Jessica
“So, how are you holding up?” Danielle asked as they helped set the chairs in a circle in the center of the meeting room, leaving a trail of spring breeze-scented perfume as she moved around. “You were still stressed when we talked after Lila’s lesson.”
Aubrey walked in and started helping with the chairs. She looked fresh and cool in linen pants and a fitted white T-shirt—most likely from the boutique she and Kim worked at—and her black bob and bangs were perfectly styled. Her pale skin glowed the way it still did on a twenty-something woman.
“Oh, no,” Aubrey said. “Stressed with what?”
Danielle gave her a tight smile. “I know you’ve put a lot of thought into it, so I’m sure it’s the right decision.”
“Have you told her yet?” Aubrey asked.
Jessica shook her head. “I’m meeting her after this to trade off Chase.”
“Her dog,” Danielle added.
“Right, sorry. We share custody of our border collie.”
“Sounds… complicated,” Aubrey said.
“It is,” Jessica said. “Sometimes.”
“And how’s that going?” Danielle asked.
“Better.” Jessica smiled. “No P.I. needed.”
“Good,” Danielle said, smiling back. “I’m happy for you, whatever you do. Because you seem lighter. I like that on you.”
“Thanks,” Jessica said. “I like that on me, too.”
Melissa and Kim went over to the circle from where they were talking near Melissa’s big tote bag in the corner, right as Gerri walked in to join them.
“Did I miss anything?” Gerri asked, looking stunningly stylish with a red designer handbag draped over one dark-skinned arm.
“Not much. We haven’t started yet. And Jessica was just telling us how she’s decided whether or not to get back together with Claire.”
“No kidding?” Gerri said, eyes wide. “I didn’t know that was an option.”
“Yup,” Jessica said. “I’ve been mulling it over all week.”
“I thought you were dating the hot detective or whatever,” Gerri said.
“Private investigator,” Jessica said. “And that’s been on hold since this all went down.”
It had been so difficult to have no contact.
So many times she wanted to text Renee to check in.
Or call her to see if they could talk things out.
She missed her. Missed her voice. But that wouldn’t have been fair to Renee, and it wouldn’t have allowed Jessica the headspace she so desperately needed to figure all of this out.
“Oh, wow,” Gerri said. “I miss a lot between these meetings!”
“Don’t worry. Me, too,” Aubrey said.
“So, what have you decided?” Gerri asked.
Jessica bit her lip. “I kind of don’t want to say. Not until I talk to Claire. I need to get it out first before I talk about it and second-guess myself again.”
“Well, I support whatever you come up with,” Gerri said.
“We all just want to see you happy,” Kim said.
“Thank you.”
“Is everyone ready to start?” Melanie asked, half of her dark auburn hair pulled back in a clip while the rest waved down just below her shoulders, her standard weekend hairstyle for their meetings.
They confirmed and found their seats as Melanie reminded them all of the book they had read that past month. With all of her nervous energy and time alone, Jessica had finally caught up and finish it over the last week.
“Before we begin the discussion, let’s talk about our possible dinner party,” Melanie said. “Is everyone still up for that?”
They all chimed in with their interest.
“Good,” Melanie said. “I’m so excited. We’re looking at maybe doing it instead of next month’s meeting. So you’ll have two months to read the book. If that works for everyone?”
“Works for me,” Jessica said. The others agreed.
“Great! Kim’s going to head up the plans for the dinner, so she’ll get with you all about the details about the date and time and see what everyone can bring.”
They all murmured their enthusiasm for the idea and thanked Kim, who was usually the most organized and proactive of them all, for heading that up.
“And I know we usually do this at the end of the meeting, but while we’re at it, the next book on our list is…” She looks at the paper with the book schedule they agreed upon a couple of months ago. “The one about the two soccer players from rival teams who fall in love. Still sound good?”
That did sound good. Jessica was excited to read it. She found she was excited to read all the books they’d selected, and none of them had disappointed yet.
After everyone voiced their enthusiasm for the next selection, Melanie sat down and said, “So let’s start this month’s discussion.”
The park was even busier than a usual Saturday afternoon, since the first true cold front of the season had whisked into Oakview. Everyone was out enjoying the crisp air and sunny skies.
Jessica found Claire sitting on a bench near the dog run.
The bench.
The one Jessica usually sat at, but, more importantly, the one she had sat at with Renee just a few weeks before. That seemed so long ago. Time had suspended over the past week, leaving Jessica both in a daze and with complete clarity. At least about this.
“Hey,” Claire said.
“Hey.” Jessica sat on the bench beside her. She watched as Chase played with an equally exuberant Boxer mix.
“It’s good to see you,” Claire said, wringing her hands. “I tried to give you space, like you wanted.”
“I appreciate that,” Jessica said. As confident as she was in what she needed to say, she still felt as if her insides were vibrating with anticipation.
“I hope your week was good?” Claire said.
It was so weird making small talk with her. They’d shared so much of their lives, and it had all come down to this awkwardness.
“Sort of,” Jessica said. “I did a lot of thinking.” She laughed softly. “And reading. But mostly thinking.”
“And? Did all of the thinking help?”
Jessica nodded. “I think so. No, I know so.”
“So what did you decide? Can you give us another chance?”
Jessica stared out at the dog run and Chase bouncing around.
She looked at anything but Claire. Jessica wasn’t sure she could handle that pleading look in her intense blue eyes.
She was afraid to be influenced by that look because it would make her see the Claire she used to know.
Long ago. The one she fell in love with.
But she wasn’t in love with Claire anymore. Not any version of her.
“I appreciate that you’ve been patient while I figure this out. And the truth is, it took me a while to get my thoughts clear. To focus just on the possibility of you and me again.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Claire’s head drop.
“There’s someone else, isn’t there?” Claire shook her head. “I shouldn’t be jealous. It’s hypocritical.”
“But I did clear things up. I tried to only think about us this week.”
She finally turned to Claire, who looked up again and met her gaze. Her eyes were tired, as if she hadn’t slept much more than Jessica had this past week. Except Jessica had the benefit of a good night once she’d made her decision.
“And?”
“And I can’t do it, Claire.” It broke her heart to tell her this, but it was the only true answer. The one they both deserved. “I believe you’ve changed. I truly do. And a couple of months ago, I would have jumped at the chance to get back together.”
“But she came along,” Claire said. “I get it.”
“This has nothing to do with her. Nothing at all. I made sure I didn’t factor her in. I just considered the possibility of us.”
“Then what changed? Why would you have jumped at the chance then but not now?”
“Because I’ve changed,” Jessica said. “I’m not the person I was when we were together. I lost myself in us. I twisted myself to be what I thought you wanted. And I can’t do that again.”
“Then don’t,” Claire said. “Let’s be different together.”
The words sounded like they made sense. They sounded so reasonable.
But that wasn’t what Jessica wanted.
“I need a fresh start,” Jessica said. “And it isn’t about Renee. It’s about me. I need a fresh start, whether that’s alone or with someone else. I can’t do this with you. I’m sorry.”
Claire wiped at her eyes and hung her head again. “It was a long shot, anyway. And more than I deserved.”
“Hey, you deserve to be happy, too,” Jessica said. “And I think we can only be happy if we aren’t together. I really do believe that.”
Claire nodded, then lifted her head to look out at the dogs. “We still have that guy.”
“He’s the best of us,” Jessica said.
Claire nodded again. “So I guess this means you’re with… Renee is her name?”
“I don’t know,” Jessica said. “She’s had time to think this week, too. I don’t know what she wants to do now. I want a relationship with her, but I’ve got to be okay with myself, no matter what.”
Claire wiped her eyes again and smiled at Jessica. “Good. I want you to be okay. Either way. Even if it isn’t with me.”
Jessica reached out and squeezed Claire’s hand. “I want you to be okay with you, too.”
“I will be,” Claire said. “Eventually.”
“Good.”
“Thank you,” Claire said. “For being honest with me and for giving this the thought it needed.”
Jessica nodded. “Of course.”
They sat in silence for a long while before Jessica stood, taking the leash from Claire. “I should get going. There’s somewhere else I need to be. Are we good?”
Claire stood with her and held out her arms. “I’m good if you are.”
They hugged, and it felt like exactly the closure Jessica needed. What she had needed for so long.
They said their goodbyes, then Jessica grabbed Chase and headed to her next stop of the day.