Chapter 17 #2
I laugh harder. “Why am I not surprised? Wow. He’s not even from here and still knows all of Chicago’s secrets to getting lucky.”
We laugh together, and as it fades, the air shifts into something lighter. Something familiar. Comfortable.
We’re parked beside a row of yachts, swaying gently in the breeze. I glance out over Lake Michigan, the skyline shimmering in the water below. It’s beautiful here. Quiet. Secluded. The kind of place people come to escape—or hook up.
Or maybe to try again.
I’ve always loved this city at night.
I turn to him. “How’s Matt?” I pause, drawing in a breath, and ask the question I’ve been avoiding—just one of many. “How are you?”
His eyes meet mine, and there’s something soft in them. “Tonight?” He exhales. “I’m good. I’m more than good.”
It’s the first time I’ve asked about him.
It’s a step.
I’m not sure if it’s in the right direction, but it’s forward.
Maybe that’s what tonight’s all about.
Not a reset. Not a promise.
Just… a beginning.
By the time I get back to the hospital it’s late—almost 1 a.m. That’s almost 2 a.m. in New York. But I need to talk to Scarlett. It’s the weekend, she might be up. And if she’s asleep, I know she turns her phone on silent, so I won’t wake her.
I take a seat in the waiting room and call her. It rings a few times and then goes to voicemail.
I end the call right as a text comes through.
Goodnight, babe. I love you. Looking forward to our next make-out in the backseat at Montrose harbor… Maybe we can get to second base?
I laugh softly, shaking my head.
Alley
Don’t hold your breath.
For two years it’s been so heavy. I feel like I’ve been swimming with a weighted vest, holding on to Jensen—barely keeping us afloat. Trying to save us both. It’s been a lot. Too much.
Tonight, I feel like the vest was taken off. At least a few pounds were unloaded. And that feels incredible. I’m scared shitless, but my lungs fill with air a little bit easier.
My phone vibrates in my hand. It’s Scarlett.
“Hey,” I say quietly. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“No, you didn’t. I was just finishing something.”
“Something? Or someone?”
She just laughs. “I don’t have to answer that.”
“Yeah, okay. So how was he?”
“Meh. I’ve had better.”
I laugh this time.
“What’s up?” she asks.
It’s silent for a minute before I blurt, “I kissed Jensen—er, I let him kiss me. No, I definitely kissed him. Asked for it, even.”
God, I’m a mess.
I wince as I wait for judgment, my lips pressed tight, eyes squeezed shut.
“Okaaaay,” she finally says slowly, like she’s still trying to wrap her head around it. Then, “Shit, Alley. I love you, but what the fuck are you doing? Did you forget how bad it got? You cried on my couch for weeks. You barely ate. Barely slept. You said you were done.”
“I know.” It’s all I can say. I feel stupid, because she’s right. Of course she’s right.
She exhales loudly. “I’ll support you. Always. So if this is what you want, I’m here for it. But, I need to know this is truly what you want and not just what feels good right now. That you’re not getting caught up in the moment. I need to know you’re thinking clearly.”
“Of course I haven’t forgotten. Trust me, I know how this looks.
But it feels different this time. I never felt that before.
I hoped for it. I wanted it… but I never really felt it like I do now.
I mean, he’s been clean for six months. Six months.
That’s half a year. A hundred and eighty days.
That’s a miracle compared to where we were.
That’s got to count for something. And what if, Scarlett?
What if he stays clean forever? Do I want to throw away that chance?
If he stays clean, there’s no one else I’d rather be with. ”
“I know that’s how you feel right now. You still love him. But that will fade with time. You’re still young. You’re beautiful. You have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll find someone else. Someone who won’t break your heart.”
Dammit. It’s harsh. But that’s what I love about her. She will never sugar coat the truth. Doesn’t bullshit anything. We have the kind of relationship where we give each other grace because that’s what friends are supposed to do.
Even still, it stirs a bitterness deep within.
Scarlett was the least forgiving and understanding of all my friends.
She told me to leave from the first time I told her.
And when I mentioned that he had come to visit me in the hospital, she told me to be careful.
She knows me better than anyone—second only to Jensen.
“I don’t want to find someone else,” I mumble into the phone, holding back tears.
“But you will.”
“Is that why you’re still single?” Shit. That just slipped out. I didn’t mean it like that.
“That’s different,” she says, no offense taken, thank God.
“I’m happy with the way things are. Sure, if someone came along that checked all my boxes, I’d be happy about it.
But I’m perfectly content being single. At least for now.
Plus, I’m way harder to get along with than you.
” She pauses. “But that’s beside the point.
Okay. I’ve said my piece. Spoke my truth as best friend.
And now, also because I’m your best friend, I want to know all about this kiss. Don’t leave out any details.”
A grin spreads across my face. She checks all my boxes when it comes to best friend. Honest and supportive.
I divulge the evening in full detail, leaving nothing out, and she listens, making a point to ask questions and react appropriately.
By the time I say goodbye I don’t have any more clarity than before. If anything, I feel more conflicted. Scarlett’s words linger, challenging my thoughts. Talking me out of the way that I feel.
I let the war between my heart and mind continue as I drift off to sleep. Giving all the fresh ammunition I can to my heart—
Because that’s who I want to win.