Chapter 21 #2
I pull my oversized purse onto my lap, fingers diving into the chaos. It has to still be in here. I unzip the inside pocket, and sure enough, there it is.
I pull it out, toss my purse onto the passenger seat, and break the seal.
Slowly, I slide the letter from the envelope. Why have I waited this long to read it? And why am I so flipping scared to do so?
Just do it. Read it.
I exhale, unfold it, and grip both sides, my hands trembling. I bring it closer.
Dear Alley,
It’s my last week here in rehab. Pathetic that I had to end up here in the first place, I know…
But I did it.
Detox was the most physically brutal thing I’ve ever endured.
Therapy was emotionally and mentally exhausting.
But the hardest part of all of this has been being away from you.
And if that wasn’t hard enough, knowing you might not be there when I get back…
that’s a kind of pain I don’t even have words for.
Because you are my life.
My entire world.
I dab at my eyes, already brimming with tears.
Shit.
I keep reading.
I can’t imagine breathing air that doesn’t have you in it. Waking up to an empty bed in the morning. Not seeing your smile. Not hearing your laugh.
You make my life better, Alley. Every part of it.
If this is the last letter I ever get to write you, then thank you.
For loving me. Even when I didn’t deserve it.
For showing me what true happiness is.
For teaching me what really matters.
For helping me get clean.
For making me a better man.
A tear drops to the page, and an audible cry escapes.
The weight of everything sits heavy on my chest, making it impossible to breathe easy.
Everything before you feels small now. Petty. Unimportant.
I don’t want this letter to be about me. But I need you to know… I’ve grown. I’ve faced parts of myself I never would’ve looked at if I hadn’t crash-landed here.
I’d take this all back in a heartbeat if I could. Of course I would.
But not for me.
For you.
Because I’ve come out of this stronger. Better.
And maybe you’d say the same thing, that walking away from me made you stronger.
But you were already strong, Alley.
You’re the strongest woman I know.
And I truly believe that together, we can become the best versions of ourselves.
I set the letter down, my vision too blurred to read. Oh my God. I lift the hem of my shirt and dab at my eyes, catching the tears pooling in them.
I know I’ve apologized in every letter up to now.
I’m not going to do that today.
Today, I just want to remind you of what we have. Of the friendship we built. Of the love I still feel for you every single day.
I love you, Alley.
I will never love anyone the way I love you.
And I don’t want to.
I fell in love with you way too fast. God, it was fast.
And I’ve fallen in love with you all over again, every day since.
And I’ll keep falling, every day, for the rest of my life.
If there’s even the smallest part of you that still loves me… that still wonders…
Baby, I’ll be here.
I’ll catch you this time. I swear.
I’m not going anywhere. And neither is the love I have for you.
Love,
Jensen
I set the letter down and let my lungs fill with a giant breath of air. Then I pull it back, reading the line again.
If there’s even the smallest part of you that still loves me… that still wonders…
Baby, I’ll be here.
I’ll catch you this time. I swear.
I sit there, crying. Staring. Wanting to run into his arms and let him hold me. To fix this. Fix all the parts of us that are broken.
All these months I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been able to move on. And it’s because of this.
Because I’m married to Jensen Adams. I’m married to a man who would hang the moon for me. Who loves me so hard, it nearly killed him trying to get better for me. The kind of man who would put me first, no matter what.
But only when he’s clean.
That’s the part that stops me.
Every. Time.
I get close, and then the fear of relapse whispers in my ear.
But when has loving someone ever been about certainty? When has taking the leap of falling in love, or getting married, ever guaranteed anything? God, tomorrow isn’t even a guarantee. Each day, we all walk around like we have forever, when in reality, we could be gone tomorrow.
And there it is.
My answer.
I don’t want a today if there’s no Jensen in my tomorrow.
I’ve already had six months of them, and it’s been miserable.
The sound of my own tears pulls me back to the present. An acute awareness settles, and a calm washes over me. I shift into reverse, ease the car out, and head for the exit.
As I approach, I turn the wheel and circle back to the spot I was in before. The one closer to the elevator.
Just make a choice, Cooper said. You won’t find peace until you do. You’ll know if it’s right.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t felt at peace.
Because leaving Jensen was the wrong choice. Because no matter how far I run, I’ll never stop wanting him. Never stop wondering what would’ve happened if I’d stayed.
What do I even have to lose at this point? Jensen? Time?
I was already losing him. God, I already did.
And when I did, all I wanted was to find him again. To get him back.
And what’s time anyway, if I don’t get to spend it with the one person I want to?
Shit. Here goes nothing.
I throw the car into park and shove the door open, practically tumbling out. I don’t think. Don’t stop to grab my purse.
I just run to the elevator.
I stab at the up button at least a dozen times until the doors finally slide open.
The ride up takes an eternity, and my heart thunders in my chest. I swear you can see it through my shirt. My whole body trembles as I make my way down the hall, walking as fast as I can without running.
I reach the door. My knuckles rap against it, fast and frantic, just like my heart.
I wait for what feels like forever, then knock again. Harder this time. I’m practically vibrating with nerves.
Come on. Open the door.
Finally, it swings open.
I bring my gaze to his, trying not to hold my breath as he takes me in.
His brow lifts. “Hey, babe. What’s wr—“
“I read your letter,” I say, my voice breaking.
I don’t wait for him to answer.
I just step forward and crash my mouth against his.