14. Blood
T he moment Pan took flight, Katherine knelt beside me. “James!” She grabbed my wrist and raised it high above my head, panic trembling through her body. “Keep your arm up. We must stop the bleeding.” She ripped at her shift, wadding up the fabric and pressing it firmly against the bloody stump. Scorching, white-hot pain ripped through my body.
“Fuck, Katherine! Stop, just stop.”
“I’m sorry, James. I’m so sorry. I can’t. I have to stop the bleeding.”
“Don’t bother. I’m ready… to meet my… my demise.” I focused on the immense pain. The way the blood felt sticky and warm, spilling down my arm. I deserved every agonizing spark. I’d lost. It was over.
“Smee!” Kat yelled, ignoring me. Straining, she pulled the belt from my waist. “Help me wrap this tourniquet.”
“I’ve never seen blood like this before. We need faerie dust. Miss Hawkins, where’s your pixie?” Smee briefly turned his eyes to mine before looking back at the sanguineous mess before him. I must have been a gruesome sight because his face was ghostly white, and he was sweating profusely. “This is going to hurt, Captain. Brace yourself.” He wrapped the belt around my arm. His hands were now almost black, coated in my dark purple blood.
“Fuuckk!” I screamed as he tightened the makeshift tourniquet. Pain shot down my arm and through my missing hand. It wasn’t there, but I could still feel it. My vision blurred, and the world around me faded in and out of darkness.
“She’s in our cabin.” Katherine’s voice seemed miles away.
“Just let… me…” I pleaded.
“Starkey! Go, find the damn pixie and bring her here. Now!” Smee barked orders, taking the lead.
Why were they ignoring me? There was no need for them to save me. I didn’t want to survive. Everything I fought for, everything I endured, it was all for naught. I’d never defeat Pan as half a man. He had won. The bastard had bested me. I closed my eyes and wished for death.
“How long should it take?” The distant sound of Katherine’s voice roused me, bringing back the searing pain and the memory of how I’d failed. I struggled to hear her words, though I could sense her presence beside me.
“It should have worked by now. Give me the damned pixie,” Smee demanded. “I’ll shake every last drop of dust from her pathetic little frame.”
“You’ll do no such thing!” Kat snapped back. “Meadow, please. We have to try?”
I heard the buzz of Meadow’s wings pass by my ear. “I told you both. Faerie dust can’t cure everything . More won’t change his outcome. At least the bleeding has stopped. If he’s lucky, he’ll survive.”
“Smee…” The word came out as a mere whisper. It was all I could muster. I opened my eyes, blinking away the confusion. I was still splayed out on the deck.
“James!” Katherine grabbed my left hand. “He’s awake!” She smiled down at me. Her beautiful face shone like an angel against the cloud-peppered sky. “You’re safe. The bleeding has stopped. You’re going to be okay. Let me get you some water.”
“Where is Smee?”
“I’m here, Captain.” Smee’s head popped into view.
“Rum,” I demanded.
“No need.” Katherine squeezed my hand. “I have an elixir?—”
“No!” I wouldn’t use her magics. My trust in her was wavering. Plus, I didn’t want a reprieve from the physical pain. I was a failure. I deserved to feel every gut-wrenching throb. Rum, however, would dull my aching psyche.
“James,” she pleaded. “Let me help. I know you are in immense pain.”
“Help me to my cabin.”
“Captain, you’ve lost a lot of blood. I don’t think you should stand just yet,” Smee warned.
I instinctively tried to push myself upright, forgetting my current predicament, and immediately regretted my haste. Searing pain radiated through my mutilated limb the moment it touched the decking, quickly reminding me of the devastation inflicted by Pan. “Rum, now!” I gritted out through clenched teeth.
“Aye, Captain.” Smee scurried off, leaving me with Kat and her pixie.
“Have the crew carry me to bed. I wish to be left alone.”
I had polished off an entire bottle of rum and was making a hefty dent in the second. It wasn’t exactly great at masking the pain, but I’d been drinking it as though it were the cure to all my ails. A vain attempt to shut down my nagging thoughts. Nonetheless, they continued to cloud my mind. Replaying the event over and over again in grueling, gruesome detail.
I couldn’t make sense of why, when I had the chance, I fucking hesitated. I had him in my snares not once, but twice. Fucking twice! I was too concerned with how to kill him instead of just ending the feud once and for all. A simple death wasn’t enough to suffice my demon. I had become greedy with revenge. And what boggled me the most, what ate at my very core, was Katherine. She had actually pleaded to save Pan’s life. Whose side was she on? Could I trust her? Did she want to be their mother? I thought she loved me. I thought she was my other half. That we shared something special. But now, doubts plagued me.
The cabin door creaked open. “How are you doing?” Kat asked softly, peeking her head into the room. “May I come in?” She didn’t wait for a response before making her way to my bedside. “I brought you something for the pain and some fresh bandages. We should clean the wound now that the bleeding has stopped. We don’t want it to fester.”
“I don’t want your elixirs. What I need is more faerie dust. Where is that useless pixie of yours?”
“Meadow has already healed you as much as she can.”
“Then where the fuck is my right hand, Katherine?” I lifted the useless stump so she could see it with her own eyes. “Why hasn’t it grown back?”
Katherine’s eyes welled with tears. “Meadow said there are things that can’t be healed with faerie dust. I… I tried a few things while you were passed out. Nothing seems to be working. I’m tirelessly searching for a solution. But, like Meadow, my magic has limitations.”
“The only thing limited here is your loyalty. Riddle me this, Miss Hawkins, did you know about the crocodile?” Rage began to boil in my heart. “You knew, and you said nothing.”
“James, your eyes. They’re red again.”
“James, your eyes,” I mocked. “I don’t give a fuck about my damn eyes. Why didn’t you warn me?”
“You know my visions are cryptic. I didn’t know this was going to happen.”
“What else are you keeping from me, huh? You are the reason I lost my hand, Katherine. You distracted my focus. You demanded that I spare the boy and leave Neverland behind.”
“I was simp?—”
“And why, pray tell, is my blood this god-forsaken color? Did you use magic on me, Miss Hawkins?”
“Meadow said it’s from your deal with Tiger Lily. She used magic on you, not me. Or are you too drunk to remember your bargain with the Princess?”
“I’m sober enough to know you , the woman who claims to love me, can’t be trusted. Where’s Smee?”
Katherine took a deep breath. “He’s with Starkey, managing the crew.”
“Bring him to me. I’m done talking to you.” She turned to leave, but I grabbed her arm. “Oh, and, Katherine, before you go, I believe you’ve taken something that belongs to me.”
She looked at me quizzically. “I don’t know?—”
“Don't play coy with me. Give me back my ruby!”
Her brow furrowed, and her lips set in a hard line, but she remained silent as she fished the gemstone from her skirts. She threw it at me before turning on her heels and storming out the door.
Once I had the room to myself, I turned the ruby around in my fingers, watching how the facets bent the light to their whim. Not unlike the power the stone gifted to its steward. The consequences of using the Heart of the Divine weighed heavily on my mind. I’d only used it a handful of times, and now I couldn’t help but wonder if the piper had come for his pound of flesh. I placed the ruby back safely in my pocket and made a silent vow to never abuse it again.
“Captain, Miss Hawkins said you were asking for me?” Smee poked his head into my cabin.
“Yes, please, come closer. Pull up a chair. We have much to discuss.” I had to tell Smee about his son. He deserved closure, and I could at least offer him that much.
“It’s a bleeding shame about your hand. How’s the pain?”
“I’ve felt worse,” I lied. I had never, in all my years of service to that masochist, Blackbeard, ever endured a pain even close to what I’d experienced at the hands of Pan.
Smee gave me a knowing smile but kept his thoughts to himself.
“Tell me, are my eyes red?” I stared at him, widening my eyes to ensure he got a good look.
“They look blue to me.”
“That’s what I thought.” Katherine and Peter had been the only ones to ever mention it. They must have been seeing things. Either that or the two of them were conspiring against me. After what happened today, I couldn’t be sure.
“Why do you ask?”
“No reason.” I wasn’t going to let Smee know of Katherine’s attempt to drive me insane. I paused, frustrated, trying unsuccessfully to load my cigar holder with my only hand. I couldn’t even smoke a goddamned cigar without fumbling.
Smee reached for the contraption. “Please, sir, let me help.” He quickly placed the cigars and offered up a flame.
I inhaled deeply. Sweet relief. My irritable frustration quickly melted away as billows of white smoke curled from my nose. “You’d make a fine first mate. It’s a shame I appointed you bo’sun.”
“Thank you, Captain, but this is simply what friends do.”
Friends, I hadn’t had a friend since Henry. Losing him damn near killed me. The last thing I needed was another liability. I’d have to remember to keep the crew at a distance.
“I have news about Eli.”
Smee’s eyes lit up, and I instantly had his full attention.
I reached for his hand. “His remains are resting deep within the Viridianwood. I’m so sorry.”
He pulled the glasses from his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. “How do you know this?”
“Pan confessed that Eli, along with others, are there.”
Smee sat silently as a single tear slid down his cheek. “I think I’ve known that Eli was gone for a while. I just never wanted to admit it to myself, and without proof, I had to keep searching for him.”
“Take the crew on a search through the wood. Find your boy and give him a proper resting place.”
“You need our help, Captain. I’ve waited this long for answers; I can wait a few more days. Waiting won’t change the outcome.”
“You’ll do no such thing.” I shook my head. “Go, find your son. I’ll be here figuring out my next move. Oh, and Smee, if you happen to see that crocodile. I want her—alive. Bring her to me.”
“Aye, Captain. I’ll leave behind Starkey. He’ll manage the ship while you recover. Thank you, James. I give you my word. When I return, we’ll make things right. We must stop Peter Pan.”