Chapter 41
They’re all looking at me to accept my role as lead alpha, a role I was born to be. I can feel their eyes watching and waiting. I can hear their thoughts asking me, ‘when will you be ready?’ I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
The last week of vacation had been difficult to swallow. Each day felt like their last, so Zayden ensured their time together was memorable and pleasant. Because back in the real world, it might not be.
There was still so much that needed to be fixed, including himself. So much to think about and plan and prepare.
Felix was good at those things. Planning, budgeting, and organizing. Zayden didn’t realize how good Felix was until he tried doing it on his own. Three days. That’s all they had left until they’d return home. Three. Days.
We need to ask for help.
Tell me about it.
But Zayden didn’t want to ask for help. He wanted to be Lead Alpha and for fuck’s sake lead.
Only leading hadn’t felt this complicated before they had an omega.
All he could think about was making sure Sonnet was safe and comfortable.
They needed to go nest shopping, figure out their schedules with hers, and meet each other's parents.
They needed to do a lot.
His alpha made a low sound that was between a frustrated growl and an impatient groan.
Stop and look.
Where?
Outside.
Zayden sighed and turned his head. Beyond the open patio doors, his pack enjoyed a nice day on the water. Felix was swatting Jude away from the picnic basket as he laid it all out, and Kai looked like he was competing against Sonnet to build a sandcastle before Goose came tumbling over.
They’re happy. They’re happy, Zayden.
But I still have to—
They’re happy. I want to be happy, too.
Do we deserve it?
Zayden pinched the bridge of his nose, this time to keep himself from crying.
Have I done enough repenting to deserve them all?
His alpha didn’t answer for a few seconds too long.
It wasn’t until Zayden continued to look at his pack that he realized the silence was on purpose.
He wanted him to keep looking, and what he saw made him ache.
What he saw was his pack, each at a different time, looking back at the house for a few seconds, waiting for something.
No. Waiting and looking for you.
For me?
It was true. When Zayden tilted back in his chair to peer out the door better, he caught Kai’s gaze, who looked at him hungrily. Hungrily for connection, and suddenly Zayden realized he was starving.
He quickly left his isolation and found himself barefoot in the sand, helping Sonnet with her castle.
“The favoritism is unreal,” Kai growled before scolding Goose as he trampled through a second time. “Whose idea was it to get a puppy?”
Sonnet scrunched her nose. “Hey, you’re the one who helped me convince everyone to keep him!”
Kai rolled his eyes before throwing himself backwards. “I give up.”
“WE WIN!” Sonnet kissed Zayden’s cheek and leaned into him. He felt his entire body relax next to hers. “I’ve missed you. Where have you been all afternoon?”
His heart pounded. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I should have come out earlier.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I got lost,” he said slowly before gently lifting her into his lap so that she was straddling him.
When he gazed up at her, all his problems seemed to melt away in her presence, like she was reminding him what mattered.
He brushed some strands of her pink hair out of her face and smiled. “But I think I’m finding my way now.”
Sonnet pressed her forehead against his and stared right into his eyes. “Hmm. I see.”
“See what?”
“Your future.”
Zayden scoffed, but he felt too afraid to move. “Since when did my mate become a little psychic?”
“Right now,” she hummed, her fingers twirling up his back and neck, as if looking for the strands of hair that was no longer there. “Do you want to know what I see? I can tell you for a fair price.”
“Then tell me.”
Her face pressed closer, just a hair’s length from a kiss.
“I see you being very happy, Zayden Obsidian. I see you relaxed on a back porch somewhere, much happier than the dark, moody house you all bought, strumming your instrument, singing new lyrics you’ve written.
It’s early in the morning before everyone is up.
You’re sitting there alone, happy, because you’re not really alone.
Because as the sun wakes up, so does everyone else, and we’ve all come to say good morning to our lead alpha. ”
Zayden closed his eyes and leaned his head back gently, letting the beautiful picture she painted soak into every crevice of his brain. “That’s beautiful.”
“Now, time for payment.” Her lips met his softly, delicately, like the faint touch of cotton candy before it melts. But he wouldn’t let her get away from him that easily.
His arms tightened snuggly around her waist as he deepened the kiss, as if they were sealing the promise of this happy future she foresaw.
He could hear Jude throwing a jealous tantrum not too far away. Sonnet pulled back first with a shy smile, but despite being shy, she had no idea how happy she had made him.
Her growth in this pack was phenomenal. She was adapting quickly to their advances and was now beginning to initiate intimacy on her own. She was still warming up to public affection even in front of the other guys, but like she did right now on the beach, she was doing excellently.
If Sonnet could attach herself to this pack so willingly, then it was time for Zayden to do his duty happily. It was time to be a leader.
That’s the spirit.
Sonnet left Zayden’s lap to join Jude and Felix, pecking Jude’s face to make him stop pouting. Zayden was too busy watching her to notice when Kai came over and sat down next to him. The scent of black forest cake wafted into his nose, and he tensed.
“You look like you’re trying not to scare off a deer,” Kai teased, but that’s exactly how Zayden felt. “It feels like we’ve been here for years, and now we must leave. And for once, I’m regretting going back to our stupid modern house.”
Zayden leaned back on his hands and gave Kai an amusing look. “You’re the one who picked the dark, moody mansion out of all the others. Has our little omega been getting through to you?”
“No.” She started laughing, and Kai smiled. “Maybe. It’s just that she likes color. Bright and shiny and happy things. Our house isn’t like that. What if our house makes her sad like the rest of us?”
Zayden had been thinking the same thing.
It was part of why his list of preparations had been going so horribly, because how could he prepare to make his omega happy if their house was so dark, cold, and lonely?
What good was doing all these things outside of the home if whenever she was in it, she wasn’t happy?
“Moving houses takes months, time, and money.”
“We have money,” Kai countered. “And the time.”
“Do we?” Zayden turned to him, his expression tight, but his body was exhausted. What he wanted to ask was, "Do you forgive me?" and “Does this mean you’re going to stay?” But those questions felt much heavier than a simple, “How much time?”
Kai tousled his dark purple hair; his eyes focused on Sonnet.
He seemed relaxed. More than Zayden had ever seen him, even before the split.
Then he began to wonder, was there a time before Sonnet that Kai had ever sat down and enjoyed the time he had instead of racing off to do the next ambitious thing?
Zayden remembered learning in school that no pack or alpha could reach perfection and contentment without an omega.
They could try, and for a while, maybe they’d feel like they had succeeded, but the moment you make that bond or are lucky enough to find a fated mate, everything changes.
Suddenly, it’s like breathing fresh air for the first time after living in the sewers for decades.
Something wakes up inside you. Something alive, with a soul, but different from your alpha.
It’s you. You’ve been sleeping this entire time, and then you’re awake, and everything you know is different; it’s better, and there’s no going back.
“I think we have all the time we need to make this work.” Kai’s eyes fluttered to his. “Let’s buy a house. For us. For her.”
Zayden’s eyes burned. “Okay.”
“Aw, man, please don’t cry!”
“I’m not crying.”
“You look like you are.”
“I just stared at the sun, that's all.”
Kai rolled his eyes and laughed. “The sun is behind you, jackass.”
Zayden’s nose didn’t ache but crinkled as he laughed. “Yes, but this moment made you shine like the sun. You blinded me, Kai.”
“So, what now? We kiss?”
“I think that’s how it works. You know, kiss and make up.”
“Funny, because I don’t remember Dr. Burdough saying that.
Although with all the homework she gives, I could have missed it.
” Kai groaned and fell back into the sand, his arms behind his head.
Zayden joined him. “You know, I really was going to leave and try it alone. I had it all planned. Buy a bachelor pad in the city, launch my solo career, take over the world and settle down on my own with a nice girl I wouldn’t have to share.
And best of all, I was never going to have to see your stupid face again. ”
Zayden’s heart sank deep inside him, and the taste in his mouth became bitter and cold. “I know,” he choked. “I had been working with Maddox to figure out how to smoothly disband so that your career wouldn’t be impacted negatively.”
“I—what? Seriously?”
“You’re a great artist, Kai. I wanted to see you succeed.”
“Even though I hated you?”
“That didn’t matter,” Zayden whispered. “I fucked everything up. You wanting to leave the pack was well earned, but you’re still my brother.
All of you. So even if I had to watch you all succeed from afar, I was prepared to do so and support behind the scenes.
That was my plan. To continue doing everything in my power to make sure all of you got the lives you deserved, even if it meant without me. ”
The moment the pack decided they’d try for one more year, Zayden set up three different trust funds.
Although his boys were financially secure on their own, he wanted to ensure that if anything happened or needed to be done, Zayden could do it for them.
Even in secret. Every paycheck Zayden received each month since then; more than half went to them.
Maddox was in on it, too. Despite being their manager, Maddox had also become Zayden’s friend and confidante.
When everything came to a head, Zayden had wandered over to his home and, after a few drinks, Maddox had asked him what he wanted.
The only things that mattered to him were Felix, Kai, and Jude.
The need to protect his pack was deeply embedded in him, and his alpha was not going to give up on taking care of them that easily.
Maddox pitied Zayden, but he also helped him with planning how to take care of his boys after they were no longer his.
When he turned his head, Kai was looking at him with wide, guilty eyes, glassed over. “Don’t cry. It’ll ruin what’s left of your bad boy image.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“What was there to say? I had failed.”
“No. You gave up.” Kai’s eyes narrowed; his voice tinged with that still unforgiving resentment. “I wanted you to say something. I wanted you to fight for me.”
Zayden scoffed. “Now you sound like a scorned ex-wife.”
Kai smiled, but the words hung in the air. “I was scorned,” he said finally. “I wanted you to grovel. I wanted you to beg and try like your life depended on it.”
“But you were walking away—”
“Because you walked out of our pack first! For fucks sake…” Kai rubbed his hands over his face and mumbled a few profanities under his breath.
“You left first. I felt it. I felt you pull away before Juliana, and then it kept getting worse, and then you were gone. I didn’t even recognize you anymore, so I thought…
fuck. I thought if all of us threatened to leave, maybe it’d wake you up.
I didn’t want to leave at first. But when the deal was first brought up, and I was watching you, you didn’t even react.
You just accepted it. Why? Why did you stop caring? ”
Why did we stop caring?
Was it really before Juliana that Zayden began to break?
He remembered being at Kai’s mom’s funeral, all of them dressed in black, the only ones bothered enough to gather around her grave to say goodbye. That was two years ago, and—
Zayden frowned.
He remembered their faces. All of them, lost in their grief, Kai almost lost to his, and the only way to pull them out of it was a promise; a mate.
Dr. Burdough had asked what made a pack as young as theirs so desperate to find their omega that the desperation almost ruined them all.
At first, Zayden didn’t have a good answer, but now it was all starting to make sense.
A mate was a thread to life, a reminder they had so much more to work towards, to look forward to.
Promising that connection was how Zayden was able to protect them all from their grief, depression, and spiraling emotions.
But when he was unable to fulfill that promise, everything began slipping into darkness, and it was taking him with it.
Zayden didn’t stop caring. He was consumed by it, and he allowed it to eat him alive.
“To protect myself,” he finally answered, pressing his palm over his aching chest and pushing hard. “To protect you. Them. That’s all I’ve ever wanted as lead alpha, and when I felt myself failing the very thing I was born to do, I thought maybe you’d all be safer without me.”
Silence stretched between them, and Zayden became uncertain if his words held any comfort or any meaning.
Kai sat up abruptly. “Well. I’m glad that we’re not without you.”
He patted Zayden on the shoulder before helping him to his feet. They both walked back to the group on the picnic blanket while the others stared at them cautiously.
No one said anything, but the atmosphere between them all was lighter than it had been. Happier.
Everything was finally falling back into place. Zayden was ready to face tomorrow and complete their last sessions with Dr. Burdough. He was ready to go home with the entirety of his pack and follow through with healing from their wounds, bonding with Sonnet, and forging a better future together.