Chapter 26 #2
“Where were you this morning? Aenan said he sent you on an errand.”
“Aye.” Having finished his sandwich, Caelan leant back on the chair. “There were reports overnight of the Dark Fae being seen in the Myrkwoods, so I went to patrol.”
“What? Why send you?” I realised too late how belittling that sounded.
“Well, it’s my job, I suppose,” he answered.
“Oh.” I was slightly embarrassed to admit that I didn’t know what it was Caelan did. I’d just assumed he lived on the estate. I hadn’t realised he held a position. “What is your job?”
“Formally I’m your brother’s equerry, or right-hand man, if you will, but informally I just do all his dirty work.” He winked at me.
“But isn’t that dangerous?” I exclaimed.
“Aye, sometimes. But nothing I can’t handle.” He must have seen the distress on my face, as he tried to reassure me. “I may be human, Rowan, but don’t forget, I was raised alongside your brother. I was taught how to fight. How to use a sword, a knife. I am not helpless or weak by any means.”
“I didn’t mean that,” I answered quickly.
I knew he could fight; had seen him with my brother on the lawn that day.
The way they parried back and forth. He was just as quick on his feet as Aenan, nothing to indicate he was any less for being human.
“Why send you, though? Why didn’t he go, or one of the guards? ”
He shrugged. “I can’t tell you the why of it, but Aenan knows I need to feel useful. Be useful. He knows I need to feel like I am contributing to the estate. I’ve lived here for twenty-five years. Will likely live here for many more. It is my home. But… it’s not, really. Your father…”
He paused, seeming to struggle with his words.
“My father?”
“Your father was not the same when your mother passed. He saw me as a poor substitute for the child he missed. The child she had missed. And somewhere along the way, he put the blame of her death onto me. It was why he separated Aenan and me. Delegated me to the stables and Aenan to the study. He tried to cause dissension between us, and it would have worked, if it had not been for Lachlann.”
Guilt surged up inside me at his words. “I’m so sorry, Caelan. I had no idea.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. It is not your fault at all. Like I said, your mother’s death changed him, and he took to the drink, a little more than he should have.
He made me feel like an outsider. Like I was not welcome.
And even though I know it is not the case, I still sometimes feel that way.
I need to contribute, need to prove my worth.
Aenan understands that. Plus, I think he was getting back at me, at us, for making him go out in the rain yesterday while we were in the bathhouse. ”
I hadn’t really thought about where my brother had gone while we had been in the bathing room. The thought of him standing in the rain had me laughing out loud, Caelan joining me.
“Speaking of the bathhouse…”
“Aye. We need to talk about what happened,” he interjected.
“I’m so sorry, Rowan. Truly I am. I shouldn’t have lied to you.
My only excuse is that I didn’t want to add to the uncertainty you were already feeling, being in a strange land, learning you were fae.
You have told me before how you felt suffocated by the overprotectiveness of your father, and I stupidly believed knowing we were bonded might feel like another shackle to you. ”
I stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Caelan. I am not upset about the bond between us.”
His brow furrowed.
“I am upset that you chose to lie to me about it – about why you were in the woods that day. Hiding the fact that you have been in my dreams, that you know what I have been thinking, feeling. I… I have been lied to all my life. A lie that has caused me untold pain and is the reason for all my insecurities. I trusted you, and you’ve broken that trust.”
His face fell. “You don’t trust me anymore?”
He sounded so like a boy, so like that child he had just been talking about, that my heart broke, just a little. Sighing, I placed my hand into his and he squeezed it.
“The thing is, I think I do,” I whispered. “But I feel vulnerable about that. I have never felt this way before, not for anyone.” I tapped my chest. “What I feel for you… I don’t know if it’s because of this bond or not, but whatever it is, it scares me.”
He squeezed my hand again.
“It scares me because if I let you in, if I give you my trust, my heart, you have the ability to break it, and I don’t know if I could come back from that.”
His gaze was so focused on mine that I think he forgot to blink. He was so still that I grew nervous. But then, if I wasn’t mistaken, relief passed over his features. “I feel the same way.”
My insides all seemed to relax at once. “You do?”
“Yes. I do. I’m so sorry, Rowan, about the lies. I can promise to you that I will never lie to you again.”
“Even if it’s in my best interest?”
“How can a lie ever be in your best interest?”
I smiled at him. The biggest, most genuine smile I had ever given anyone. “That,” I said, “is the perfect answer.”