Chapter 18 #2
“No, you are right. I was wrong to let you kiss me. You did not force yourself upon me. I allowed it to happen, and for that I was wrong.”
“Forgive me, I did not intend to accuse—”
“Yes, you did. You want me to share the blame, and I do. But that does not mean I wished to marry you.” So now he knew that I wanted to kiss him, a man I didn’t intend to marry.
“Forgive me. The fault was mine and mine alone. As a gentleman, it is my responsibility to protect the lady in my presence, and I failed to do so.”
“Is that why you asked me to marry you? Because you are sorry you didn’t protect me? You feel responsible for possibly ruining my reputation? Well, I absolve you. I take the blame. You are absolved.”
We stood in silence for a moment as I tried to control my breathing. I wasn’t sure why I was so angry.
“Forgive me. I did not mean to insinuate that I was sorry I asked you to marry me, or even sorry I kissed you, for I wanted to kiss you, and I want to marry you.”
I tried to think how I could be angry about what he had just said, but I couldn’t.
“Mrs. Kendall!” we heard Juliet exclaim from the hallway outside the closed door.
I took a step away from him, though Jeremy seemed reluctant to let me; he kept hold of my hand. “Thank you for not breaking the engagement, for giving me a chance to show you that I love you,” he said.
I opened my mouth but only stared at him.
The door was flung open, and Mrs. Kendall was followed by Juliet.
“Here is the happy couple,” my aunt cried. She clasped her hands in front of her chest as she beamed her smile on Jeremy. “And when shall we expect the wedding to take place?”
My heart skipped a few beats.
“That is something we have not decided,” Jeremy said.
Juliet said, “You will need to set a date soon. You certainly may not run away to Gretna Green. I wish to be present for these nuptials.”
“We will either have the banns read,” Jeremy said, “and that will take at least three weeks, or I shall get a common license from the bishop.”
“Oh, you must get a common license,” Juliet said. “It is too public and awkward, having the banns read. And then you may get married right away. You should do as you wish. Or rather, as Amelia wishes. What do you say, Amelia?”
“I have not given it much thought yet.”
“I suppose it is quick,” Juliet said, and I could see her expression change. “You only just got engaged last night. I am always in a hurry for everything. Not everyone is like me, I realize.”
We talked for a minute more, then Juliet said, “I need Amelia’s help with something. We will only be a minute.” She jumped up and I followed her out of the room.
Once we were in the hall, she whispered, “What is the matter? I can see that something is amiss. Tell me everything.”
I led her into the drawing room across the hall and shut the door. “I do not know. It is all so confusing. Juliet, I do not know what to do.”
“What do you mean? What has happened?”
I told her about the kiss and how I never had any notion that Jeremy thought of me as anything but his sister’s friend.
“Well, that isn’t exactly true. Sometimes I did have a notion. But I thought I was imagining things. And I still think so. I’m confused.”
“What do you want, Amelia? Do you want to marry Jeremy?”
“I don’t know.” I pressed my hand against my forehead.
“Well, he obviously loves you.”
Did he? She was his sister so she would think the best of him. After all, if he kissed me but didn’t love me, that would make him very improper, and I’d never thought he was improper. Rude and conceited, yes, but—
“I think you two need to talk. Privately.”
How could I tell her that the last two times we were alone, we kissed instead of talking? She’d think I was completely depraved. I thought I was completely depraved.
“I’m just afraid he only asked me to marry him because he didn’t want to ruin my reputation.”
“I don’t think so. He must love you. How could he not, when you are so wonderful?”
I wanted logic and truth, not compliments. “Perhaps he does, but . . . I suppose we should not leave him in there with Mrs. Kendall. She will say things that will make him uncomfortable.”
“No, you mustn’t always accommodate him,” Juliet said. “That is what you must not do. He will come to expect it. No, you must have some power in this relationship, and the way to do that is to tell him how things shall be, what you want and do not want.”
That did seem like good advice, in general, and under these circumstances it seemed especially wise. After all, I needed to know how he would react when things did not go his way. It had worked well for me with Mr. Harper, after all.
I barely acknowledged Jeremy when he and Juliet took their leave of me a few minutes later. My mind was a whirlpool of confusion, and I just wanted to be alone.
It was the middle of the Season, but Jeremy didn’t mind that Shelley was taking him away from the constant parties and assemblies of London. Just thinking of a fortnight in the country made him literally breathe easier.
Shelley’s invitation to his country house in the Lake District had included only Juliet, Amelia, Mrs. Wilson as their chaperone, and Jeremy. At the last minute, as Jeremy was about to leave, he grabbed his long-neglected sketchbook and tucked it into his trunk.
The journey to the Lake District was rather long, but Jeremy found he didn’t mind traveling when the company was enjoyable.
He and Shelley told stories about their childhood, and Juliet and Miss Moore did the same.
He already knew all of Juliet’s stories, but he found himself watching Amelia’s face, and he listened intently to her telling of growing up with eleven brothers and sisters.
Her stories were always about her siblings, and although her role was usually to help them out of some scrape they’d got themselves into, he had to infer that, and he often asked her specific questions, as she didn’t say very much about herself.
But her stories proved what he’d already guessed: that she was helpful, gentle, modest, and sensible. She would make a very good wife.
It wasn’t the first time he’d thought this, but now that they were engaged, it made him just slightly . . . desperate to make her fall in love with him.
This realization that he was in love with her was still new.
He hadn’t meant to kiss her at the ball, hadn’t meant to ask her to marry him, and for that matter, hadn’t meant to fall in love with her.
But now he knew that he would be brokenhearted if she broke off the engagement.
To secure his happiness, he needed to change her mind and make her fall in love with him.
His future—their future together—depended on how he conducted himself on this trip to Shelley’s country house.
When had he ever failed when he’d determined to do something?
This, however, was more important than anything that had come before it.
He had not done any sketching for years, not since their parents died, but many times he had thought about how he’d like to take Miss Moore’s likeness. He’d imagined how he would draw her eyes, the softness of her jawline, the way wisps of her hair escaped and brushed against her neck.
So when they reached Shelley’s home and everyone was resting in their rooms, Jeremy pulled out his sketchbook and began to sketch her from memory. After half an hour, he had to stop when he realized he needed to see her again to get any further.
It felt good, even relaxing, to be able to put pencil to paper and create something. But thinking about Miss Moore was anything but relaxing. He left his room in the hopes of finding her.