Chapter 34
Chapter
Thirty-Four
Iwas drunk.
And it was a good thing. I needed to get out of my own head. I needed an escape. Healthy coping mechanism? No. I was out of practice when it came to those. At the moment though, I didn’t have it in me to care.
Pia was stone cold sober. Also a good thing. Someone needed to be rational right now, and that someone was obviously not me.
“Why would he say that to me?” I mumbled, my head resting on her lap, a nearly empty bottle of wine dangling loosely in my hand.
“I mean, technically he didn’t say anything. You're just assuming,” she pointed out.
I held the bottle out to her in an offering, but she declined with a shake of her head.
After finishing off the last drops, I laid the bottle down and threw my arms up in the air, twiddling my fingers around in circles and squiggles. “I’m not assuming anything. He was going to say that he has feelings for me. I know it.”
Pia fiddled with my hair, twisting a small section into a loose braid. “Maeve, I mean no ill will here, but what did you think was going to happen after you kissed him back? He obviously had feelings for you before that.”
“Maybe not,” I countered, though his words from Caelestis pounded against my brain.
Pia pushed me upright, her expression turning stern. “Um. Not just maybe. He most certainly has had feelings for you for a while. Anyone with eyes can tell that he has feelings for you. And more than just I want to sleep with her feelings. Real feelings.”
I felt horrible. I dug this hole that I was scrambling to get out of. I should have known better than to believe things could actually return to the way they were. I was stupid to ever think that they could.
Pia shrugged then said, “Did you ever consider it? Like, what if Sawyer had been your guard instead of Seb?”
My face scrunched, recalling my incredibly detailed three way dream. “No.”
“Oh come on. Yes you have.”
I stuttered, trying to come up with a lie.
“Out with it.”
With a groan, I outed myself. “I thought about it, but just out of pure curiosity when I was still angry with Seb. And I did maybe have a pretty intense sex dream involving him, Seb, and me.” My entire body burned with embarrassed heat.
“It was the night I fell asleep in Sawyer's room, but I think it was just my subconscious trying to ignore the fact that I missed Sebastian.”
Pia fought back a crazed smile. “Well, I mean, Sawyer’s hot.” She shrugged innocently. “I don’t know. Talk to Seb. Maybe you can have them both.”
I scoffed. “First of all, what did I say that made you assume I wanted that?
And second of all, that just might be the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth.
And that's saying something—because last week you asked me if Sebastian was still a prince now that Caelestis has been destroyed.”
She jumped to her feet and put her hands on her hips. “Hey! That is a valid question.”
I matched her pose. “Is it? Just because the castle is gone doesn’t mean the royal bloodline just vanishes!”
She dropped her arms and scowled at me. “You're sassy when you're drunk.”
I fell to my butt on the bed, dropping my head into my hands. “I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do.”
She sat beside me, rubbing her tiny palm across my back. “There's a reason why they say unrequited love is one of the most powerful emotions.”
“Who says that?” I questioned, looking up enough to arch a brow.
“I dunno. I heard it once and it stuck. But anyways, it's true and relevant in this situation. It’s almost like a match. It starts by burning itself but isn’t invincible from setting other things ablaze.”
“What does the match have to do with anything? Who’s the match and who’s the other thing that’s burning? That makes no sense.” My face contorted.
“I dunno. It was part of the unrequited love thing. I think I got some of it wrong. Just roll with it. The point is that you don’t love him back and you feel bad about it,” Pia rambled.
“I do love him. Just not in the same way that he loves me.”
“He loves you in the way that you love Sebastian.”
“Exactly.” I pulled my face from my hands and nodded. “Was that supposed to make me feel better?”
She shrugged. “I guess not. My idea about having both of them was supposed to help, but that backfired.”
I huffed a laugh, but my emotions quickly returned to being a sour taste in my mouth. “I hate that I’m hurting him.”
“Unfortunately, you can’t control that. Unless you decide to be with him instead of Seb, which I don’t foresee happening. Right?”
“Right,” I sighed, “I’ve already lost Sebastian once, and I would die before letting that happen again.” He was the one true love of my life and without a doubt the man I would die loving.
“If you want my advice, I think you need to let Sawyer get it off his chest before you guys can move on. Then maybe we can set him up with Leighton,” Pia suggested.
“I am so incredibly in love with Sebastian.” I needed to say it out loud, not that I could ever forget that.
“But you feel guilty for also not being in love with his best friend?" Pia added with a raised brow, glaring at me.
I began to stutter in defense, but she held a hand up to stop me. “You don’t need to feel guilty about that.”
I choked on my own tongue. “Deep down, I know that. But I made out with my boyfriend's best friend while we were broken up, and now, said best friend is trying to profess his feelings for me. How am I supposed to not feel guilty? I’m still completely shocked that Sebastian is even okay with what happened.” I leaned in to whisper even though no one else was in the room.
“He told me not even hours ago how I am his and his only.”
Pia put on a cocky grin, winking at me. “Nice.”
I rolled my eyes. “I shouldn't have ignored what Sawyer said to me in Caelestis.” My head fell into my hands. “I’m the worst.”
Pia’s pink manicured fingers caressed my shoulder. “You are not the worst. Not even close. We all do things we regret when emotions are high. That's a part of being mortal.”
“I guess,” I huffed out before rising to my feet. “On that depressing note, I’m leaving.” I made for the door, needing to get as far away from this conversation as possible.
“Maeve,” Pia called out for me. “What did Sawyer say to you in Caelestis?”
Coming to a halt, I turned my neck to see her strawberry hair as she brushed it over her shoulders. “It doesn’t matter now.”
She huffed a breath through her nose, but accepted my choice to not share that information. “Well if you want my advice, next time Sawyer tries to tell you, just let him. I’ve been in his position before, and it's brutal. The least you can do is let him say what he has to say, then move on.”
With the brass doorknob in my hand, I nodded, then pulled it open, revealing Kohen with his fist raised like he was about to knock.
“Kohen!” Pia screeched, stomping towards the door. “You ass! Were you eavesdropping?”
He scratched his head. “Yeah, and I wish I wasn’t after hearing what you two were talking about.” He turned to me. “A word of advice, don't listen to her.” He pointed at Pia. “If she ever asked me to screw another guy, they’d both be dead.”
“I definitely don’t plan on taking her up on that suggestion.”
Pia crossed her arms, huffing a breath as she tapped her bare foot in Kohen's direction. “I can't believe you.”
“Why? This is my room, too, and you two have been shut in here for an hour!” he answered, striding right past me and stopping in front of her.
“How long were you out there?” she questioned him, rising on her tiptoes to get in his face.
“Long enough to hear you call Sawyer hot,” he scoffed.
Her mouth clamped shut, though it fought back a testing smirk.
While the two of them were busy bickering, I let myself out and shuffled down the hall, almost considering returning to the arena to see if Sawyer was still there, but deciding against it.
After a slightly discombobulated walk, I made it back to my room. I was surprised to see that Sebastian was awake and sitting in the armchair, his glasses on the bridge of his nose, which was hiding behind the book we were looking at before I left.
He looked up when he heard me, his smile immediately fading when he saw the glum look on my face.
He slammed the book shut, laying it on the arm of the chair. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I bent over to remove my boots, working my drunken fingers to try and undo the damn laces.
“Maeve, I don’t know if you know this, but you're a horrible liar.”
I grunted and stumbled trying to pull the first boot off. I narrowly caught my footing, then started working on the other side.
“Did you train so hard that you can no longer stand properly?” Sebastian chuckled.
“No,” I grumbled, tossing my boot aside then kicking the other one so it followed.
Without another word, I showed myself to the washroom. I lifted my shirt to my nose, deciding it smelt too much like wine to continue wearing, then taking it off and tossing it on the edge of the washbasin.
I washed my hands and retied my hair back into a half-assed braid, then reemerged from the washroom in my bra. I stumbled a little over the transitional wood separating the two rooms, but caught myself after a brief hesitation to comprehend what had even happened.
I felt Sebastian's gaze settle heavily on me. It turned out it was because he was hovering right over me. I straightened my posture to look into the raised eyebrow that peered through the lens of his glasses.
“Are you drunk?” he asked, his tone mildly accusatory with a hint of entertainment.
I shook my head more vigorously than a sober person would. “Nope.”
He leaned forward, putting his lips to mine, sucking them into a teasing kiss. “You taste like wine,” he whispered as he pulled away.
My shoulders shrugged as I tried to walk past him, but he put his hands around my upper arms, halting my motions.
“I thought you were training with Sawyer?”
I groaned at that name. “I was, and then I wasn’t.
Then I went and drank wine.” My words slurred as they left my lips, giving me away in tune with my confession.
“Speaking of Sawyer, I’m gonna need you two to make up.
Because the thought that you hate each other because of me—” A bubble of wine burst in my throat. “Makes me…sad.”
Extra sad now that I knew—scratch that—assumed he had feelings for me.
“I don’t hate him.”
“Oh…good.”
Unable to look into his brilliant blue eyes, I closed mine, succumbing to the spinning sensation that came with over-drinking. I was tired. So, so tired.
Wavering where I stood, Sebastian scooped me up and carried me to our bed. He settled me down then laid on his side next to me, pulling me into the crook of his arm.
He ran his fingers through my hair, tucking the stray strands behind my ear. “What happened with Sawyer? Why did you go drinking instead of training?” he asked softly as to not disturb my drunken peace of mind.
I puckered my lips. “Are you mad?”
“I’m not mad at all.” Sebastian chuckled softly. “I am just wondering why your plans changed all of a sudden.”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
I sighed, bubbling the air through my lips.
“Maeve, we agreed to be completely honest and transparent with each other.”
I sighed again, even stronger this time. “I know, but can you just trust me on this? I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
I didn't have it in me to discuss the situation twice in one evening. Though I shouldn’t have, I felt horrible that I didn’t love Sawyer in the way he loved me. And I felt extra guilty for having kissed him back, especially while I laid next to the man that I did love.
Sebastian leaned forward to press a kiss on my head. “Of course, love.”
I fell asleep in his arms shortly after, only to be startled awake by our door swinging ajar.
Kohen stood in the open doorway, Pia close behind him. Both of them looked blatantly terrified, their eyes bulging. Pia’s hands visibly shaking.
She rummaged through my wardrobe, tossing me a sweater from the top drawer.
Kohen stepped in front of the bed. “Maeve, I hope you aren't as drunk as you were an hour ago, because we have a problem.”