Chapter 28
Chapter
Twenty-Eight
Back in my room early that evening, I changed into an outfit for training then made my way to the arena. I had a feeling that a certain soldier would be there. If not now, then within due course.
Later it was. The arena was completely empty.
I tossed my bag to the mat, then pulled a mannequin free from the storage room. I put it in the center of the mat, then spent the next half hour beating the absolute shit out of it. I had a lot of pent up energy to dispose of.
When the dummy had enough of my fist, I gave it a taste of my dagger. I ignored the blood dripping from my torn knuckles and finished my opponent off with a rather large dosage of starlight, leaving a pile of ash on the mat.
“Pretending that it's Bitchmont again?”
I spun on my heel, my already increased heart rate jumping straight to tachycardic. “Always.”
Sebastian stepped further into the arena, halting at the edge of the mat. He pointed at my hands. “You should wear gloves if you're going to go hard like that.”
I rubbed my knuckles, smearing the blood with my fingers. “Next time.” I shrugged.
A dark curl teased the corner of his eye. He ran a hand through his hair, pushing it out of his face and flaunting his bicep all at once. Then without another word, he turned and left the way he came.
I was surprised he even spoke to me, but I still cursed under my breath at his exit.
Determining I’d try again another time, I made back for the storage room to get a broom to clean up the mess of stardust. When I returned to the mat, I found Sebastian had rejoined the arena.
He walked straight for me, holding a spool of bandages. “Give me your hands,” he ordered.
“I’m fine, it’s—”
He grabbed my wrist, pulling me a few paces forward. “Stubborn,” he growled under his breath.
“I can do it,” I said when he started wrapping the bandage around one of my swollen hands.
“It will be quicker and tighter if I do it,” he answered, not giving me an ounce of eye contact.
I could smell him—his scent was one that I hadn't even realized I'd been missing, and holy hell, it broke my heart.
“Why are you being nice to me?” I asked, genuinely curious, but also trying to segue into my long-winded, overdue apology speech.
“I’m not being nice. You're just staining the mat,” he said impassively.
I frowned, taken aback. “Oh.”
He finished both hands then set me free without so much as even a small glance at my face.
Avoidance. A tactic I knew well.
Sebastian bent down to tighten the laces of his boots. “Are you almost done here? I’m going to do some sparring with Kohen in a few. If not, I’ll come back later when you're gone.”
Ouch. Understandable, but still. Ouch.
I cleared the congestion in my esophagus. “Um. Yeah. I just have to finish cleaning up.”
I picked the broom back up, sweeping my dead mannequin into the dustpan.
Come on, Maeve. Say something. Don’t wimp out now.
I emptied the stardust into the trash, then returned the broom to the storage room, where I took a few calming breaths and gathered my thoughts. I could do this. I had to do this. I owed him at least that much, regardless of the outcome.
Putting my head down I started out of the room, only to be stopped by a hard, rigid chest.
“Fuck,” I swore, jumping back a few paces. “Sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Clearly,” Sebastian hissed, his tone very reminiscent of when we had first met.
He side-stepped past me, stopping in front of the wall of training swords.
My anxiety placed its cruel cage around my lungs, but I powered through. I stormed for the door, shutting it behind me and then pressing my back against it, where I stayed and crossed my arms over my chest.
“We need to talk. And no one is leaving this room until we do,” I pressed, my voice as stern as it allowed.
Sebastian's head turned painfully slowly towards me. He raised and widened his eyes. “Are you trying to give me an order?”
I pointed my chin up, one brow arching and one falling. “Yes?”
A hardy scoff pooled from his nostrils when he took a step towards me. Just one. “A word of advice. When you're giving someone orders, especially your superior, don't sound so unsure. Confidence is vital when giving a command.”
“You're not my superior anymore,” I replied.
Sebastian, cockily, shrugged a shoulder. “I kind of am.”
This time, I took a step towards him. “You stopped being my superior when we started sleeping together.”
He chuckled, fighting an eye roll. “Well, we aren't sleeping together anymore now, are we? And if you're going by that logic, then tell me, how did Sawyer react when you told him that he wasn’t your superior? Guy is on a much larger power trip than me.”
My jaw ticked, but I held my composure. “I didn’t sleep with Sawyer.”
Sebastian clenched his fists, his knuckles paling from their lack of blood flow. “You know, for someone who has given me hell for weeks about lying, you sure are a hypocrite.”
Keep your cool, Maeve.
“I didn’t. You can choose to believe me or not, that's on you. But please, let me explain—”
He held a palm up to stop me. “There's nothing to explain. We aren't together. You can fuck whoever you want. I’d prefer it wasn’t my best friend, but it's too late for that, obviously,” he snarled.
Keep. Your. Cool.
“I didn’t sleep with him. Do you really think I would do that to you?”
“Well I didn’t think you would kiss him, so I don’t know what lies on your lists of dos and don’ts anymore.”
Fair enough. I deserved that.
“Wait. Why do you think I slept with him?” My brow arched.
He was quiet for a moment before he reluctantly answered. “Kade said—”
I held a palm out to silence him. “Woah. Do not tell me you let Kade get in your head.”
He ran a hand down the back of his neck, letting it linger on his upper spine. “He said when he was in the arena with Kohen and I—after you told me—and I quote, by the cocky look on Sinclair’s face when he came back to the party, I would bet money that they screwed.”
Kade was nothing if he wasn’t an antagonizer. “And you believed him? Come on, Seb, you know me better than that.”
He shrugged. “I thought I did.”
I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath, rounding my lips out to release the air.
I walked towards him, stopping when I was close enough to hear his breathing.
“At my party, when you and me were talking like we used to, it just reminded me of everything we had lost. And then I saw Pia and Kohen together so happy, and it just broke me because I missed that connection with you.” I paused, taking a moment to breathe.
“I don’t think it was until that moment that I truly realized how much I missed you. ”
“So where in this story do you kiss him? Because right now, it’s kind of sounding like you decided you wanted to be with me, but then kissed him instead. Am I on to something here?” he growled.
“No. Well. Kind of. Yes. Anyways, Sawyer came to check on me after I left and—” Gods, I hated this. “I had convinced myself that I couldn't have you. That we couldn't be together…sound familiar?”
His jaw ticked as he undoubtedly recalled how he himself had acted with me last winter.
“I had just told myself that I needed to move on when he came to see me. We hugged and when I pulled back, he kissed me and I—” This was the hardest part of this horrific truth to share. “And I didn’t stop him. Not right away at least.”
Sebastian's face fell into a deep scowl. “If you’re locking me in this room just to tell me how my best friend touched you, than you are exposing me to a brand new form of torture that I’d rather be dead than endure.”
That comment made me nauseous. “That’s not what I’m doing. I just want to explain—”
“Wait.” I could see his brain working. “Did this happen more than once? How many times were his hands all over your body?”
“His hands weren’t all over my body.”
“Okay. His mouth then,” he deadpanned.
I cringed.
“Just that once. I swear to all of the gods.”
I almost wished Venay was alive so she could prove the integrity of my words to him.
When he didn’t continue speaking, I did. “Nothing else happened, and it was never going to.”
Sebastian scoffed, letting his tongue linger on the roof of his mouth as his eyes met the veil once more. “Wonderful. Well, thanks for sharing, Maeve. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have even more anger to work off.”
He tried to move past me, but I jumped in front of him.
“No. I’m not done,” I pleaded.
“That’s too bad, Maeve. Because I am. Move.”
“No.” My voice cracked and my nose started to burn.
He shoved by me, and I cried out for him.
“Sebastian, please! I’m sorry.” My tears began to pour out of me, splattering onto the floor.
“I’m sorry that it took all of this for me to realize that I still want you.
That I still need you. I’m sorry that I can’t get out of my own head and that I make stupid, rash, impulsive decisions.
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that it took me so long to get out of my own way—our way. ”
He froze before the door.
“There is nothing I can say to excuse this. I know that. I have done nothing worthy of having you back in my life, and in truth, I don’t deserve you back anyways, but—”
He looked over his shoulder, his hand falling static on the doorknob.
“I love you,” I sobbed, salty tears trying to drown me. “I never stopped loving you.”
“Did it mean anything to you? When you and Sawyer…” he cut his own interrogation short without bothering to look at me.
“No. Sawyer and me have never been anything more than friends. I love you, Seb. Only you. You are the one single person in this world that I can and will ever possibly love.”
He almost turned around, and for a split second, I thought he was going to. I prayed he would come gather me in his arms and kiss me like none of this shit between us ever happened.
But he didn't.
With a flick of his wrist, he ripped the door open and left.