27. Jessica
Jessica
She arrived at Claire’s apartment early Saturday afternoon with a spring in her step and a song in her heart.
She was still riding the high from settling into a relationship with Renee.
But not seeing her since Thursday seemed like it had been so long ago.
Their texts felt like something new and fresh, but also well-worn and comfortable.
Jessica couldn’t wait to see her again that night.
She’d have just enough time to take Chase to the dog park—since he’d be cooped up that evening—before she needed to get ready for the celebration of life for Renee’s aunt.
The reason for the event was terribly sad, but she was glad she could help make it a happier one for Renee and everyone else who loved her aunt.
A few seconds after she knocked on the door, Claire opened it with a big grin, unlike how Jessica had seen her the last few times. And Chase was waiting patiently on his spot, wagging his tail but not jumping or barking this time.
“Can you come in for a second?”
“Sure,” Jessica said, her nerves beginning to crank up as she stepped inside. It was always uncomfortable to see Claire. Being reminded of their failed marriage. But she was happy. She had her music and her lessons, all going well. She had Naomi and Tim. Now she had Renee in her life, too.
Claire gave Chase the command that he could leave his spot, “Say, hi,” and he eagerly ran to stand beside Claire, tail wagging and tongue hanging out in pure joy. She crouched to pet him and let him lick her face.
“I already took him for a walk first thing this morning,” Claire said. “Except for the storm evening, we’ve been going twice a day.”
There was a sheepishness to the statement. Maybe a hint of shame about her lack of responsibility with him in the past.
“Thanks,” Jessica said, giving him another pet before standing to face Claire. She wasn’t sure she should thank Claire for doing what she was supposed to do in the first place, but she was grateful for it. For Chase. “How was he during the storm?”
She’d texted to check in on them, but their exchange was brief, letting each other know they were safe with no details. Like most of their communication since the separation, there wasn’t much to it.
“Normal storm reaction,” Claire said. “He was a little anxious, but not bad. Kept to his bed or Mom’s couch if he wanted cuddles.”
Jessica was glad to hear he wasn’t too stressed out. They were usually lucky in that regard. He didn’t freak out with thunder or fireworks. Just became more alert, that was all.
“Do you want to sit for a minute?” Claire looked at her with hopeful eyes.
Jessica really didn’t want to. It felt so awkward to be in there at all. She didn’t think she could sit there and make small talk with the woman she’d shared a life with. But she sat on the dark gray couch, anyway.
It was weird sitting on furniture that wasn’t theirs. It was Claire’s and not hers. They had separate furniture, separate apartments, separate everything now. She’d grown used to all of that, but facing it was a little unsettling still.
Claire sat on the other end of the couch. She was chewing the inside of her mouth like she always did when something was bothering her.
“What’s wrong?”
Jessica’s mind raced with all the things that could be going on. Was it something with Chase? Was Claire sick? She didn’t look ill, but there could be some major issue that wasn’t visibly obvious.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Claire said. Then she shook her head. “No, there is something wrong.” She took a deep breath. “I fucked up.”
Jessica relaxed a little. “It’s okay. You’re doing what you need to now. Chase is fine, no lasting damage or anything. We just move forward from that, right?”
She reached out and put a hand on Claire’s. It was a reflex. Something she always did in the past to comfort her when she was upset.
But that was in the past. They didn’t have that kind of relationship anymore.
She gently squeezed Claire’s hand and tried to slide it away, but Claire grabbed it to keep it there.
“It’s not that. I mean, I fucked that up too, but that’s not what I’m talking about.” She looked down at their hands. “It’s worse than that.”
Worse? Was she forgetting to feed him or something?
She suddenly realized that it probably had nothing to do with Chase. She was probably referring to the breakup with her girlfriend. Whatever she might have done to end that.
Her voice became tight. She didn’t want to be roped into anything going on there. “Then just tell me what it is.”
“It’s you. And me.” Claire swallowed hard and looked directly into Jessica’s eyes, holding her gaze. “I fucked up us.”
Jessica’s heart beat faster in her chest. She wasn’t prepared to have this conversation. Not then. Never, really. But she especially wasn’t prepared at that moment.
Sure, they probably needed to talk about it, eventually. To have some closure as the divorce was finalized. But she could have used a heads-up on it.
“Claire, I don’t—”
Claire released her hand and put her own up to stop her. “I need to say this.”
Jessica tried to calm herself. She could do this. She could at least listen. It would buy her a moment to figure out what she wanted to say.
Because Claire was right. They needed to have this conversation. And now was as good a time as any, she supposed.
She nodded for Claire to continue.
“I was a crappy wife. I realize that. I have no excuse either. I just got lazy and… well, I don’t think I was very nice to you. Especially near the end. I’m sorry for that. For all of it. And for taking you for granted.”
Jessica hadn’t known what to expect, but if she’d guessed it wouldn’t be this.
“It was more than that,” Jessica said, surprising herself by knowing exactly what she wanted to say. “You made me feel small.”
Claire looked as if she’d been stabbed. “I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I was unhappy. For a long time. With myself mostly, but instead of talking about it, I took it out on you. It had nothing to do with you.”
This was news. News Jessica hadn’t even considered. How could she? With no other information, of course she assumed there was something wrong with her.
“You were unhappy with me, too,” she said. “Everything I did was wrong.”
Claire shook her head. “No, everything I did was wrong. Everything I was doing with my life was wrong. And you… you’re doing what you love, and I guess part of me wanted that, too.”
Jessica couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You’re telling me you were jealous of me?”
“I guess so. Yeah.”
“For years? Because we’ve been not good for a very long time. I’ve come to realize that now.”
“Since forever,” Claire said. “You’re doing what you love. You never stopped. I did.”
“I didn’t ask you to.”
“I know. Like I said, all of this is on me.” She made a small, pained smile. “I started writing again. It’s mostly the beginnings of stories I never started but always wanted to.” Her smile became a little more genuine. “And some terrible poems.”
Jessica returned the smile. “I’m sure they’re not terrible.”
“Oh, they are.” Claire shook her head. “But that’s not the point.”
“Then what’s the point?”
She didn’t mean for it to sound snippy, but she couldn’t help it. There were too many years of pain and self-doubt to be washed away by a simple admission of guilt.
“The point is, I’m sorry.” Claire’s smile was gone. “And I’m hoping you can forgive me. One day.”
Jessica could see the pain in Claire’s eyes, and she believed her. Well, most of it. There was still a small part of her that believed she had failed the relationship.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you either,” she said. “I should have told you how you were making me feel. We should have talked about it. But I internalized it and let it get worse.”
“But it wasn’t all bad, right?” Claire’s voice had an air of hope to it. “I mean, we were good in the beginning.”
“Were we? Because, looking back, I’m not sure anymore.”
“I mean, we were good when we got this guy, weren’t we?” She aimed her hand to gesture at Chase, chewing on his nylon toy. “I know I was crap at showing it, but I always cared about you. Always.”
Jessica’s head spun with everything being thrown at her. She heard the words, but they didn’t make any sense. Not after all that had happened between them. Not with all the thinking Jessica had been doing.
“You were the one who walked out, Claire. I probably should have, but you were the one who gave up.”
“Like I said, I really was deeply unhappy. And I thought leaving would make that better somehow. But I was so wrong. It only made it worse.”
“But you said you’re writing again. That’s some good that came out of it.”
“Sure, but if I had been thinking straight, I could have done that while we were still together. I could have found what would make me happy and be with you. The way we used to be. The way we should be.”
Jessica recoiled slightly. This conversation was making less sense with every word. “What are you saying?”
“I guess I’m asking if you’ll consider giving me another chance. Giving us a chance. I know I don’t deserve it, but I just want the chance to make things right.”
Jessica was stunned into silence. Every emotion from their marriage came rushing through her. The good times in the beginning—and yes, she was right, there were good times. The worst of it through the end. The peace she was feeling closing out this chapter of her life.
“You just broke up with your girlfriend. Maybe you’re just messed up from that.”
“Why do you think we broke up?” Claire’s blue eyes were rimmed with red now. “It was because I’m still in love with you.”
Jessica flinched.
“We’re getting a divorce. Like, the paperwork is done. We’re just waiting for the judge to sign off on it.”
“I know, I know,” Claire said. “But I’m sure we can stop it. Pull the paperwork. At least for now. Just… could you please think about it? I know I can’t ask you to get back together, but I’d like to try to maybe start over?”
Jessica shook her head. “We can’t just start over. That’s not how anything works.”
“Okay, then let me try to make it up to you. Make up for what a shit I’ve been for so long.”
“Claire, I don’t—”
“Just think about it. Please?”
“I have to go.” Jessica stood abruptly, hurrying over to where Chase’s leash was on the dinette table. “Come on, buddy.”
Chase darted towards her and sat in front of her, tail wagging on the floor. She clipped the leash on and headed for the door.
“Jessica—”
“I have to go,” she repeated, then exited the apartment with Chase right beside her, her head swimming with shock and doubt and a million other emotions she couldn’t quite pin down.
All she knew was that she had to get home, then take Chase to the dog park for a little while.
That would clear her head. And she needed it clear.
She had a celebration of life to play at that night.
Renee.
No, tonight was about Renee and what she needed from Jessica. Thinking about Claire—not considering, just thinking—would have to wait until tomorrow.