Chapter 18
I spent the rest of the evening by Jeremy Beaumont’s side, mostly in a state of confusion, though I smiled and pretended to be happy. He danced with me three times, until I said, “I’m tired. I think I’d like to sit.”
“Forgive me. Of course. I’ll bring you some lemonade.” He seated me beside Mrs. Kendall, who couldn’t stop smiling.
“And to think, my own niece has made a match with the Season’s most eligible gentleman. Just when I thought you might not make a match at all.”
“Perhaps the less said the better,” I whispered to my aunt. “There are sure to be some broken hearts in the room, and we don’t wish to crow too loudly and make them feel worse.”
“Oh, yes, you are right, my dear. Very true. How thoughtful you are.”
“We can speak about it at home.”
“Yes, quite right.”
Jeremy returned with lemonade and tea cakes, which I ate.
I didn’t know what else to do with myself.
No gentleman would ask me to dance with Jeremy Beaumont hovering over me and the room buzzing with the news that we had just got engaged.
And dancing with Jeremy Beaumont just made me nervous.
Or was it confusion? Or maybe I was feeling angry.
But I was at least as angry at myself as at him.
I would need to sort out my feelings later when I was alone. For now I had to keep smiling and pretending. There was nothing else I could do in front of all these people.
When the ball was over and my aunt and I were waiting for the carriage, Juliet and Jeremy approached me.
“We will call on you tomorrow.” Juliet was smiling, but I could see she wasn’t quite sure what to make of our engagement. And of course, she was still worried about her brother dueling with Fairweather.
I might have been worried about the duel if my anger hadn’t started to overcome my other emotions. When Jeremy bid me a good night, was I supposed to fawn over him like someone who was in love with him? I wouldn’t do it.
“Good night, Miss Moore,” he said.
I nearly said sarcastically, “Shouldn’t you call me ‘my love,’ or at least ‘Amelia’?”
But “Good night” was all I said.
What was to become of me and my dreams of true love?
All night I wrestled with thoughts and feelings. If only I had not let Jeremy Beaumont kiss me, I could have been sleeping peacefully. But then, if those ladies had walked in while I was trying to talk Jeremy into not fighting, we would have still been in trouble. Kissing only made it worse.
If only I hadn’t let Juliet talk me into trying to convince Jeremy not to fight.
Hadn’t Juliet realized that she’d left us alone together at a ball where anyone might walk in and see us?
For that matter, why hadn’t I realized it?
Why hadn’t I insisted Juliet stay until I could finish talking to him?
Eventually I decided it was Fairweather’s fault for being evil and assaulting Juliet. None of this would have happened if he had not made Jeremy feel as if he had to fight the man for the honor of his sister.
And what if he was killed in the duel at dawn? Whenever there was a duel, one or even both of the participants could be killed.
My more complicated feelings, however, were what really kept me awake.
Did I love Jeremy Beaumont? The answer was almost certainly no, since I’d always disliked him, and how can you love someone you disliked?
Did he love me? He couldn’t possibly, as he’d always disliked me as well.
Besides, he hadn’t told me he loved me even while asking me to marry him.
No, he was only trying to do the honorable thing.
I had to admit, he was an honorable man, on the whole. But how did I feel about him offering to marry me just to protect his honor and my reputation? I didn’t like it. That much I was certain of. How would I ever fall in love now? He had ruined my life’s hope.
The most complicated thing of all was how I felt about him not loving me. But that didn’t even matter. I refused to think about that.
Now I had a decision to make, which was whether to break the engagement and when.
The beginning of calling hours was generally accepted to be ten o’clock in the morning, but Juliet and Jeremy were announced at nine-thirty.
I felt tears sting my eyes. Until that moment I hadn’t realized how worried I’d been that he had been killed.
As they entered the room, I tried to read Jeremy’s expression. He was serious, and I believe I detected a bit of nervousness in the way he held himself.
Juliet, however, was all smiles, and she hurried toward me, hands outstretched. “I am so overjoyed that my two favorite people are to be married. You are to be my sister, and I am so glad.”
I took her hands in mine and let her invest me with her smiles.
A servant interrupted us to say, “Mrs. Kendall says she will be down directly but not to wait for her.”
Mrs. Kendall knew that we no longer needed a chaperone, now that we were engaged, and I was certain she would take her time.
I looked at Jeremy and asked, “Did you duel?”
“No. The coward has fled. He has no honor, but I already knew that.”
“I for one am very glad,” Juliet said.
“I agree,” I said. “Let him stay away, afraid to show his face in London.”
“Yes, he should be very afraid, should I ever see him again.”
Juliet waved her hand. “Hopefully you never will. But I don’t wish to talk about that. I want to know how long you two have been in love.”
I watched his face.
“I suppose it has been coming on for some time,” Jeremy said, “but I began to understand my feelings when Miss Moore was staying with us.” He barely glanced at me when he said this.
Anger boiled up inside me. How dare he lie about such a thing, to his sister and to me?
“I wonder that I didn’t see it,” Juliet said.
“You both kept your cards very close to the vest. But it’s so wonderful, and it makes sense.
You are both so good, in your different ways.
But I must warn you, Amelia, not to let him tell you what to do all the time, for he can be overbearing sometimes. ”
“I am not overbearing,” he said. “You are just difficult.”
“Ha! Do you see how ornery he can be?”
“Juliet, you would have Amelia decide not to marry me after all.” He gave her his familiar one-sided eyebrow raise.
I couldn’t remember him ever having said my given name before. Why did I feel wings fluttering in my chest when he said my name?
“No, indeed, for it is as I said, you are both the best people in the world. I only wish to put Amelia on her guard, that is all.” Juliet addressed me.
“You must not agree with everything he says and does. You must be firm, for you are so sweet and gentle, I am afraid you will let him always get his way.”
“I will not always let him get his way, I assure you.” But saying that made it seem as if I were accepting that we were getting married. I felt slightly sick.
“I am talking too much,” Juliet said, suddenly jumping up with a giddy laugh.
“I will go out into the hall to give you a few moments alone, before Mrs. Kendall arrives. I’ll occupy myself with some breakfast. I know where the breakfast room is.
Perhaps I can even delay Mrs. Kendall for a few minutes. ”
She left and closed the door without giving us a chance to speak.
I looked at Jeremy. He looked at me.
We both started talking at once, then stopped.
He said, “Go on.”
“Since I know you are not in love with me,” I said, “I release you from the engagement.”
He looked at me a moment. “As I said a few moments ago, I do love you, and I do not wish to be released from the engagement.”
Again, I tried to read his expression. “What am I to make of this? For I know you have disliked me from the first day we met.”
“Not true.” His jaw was clenched, a muscle tensing. But then he suddenly softened. “At least, I have not disliked you for a while now. I realized I misjudged you. As I said last night.”
This was all so confusing.
He suddenly took my hand in his. “Please do not dismiss me out of hand. After being engaged for a while, if you feel nothing for me, we shall release each other.”
The way he caressed my hand with his thumb, leaning so close to me, gazing into my eyes, I couldn’t think about anything except his kiss—and whether he might kiss me again.
“Is that acceptable?” he asked.
“I suppose . . .”
“You are very lovely.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
“May I kiss you?” he asked.
I should say no. There were so many reasons to say No, you may not kiss me. Instead, I said, “Yes.”
I shouldn’t let him kiss me if we might possibly release each other from the engagement, but that thought was lost when his lips touched mine.
His lips were almost magical, the way they made every part of me feel all tingly and alive. How could I ever have thought I might love anyone else but Jeremy Beaumont?
How could I think I loved Jeremy Beaumont?
When our lips parted, he was gazing down at me with the tenderest look in his eyes. Oh, heavens. Was this what it was like to be loved?
But this was Jeremy Beaumont. He couldn’t love me. I was sure he didn’t. Or I had been sure.
I was not ready for this. It was all wrong.
“Forgive me,” I mumbled. “I shouldn’t have said yes, as I am still so unsure of my feelings.”
“It is I who should ask forgiveness.”
We stood near each other. I kept my gaze on the floor as I tried to sort out my thoughts.
A few moments later, he said, “I want to apologize for kissing you at Lady Everson’s ball. It was wrong of me and must have surprised you very much, as we were not engaged.”
His words angered me. Was he saying he was sorry for kissing me because it caused him to be forced to ask me to marry him?
“Why do you say it was wrong?” I demanded.
He hesitated, then said, “It was ungentlemanly behavior.”
I couldn’t argue with that, but . . . “Why did you do it? Why did you kiss me?” It was the question that was foremost in my mind.
“Why did you let me?”
Heat shot up my neck and into my face. I sucked in a loud breath.
“Forgive me. I should not—”