BUT BY DEGREES #12
“No! Oberon, no. That world was horrible for almost everyone who was trying to survive in it … and it didn’t have you.
A world without you isn’t a world worth living in.
” The only reason I’d been able to be happy in Titania’s Faerie was because so many of the people I cared about had been openly removed from existence; they weren’t there to complicate the rest of it.
Given the choice, I would never choose a world without Dean or Raj, or even Raysel.
I might never fully trust her, but she was a part of our household now, and she had earned enough of my affection that I would fight anyone who tried to harm her.
I would never choose a world where Toby couldn’t consider herself my equal or even my better, where she couldn’t teach me the lessons I trusted would eventually make me a better High King, a better noble … a better man.
Titania had been willing to make me someone worse if it meant I was better suited to her purposes. I was willing to make myself better, until I was worthy of the people who cared for me.
“Good,” said Dean, and smiled, as sweetly as a San Francisco sunrise.
Then he yawned, bone-crackingly wide, and nestled closer on the bed.
“Now will you go back to sleep? Toby’s off saving the world or whatever, and that means that when she gets home, everything is going to be all chaos and shouting until she’s satisfied that there’s nothing else she needs to fight. You’re no fun when she’s in hero mode.”
“Yes, dear,” I said, half-laughing, and bent to press a kiss against his forehead. He smiled, pressing himself against me, eyes already closed, and nothing much mattered except for holding him close and sliding back into sleep.
It came with surprising ease, and as the world drifted away, I thought that this might be the most at peace I’d felt since I awoke back in the real world after Titania’s spell.
The ghosts she’d conjured might haunt me for the foreseeable future, but I was strong enough to stand against them. I had to be.
I would be.
This was where I belonged, in this house full of people who loved me, in this world I’d built and fought for and earned for myself. This was my paradise, and I was going to be happy here. I was going to believe that I belonged.
I was.
I exhaled and let sleep take me, and when I opened my eyes on the room I’d occupied during Titania’s dreamworld, I knew it was exactly that—a dream.
It had no power over me. I slid out of the cold, empty bed, moving to the mirror, where I saw myself reflected as I truly was: slightly untidy haircut, anxious eyes, and all.
Look as I might, I saw no superiority in my expression, no cruelty, only a quiet resignation at being back here again, where I’d been so many times since the spell had ended. There was no kindness for me here.
There was no paradise, either. I paused as I realized that, looking around the room.
This version of me had been warmed by his conviction in his own superiority, his easy belief that he was at the peak of Faerie, never to be challenged—but he had also been lonely.
No lover for him, no sweet, stubborn boyfriend to tangle in his sheets and cover with kisses.
No girlfriend, either. I missed Katie, but our worlds had always been destined to drift apart, and this version of me would never have been able to court a human with any sincerity.
No friends for him, not real ones, anyway; there were no other Daoine Sidhe his age in Shadowed Hills, and his devotion to the idea of his own superiority meant that he would never have dreamt of befriending any of the “lesser” fae.
Even the knights in Duke Torquill’s service had been beneath his notice—or avoiding him.
With the remove provided by my real thoughts, I could see how much effort Grianne and Garm had put into staying out of his orbit, leaving the self-absorbed princeling to swagger around without their involvement.
Etienne had agreed to stand as his knight only after cajoling and commands from Duke Torquill: there had been no true allegiance there, no real belief that Titania’s version of me was capable of the chivalry and loyalty necessary for a knight to truly serve.
No. This me had walked entirely alone, and been too tangled in the idea of his own superiority to see it.
I looked at my reflection for the first time with pity, and bowed my head slightly as I said, “You have no power over me anymore. I refuse to give it to you. You thought you were better than anyone, but I’m the you who keeps company with people you would revile, and I beat you.
Just me. No one else. And now I’m going home. ”
I closed my eyes, hard.
When I opened them again, I was in my bedroom, full afternoon sunlight shining through the open window. The bed was empty; Dean had woken up and ducked out, claiming first use of the bathroom. I stretched, listening. There were voices coming from downstairs, Toby’s among them.
Home. I was home, and this was where I was going to stay, forever after.
There could be no truer paradise.