Even Caleb came around to his sister.
Even if Lilith is as stubborn as me and aunt Molly, Caleb easily has the stubbornness of us combined.
“Sorry, I know this is not an impossible outcome.
But even if that were the case, and I'm pretty sure it’s a very big if, you still know she's alive. That's a win in itself.”
“You're right,” I mumble and straighten my shoulders. She's alive. Quite honestly, it’s more than I expected to find out about her after all these years.
“See?” She giggles and the sound chips at the weight on my shoulders. “Look on the bright side. Now take a deep breath, and then be the badass I know you are and go in there. Whether you introduce yourself or only linger around, you can still decide. Go with the flow and what feels right.”
“Okay.” I take a deep breath, unbuckle myself, and open the door.
“That’s the spirit.”
“Can I come over later?” I fear if I can’t see her after this I might combust.
“You can come over any time for any reason.” Her voice turns soft, like a warm blanket over my shoulders. “Good luck, Erik. All fingers crossed.”
“Thank you.”
Before I change my mind, I end the call, run across the street and stop in front of the store’s display window. It’s surprisingly big, located right on the little town's main street. However, there are curtains behind the displayed books, making it impossible to catch a peek into the showroom.
You can do it.
I hear Kylie's voice in my head. Anxiety tickles my stomach, and I shake out my arms.
“Here we go,” I mumble under my breath and push the door open.
“Welcome!” I glance at the woman who greeted me and force my lips into a tight smile. It's not her. She's probably aunt Molly’s age. Grey strands run through her blonde hair and her kind eyes are lined with crow's feet and wrinkles.
I mumble a greeting and walk further into the store, pretending to be interested in their book displays.
The store is cute. It has a warm wooden interior, book shelves line the walls from floor to ceiling, small trinkets and décor garlands lovingly placed on them.
Tables are strategically arranged, filled with mountains of books and little knickknacks, like a tea assortment, mugs or warm blankets to curl up under.
Before I even realize it, my feet bring me towards them and pick one up. They’re so soft. I might have to get it for Kylie for when she's at my place.
“Hi there. Is there anything in particular you're looking for?”
I freeze and almost drop the blanket, eyes widening.
I just know it. Without seeing her, I know the owner of the voice. It's her.
My stomach churns and flips in excitement at the same time. Breathe, Erik. Don’t forget to breathe.
Ever so slowly, I turn around, bracing myself for what, or rather who, I’m about to see. “I’m only having a look for my girlfriend.” I hold up the blanket, surprised by how clearly the words come out.
“Let me make you the boyfriend of the year. What does she like? We have all kinds of books here. I'm sure you'll find one for the perfect surprise.” I keep my eyes fixated on the shelf behind her, heart beating so loudly I barely hear her question.
“Crime,” I manage to press out, then finally, I allow myself to look at her. My heart beat drowns out all other sound and my hands turn clammy.
It's her. There’s not a sliver of doubt left in my mind.
Sand-colored hair falling down to her shoulders in soft waves, striking green eyes, both so from our dad. She’s almost a replica of aunt Molly in pictures from when she was my age. And, most important of all, the little scar just above her lip.
It's her. I don’t have a slither of doubt.
Fuck, I can't believe it. I want to cry and to cheer, but instead I take a deep breath and try not to fall apart.
“We have crime books over here, if you'll follow me.” She gives me a pleasant customer-service smile and guides me to the correct section. “Does she prefer murder mysteries or thrillers?”
“She's a huge documentary fan,” I mumble, staring at the back of her head. “You know, true cases, how they got solved.”
“Right.”
Her eyes glide over the books on the shelf, and I pretend to do the same, but I keep watching her from the corner of my eye. The way she crosses her arms under her chest and slightly frowns as she focuses. The grin tugging at her lips as she pulls one of the books off the shelf.
One hundred percent aunt Molly. Emotions clog my throat to a point I can't even talk anymore.
Fuck.
“So these are all fiction,” she explains with a frown. “However, I know just the book for her. A forensic specialist wrote it, outlining the most memorable cases of his career and all the science behind how he solved them.”
“That sounds right up her alley,” I press out and clear my throat.
“If you want to, I can put in an order for you and you can come collect in two or three days. Does that work for you?”
“Yes,” I say before my brain even made sense of the words.
“Great. Come with me and I'll set your order right up. Is there anything else you're looking for?”
You.
A voice inside my head screams, but I shake my head. “That would be it for today.” I can’t. The revelation is on the tip of my tongue but I swallow it.
“Great.” Another friendly, yet distanced customer service smile.
She walks ahead and I find myself following her like a lost puppy. Once behind the cashier counter, she scans the blanket I forgot I’m still holding and orders the book for me, then hands me a bag with the blanket and my receipt.
“Then we'll see you in two to three days. Have a lovely rest of your day, sir.”
“You too,” I mumble turn to the exit door in a daze. The closer I get to it, the harder it gets to breathe. Fuck, I need air.
“He looked really familiar,” I hear the older woman declare in a whisper, but before I can hear Maya's answer, I'm already outside.
I'm a coward.
I run across the street back to my car, jump behind the wheel and only then do I allow myself to freak out.
I'm a fucking coward.
At least I went inside the store. I met her. And now I know for sure it’s definitely her.
Once my thoughts stop spiraling, I start the engine and drive back home on autopilot.
Thirty minutes later, the panic finally subsides. Another thirty and I’m actually calm. Thirty more and all I can think about is how badly I wish Kylie was in the passenger seat so I can talk everything through with her.
I don't even consciously make the decision to drive to Kylie's, but when my mind switches off its auto pilot, I’m already pulling into her driveway. Before I even make it out of the car, Kylie is already on her porch, waiting for me.
Wordlessly, I run the few meters to her porch and scoop her up.
“I'm so proud of you,” she mumbles against my ear, hooking her legs and arms around me as I hug her to me as tight as I can. I still don't have any words.
I carry her inside, kick the door closed behind us and walk to her to the living room, where I sit on her couch, with her in my lap, and bury my face in the crook of her neck and take a deep, shaky breath.
“You met her?” Her fingers run through my hair, fingertips gently massaging my scalp. I nod. “You did so well.” She presses a kiss to my temple. “I'm so proud of you.”
“Nothing to be proud of. I didn't tell her,” I mumble against her shirt and softly shake my head.
“I don't care. I'm still proud of you.”
“Will you come with me next time?”
“Of course.”
The tears I'd been holding back all afternoon run down my cheeks and soak into her shirt. Abby jumps on the couch, clearly confused, and puts her little paws on my shoulder, nudging the side of my head with her nose.
I'm not sure what led me to come here, but I'm damn sure thankful it did.