Chapter 21
Amy
I’m on a dopamine high of shopping and this is only the second store we’ve gone to. But looking around this store and seeing all the possibilities makes my heart race. I have to keep myself calm so my thoughts don’t race off and overstimulate me.
It’s quiet in the store, which I’m thankful for. Liam and Jack stay outside, leaving me alone with Ke—, I mean Mr. Alasdair. His hand is still on my lower back as we enter the department store, which I have mixed feelings about.
I’m starting to see why Jack, Liam, and Mr. Alasdair call themselves brothers.
They bicker and joke around like they are, and tease each other relentlessly.
Jack is a bit more reserved and less talkative with me, but still really nice.
Liam, on the other hand, has no problem talking my ear off. It’s kind of a relief, honestly.
But now I’m alone with Alasdair in this fancy store, and I’m reminded why I find him so intimidating. He looks around like it’s his domain, and I can see why, since he could buy the whole store out if he wanted to. Anything in this store can be his with a simple swipe of a card.
His eyes fall on a section of men’s wear, mainly suits, and he gives my arm a little squeeze.
“I’m going to look over there. Go have fun, pick out whatever you want.
Shoes, purses, clothes, whatever. Find me if you need anything, leannán, but enjoy yourself, all right?
” He leans in and pecks my cheek with a kiss, leaving me stunned.
Before I can even reply, he walks off, and I watch him weave his way through the store, able to see his taller form over the racks of clothes and display shelves.
I lift my hand to touch the skin he kissed.
That should not have felt as intimate as it did.
Now my entire body feels hot, a tingle running down my spine and straight into my panties.
That man is way too damn hot for his own good.
And for my good, too. If I was misunderstanding the whole shopping thing, could I be misunderstanding other things, too?
Like maybe his lack of desire and attraction to me? Could I be assuming things incorrectly?
I exhale slowly and look around, feeling a bit lost. How is it that being left alone in a place like this is more intimidating than being around him? I’ve let my guard down around him, enough to trust him to take care of me and keep me safe, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Being out in public alone has always been a little unnerving for me, but I manage to push through.
But doing it since the whole…situation with my grandfather feels like an entirely different thing.
My eyes have been opened to the darkness and danger of the world, with evil lurking around every corner.
I suppose that’s my grandfather’s intention, but instead of hardening me to prepare me for my future life with Alasdair, I just feel weaker and more vulnerable.
Everyone says “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” but I’m not so sure trauma works like that.
It leaves you scarred and trembling, with phantom pains and fears that may never go away.
I’m looking at this store like it has the potential to become a warzone, when before I just had to worry about it being too loud or busy.
I’m not stronger, I’m more frayed and terrified. And I feel like that makes me weaker.
I turn around to see Jack and Liam sitting outside the front doors of the store, sipping on boba teas they must have gotten from nearby.
Jack gives me an encouraging nod, and Liam grins and gives a big thumbs-up.
It makes me chuckle, enough so that I break out of the spiraling thoughts I’ve fallen into.
I take a deep breath and turn around, walking through the sections of clothes to find the shoe section.
It doesn’t take me long. It’s a fairly large section on the back wall of the shop, with dozens of colors in all shapes and sizes of feminine shoes on display.
I walk through them, looking for any that might suit me.
Most of them are high heels, which I don’t regularly wear but may need now that I’m frequenting fancier places.
I wince at the prices. The cheapest ones are on sale for a hundred and fifty dollars.
I’d say it’s ridiculous, but considering we're on fifth avenue, it makes sense. Besides, they are really nice shoes. Obviously good quality and pretty. If I was paying for it, then I would’ve run from this store the moment I spied the first price tag.
Most of the shoes that aren’t on clearance don’t even have a price tag on them. Wild.
There’s a row of pretty boots on the top of some wooden shelves, far out of reach.
They’re leather, and I admit, I’ve always wanted boots like that.
They're just usually way too expensive. These are probably the best quality boots like this I’ve seen.
The leather craftsmanship looks great and even the laces and zippers look like real metal.
If I’d ever let someone pay for something for me, this would be a good choice. And maybe a pair of heels, too.
I see a sale’s clerk coming around the corner, so I take a deep breath and wave her down.
I usually hate bothering people like this, but I know I’d be more of a trouble trying to get the boots down myself.
I give her a friendly smile. “Hi. I was wondering if you could get a pair of those boots down for me, please? Size 8.”
Her eyes narrow, and she looks me up and down.
The same scrutinizing look that I got at the boutiques at the hotel.
They just know I don’t have pure gold rushing through my veins like their other customers.
“I’m sorry, but I think you misunderstand.
” She has a polite customer service smile and voice on, but there’s an underlying tone of ice.
“We have a wonderful selection of clearance items over here. But those are full price.”
Her words feel like a punch to the gut, and I wince.
“Yeah, I know. I’m still interested in those boots, though.
” I take a deep breath, trying my best not to shrink down.
I want to advocate for myself. I have every right to be here as anyone else, and I can afford to get these, thanks to Alasdair, but still.
She doesn’t need to know my situation or who’s paying, just that they are getting paid for, and I want them.
She flattens her lips into a thin line. “Ma’am, it’s a lot of work for me to go get those down. I have to get a stool, a tool to help me reach them…it’s a whole thing. And if they aren’t size 8, then I’d have to go to the back to get them.”
She clearly doesn’t want to help me. “Um. Okay. So, it’s too much to ask for that?”
“Afraid so.” She gives me a fake smile, her eyes crinkling at the edges. Not in warmth, but straining, as if it’s difficult for her to force herself to smile.
I take a deep breath, feeling the urge to leave the store and go sit with Jack and Liam as my cheeks heat.
“All right. Thanks anyway.” I’m not sure what else to say, since I’ve never been in a predicament like this before.
What do you say to someone who is refusing you service? Just…bye? Thanks for nothing?
She nods and walks past me to another grouping of customers. I chew on my cheek. I got over the feeling of being out of place, but now it came back tenfold, making me want to crawl out of my skin and leave it behind.
I wander a bit, looking at the clothes, knowing not much is going to fit me.
I don’t really check. I feel so out of place it hurts.
Instead, I go find the home decor section and wander around that.
I find a stool and sit down on it, surrounded by lamps, towels, and kitchenware.
I don’t really have a home to decorate, so it’s just window shopping.
My room at my mom’s is small and I can’t put nails in the walls since we’re renting.
Although, I suppose I may have a new home with Alasdair, but I’m guessing that’s in Ireland. It’s probably already decorated the way he likes it, too. It won’t be mine. I’m going to be out of place there, too, aren’t I? Living in someone else’s home and just adjusting to everyone else around me.
I had been looking forward to getting my own place someday, decorating it the way I want and having a space where I could just…
be. Where I can freely take up space without apologizing or having to adjust to anyone else.
It was a hope I used to hold onto. Now, I might not have it.
I may be experiencing this sort of thing for the rest of my life, of being an imposter forced to walk among the rich.
I feel silly for even trying, although I don’t have much of a choice.
“What are you doing over here?” Alasdair’s voice pulls me from my thoughts as he approaches, a few articles of clothing in his arms. “Does the sales associate already have your things at the cash register, leannán?”
I’d like to tell him the truth, that I’m not welcome in his world. But I really just want to leave here and not make a stink. The sooner I come to accept that this isn’t for me, the sooner we can move on and things will get better. “Oh, I didn’t really find anything.”
The frown that forms on his face makes my stomach twist a little. I don’t want to trouble him, but I know it’ll only upset him more to tell the truth. “Nothing? They don’t have a single pair of shoes you like? What about clothes? Makeup?”
I shake my head and shrug. “It’s…not really my style in here.”
He narrows his eyes and looks at my clothes. My sweater isn’t the most glamorous thing in the world, but it’s nice and I like it. It’s me. That being said, it isn’t the most uncommon of styles, either. A lot of the clothes are of a similar type here.
He holds out his hand to me. “Come. Let’s look together.”