Chapter 52
It had been an entire week since Sonnet found out her birth mother was dead, but time had felt different.
Some hours stretched on, and others sped up.
Nothing made sense, and nothing felt right, but everything hurt.
She walked around with a pain in her chest that was unidentifiable and lingered like a splinter.
Sonnet was grateful for her pack, her family, and her omega.
She knew her grief wasn’t easy for everyone else to handle, but she appreciated how patient and supportive they all were.
She was even more grateful that Felix had called Mom and Summer to come over.
Since they had, and since sleeping in her nest with her mates, it felt a bit easier to get up in the morning, shower, and eat.
Today, her mates had to take care of some business, and despite her attempt to stay home, they brought her to her mom and dad’s house instead.
She didn’t think the change of scenery was going to do her any better, but she was wrong.
Being back home breathed a bit of life back into her, even if it still stung to inhale and exhale.
She was in the kitchen, helping Chef Anna peel some potatoes, something she used to do as a child.
Anna had been working for her family for so many years that, when she was struggling, they moved her into the pool house for three years until she was ready to get her own place again.
She also made the best potato salad in the entire world, which was exactly what she was making tonight for the BBQ her family was hosting.
Sonnet didn’t think the first time her pack and her family shared a meal together would be under circumstances like this. Still, at least Sonnet could rely on everyone being on their best behavior for her sake.
She wasn’t sure about Dad, though. He had been quiet and distant since she got to their house, spending his entire afternoon in the backyard reading a book and throwing different things for Goose, trying to teach her puppy how to play fetch.
“Careful,” Anna scolded when Sonnet pulled the knife too close to her thumb. “How many more times am I going to have to teach you how to do this?”
“Probably all my life,” Sonnet laughed.
Anna rolled her eyes, unamused.
Sonnet watched her drop the boiled eggs into an ice bath, and suddenly it hit Sonnet how many women in her life lifted her up and made her the woman she was today.
She didn’t just have a mother and a mom.
She had so many powerful figures in her life with such widely different personalities and beliefs.
Yet, they’ve all managed to treat Sonnet with the same love most children don’t get.
I don’t want my mother to be remembered for what she did wrong, Sonnet suddenly thought, remembering the horrible tabloid article she accidentally read this morning before Zayden took it from her.
Trouble Boy Band Now Affiliated with the Daughter of a Paid Whore
Sonnet flinched.
Strangers can’t remember a woman they didn’t know. Only you can, and she wasn’t a whore. Mother had faults. She did things wrong, but there was one thing she did right. She loved us. I remember. I remember holding on to all that love, just like I held on to everything else.
All these memories I haven’t had for so long. It’s so hard to have them now that she’s gone.
I’m sorry that having your connection open to me also means opening the floodgates to all those memories. Thank you for not shutting me out. Thank you for letting me help.
Thank you for being the best part of me.
Sonnet smiled before quickly wincing as she drew the knife too close and cut herself.
Anna threw up her hands. “Ah! Impossible! Every time you do this.” She took away the knife and the rest of the potatoes, scolding her as she ran her finger under the sink.
“It was just a shallow cut. I’m okay.”
“And what if you weren’t? What if you had cut off your entire thumb?”
“Gross.”
Heels clicked on the floor. Mom glided in as beautiful as always, wearing a beige turtleneck and wide-leg beige trousers, paired with simple gold jewelry, a black bag, her dark sunglasses, and her hair pulled into a perfect slick back bun.
She pulled off her sunglasses and smiled, her white teeth brightened up the whole room.
“Hurt yourself again, darling?”
Sonnet smiled softly. “Yes. How was your brunch date?”
“Perfect. The ladies have all decided on a tea-time charity event for next month. Ah, where’s your father?”
“Outside with Goose.”
Mom raised her eyebrows. Growing up, Dad always put his foot down when it came to animals.
It was because Dad never recovered after putting down his childhood dog and never wanted to go through that for another pet again.
But it was clear he had already made a bond with Goose, who wouldn’t leave him alone.
“Anna, has Patrick received his tea yet?”
“No, ma’am. He’s been out there all morning, and I haven’t had a chance to take it to him.”
“No need. Have Sonnet do it while I get changed into something more comfortable.”
Sonnet opened her mouth to object, but Mom had already walked out of the kitchen, and Anna was handing her dad’s favorite mug.
Anna gave Sonnet a get to it look and ushered her out the door.
Sonnet sat down beside Dad on a bench under the willow tree and handed him the mug. “What kind of tea does Mom have you drinking now?”
He sighed. “Valerian root, I believe.” He took a long sip and frowned. “I really miss my Americanos and whiskey. Forty-eight isn’t old, you know. It isn’t old at all. Oh, God.” Dad covered his face with one hand, sobbing into it.
Had Sonnet ever seen Dad cry before?
Goose waddled over, dropping a slobbery stick at his feet and whined. He was trying to comfort him, something Sonnet didn’t know how to do.
“Dad...?”
“Ah, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me.
” Dad patted Goose on the head before throwing him his stick.
His face was wet and tired and wrinkled.
He looked like he hadn’t slept. “I keep sitting out here every day thinking about everything I’ve done to you, to Summer, to my wife.
Forty-eight isn’t very old, and yet I’ve already done so much damage to everyone I love. ”
“No, Dad. Don’t talk like that to me. You haven’t hurt me in any way.”
“I haven’t been a father to you,” he said firmly, looking at her more than he had in the past decade. “I was ashamed. Ashamed by the way you were brought into this world.”
Oh.
Sonnet smiled painfully and looked down towards her bare feet at the nail polish chipping away. “I’m sorry that I had to be a reminder of your shame.”
“No. No, dammit. That’s not what I meant.
I…” Dad cursed under his breath. “I’ve had to come to terms with what I did a long time ago, and I am so grateful to have a wife who forgave me, supported me, and loved me in spite of it.
But the shame of how I treated you is what I can’t live down.
You were brought into this world unknown to me.
If I had been there, maybe things would be different for you and your mother. ”
All these years, she had never heard her dad express these things, much less mentioning her mother. This whole time, she had believed it was because of the shame he carried for having an affair in the first place and then having to raise a living reminder of it.
“But you just said it,” Sonnet whispered. “I was unknown to you.”
“Yes,” he choked. “And yet, I still accept the blame. Your mother was a strong, stubborn woman. She never would have reached out to me. I should have known something, should have felt it, should have reached out instead of pretending she and I never met.”
“You never talk about her.”
“I never wanted her to be known or remembered as just a woman I paid for, or just a whore, so I never bothered to say her name at all in hopes of keeping it safe. I wanted your mother to be safe for you.”
Sonnet rubbed her chest as her heart started to ache.
“All those articles being written about her…it hurts. All these people who didn’t even know her are writing about her as if they did.
And the worst part is that she’s not even here to defend herself.
My mother is gone.” Her voice cracked as different headlines flashed into her mind.
“She wasn’t just a whore. I know my childhood with her was questionable.
I know I saw things I shouldn’t have. But my mother wasn’t just a whore, but now they’re all writing about her like she was. ”
There was a beat of silence before Dad grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “Perhaps you should publish your own article about her.”
“What?”
“Summer could help you write it, and I’m sure one of your mates knows someone who’d be willing to publish it. You’re right, Sonnet. Your mother deserves a whole lot more than what she got, and so do you.”
It wasn’t a terrible idea. Zayden had been working hard to tear down every article about her mother, but Sonnet knew they would never stop. What if writing the truth as she knew it was the only way to settle things once and for all, and to regain control of her own story and her grief?
What if an article wasn’t enough? Many women around the world were choosing the same path as her mother.
Her mother deserved so much better, but she is gone now.
All that was left were the other mothers and daughters and women trying to survive, live well, live happily, and love their children and themselves.
“Who knows,” Sonnet finally whispered. “Maybe an article will turn into a book.”
“I like that. In fact, one of your mom’s friends owns a publishing company. In fact, who knows? Maybe this article-turned-book will become a new non-profit project for your mom. You know Katherine loves nothing more than hosting charities and having a passion project.”
“Yes, but a non-profit centered around sex work and exploitation? I’m not so sure her brunch friends would approve.”
Dad shrugged, taking a long swig of his tea. “She needs better friends, then. Because if I know my wife like I think I do, she’d jump on this the moment you say the word and there would be no stopping her. You should think about it after you publish that book of yours.”
“Publish?” Sonnet shook her head. She never enjoyed writing before or talking about herself and her childhood.
What do you think?
I think Dad is right. I think this is the best thing for us.
Really? All this time I’ve spent not talking about all these taboo things to keep Mother safe. Am I supposed to just throw it all out the window now?
Look outside, Sonnet. The glass is already broken. Might as well take advantage of the situation and make something good out of all this mess.
Something good, huh?
Sonnet guessed it was time for her to have a purpose in life. Sure, owning a doggy daycare was at the top of her career dreams, but what about life's purpose? This could be it. Something good, just like her omega said.
“Maybe I will. And if I did, could I count on you to help me?”
Dad smiled. “Of course. I’ll help you through the publication process however you need.”
“No, I mean with writing it.”
“Oh, I don’t write. That’s more up your mom’s alley and Summer's.”
Sonnet sighed. “I don’t mean to write it for me. I want to know if you’ll talk about my mother with me. You knew her for a little while, and I want to hear about it. You’ve never talked about her before. I just want to know you will.”
Dad rubbed his face as he thought long and hard about Sonnet’s request. “I only met her three times,” he whispered.
“Those first two times, I just wanted someone to talk to, so that’s what we did.
Talking with your mother was like magic, to the point I almost forgot I was paying for the conversation.
I, uh… I’m sorry I never talked about her before, but you can count on me now.
I’m going to learn to step up and be a better father. ”
“I already think you’re a pretty awesome Dad.”
He perked up a bit. “Yeah?”
“Well, not every dad would let Summer and I get away with going to a secret high school party.”
Dad looked around, as if making sure no one could hear. “Yes, well, that’s still a secret. Your mom would kill me if she found out, and I only let the two of you get away with it because I knew you’d keep each other safe. Plus, I sent someone to stay nearby and keep an eye on you two.”
“You did? Who?”
“Anna.”
Sonnet laughed, picturing Anna wearing all black, hiding in her car with binoculars to make sure she and her sister were behaving and safe.
The pain in her chest was still constant and lingering, but peace settled on her shoulders.
She was able to inhale and exhale with a bit more ease, and there was hope inside her now.
Hope that this grief will become tolerable, and that the future will only hold more blessings and opportunities and love. Lots of love.