Chapter 51
I called my mom today. Just to hear her voice. And I just ended up crying because I love Sonnet so much and none of this is fair or kind.
Jude had been cuddled up with Sonnet since she finished her bath.
Much to her scary sister’s dismay, Summer left and allowed Jude to do his job as her alpha.
He held her in his arms, calmed her with his scent, and she fell asleep to the sound and vibrations of his purr.
Neither of them slept for very long, but when Jude woke up again, Sonnet wasn’t beside him.
Jude walked softly towards the entrance of her nesting room, where she stood in the soft moonlight from her stained-glass window. Her nest, which she had put together not that long ago with her sister and best friend, was now a complete mess.
“Baby?”
“It’s not right,” she sniffled. “It’s not right.”
“Okay.”
Jude stepped into the room and began bundling things into his arms. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he hated doing nothing.
Sonnet sniffled again before finally joining him.
She allowed him to move everything before carefully rearranging things and rearranging them again.
Jude didn’t judge or sigh or scold her. He didn’t rub his tired eyes or yawn or sit down.
From midnight to 2:00 am, he was on his feet, moving everything around, until finally Sonnet paused, stepped back, and sighed.
“Okay. Okay. I think it’s okay. Do you like it?”
Jude loved it. The space was colorful, warm, and cozy. If he could see Sonnet’s soul, he’d think it would look a lot like this room.
“I love it, baby.” He nuzzled her neck. “Can we go back to bed now? You need to sleep.”
“Here. Let’s sleep here.”
“You’d let me sleep with you in your nest?” Jude’s heart skipped a beat. An omega’s nest was sacred. It was already an honor to be in this room without being bonded, but to sleep in her space was an honor of another kind.
Sonnet clearly would take no objections as she glared at him before snuggling down into her nest. A deep, half-circle mattress was wedged down into the floor, and they both sank into it.
“I can’t believe my mother is dead,” Sonnet whispered.
Jude’s throat was thick with words he didn’t think would help. Unlike his other packmates, Jude had a wonderful, big, healthy family. He had his mother, fathers, and siblings, and everyone loved everyone. He didn’t know what it was like to lose a parent; much less abandoned by one.
“I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Juliana was cruel.”
“If Juliana hadn’t told me, I don’t think I’d ever know. I’m almost thankful.”
Sonnet shifted in his lap before she was straddling him. This was the first time in days that she looked awake and alive. Her mind was clearly turning. It was mesmerizing and haunting.
“Can I tell you something?”
“Of course you can.”
Sonnet tugged on her bottom lip, her eyes far away.
“There’s a lot I don’t remember about being with my birth mother.
I think a lot of my childhood was a lot sadder than I thought because I’ve tried really hard to forget.
So hard that until recently, I let my omega take on the burden of remembering for me, and I shut her out with those memories.
I didn’t talk to her or know her, but she knew everything. I’m a terrible omega.”
“No,” Jude rushed, squeezing her hips and tilting her chin to look towards him.
“I don’t know a lot about trauma, but that’s what that was for you, Sonnet.
I think it’s very brave, and I think you’re very strong.
Because if you’re not, then neither could your omega have been, but she clearly is for being willing to hold on to what you couldn’t at the time. ”
A tear slipped down her face. “It’s terrible.
Everything I’ve done. My mother said omegas were useless whores.
I wish I could have loved myself sooner.
I wish I could have shown her that she could have loved herself, too.
Now there’s no time. My mother’s dead, and she died hating herself, and she would have died hating me, too, if she had known. ”
“Is that what you’ve been thinking this whole time? That your mother died hating you?”
“I’m an omega! I’ve become the very thing she didn’t want for me!”
Jude couldn’t believe it. This whole time, Sonnet wasn’t just grieving her mother but allowing herself to drown in self-hatred. This whole time, they had been with Sonnet, yet they had only scratched the very small surface of who she was and what she thought.
“Your mother would have loved you. She would have loved who you became.”
“I’m never going to know that! Not for sure.
My mother,” her voice was cracking, “loved me so much and so well. I could always count on her love. Maybe not other things, but I could on her love. I know that because deep down I understand she was only able to give me away because of how much she loved me. And what have I done in return? I became the very thing she hated, and I just feel like I can’t move on from that.
I don’t know how to move on from that, and I’m punishing my omega for it all over again. ”
After five minutes of silence, letting Sonnet’s heavy words feel a bit lighter, Jude offered a warm smile. “Have you talked to your omega since the party?”
“No. I’ve been shutting her out.”
“I think you should let her in. You’re in your nest and my arms. You’re safe. Now’s a perfect time.”
Sonnet frowned, but there was a glint in her eyes. She was somewhere else, talking to someone else. After a few minutes, Jude got curious.
“What’s she saying?”
“That you’re right,” she grinned. “That she forgives me, and I should forgive myself and my mother. And that, above all, my mother would have loved us because we made a good life, unlike the one she thought she had to live.”
“I think your omega is awesome.”
She rolled her eyes, a teasing smile on her lips.
It was nice to see her like this. Jude had missed her smile and wasn’t sure when he was going to see it again.
“She is pretty awesome,” she finally whispered and snuggled back into his chest.
“So are you. The awesomest.”
“You’re the awesomest.”
“What about us?” Kai asked, with Felix and Zayden all standing hesitantly at the entrance to the nest, not daring to cross the threshold without first being asked.
Sonnet turned her head towards them and hummed. “I guess you’re all awesome too.” She held out her arms. “Come cuddle with us.”
The three of them don’t waste any time. Zayden and Felix bundled up on one side of her while Kai cuddled close on the other side. Jude flashed his brightest smile at him.
“Aw, are you playing footsies with me, Kai?”
He elbowed him in the side instantly, making Sonnet giggle.
The sound was comforting, like music to Jude’s ears. It didn’t take long for all of them to fall asleep together once again, in Sonnet’s nest, prepared to take on her grief however she needed.