Chapter 40
I never realized how deep my emotions went until it was all revealed in last week’s meeting. Now, I can’t help but ponder every small moment that has happened leading up to this revelation. I love Zayden. I love my pack. So why am I also so angry at them, and how do I let it go?
Therapy had gotten easier over time, and Felix had found opening up to Dr. Burdough not so foreboding and grim.
He was able to confess things to her and speak in ways only his notebooks understood.
So now, at group therapy number two, Felix was feeling more confident about letting out whatever was needed to continue rebuilding his pack.
Everyone seemed to share the same sentiment, and no one looked as pale or as uncomfortable as before.
“What did Sonnet say after the interaction?” asked Dr. Burdough.
“Nothing,” Kai grumbled. “She just wanted to laugh it off and move on, but I know it was bothering her.”
“As well as the rest of you.” Dr. Burdough was busy scribbling in her notebook before ripping out the paper and handing it to Zayden.
“It is very important that all of you, including your mate, discuss the future. On there is a list of people you can reach out to when you get back home and find that she’s struggling to adjust. Luckily for you, you’re not the only famous pack I’ve had the pleasure of helping, and the safety and happiness of your omega is important.
But so is your pack relationship. Tell me, have you felt any changes since our last group session? ”
Almost everything has changed.
And for the better.
Perhaps that’s how it was supposed to be, too. From everything Felix had ever read about omegas, finding yours was supposed to be this life-altering event.
Not only had the four of them begun to enjoy each other’s company more than they had in months, but they weren’t walking on eggshells or glass, either.
When they were together with Sonnet, everything felt normal and relaxed.
There was no awkwardness, no moping, no hostility, or meanness.
They were all, day by day, molding back into the version of themselves that knew nothing but love.
No, a better version of themselves. Ones that deserved Sonnet.
Dr. Burdough looked proud and relieved by each of their answers. Perhaps she wasn’t expecting them all to make as much progress as they had, but that last group session was transformative.
However, as proud as everyone in this room was, Felix knew nothing was completely fixed with two weeks of therapy.
The Juliana situation was done and buried, but, as Dr. Burdough had revealed, she wasn’t the cause, just an effect.
Today, they would dive further into the real causes to avoid repetition.
The real causes were simple. Kai felt rejected by his pack, Jude felt like a ghost in his own house and misunderstood, Zayden felt like a failure at being lead alpha, and Felix…
All eyes were on him. Everyone else had been open and honest, but the word depressed hung over him like a knife on an old string. Suddenly, 'transformative' felt like a huge word, and the weight of carrying it out felt deadly.
He tried to clear his throat. “I don’t know.”
Dr. Burdough raised an eyebrow. Lying to the same therapist you had spilled your guts to wasn’t smart, and it was unlike Felix to lie, but it wasn’t unlike him to downplay his words.
Felix shifted on the seat and stared at a stained spot on the carpet. “I feel…lost. I don’t know what my role in this pack is like I once did.”
Felix was many things. Was. He was a bassist. He was a model.
He was second in command, or whatever you wanted to call it.
Felix was always satisfied with who he was and what he knew, and best of all, with his routine.
But after everything changed within the pack, something changed within him, too, and he wasn’t sure who he was anymore, other than lost and deeply, terribly, depressed.
He never said anything before because his problems seemed smaller than the others. They also felt too relatable. Everyone else in his pack was just as lost and depressed as he was, so why should he be the one to label himself with the same things everyone else had been feeling?
Because it’s getting worse.
But I have Sonnet now. And the pack is healing.
An omega isn’t a cure for depression.
But wasn’t that the problem? There was no cure for depression. Just tolerance.
“How would you like your role in this pack to evolve?” Dr. Burdough asked, gently pushing him to continue.
Felix furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.” He was too busy thinking about what he wasn’t, not what he could be.
Dr. Burdough looked at the others. “Have any of you considered your current roles in the pack, or what you would like them to be? Often, when a pack experiences displacement, the reason it doesn't rediscover reconnection is unknown pack dynamics. When a shift happens, you must be able to communicate it.” She waited, but no one spoke up. “Well, let’s start with the basics then, shall we? The different roles an alpha may maintain within their pack. These roles are often instinctual and determine if alphas are compatible.”
Felix knew this because he had studied it at length when he and Zayden were first looking to expand their pack. Although the list of roles was long, he knew the basics.
There was the Caregiver, the Provider, the Confidante, the Protector, and of course, the Lead Alpha.
Dr. Burdough listed many others, Felix wasn’t familiar with giving them an idea of where they could fall into, but she made it clear that moving forward, these roles were something they’d have to consider.
After all, these roles were what made a pack strong, but also what kept an alpha sane. Alphas relied on two things in life: a mate and a role, and you couldn’t have one without the other.
“Great,” Kai mumbled, looking over the printed list of the roles Dr. Burdough handed out. “More homework. As if the journaling wasn’t enough.”
Dr. Burdough chuckled. “Well, answer this, Kai. Has it all been worth it?”
Kai sat there thoughtfully, turning to look at each of them, and shrugged his shoulders. But Felix didn’t miss it. The right side of his lip was tilted upward.
Kai was smiling.