Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
She knew it was only a matter of time.
Hallie closed the front door quietly so as not to alert Jacob that she’d heard everything he had to say. The second her name came from his lips, she’d felt herself start to crumble. She might have gone out there to confront him if she hadn’t heard the anguish in his voice.
Jacob was struggling with his own views of what should happen between them. And she wasn’t going to be the one to push a decision on him. Besides, by the end of the conversation, she could tell he was already leaning toward one side.
Jacob Hines was the sort to have a singular mindset.
He focused on what mattered most to him and he put his whole heart into it.
If Hallie were being honest with herself, she’d admit that during the last couple of months she could tell he was holding back.
He didn’t feel secure enough to give her all of himself.
Perhaps that was why the dull pain in her chest wasn’t ripping her apart from the inside. Because she’d already known from the beginning that whatever this was—it would be temporary.
So, she focused on preparing the hoagies she’d gotten the ingredients for. She sliced the cheese, tomatoes, and onions. Then she layered everything on some buns and plated the meal. Something told her that by the end of the upcoming party, everything would go back to the way it was before.
Before she’d allowed him to have her whole heart but after the awkwardness of confessing her feelings. At least he’d be traveling, and the strained part of their friendship would be allowed to breathe for a bit.
The front door opened and Jacob glanced at her briefly before gesturing toward the hallway. “I’m going to use the restroom. Then can we watch that show?”
She nodded, fighting back the tears and forcing a smile to hide the grief that threatened to overwhelm her. “Of course.”
He flinched. It was so small no other person would have been able to see it.
But she did.
Jacob didn’t meet her gaze again until after he’d returned from the restroom. The air was thick with the anticipation of the hardest conversation she’d have to experience in her life, second only to when she’d laid her heart bare for him.
“He looks so good!” Faith nudged Hallie and nodded toward the group where Jacob stood. He was smiling with his friends. Brent, Tate, Jason, and Mack were only a few of those who were here in full support of Jacob’s return to the arena.
She didn’t miss the way Jacob continued to seek her out and lock eyes with her during the event.
There was a pain there that she wished she could take away.
At the same time, she battled with the knowledge that this chapter of her life was completely temporary.
She needed to remind herself to enjoy what she had.
“So…” Wendy said with an excited drawl. “You finally got the guy. How does it feel?”
Hallie dragged her eyes toward Wendy. She was married to Tripp and their relationship had started off rocky but in the end, they’d made it work.
Heck, as she looked around the group of women who were watching her with rapt focus, she could recall moments in each of their relationships where hardship had come between them and the men in their lives.
There was just one big difference.
The men who belonged to these women were raised to understand how important love was. Hallie knew her aunts and uncles. They were all strong in their relationships and they’d set great examples for their sons.
She could feel Jacob watching her again, but this time she didn’t give in to the temptation to look at him.
He’d lost his parents. His father was a drunk who got them both killed.
She couldn’t remember a lot about what Jacob had gone through as a child but based on how much importance he put on his career over any relationship including the one with his brother, she’d assumed that he simply didn’t have the tools to maintain one.
Hallie was nudged again, this time by Faith. “You okay, sweetie?”
Forcing a smile, something she’d been doing a lot more frequently these days, Hallie nodded.
“Yeah, it’s just… it’s been… a lot has been going on, you know?
I moved back home and Jacob is diving into work again.
But everything has been great. Better, even.
” Shoot, was her voice too peppy? Was she overcompensating because she felt like she was lying to her friends?
The truth was, everything had been going great. If she hadn’t heard Jacob’s side of the conversation with his brother, she probably would be on cloud nine.
Changing the subject seemed to be in order. Otherwise, she might reveal the truth of her feelings. Hallie’s friends were the sort to back her up and if they thought Jacob deserved it, they’d go to bat for her.
Clearing her throat, she glanced around at the women. “Actually, there’s something I haven’t told you guys.”
All eyes turned to her, locked on her face and making her squirm. She blushed hot and let out a laugh. “Sheesh, can you guys be just a little less intense? I mean, seriously.”
There were some quiet chuckles and she drew in a nervous breath. “I entered a competition of my own.”
They waited expectantly.
“In photography. There’s a magazine that’s looking for some new talent… and…”
Winter let loose a holler and pulled Hallie in for a hug. “That’s amazing!”
Hallie’s eyes bugged as the girls crowded around her. When they released her, a genuine, startled laugh escaped her throat. “It’s not that big of a deal. I’m a finalist, but I haven’t won, yet.”
“That’s amazing, Hallie! I didn’t know you liked photography,” Faith said, her sweet smile easing the anxiety that was pooling in Hallie’s stomach.
“Oh, she loves taking pictures.” Sammie says without a hint of surprise. “Haven’t you ever seen her wandering around with that ancient camera?”
Hallie gasped and turned to her best friend. “You knew?”
“Oh, honey. Of course I knew. I didn’t think it was a secret, though. And the competition? That’s great! You have to show us what picture you submitted!”
Hallie blushed. Then she remembered that these girls knew her feelings about Jacob. “Yeah, Okay,” she agreed. “Next time we get together.”
At that moment she locked eyes with Jacob again. The longing and flutters she’d always had came out to play while a new combative reality attempted to slaughter them. It was only a matter of time before Jacob wanted to have the talk. She wasn’t going to make it easy on him, either.
The back and forth that occurred between the two of them had gone on so long.
Too long.
She’d been the one to brave the storm and tell him how she felt only for him to turn her down. She’d been the one to tell him it was a bad idea to get involved when he was going through a life altering event and he’d pushed her to try.
So, if Jacob wanted to end what they had, he’d have to dredge up the courage to do so all on his own. He’d have to lay witness to the way it would break her.
Hallie tore her eyes away from the man she knew she would love forever and attempted to focus on the conversation taking place in the group.
Faith was brainstorming wedding ideas. Due to Brent having such a large family and most of his family preferring to have the wedding at Sagebrush Ranch, she figured that was a good starting point, but she couldn’t bring herself to commit when she loved her family’s property as well.
It wasn’t as big, but the scenery was to die for.
Most of the girls seemed to agree with her and their chatter sounded more like clucking hens to Hallie when all she wanted to do was slip away.
Thankfully this party was also on Sagebrush land and if she really wanted to, she could do just that.
Her home was across the way. Would anyone even notice?
“I know that look,” Sammie murmured under her breath. “I wouldn’t if I were you.”
Hallie rolled her eyes then gave her friend a look that said, ‘try me’.
Sammie laughed behind the rim of her solo cup. “All I’m saying is that there is at least one person who would follow you.”
Hallie refused to look at Jacob again. Not right now.
It didn’t matter if Sammie was right and she knew it.
At this point, there were too many variables to consider.
Sure, Jacob might notice. But would he really follow her?
Or would he shoot her a text and check in?
He’d been growing more distant, after all.
A warm hand tugged Hallie away from their group and toward the side of the yard where one of those large heaters had been set up.
It was still nice during the day, but the second the sun hid behind the mountains, the chilly air swept in.
The party had to be outside to accommodate everyone who cared about Jacob and to make things work, Hallie had tracked down several heaters and portable firepits to offer heat.
Overhead, strings of lights lit the space, creating a fun atmosphere. For the most part, everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves—Jacob included. Unless he was looking in her direction.
Hallie sighed once she was alone with Sammie. “What do you want?”
“Spill.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hallie allowed her eyes to dart to Sammie’s for just a second, but it was a second too long. Sammie knew how to read her like a children’s book she’d memorized after the fifth read-through.
“You know better than to lie to me.” Sammie swirled a finger near Hallie’s mouth. “This is saying you’re happy, but these?” She pointed to Hallie’s eyes. “These are saying you’re barely being held together with scotch tape and Elmer’s glue.”
Hallie huffed but in the very next moment, Sammie’s arms came around her and held her tight.
That was when she lost it. Tears sprang free and she allowed her friend to hold her long enough to regain her composure.
With shaking fingers, she swiped beneath her eyes and let out a sad laugh.
“Thanks a lot,” she muttered. “Did anyone see?”
Sammie glanced over her shoulder then around the crowd. “Maybe Jacob? But no one else.”
Shoulder’s slumping, Hallie shook her head. “He’s avoiding me.”
Her friend snorted. “That’s the biggest lie of all. We’ve all seen how much you two have been looking at each other.”
“You don’t get it. He’s going to break things off. He’s getting back into his routine, getting back to work. And when he’s busy, he doesn’t have time for a relationship.”
Sammie didn’t look like she believed a word Hallie said.
“I’m being serious,” Hallie insisted. “I heard him talking to his brother. He said that he wasn’t going to quit because he knows himself well enough to understand he’d resent me.
I don’t know what his brother was saying, but Jacob made it clear he didn’t want me feeling like I’m sacrificing too much while he’s gone all the time. ”
Understanding filled Sammie’s eyes followed by empathy. “Oh, hon. So, he’s just scared. Have you told him that you’re okay with that? Are you okay with that?”
“Of course, I am. You know me. I love the whole rodeo life. I make it to every event within driving distance. I love cheering him on. Heck, if he asked me, I would pack a bag and go on the road with him. I…” Her face crumpled and another tear slipped free.
“I love him enough to want to support him. I’m sure I could find a job on the road.
Or something remote. It would be worth every sacrifice.
” She knew she sounded desperate and borderline crazy, but that was the truth of it.
She’d been in love with Jacob for years.
And he’d given her a taste of what life could be like when he returned those feelings.
Except he didn’t return them fully. Not really.
“Have you told him that? All of it?”
Hallie shook her head.
“Why the heck not?” Sammie’s eyes darted away, and she took a step as if she planned on telling Jacob herself.
Panicked, Hallie grabbed her hand. “Don’t say anything.”
“Why?” Sammie demanded. “He can’t just break up with you without having a conversation. This is important.”
Hallie chewed on the inside of her cheek and finally admitted aloud why she couldn’t. “I’m the one who said I had feelings first. And you know how that turned out. He got hurt because he wanted to clear the air and I was being reckless.”
“Hallie—”
“No, let me finish. When I was helping him at his cabin, he said he wanted to try. And honestly, it was everything I wanted to hear. But I didn’t trust him.
Not after he let me down the first time.
My gut told me that he’d just let me down.
Not on purpose, but because he was leaning on me already and maybe there was some trauma bonding taking place.
But he convinced me. Sammie, he made me believe we could be something more.
” Her voice cracked and she stared down at her feet.
“But then I heard him on the phone with his brother and that sealed everything for me. He’s always going to choose his job.
He’s never going to choose me. And that’s okay… ”
“Hallie…” Sammie said softly, emphatically.
“It’s okay,” Hallie repeated if only to convince herself. “But I’m not going to make it easy. If he follows through with ending things between us, he’s going to deal with the consequences. He’s going to have to hear me out when I tell him what a fool he’s been.”
“If?” Sammie asked.
“What?”
“You said, ‘if’. Does that mean you think he might not break things off?”
Hallie shrugged. “I mean, I guess there’s always a chance he’ll come to the conclusion that he wants me there at his side.
I have to have faith, right? I love him too much to expect the worst from him.
” It was stupid, but that was the truth of it all.
Hallie wanted Jacob to choose her, to tell her that they’d figure out a way to be together even if it meant having a long-distance relationship for a while.
“Right,” Sammie whispered. “There are plenty of families who travel for the rodeo when they compete. You wouldn’t exactly be an anomaly.”
“Exactly,” Hallie agreed.