Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
ALLEY
The keypad to Matt’s condo in Chicago clicks open, and Jensen pulls the door wide with a smirk.
“You sure you wanna come in?” His voice drops low, teasing. “I’ve pictured you naked on at least three different surfaces in here.”
I roll my eyes and brush past him, stifling a laugh. “Do you say that to all the women you bring here?”
He chuckles behind me. Jensen’s been joking all night about us being on a first date.
What if we were on a first date and I did this?
(Cue Jensen holding my hand.) Then, What if we were on a first date and I did this?
(Cue his hand falling to my ass.) He’s done this forever, and it’s always made me laugh.
It helps lighten the tension, because let’s be real, this is weird—to be “dating” again.
Not the kind of dating married couples do to keep things fresh. Actual dating. Starting over. Rebuilding trust. Letting him kiss me again… and maybe more.
God, I’m getting really excited about it.
“Nah,” he says, stepping close behind me, his voice warm at my ear. “I usually don’t like the others enough to get past dinner.”
His hand brushes my waist as the door clicks shut. Then his mouth finds mine. Soft. Sure. Daring me to stop him.
I don’t.
Those Jensen butterflies ripple through my core, sending a wave of heat down my body. Dammit. Why does he have to be so sexy? So funny? So loving?
He’s the definition of irresistible…
If only he wasn’t an addict. If we didn’t have a history of lies and heartbreak.
His hands comb into my hair, and I gasp for air as the kiss grows hotter—charged with pure need. I swear I could get off just by rubbing against him. When it’s been this long, it doesn’t take much.
God, he feels so good. Every time he kisses me, it’s like that first kiss all over again.
Cooper’s words loop through my mind nearly every day. Just choose. Make a decision.
But Jensen’s call the other night froze me. I know there are going to be spirals. Temptations. Hard days. But the what-ifs…
What if he hadn’t called?
What if he’d taken the gummy? Drank the alcohol? Or worse…
I can’t even let my mind go there. If it did, I’d run again.
I’m proud of him for calling. I am. And I’m trying, really trying, to be okay with where he is in his journey. Because this man holding me in his arms?
I love him more than life.
So much it hurts.
But… what if?
I know too well: once an addict, always an addict.
I’m still here, though. Still wanting him. Still wondering. Toeing the line between insanity, love, and lust.
I break the kiss, catching my breath. “We could have sex, you know,” I whisper.
“Just for tonight.” Forcing my gaze to his, I try to calm my racing heart.
“But I’m still unsure about what I want long term.
And honestly, I don’t think I’m in the best headspace to make big decisions right now.
Not with my dad just getting home. But…”
I press my hand to his stomach, fingers slipping beneath the hem of his shirt. “It’d be fun.” I brush my lips over his.
His forehead drops to mine. “Fuck, babe. Don’t tell me that.” His shaky breaths mingle with mine, and I take a moment to explore the firmness of his abs beneath my fingertips. Good Lord, it turns me on.
The meditation room kiss last weekend? Wow. I could’ve dropped to my knees right then and there. I was ready to tear his clothes off. Completely forgot where we were. It caught me off guard.
I want him to say it’s fine. To take me right here in the kitchen. I want to rip his shirt off and study every inch of his skin. Of his tattoo. I want to feel him inside me again.
But I need him to hold back. To respect the space of uncertainty I’m still in. To prove that he’s still the same patient man—the kind with a willpower only God could give. The one who never rushed me. Not even when he was starving for more.
Because that’s the old Jensen. He could ruin you in the best way… but only once he has permission.
I’m giving it.
… Sort of.
He pushes away from me with a restraint I haven’t seen since we first started dating. “I’ll go get the package for Leo.”
Dammit. But also, I needed that. To see him resist.
He turns, walking toward what I assume is the master bedroom. Matt had something shipped here for Leo and asked if I could take it to him.
His place here is nice, an upscale condo in downtown Chicago, but it’s normal nice. Not like the ritzy, oversized penthouse he owns in New York.
Everything about tonight has felt normal, in the best way. Jensen took me to dinner. Then a comedy show, where we laughed our asses off for two straight hours. It’s been fun. Maybe the most fun I’ve had since I moved here.
Jensen’s always been a good time, though. It’s one of the many reasons I fell for him in the first place.
He appears again, carrying a medium-sized box in his arms. “C’mon. I’ll walk you down to your car.”
My heart sinks a little. Why did I suddenly want him to set the box down and say screw it?
I reluctantly open the door and trail after him down the hall like a sad, love-sick puppy.
“Is it heavy?” I ask. “I can take it so you don’t have to come all the way down.”
“No. But I’m not letting you go to the parking garage this late by yourself.”
A smile tugs at my lips as we walk. We reach the elevator and he presses the down button. He’s always been the perfect gentleman.
Except in the bedroom.
My mind betrays me, flashing to him spreading my legs, a wicked grin on his mouth as he lowers his head.
Good Lord. Stop.
“You picturing me naked?” Jensen asks with a smirk.
“No!” I reply way too quickly. “Why would you think that?”
He cocks a brow, like he knows I’m full of shit. “Because that’s the same smile you use in the bedroom, babe.”
“Psh.” I roll my eyes. “This is a normal smile.” Good lie, Alley.
He smothers a grin, pressing his lips tight. “Whatever you say.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” he asks, innocently.
“You know exactly what.” I glance at him, trying—and failing—to hold back a smile. “I was just thinking about how fun tonight was.”
“It was fun.”
The doors slide open and we step inside. Jensen presses the button for parking and sets the box down.
He folds his arms across his chest. “So, if this was a first date, would I get another? Would you go home and call Scarlett and tell her all about me?”
I scoff-laugh. “Yeah. I’d say, This guy I just went out with took me back to his place. Totally thought he was gonna get laid. But I put him in his place.” My smile shifts into a teasing grin.
He chuckles, low, dark and wicked, as he steps in close, backing me into the elevator wall.
“Oh yeah?” he murmurs. “Is that what happened?” His hands press against the metal on either side of me, eyes locked on my mouth.
“Seems to me like you wanted it.” A corner of his mouth twitches.
“You were even picturing me naked. Don’t deny it. ”
Holy shit. My breath catches in my throat as I stare up at him, heart pounding.
We jerk slightly as the elevator hits the ground floor.
“You’re lucky these doors are about to open, or I’d be the one putting you in your place.” A cocky half-grin tugs at one corner of his mouth as he backs away, picking up the box and stepping into the parking garage while my stomach does literal flips.
I take a steadying breath and follow, staying a few steps behind him to keep some distance. The broad muscles of his back flex with every step. I’ve never pinned myself as a back girl, but Jesus, his back. Everything about him tonight is turning me on.
He did just have me pinned against the elevator wall, though. I plead the fifth.
I pull the key fob from my purse as we approach the Lexus, and the lights flash as I unlock it.
Jensen opens the back door and sets the package on the seat.
Then he turns to me, cups the back of my head, and his mouth is on mine in an instant.
And just as quickly, it’s gone, disappointment sinking low in my gut.
He opens my door. “Night, Alley. Can I call you?” He smothers a grin, still playing the first-date card.
I shrug, cool and casual. “You can call me.” I slide into the seat. “But I don’t know if I’ll answer.”
He laughs. “Text me when you get home, alright?”
“I will.”
He shuts the door, and I start the engine, taking deep breaths to let my heart settle. He stands there, waiting for me to leave. I know he won’t go back upstairs until I’m out of sight.
I shift into reverse and back down the narrow lane, cars stacked on both sides. As soon as I’m out of sight, I find the nearest spot, pull in, and shift into park.
Leaning back against the headrest, I inhale deeply through my nose and let out a shaky breath. My heart races as I replay the evening—every joke, every glance, every kiss. But more than anything, what stands out is the way I feel—a lovely little cocktail of hope, love, lust and confusion.
Meanwhile, Cooper’s words play on loop in my head. You’ll know once you make a decision, if it’s the right path for you.
But will I?
There’s so much going on. Dad went home on Wednesday.
I got him settled, went grocery shopping, made sure he had everything he needed.
I’ve stopped by each day after work to check on him, spend a little time together.
Michael and I even set up a meal delivery service for the next week so dinners are taken care of.
It’s been an emotional few weeks. Cirrhosis is unpredictable, and even now, with Dad doing well… You never know when he just won’t be again.
Jensen has made it all bearable. That has to mean something. Doesn’t it?
I shake my head against the headrest and close my eyes. I need some kind of sign. Something that will give me clarity.
I start from the beginning.
Seeing him in mediation. The phone call, me leaving in a hurry. Him following.
The look of worry in his eyes.
The letter he handed me.
The letter.
Oh my God. How did I forget about that?