13. Arrogance
I t was that transient time when night shifted into dawn. The witching hour. And even though my body was spent, my mind wouldn’t quiet. I found myself staring at the ceiling. A deep-seated fear manifested as a gnawing ache that wouldn’t go away, and I rubbed at my chest. I wasn’t entirely sure I liked the man I was becoming. Katherine deserved better than a depraved pirate hell-bent on revenge.
By some miracle, I’d found myself a woman who lived in the darkness with me. We were the same. Her line between pleasure and pain was just as blurred as mine. It petrified me to think that one day, I might take it too far.
Katherine was curled into my side. Her breathing was slow and rhythmic against my neck. She’d drifted off after I’d ravaged her in ways I wasn’t entirely proud of. I’d allowed my demon out to play. It was happening far too often, and I worried that I would lose control altogether.
The room, with all my mercurial thoughts, felt suffocating. I needed a breath. Maybe the endless sky was just big enough to let these wild thoughts free from my mind. I felt like I was on a collision course with my destiny, and I’d be damned if I let it destroy me while I lay there staring at the ceiling.
I untangled myself from Kat without waking her. Slowly rising from our bed and slinging my baldric over my bare chest. I didn’t bother to fully dress, but old habits ensured I’d never be unarmed.
Topside offered a much-needed reprieve. The cool breeze washed over me, cleansing me from my punishing thoughts. I let out a sigh. The nostalgic smell of salt filled my nostrils. The knot of tension in my chest eased, at least enough that I could pull in a deep breath. Despite my inner turmoil, the night was serene, with the light of a full moon setting the water alight in flickers of silver. At least now I could think clearly. I had to come up with a plan. A real, foolproof plan to settle this debt with Pan once and for all. It was time to move on. I had thought I wanted to revel in this, and maybe my demon still did. But I had to put this vendetta behind me. That’s what Katherine needed.
I fished into the pocket of my breeches and pulled out the ruby. I’d been trying to determine how to use it without damning the future I had. One evil deed would be revisited on me threefold. I couldn’t welcome that into our lives. But on the flip side, Katherine and I were only one thought away from leaving Neverland for good. We could find ourselves a pristine corner of the cosmos. But would I ever be happy with that? Knowing that Pan got away with everything?
“You’re not good enough for her.” This time it wasn’t the usual hollow voices in my head. It was a voice I knew all too well. Peter.
Fuck! I must have really been losing it if Pan’s voice had replaced the others. I balled my fists at my temples, pulling at my hair until pain tore through my scalp. Willing the voices to leave me be before I descended into complete madness.
The sound of boots landing on the floorboards behind me brought me back to reality. I whirled at the sound, so distracted that I didn’t even pull my sword. My nemesis stood solidly on the deck, for once facing me head-on.
Relief washed over me when I realized Peter was here in the flesh and not a delusion taking up residence in my mind.
“You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know,” I grumbled.
“I saw the things you did to her. Now I know I made the right decision to cut you out.” He spat at me; his face scrunched up in righteous indignation.
“So, it was you who was watching,” I said, putting the pieces together.
“You’re not a Lost Boy. You’re an animal.”
“No more than you. You lure boys to paradise with your false promises, and when they no longer serve your purpose, you dispose of them.”
“You’ve been away from Neverland for too long, Jas. You don’t know me anymore.”
“Oh, I know you. You’ve been cutting boys from your ranks for years now.”
“You don’t know anything.”
“I’ve seen them. Heard their stories. Do you remember Eli? He had people who loved him. A father. And you ended all of it.”
“He’s still here. If his father wants him, I bet he can find his bones moldering in the Viridianwood.”
My jaw clenched as his callous admission sunk in. He’d confirmed what I knew all along. Smee’s son was dead. “You’re a heartless little fuck, aren’t you? Do you have any virtue at all?”
“I don’t have time for those that break the rules!”
“Haven’t you noticed that they all break the rules?” I shouted at him. The thought of all those dead boys, knowing how easily it could have been me, whittled away the fragile hold I had on my temper. Peter’s lips set in a hard line; his brows drawn in a scowl. My words obviously penetrated the veiled memories that Neverland kept hidden from him. His jaw worked for a moment, but instead of responding to the accusations I laid at his feet, he attacked at my only weakness.
“Now I see why she came for me.”
“She came to finish you off, Peter. She did it for me. Because she loves me. And that’s something you’ve never known.”
“No, you have it all wrong, Jas. She is looking for a way out. And after what I just saw, I can’t leave her here with you. The Lost Boys and I can give her a better home.”
“You’ve truly lost your mind, Peter,” I said, the demon beginning to swell in my chest. My archenemy threatening to make off with my girl; now, that was a dangerous cocktail.
“She wants to be a mother. I saw it in her eyes.”
The idea of Katherine as a mother gutted me. Every man should want to bury his seed in the woman he loves and watch that love grow into a child. But I was broken. I could never be a father. I could never give her that. In a split second, the vision I had of my future with Kat felt like it might crumble in my hands.
“You don’t know anything about her,” I shot back at him, trying to sound confident, but the weight of my emotions stuck thick in my throat.
“I think I do, and I’m prepared to fight for her honor. A duel—winner gets the girl.”
I laughed at the notion. At first, it sounded absurd, but the laughter quickly shifted into a sinister chuckle. I reached into my pocket, palming the ruby, ready to set my intentions. “It’s about time, Peter.” The night was instantly charged with possibilities. “But I wish for this to be a fair fight. No flying, no backstabbing.”
“Winner gets the girl,” he reiterated and spit in his hand, ready to shake on the terms. What he didn’t know was that the power of the ruby had already sealed the deal. I’d never agree to give Katherine up, but I didn’t plan on losing. I got over myself enough to shake his hand in agreement. A split second later, all manner of niceties were off. I pulled my cutlass from its scabbard and secured the ruby back into my pocket.
I stepped left, and he mirrored me. His short sword glinting in the full moonlight. A distant rumble of thunder rolled across the sea. An ominous tolling as we marched toward our destiny.
He made the first move, coming at me with a direct swing of his blade. His arrogance showed as he thought he could dispatch me with rudimentary swordplay. The clink of steel kissing steel took on a rhythmic sound as we fought. Each of us gained and lost ground as we danced around the deck.
Peter was nimble, even when he wasn’t flying. His slight frame darted behind the masts and hurdled over barrels.
“Running from me, Pan?”
“Not running. I’m betting you wear out first so I can finish you off without dinging up my blade.” He flashed a devious smile at me, and I saw the excitement in his eyes. This was a game to him. I wished I had that kind of indifference. That my life hadn’t revolved around him when he’d all but forgotten about me. But tonight, I would make him feel all the years I suffered.
I watched his every move carefully, biding my time. Eventually, he’d take a wrong step, and I knew this ship like the back of my hand.
I had him right where I wanted. My cutlass was quick, cutting the ropes that held the mainsail with deadly grace. Like a dark premonition, the black banners of the Jolly Roger fell over him, pinning him to the deck. I pounced on his sprawling form, dragging him from the tangle of canvas, and wrapped my arm around his neck.
“Now, this is more like it. How does it feel, Pan? To be helpless?”
“You’re a bloody poor sport, mate," he managed to croak out. Still not taking any of this seriously.
“You owe me a life, goddamn you!”
He grunted in my arms, unable to get a word out now that I closed off his airway. A moment of panic set in, paralyzing me. How did I want to finish him off? Like this, where I smothered the life out of him? Or in a pool of blood, with him at the end of my blade? Ling chi? It was a ridiculous time to be contemplating killing methods. But it had to live up to all the years I dreamed of this.
In my momentary distraction, Pan managed to land a solid elbow in my gut. It was enough to loosen my grip, and the little fucker slipped out. He stumbled away from me, regaining his footing, and grabbing his sword. His breath heaved as he rubbed at the red marks on his neck. It was the first time that he had the decency to look afraid.
Thunder cracked, louder this time, and the skies opened. The torrent of rain coming down was as close as the boy would ever come to crying. My demon purred at the thought. The look of fear quickly melted from his eyes, his features contorting into a dark scowl. He made a move to fly, but it was useless, and he stumbled again. The power of the ruby holding firm.
“What the?—”
“Trying to cheat already? I knew I couldn’t trust you to be honorable.”
“What have you done to me?”
“Just making sure you’re playing by the rules. You do so love the rules, don’t you, Peter?”
The muscles in his jaw ticked, and the thunder crack that followed was deafening. He lunged for me, swinging his sword in one fluid movement. I pulled back a moment before his blade whizzed past my face. A smile crept into the corners of my mouth. I was finally getting to him.
The deck began to fill with onlookers. The last remnants of the Lost Boys he’d tried to dispose of. I wasn’t just fighting for myself. This was a battle for all of us.
I put everything I had into that fight. My calculating mind and muscle memory from years of fighting combined to forge me into a lethal weapon. When I pinned him against the mainmast, it was my opportunity to finish it. Our blades locked against one another. His strength pitted against mine, and he was no match for me. I pressed toward him until we were nose to nose, our swords crossed between us, quivering with the combined strain behind them.
“You tried to make me disappear,” I whispered, my eyes focusing on his. “Now your ghosts have returned to send you off to hell.”
“What have you become, Jas? It looks like the fires of hell burn in your eyes. It’s not me that’s damned.” Instead of fear at his imminent death, the boy looked resolved. Maybe he knew it was over. That his time had finally run out. With a twist of my cutlass, his hand gave out, and his blade clattered to the ground. Now, it was only Peter and the tip of my sword. I was giddy with a lifetime of anticipation, culminating in this very moment. No one would keep me from my vengeance. Not even the Divine.
“James, don’t! He’s just a boy.” Katherine’s voice cut through the rain. I had him in my grasp. My life was about to become my own again. But her words tore into my soul.
“She’ll never forgive you for this,” the voices hissed inside my head, and my sword faltered, hanging uselessly in my hand.
“Please, James. I love you. Don’t do this. Come away with me, and we’ll forget all about him,” she pleaded with me, but she was wrong. I would never forget what he did to me. I’d gone to great lengths to ensure that.
My gaze drifted from Pan as the weight of my next decision threatened to crush me. That moment of hesitation cost me everything.
In a flash, a rain-soaked Peter collided with my sword hand, sending me sprawling. My cutlass clattered to the deck while the ruby dislodged from my pocket and rolled in the opposite direction, leaving me completely unarmed. Pan lunged away from me, diving for his own sword. I was blinded by rage, and the emotion made me reckless. I gained my footing and barreled toward him just as his sword came down in a perfectly timed arc.
I felt the impact before the pain set in. I stumbled past him, my knees hitting the slick planks. Katherine’s scream sounded a million miles away as my eyes settled on the stump where my hand had been severed from my body. Instead of bright red, the blood that poured from the wound was a dark aubergine. I stared in disbelief, the contents of my stomach threatening to spill on the deck with my strange blood. What was happening to me? The edges of my vision grew dark. Shock, mixed with searing pain, created a potent cocktail that threatened to drag me under.
“Missing something, Jas?” Peter shouted. I looked up to find him holding my dismembered hand in front of my face. I tried to grab it from him, but he danced away from me, jumping on the railing of the ship.
“Give it back,” I ground out through the pain.
“Looks like you’ve sold your soul, my old friend. What’s one missing piece?” he laughed as he took in the unusual color of my blood. “Perfect bait for crocodiles. You know,” he taunted nonchalantly as if he wasn’t holding the lifeless remains of my hand, “they troll these waters for any sign of an easy meal, and they can smell when blood is spilled—especially your kind.” He held my hand over the railing, letting the aubergine blood drip into the sea below. “I have a feeling you’re tastier than most.”
My mind was in chaos, but I didn’t miss the sound of splashing water and the snapping of teeth below deck. I staggered to my feet, my injured arm pinned to my chest, the dark blood staining my shirt. I took a step toward him on shaky legs. Pan smirked at me and tossed my severed hand overboard as if he were discarding a piece of trash.
“No!” A guttural scream poured from my lips. I stumbled the rest of the way, the railing catching me in the gut. It was too late, and the only thing left of my hand… of my pride, was now in the belly of the enormous beast. The spines of the crocodile slashed through the dark water, still looking for more.
Pan’s sword sunk into the railing only inches from me, shaking me from the shock and bringing me back to the present danger I was in.
“If I have to, I’ll take you one piece at a time until I’ve won the duel, and I walk away with a new mother.”
I couldn’t bring myself to move. I was beaten. I wasn’t even a whole man. It was time to welcome death. It seemed like a peaceful adventure at that moment. I closed my eyes and turned my face up to the falling rain. Ready to accept my fate.
The sound of a gunshot echoed in my ears, startling me, and my eyes popped open. Katherine stood beside me. In one hand, she clutched the ruby; in the other, her smoking pistol pointed at the sky. A goddess in her righteous fury. The rain plastered her white shift to her body, and the wind whipped her hair around her face. The sight of her was all that held me together.
“Take one more step toward him, and I’ll reconsider sparing you,” she shouted. Cocking the pistol and pointing it at Peter. “The duel is over. I’m choosing to stay with James. Now, get the fuck off this ship!” she shrieked, firing off another round into the sky. The Heart of the Divine obeyed Katherine’s commands, ending the fight and the rules that bound us. A bewildered Pan took to the air, flying off toward the mainland.