CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
I don’t believe in love
VANESSA
There’s no sun today, which is quite fitting for my mood.
I’ve been staring out my window since early this morning, watching the gray clouds take over the sun, snow threatening to fall.If only the ground would open up and swallow me whole.
I should probably be studying for my final tomorrow, but I can’t focus on anything. All I can think about is the look on Jake’s face when I broke things off last night.It was about four in the morning when I finally cried enough to the point of exhaustion.
I’m the first to admit that I have my faults. The biggest being I let my insecurities run my life. Or should I say ruin my life. I started to question whether our relationship was one that would last or if it would easily fall apart the second things got tense. I felt insecure and let my thoughts run wild. I allowed myself to imagine the worst, which led me to sabotaging everything, just like I always do. I didn’t care what I said. I didn’t think. I acted on my own stupidity. My words shaped themselves into a knife, slicing Jake with every vowel that came out of my mouth.
I was the one scared of Jake breaking things off, and yet it was me in the end who put us to rest. I let my intrusive thoughts burrow in my brain like an invasive species. I planted the seed, thinking that Jake would act just like my parents and our relationship would be doomed before it started. I watered that seed and let it grow until it blossomed into a full-blown mental breakdown.
This pattern has been present my whole life.When I start to feel too comfortable in a position, the overthinking begins and it takes over my rational thoughts.
Why can’t I allow myself to fall in love? I mean, that’s what was happening. I was falling in love with Jake fucking Shepherd and that scared the shit out of me. It scared me so much that instead of embracing it and telling Jake how I feel, I decided I wasn’t worthy of that kind of love.
I pushed Jake away, and now I’m left here, broken in pieces all from my own doing.
His friendship mended something in me.At first, it was small gestures like bringing a latte to early morning practices or carrying my bag for me on campus. The gestures turned into us staying up late and him listening to me babble on the phone about nothing for hours, playing my favorite video games, watching each other’s favorite shows, and even listening to Taylor Swift.There were so many small things he did to show how much he cared for me.
And I threw it all away.
My reasons might have felt like they were out of the blue—but these insecurities have been here the whole time, bubbling under the surface until they finally boiled over.And when they did, I allowed myself to think that Jake would treat me the same way my parents do. I tricked myself into believing that once Jake’s life starts to take off, he’ll toss me aside like I’ve meant nothing to him.
I’m too big of a coward to swallow my pride and admit to him that I’m scared. It’s a fatal flaw of mine—pushing people away when things get too heavy.
“Ness,” Sydney knocks at my bedroom door, “are you okay? Can I come in?”
I shuffle off my bed, wrapping myself in my blanket and unlocking my door for her. As soon as she sees me, she engulfs me in a hug and my tears begin to fall again.
“Syd…I-I’m so stupid.”
“Are you going to tell me what happened? You’ve kept yourself locked in here since last night. I had my ear pressed to your door to make sure you were still alive.”
I sniffle and take a deep breath. Stop crying.
“I broke up with Jake.”
Sydney pulls away from me, her eyes almost bulging out of her head.“What? What do you mean you broke up with him? I thought you guys got into an argument.”
“I was going to talk to him about all the stuff I told you and Maddie, but it didn’t turn out as I had planned.”
“Okay, sit down. I need to know everything from the start to finish.” She grabs my hand and leads me back to my bed, where the sheets are ruffled from a restless night.
“I’ve been feeling anxious thinking about our future. I’ve never cared for someone this much and it fucking terrifies me, Syd. I’m scared that I’m going to fall so deeply in love with him and he’s going to leave. And instead of waiting for him to break my heart…I broke his.”
“Oh, Vanessa.” She pulls me back for a hug, “That boy is so head over heels for you, Vanessa. If you asked him to jump off a bridge, he would. If you asked him to wear a pink tutu to practice, you bet your ass he would strut on the ice in it and not give a single fuck what any of the guys say.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I know you need glasses to see, but are you that blind? That boy has been in love with you since the second he laid eyes on you. It’s just taking him a long time to admit it to you.”
Does he actually love me?
Sydney sees me questioning her and continues, “I know your parents’ relationship sucks, but you need to realize that not everyone is like your family. There are good people out here, people like Jake , who love you. He wants to be with you, Vanessa. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have asked you to be his girlfriend.”
Maybe she’s right. If I was feeling this way, maybe Jake is too.
I put my head in my hands. “What should I do?”
Sydney rubs her palm over my back in the soothing way she always does to comfort me. “What do you want to do, Ness?”
I want to take back what I said last night. I want to run over to Jake and tell him that I’m falling in love with him. Hell, I want to tell him that I’m in love with him. I think I have been for a while, and I’ve been too stupid to acknowledge it. I want to apologize for all the things I said and tell him I didn’t mean it.
“I want to fix this. I want Jake.”
“Okay, so how about you call him and see if he’s willing to talk?”
I rustle around my bed until I find my phone buried under my pillow, dead. Great . As I plug it into the charger, it turns on and a ton of notifications pop up on my screen.
Nine missed calls from Jake. Fifteen unread texts.
“Shit.”
“What?”
“He called me last night.” We both look at my phone as if it’s a foreign object. I press Play on the first voice mail.
“Ness”—the crack in Jake’s voice pulls at my heart—“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you at the park, I should’ve stayed and fought for our relationship. I’m…I’m an idiot, okay? I don’t know how to fix this, but please, please call me back.”
I hit Play on the next voice mail.
“Hey, I know I just called and this probably sounds pathetic, but I need to talk to you. I need you in my life. I want you in my life. Just tell me what to do to fix this, and I’ll do it. Vanessa, please pick up.”
As each voice mail goes on, my heart breaks even more at every apology. Eventually his words start to slur and there’s loud music behind his voice.I decide to delete the rest, I don’t need to listen to any more to realize how wrong I was last night. I need to make this right.
As I rummage through my drawers, I look back at Sydney, who is studying the texts on my phone.
“Do you think he’s going to forgive me?”
“Well, based on these”—she shakes my phone in her hand— “I’m sure he’s willing to give you another shot. This boy is so in love with you.”
My heart warms at the thought. It’s time to end the self-sabotaging cycle.
“I think I’m in love with him too.”
Her eyes go wide at that four-letter word. “Did you—did you just admit to loving Jake?”
I look at her and nod my head.
“ Oh my god. I need to document this. What day is it?” She gets up from her spot on my bed, now standing on my mattress. “Ladies and gentlemen, Vanessa Nichols is FINALLY in love!” She acts as if she’s shouting this from a rooftop and not from my bedroom.
I let out a breath and quickly look over myself. I have on Jake’s BCU Wolves hoodie that I stole weeks ago and a pair of leggings—not the sexiest thing in the world, but I don’t care.
“Is my face still puffy?”
“You look fine, now get your ass moving and go get your man back!”
I head to the hallway closet to grab a pair of Converse. As I slip them on, we hear sleet hitting our windows, quite hard.
“Here.” Sydney grabs her car keys off the table in the hallway and tosses them to me. “Take it as long as you need. Knowing Jake, I’m sure you’re about to have some crazy makeup sex.”
“Thank you.” I smack a kiss on her head.“And thank you for being such an amazing friend and dealing with my crap.”
“No need to thank me, I love you like a sister. Just make sure to give me all the dirty details when you get home!” she calls out as I race out the door.
I sped out of our parking lot, not wanting to waste any more time. I’ve already let more than twelve hours pass, and I don’t want to wait any longer. I don’t expect Jake to forgive me right away, but I’ll do everything in my power to make this right.
The rain lightens up and the big raindrops turn into giant snowflakes as I park in front of Jake’s brownstone.
I lock the door behind me as I make my way to the stairs of Jake’s place. As I’m about to turn the handle, Maddie comes barreling out.
What the hell?
I stumble back onto the porch, allowing Maddie to stand outside with me. I take note of what she’s wearing, or what little she’s wearing. She’s in a black T-shirt that goes past her hips and a pair of plaid boxers peek out from underneath, exposing her pale legs.
“Maddie, what are you doing here?”
“It’s a long story but…” She looks over her shoulder, looking into the open entryway behind her. “Ness, let’s go home, okay?”
Kieran appears behind her, his tattooed arms crossed around his bare chest and his sweats hanging low.
Oh. I think I get it now. All those secret glances and late nights—all the puzzle pieces are finally fitting together. I want to ask Maddie a million questions, but I can do that later.
Priorities.
“Can this wait till later? I need to talk to Jake. I made a mistake and I need to apologize. I’ll fill you in later, I promise. But this is really important.”
“Vanessa, it might be better if you come back tomorrow. He’s not…in a good mindset right now.” Kieran moves next to Maddie, his body blocking my path.
Hearing that makes my heart ache more. I did this. I’m the one who broke his heart and left him shattered in pieces for his friends to pick up. I can only imagine what the boys must think of me.
“I said some things that I didn’t mean and he…he needs to know how I really feel.” I look up at him, but his features are stone cold. He’s like a damn robot. “Kieran, please ?”
He sighs and uncrosses his arms, giving Maddie a sorrowful look. They’re silently communicating, and I hate that I can’t read their minds. Reluctantly, Kieran moves aside, allowing me access into the house.I make my way through the living room, ready to spill my feelings to Jake. I’m ready to tell him that I was stupid and wrong, and that I love him. I just really hope he forgives me.
My feet pause when I hear a familiar female voice coming from the kitchen.
I know this voice.
My stomach immediately sinks. I retreat my steps back and that’s when I see Caroline sitting on the counter wearing one of Jake’s faded T-shirts. My eyes scan back and forth between her and the shirtless man standing in front of her. Jake.
No. No, no, no, no. Please, tell me I’m hallucinating.
The floor creaks beneath my feet, gaining Caroline’s attention. She looks at me over Jake’s shoulder as I stand in the archway, frozen in place.
Move. Run. Do something besides standing here like a complete idiot.
Caroline’s face immediately changes from a lighthearted expression to horror. My stomach feels like there’s acid shooting up my esophagus.
Jake takes notice of her shift and turns around, eyes going wide when they land on me.He wasn’t expecting me to come here. For a second, I can read him like a book— he realized he just got caught . His face immediately hardens, turning into something more stoic, cold, unloving.
I desperately try to hold back the tears that are stinging my eyes. Here I was, coming over to apologize and tell him that I made a mistake and I’m sorry for hurting him. I was ready to tell him that I love him, and he’s shirtless in his kitchen with another girl, only hours after we’ve broken up.I didn’t think he was capable of doing something so malicious.
Caroline hops off the counter, making her way to the door. “I’m gonna go.” She slips by me, not making eye contact on the way out.
My body finally defrosts and I’m able to feel my legs once again. In a second, I’m across the kitchen, standing in front of Jake who refuses to make eye contact with me.My neck cranes up to take him in. Normally I would be fawning over his messy curls and stubble, but right now I’m feeling too many emotions. Anger. Betrayal. Disgust. Hurt.
I know I was in the wrong last night, but how the hell did we get here? How could his feelings change in the blink of an eye? Last night he was calling, begging for me to see him—to work things out.And somehow, in the span of a few hours, he was able to move on. If his feelings could change this quickly, were they ever real?
My stomach feels like it’s being repeatedly kicked in.
“Did you hook up with Caroline last night? Be honest.” I blink back the tears that won’t stop forming.
Jake keeps his gaze fixed on the cabinets on the wall behind me, refusing to meet my eyes.
“We broke up yesterday, Jake. Yesterday. ” I move to stand directly in front of him, but he still refuses to look me in my eyes.“You have nothing to say all of a sudden?” I ask him, hoping to get something out of him. Anything. It’s like he doesn’t care that he’s shattering my heart into a million pieces.
“I listened to your voice mails. I-I came here to tell you that I’m sorry. That I was wrong for pushing you away and that I…” I swallow the words he doesn’t deserve to hear. “I was going to beg you to forgive me and give me another chance but…” The words feel like fire on my tongue.
I can’t believe I came over here ready to ask for his forgiveness. What would’ve happened if I didn’t show up this morning and decided to talk to him later? Would he have told me he slept with someone else, or would he keep it as his own dirty little secret?
“Never mind.”
I turn to leave, and I only take a couple of steps before his voice finally breaks.
“ You broke up with me, remember? What the hell did you expect me to do?”
I turn on my heel, hot tears streaking my cheeks. “I didn’t expect you to fuck someone the same night!”
He stands before me, face stern and unmoving. “You’re the one who broke things off, Vanessa. You said our relationship wasn’t working and you wished we never got together. You were worried that I’d revert back to old ways, and I guess you were right.”
Those stupid words I said to Jake last night get thrown in my face like an insult.
I wipe the tears away from my eyes and try to stand tall, although I’m nothing compared to Jake’s tall stature. “You’re right, it is my fault. I shouldn’t have come here. I should’ve just left everything as it was.”
This time when I turn to leave, Jake stays silent. And somehow, his silence slices into me deeper than his words. My biggest fear came to fruition. He doesn’t care about me. I don’t know if he ever did. I never should’ve opened my heart up to him. I should’ve kept him at arm’s length and I never should’ve agreed to be anything with Jake Shepherd. Because here I am, once again, caring about someone who doesn’t give a fuck about me.
This is why I don’t believe in love.
JAKE
I lean back against the counter as I hear the front door slam.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck me.
What the hell was Vanessa doing here?Last night she made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with our relationship, and then she shows up unannounced, wanting to get back together. I’ve never been more confused in my entire life.
It takes only a matter of seconds for Maddie to steamroll through the room, smacking me upside the head as she yells, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Yeah, I should’ve seen that one coming.
She didn’t smack me hard, but hard enough to rattle my already throbbing head. I think I might be done with whiskey for a while.
“Well? Are you going to say anything or are you just going to stand there with your dick in your hands?” Why does Maddie always say the most out of pocket shit? “Why did Vanessa run out of here bawling her eyes out? What the hell did you do?”
I did what was best for both of us.I bet she only came here to apologize and ask to be friends for the sake of the team. I didn’t need to listen to her pity apology. She probably wanted to cover her tracks and make sure things could remain professional between us. I guess I kind of fucked that up, but whatever, it’s for the best.
“I’m sure you’re smart enough to put two and two together, Maddie.”
“Hey, watch it.” Kieran walks into the room, standing firm behind Maddie.
Memories from last night come flooding back.I remember being absolutely plastered to the point where Caroline had to get us a ride home. I didn’t know she called Kieran until he and Maddie showed up. They were both dressed in Kieran’s sweats, and I connected the dots from there.
“I told Vanessa I fucked Caroline.” I walk over to the fridge, grabbing the cream so I can make myself a coffee and hopefully get the fuck out of this conversation. But by the sound of her gasp, I don’t think I’ll be so lucky.
As I turn around to turn on the coffee maker, I notice the daggers that Maddie is throwing at me. For a split second I think she’s about to smack me again, but instead she rolls her eyes at me.
“Guys are such idiots. What the hell is wrong with you, Shepherd?”
I groan, running my right hand through my hair. Hangovers and arguments don’t go well together. “What do you want from me, Maddie?”
“I want you to tell the truth because I know for a fact that you didn’t sleep with Caroline. At least not last night. The two of you were in no shape to walk to the car let alone sleep with each other. So, you better tell me why the fuck you just lied and broke my best friend’s heart, or else I’ll kick you so hard in the balls that you’ll feel them in your throat.”
I look down at her, the small pale body that’s barely covered by Kieran’s T-shirt. This five-foot-five girl could kill me in a second, I don’t doubt it.Maddie may be a little unhinged, but it’s fueled by her love for her friends. Kieran picked a good one.
“Vanessa broke up with me last night.”
Her harsh exterior changes immediately. She had no idea.
“Wha—”
I decide to answer her question before she finishes her sentence. “Vanessa decided that she no longer wanted to be a part of my life and our relationship was a mistake.” I pour the cream into my mug and stir, “She said that we never thought about our future and we were living in a fairy tale, whatever the fuck that means.”
The coffee pot starts brewing and the kitchen starts to fill with a robust aroma. I really fucking need this.
“Oh shit.” Maddie puts her head in her hands, shaking it in disapproval.
“What, Vanessa didn’t run this by the groupchat first?”
“When we had our girls’ night, she told me and Syd that she’s scared things aren’t serious enough between the two of you. She has it in her head that when you move away you’ll regret being with her. She’s scared that since you two will constantly be in different places, you’ll be around all your hockey buddies and temptation isn’t easy to turn down.”
Fuck. Why didn’t she tell me this last night instead of breaking things off? If I had known she was scared, I would’ve done everything I could to make her feel safe.
“She told us that she was going out to talk to you last night, but I didn’t think she was going to break things off. It doesn’t make any sense, that girl loves yo—” Maddie stops herself.
The word is ringing in my ears, so I push, “She what?”
Maddie sighs, realizing her mistake. “Vanessa loves you, Jake. I could tell the moment she came back from Cape Cod that she was in love, even if she wouldn’t admit it.”
“Did she say something to you?”
“Well…no. But you know Vanessa. I’d be surprised if she ever said the word out loud. She has a whole mess of trauma and yet…” She pauses for a second, carefully choosing her next words. “And yet she still chose you. In the three years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her this head over heels for a guy. She messed up because she was scared.”
And I fucked it all up.How didn’t I notice this?This entire time, she’s felt the exact same way as me, and I was too damn blind to see it. I need to fix this.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit. ” I start pacing around the kitchen, trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to fix this. I turn back to face Maddie. “I didn’t sleep with Caroline. I-I just said that to make her feel how I felt last night. I’m such a fucking idiot.”
“We already knew that, buddy,” Kieran chimes in again, now more relaxed than he was earlier.
“Maddie, what the hell do I do? I really fucked up.”
She bites her bottom lip. “I think you’ll need to give her some space. If she thinks that you hooked up with Caroline, there’s no way in hell she’ll want to see you or talk to you. Let me go home and I’ll see if she’ll talk to me.” She pats my arm before heading out of the kitchen, stopping in the archway. “Jake, I’m not saying this to make you feel worse than you already do, but you might have to come to terms with the fact she might never forgive you.”
The truth hurts, but if she chooses to never forgive me, I deserve it. The coffee pot beeps, but I don’t think I need coffee anymore.I take a seat at the kitchen table, a million and one thoughts racing through my head.
“I’ve royally fucked this one, didn’t I?”
Kieran pulls out the chair next to me, sitting down. “I mean, I personally wouldn’t tell someone that I fucked someone else the same night we broke up, but I guess we all do things differently.”
Fuck, I can’t lose her.
Kieran clasps his hand on my shoulder, “Don’t worry about it. Maddie’s gonna talk to her and I’m sure everything will be fine.”
Something deep inside has me feeling otherwise.