CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Everything is fucked
JAKE
I fucking hate exam season.
I don’t hate my exams per say, but I hate how busy and agitated people get.
For example, this morning Kieran lost his shit on me all because I didn’t brew a new pot of coffee after taking the last cup. He complained about pulling an all-nighter for some economics class, but how the hell was I supposed to know that?I sleep like a damn bear. Once I’m out, I’m out.This semester, I’ve been lucky enough to be graced with easy classes, so I don’t have to pull all-nighters to study or be hopped up on caffeine twenty-four seven.
My last exam is next Monday, and it’s for my class on honeybees—a class I could pass in my sleep.Not all of my friends are as lucky as me when it comes to school.Kieran won’t leave his bedroom except to grab food or to take a piss. Nate and Eli spend most of their time in the business center, since there are tons of conference rooms students can rent out to study in.So, I’m left here alone, twiddling my fucking thumbs waiting for someone to hang out with me.
Geez that makes me sound pathetic.
On top of my friends being slammed with school, Vanessa has been avoiding me all week and I haven’t been able to figure out why.
Okay, maybe avoiding is the wrong word because she came over the other night to study together—although we didn’t get a lot of actual studying done. But since then, I’ve only gotten one-word responses from her. I’d assume she’s neck deep in textbooks, using all her free time to study, but something in my gut tells me that I’m wrong. I don’t like feeling uneasy.
Tonight seemed to be the only night she wasn’t held up in the library, so I’m taking advantage of that.
I took Levi’s advice and found the perfect way to distract her. I’m taking her to see the Christmas lights at the Public Garden.She’s been obsessed over it ever since we walked by, and nothing cures the exam blues better than a Saturday evening with her handsome boyfriend, a cup of hot chocolate, and Christmas lights to make her forget about her troubles around the holidays.
I pull my Jeep into one of the many visitor spots at her condo, they’re lucky to have this much parking in the city.
“Hey, Greg, how’s your night going?” I wave over at the front desk as I make my way through the lobby, heading for the elevators.
Their security guard knows me well by now.After Vanessa and I started sleeping together, she had me added to the list of approved visitors, which makes it much easier than waiting for her to come all the way down.The first time I came to visit, I had to wait for Sydney to buzz me up. While I waited the guard complimented me on the Jeep—another Jurassic Park fan.
“Mr. Shepherd, nice to see you again. How’s that Jeep running?”
I put my index finger and thumb together, making an okay symbol. “Good as gold.” The elevator dings as the doors open, and I wave again at Greg. “Have a good night.”
The ride up to the fifteenth floor is quick. It feels like the elevator barely moves, then all of a sudden, the doors open to Vanessa’s floor.
I’ve always liked the idea of living in a condo, especially now that I’ll be moving to New Jersey this upcoming summer, I need to start looking into places.I’d like something similar to this—security guard at the front, back door access in case there’s paparazzi out front, a gym and pool are a definite must, and a hot tub wouldn’t be bad either.
I can picture myself winding down after a game and letting the bubbles soothe my aching muscles.Just like our trip to Vermont when Vanessa and I sat in the hot tub while she read that steamy book of hers. I wonder if she ever ended up finishing it.
I knock on the door, but don’t have to wait because Maddie barrels out the second my fist connects with the door.She looks rushed, a little disheveled, and is wearing a black sweater that swallows her whole. That sweater looks familiar.
“Sheesh, Harper. Where are you off to in such a hurry?”
Her pale blue eyes look up at me as I take her in. Her long black hair is kept back in braids, an overnight bag hanging on her shoulder— Oh Maddie’s got a date.
“Just a late-night study sesh.” Her pale skin immediately blushes at her own lie, giving her away.
“Mm-hm, sure. Is Ness ready?”
“Yeah, she’s just in her room. Head right in.”
“Thanks, enjoy your date, Maddie.”
“Thanks.” Her eyes bulge when she realizes her mistake. “Don’t tell them, please .”
I give her a silent nod. If she doesn’t want her friends knowing where she’s going, it’s not my business to tell them.
And also, Maddie scares the absolute shit out of me.This girl chose to study dead bodies, and I know for certain she would know how to get rid of one.
I step in and I feel like I’m slapped in the face by Christmas.The place smells like fresh pine with a hint of a spice—cinnamon or nutmeg, maybe Sydney made gingerbread cookies. Their place is decorated to the nines with Christmas lights strung around the ceiling, garland lining the hallways, and a giant frosted tree sits in the corner of their living room next to the balcony doors.I guess they really did go crazy last weekend.
“Ness?” I call from the hallway.
“Coming! I’m coming!” She stumbles out of her room, hopping on one foot as she pulls her sock onto her foot. “Sorry, I’m a bit of a mess today.”
I look her over and completely disagree with that statement. Her hair is tamed by a dark green toque that matches her eye color, and her curls fall loosely over her shoulders. If she thinks she looks like a mess, well she’s at least a hot mess.
If I said that joke out loud, she would punch me.
“Ready?”
Sydney peeks her head out of her bedroom door, her hair tossed into a messy bun. “Where are you guys going?”
That girl does love to pry.
“It’s a surprise.”
Sydney’s face lights up. I can only imagine the ideas roaming through that head of hers.
“Ness will fill you in later.”
Her face falls at my statement, knowing I won’t give any information up. “You suck. Have fun.” She sticks her tongue out at us and retreats back into the comfort of her own room.
“Will you tell me where we’re going?” Vanessa asks.
“Nope.” I open the front door. “Just follow along.”
She does as instructed and follows me out of the building into my Jeep.
The night is chilly, so I brought a thermos full of hot chocolate for us. I know that she would prefer a hazelnut latte, but if I have espresso this late I’ll be up until three in the morning.
The drive from her place isn’t far, but she stays quiet the whole way. I’m unsure if she was too involved with the music or the brightly lit city, but it makes me feel a little uneasy with how silent she’s being.
I find a parking spot close to the entrance of the Public Garden, which is damn lucky considering how packed it looks tonight. Before heading in, I grab the thermos I had tucked away and pour the hot chocolate into two travel mugs I brought. This will keep them nice and warm while we walk around and take in the exhibits.
“Wait here.” I climb out of the Jeep and jog around to the passenger door, opening it so Vanessa can get out.
“I thought Christmas lights and hot chocolate might be the perfect distraction.”
The lights reflect off her glasses, and I watch as her eyes roam over the well-lit park.There are various light displays ranging from candy canes to Santa with his reindeer. The trees are wrapped with multicolored lights that change with music that’s playing through speakers throughout the park.
“I’ve been meaning to come to the lights, I just couldn’t find the time.”
“I know. You mentioned it a couple weeks ago.”
She looks to the side, pretending to take in the display of stars, but I know it’s a diversion.
“ Oh, I didn’t think you’d remember that.” Her voice is soft, barely audible. That feeling in my gut returns.
Vanessa begins walking and I follow alongside her in silence. The bridge crossing the pond is strung with lights that reflect off the water, making it seem like the entire park is glowing. We walk through a small courtyard with evergreen shrubs that are lined with lights, creating different animals with the colors.
As we pause at one of the statues I look down at Vanessa. Her cheeks have turned a rosy shade from the cold.I study her as she looks at the display of lights. Goddamn, she is the most magnificent thing I’ve ever seen. The twinkling lights illuminate Vanessa. I could stare at her for hours.
The changing colors reflect off her glasses, and that’s when I notice the look on her face.
Her mood has been off ever since I picked her up. Hell, it’s been off all week, but I tossed it up to exam stress.
“All right, you’ve barely said a word to me all night. Are exams stressing you out?”
“No.” She responds quickly, too quickly.
She stays silent for a minute. I watch as she rattles her brain, trying to decide whether she should tell me what’s actually going on or keep it to herself.Knowing Vanessa, she’s either going to ramble a bunch of nonsense, or she’s going to shove it down and let it eat at her until it eventually boils over.
“C’mon, Ness. You can talk to me.”
She lets out a deep breath before speaking. “These past few months have been amazing. I love the friendship that we have, but something feels wrong. I-I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Do what?”
What can’t she do, our relationship? Everything has been going so well, I have no idea where she’s coming from. Was it something I did? Did I say something wrong?
“I don’t think I can be a part of your life anymore.”
What the fuck?
“What? Why?”
I have no idea where my girl’s head is at. I’m racking my brain trying to understand her, but every thought goes blank.I thought everything was going well. I’m not an expert on relationships, but I felt like things were going smoothly. We banter with one another, but we don’t fight. Is that what’s upsetting her?
“You are meant for so much more than me, Jake. You have this incredible life to live, but I was never meant to be a part of it.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Ness?”
“Things change, and I don’t think we ever fully thought our relationship through. There are so many moving parts, so many unknowns. I think we jumped into things too quickly.”
Jumped too quickly? We spent months running around each other before I finally got her to settle down.
She starts fiddling with the gloves on her hands, not making eye contact with me.“After you got that call from your agent, things have been different. You’ve been different. It’s had me thinking about our future and where we stand. I don’t think I belong in your future. You’ve always known what you wanted out of life, knowing where your family and friends fit into place. But you never planned to have a girlfriend before going pro.”
“Okay, and? ” I must be an idiot because I’m not following.
“And you shouldn’t have to change around your dreams to accommodate me.”
“Ness, you’re acting crazy. Plans change. Of course I’m going to accommodate my life to have you in it.”
She finally looks up at me, those big green eyes have a shimmer to them, but I can’t tell if it’s from the lights around us or if she’s about to cry.
“But you shouldn’t have to.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“On the beach in Cape Cod, I told you about my insecurities. About never being enough for my parents, my family, or my ex. I was always an afterthought. My family’s careers are more important than anything in their life, and that’s how it’s going to be with you, but it’s not your fault. You’ve worked your entire life to get to where you are today, and who am I to stand in the way of your dreams?”
My dreams? Doesn’t she understand that she’s become a part of that dream? I never pictured molding my life to fit another person into it until I met Vanessa.
Before I can voice this to her, she continues, “This upcoming year will be so important for your future. You’ll be gone for half the year, playing in different states, working harder than you ever had to make a name for yourself. I don’t want to be a distraction. Our relationship is too new to go through something as big as this. Your career comes first, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. I don’t want to make you feel bad for choosing your dream. Your entire focus should be on hockey. Not us.”
“Vanessa, baby.” I reach for her, but she pulls away. Ouch . I stand up straight, acting as if her rejection didn’t just kill me a little inside. “Listen, I know this next year is going to be tough, but we’ll make it work. I know things between us are still new and we’re still trying to figure it all out, but I’m not going anywhere.”
“Jake, we have no idea what we’re doing. We had our fun, but we never should’ve made this more than what it was.”
Well, that fucking stung. Does she really think that little of me?
“Vanessa, c’mon. Where is all of this coming from? I thought we were good?”
“We’re far from good. We’re living in a damn fairy tale. Right now, it seems like our relationship is perfect, but it’s not. We haven’t had any conflict, anything to challenge us. We’ve been blind to what’s right in front of us— our future . You’re going to become preoccupied with your career and your social life, and I’ll be put on the back burner like I have been my entire life.”
Fuck. Vanessa is the farthest thing from an afterthought in my head.This girl is on repeat every damn day. Every morning when I wake up, I think about her. When she’s asleep next to me, I can’t help but stare in awe at the girl who aimlessly walked into my life and took my heart hostage. When we’re not together, I’m constantly thinking about what she’s doing and if she’s thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about her. And when we are together, I can’t stop fucking looking at her. She’s done something to me, rewired my brain so its only thought is her. She’s taken everything from me, I don’t understand how she cannot see that.What do I need to do, scream out that I love her in front of all these people.
“Vanessa, you are more important to me than you realize. For fuck’s sake, I think I’m falling—”
“I think we should break up.” Her words come out faster than mine, cutting me off before I can finish my confession.
“What did you say?”
My shoulders fall, feeling like someone just put fifty-pound barbells on each side.
“I think we should end this.” She motions her gloved hand between us. “Before either of us gets hurt. We took the whole friends-with-benefits situation too far. We were foolish for believing it could be something more when we knew you’d be leaving.”
Her words barrel into me, I feel like I’m going to fucking puke.There are too many people around for a conversation like this. Parents and their children are laughing and having fun going through the light display while my girlfriend is trying to break up with me.
“You’re talking nonsense, angel girl.” I guide us down one of the less crowded paths. There are less lights this way, so it’s not as busy as the rest of the park.“Can’t we work this out? Isn’t that what relationships are all about, talking things through, figuring out a way to make it all work.
“Jake.”
She stops following me, stopping next to a park bench. She motions to it, taking a seat at one end. I reluctantly join her, keeping distance between us.A minute goes by before she speaks, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you all week about this, I-I just didn’t know what I was going to say until now.”
She’s been thinking about this all week? How can she go from sleeping in bed with me one night to wanting to break up with me only a few days later? Even I’m not that fucking cold.
“So, you’re breaking up with me because you’re scared that my career will be too demanding and I won’t have time for us? Even though I’m telling you otherwise.”
“No.”
“Okay, well then help me understand, Vanessa, because I’m really fucking lost right now.”
She flinches at my swearing, and I internally curse at myself for making her feel uneasy.
“We want such different things out of life. Your career is going to take off and who knows where I’m going to end up. My photography could take me anywhere in the world. It’s not fair for either of us to put our lives on hold and resent each other in the future for not taking certain opportunities that might come. You deserve to reap all the benefits, Jake. I won’t be standing in your way anymore.”
I can’t believe any of the words coming out of her mouth. This whole conversation feels like it came out of left field. I’ve tried telling myself that nothing was wrong between us, but I guess I was an idiot for believing that. I should’ve listened to my gut after our last game. I should’ve pushed her for more information.
Well, I’m pushing now.
“Vanessa, you can’t be serious.”
Her relaxed brows furrow into a straight line. “ I am .”
“This is ridiculous, I’m not buying it. Sorry to say this, but you’re stuck with me, Ness.” If she thinks that a little overthinking is enough to drive me away, she has another thing coming.“Baby, let’s talk about this. This is our first fight, if you want to call it that. We can figure it out.”
“Jake, I don’t want to end up as some NHL player’s trophy wife. I’m sure there are a million girls out there, like Caroline, who would love to be by your side. But I want to make a life for myself, be selfish for once. I’ve been fine on my own my entire life, I’ll be fine on my own for a while longer.”
She moves to stand up from the bench, but I’m frozen in place.It’s not the cold that has me stuck in my seat, I’ve just lost all feeling in my body for a brief moment and my brain doesn’t seem to be working.She’s become my everything while I’ve become nothing to her. I have no fucking clue what I’m supposed to do right now.
“So this is it?” My voice breaks as I ask the question.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice is soft, almost comforting.
I’m not a crier, but I feel that familiar sting spread across my eyes, threatening to spill if I let them. I let out a long breath instead. What the fuck just happened? I need to get the hell out of here.
I sit up. “Let’s go, I’ll take you home.”
She takes a step away from me, and that’s the second time she’s recoiled away.I don’t think my ego will ever recover from this.
“It’s fine, Sydney’s going to come get me.”
My eyes dart down to hers. The warmth in her green eyes is gone. They’ve turned cold, like an evergreen in the midst of a winter storm. Threatening me as if I’m the wind that would sway her leaves in the dead of winter.Vanessa doesn’t look sad. No . Her expression has gone completely neutral.
Over the past few months, I’ve been slowly falling in love with the girl in front of me. I’m such a fool for thinking she felt the same. I thought that we were on the same page, but apparently, we weren’t even in the same damn book.
I nod at her. “Right, well, if this is what you want. Get home safe, Vanessa.”
I don’t look behind me as I make my way to the exit of the park, leaving behind what I thought was the best thing that came into my life. But now, everything is fucked. And there’s only one way to forget about all of this.
I need a drink.
“Ness. Can we talk, please . Call me when you get this.”
I’m pathetic and drunk. That’s the fourth voice mail I’ve left her tonight.If Kieran was here, he’d tell me that drunk calls lead to no good, but I don’t give a shit. The whiskey I’ve been drinking has helped ease the pain at least.
I’ve tried texting her but that also hasn’t worked.I don’t understand how we went from zero to a hundred in the span of one night. I think she’s overthinking our situation. She let her fear of commitment completely take over her rational thinking, and that’s what caused her to break things off. Right? I wish she would pick up the goddamn phone so we can sort this out.
I found myself at Shaker’s. Ironically, it’s the bar where I first met Vanessa. Maybe I ended up here on purpose. I’ve been here sulking for the past two hours, and the bartender and I have become great friends. We made an unspoken rule, anytime he sees my drink empty, he needs to replace it.
Speaking of which, I lift my hand, signaling to the bartender for another. He nods and pours me another double shot of whiskey on the rocks. I decided to torture myself tonight, and nothing does that better than straight alcohol.
“Jake?”
My head turns at the familiar voice. Caroline.
I raise my newly filled glass and grumble, “Car! Hey, what’re you doing here?”
“Geez, you look like ass. What the hell happened to you?”
I laugh as I take a sip of my drink.
What is wrong with me? Well, besides the fact that my girlfriend just broke up with me. If only Vanessa knew how I really felt. If she picked up the damn phone, maybe then she would know just how much I care for her.
“Woman troubles,” I mumble.
“ You’re having women troubles? Well shit, I need to hear about this.” Caroline takes a seat next to me at the bar. My eyes roam down her body, she’s wearing a black lace top that ties at her chest and is open around her abdomen. I don’t think Vanessa would ever wear an outfit like that. Although I’d fucking love to see her in a lace top again.
Why won’t she answer? Did she really mean what she said? Was our relationship really a mistake? Fuck no.
I type out another message, but as I try to read what I just sent, I realize that my vision is a little blurry. Calling would be better. I should call her. As my finger hovers over her contact info, it’s pulled out of my grasp.
“Hey!” I whine as Caroline tucks it into her bag.
“No drunk dialing. Nothing good comes from a drunk phone call, trust me. ” I guess she does have a point. “Instead, we drink until we forget who we wanted to call…which I’m assuming is Vanessa?”
I nod at her. “She broke up with me tonight.”
Caroline’s eyes go wide and she immediately calls over the bartender, ordering two shots. She grabs both glasses and hands one to me. “To shitty relationships. We deserve much better than the hand we were dealt.”
I don’t know if I agree, but I clink my glass to hers. For the next hour we sit there, drinking and talking.And soon, I start to forget those deep green eyes, the big round glasses, and her pouty lips.My words start to fumble as I reach drink number who knows.
Caroline leans to whisper in my ear, the music getting too loud to hear each other without being this close. “I’m going to get us a ride home.”
She ruffles through her bag, grabbing her cell phone. I hear her make a call to someone for a ride. The conversation is short, but I hear her mention my name to whoever is on the other line.
I should have another drink while I wait.One drink while waiting for our ride won’t hurt.
Right?
I wave at the bartender again, this time giving him my credit card to pay my tab. I’ll look at the damage in the morning. Nothing matters to me anymore.
Well, someone still matters. But I’m too drunk to even think about that right now.
My vision is starting to fail me and I think I’m starting to have hallucinations because I swear the last thing I see before I keel over to vomit is Kieran and Maddie rushing over to me, attempting to help me out of the bar.