Chapter Four
Milly
I stayed in my room all night Wednesday, all day Thursday, and most of today. I have a session with Grayson at three, and the ceremony at six. I’m bringing my dress with me, but I don’t know what to expect.
Molly has been lying in bed since I got home on Wednesday. She doesn’t say anything or get up. She just stares at the wall or sleeps. She doesn’t even blink when I talk to her. I don’t understand what’s going on with her, but it’s like she’s ignoring me. She never does that.
I am sipping water as I stand at the kitchen table. I’m so fucking nervous for today that I’m nauseous.
I feel hands on my waist, but don’t get to turn around before I am pushed over the table. “Greg, let me up,” I snap at him. “Mom!”
“She’s not home,” he laughs as he pulls my dress up. “I’ve always wanted to take you like this.”
“Greg, stop! Let go of me!” I panic. “Stop it!”
He ignores my pleas and yanks my panties down. “Greg! Please stop. Please. Stop it. Don’t.”
“Oh, shut up,” he grunts before spitting into his palm a few times and jerking himself off to spread his saliva over his dick.
I am sobbing by the time he forces his dick inside of me.
It’s like someone has dumped cold water on my head, because I freeze.
I stop fighting. I stop begging him to stop.
I lie across the table and stare at the refrigerator as he forcefully fucks me.
I’m so confused and I can’t tell what’s real.
“Come on. Cry for Daddy,” he moans. “Fuck, I love this cunt. You’re mine, Milly.”
I feel like I am separate from my body, watching from the outside. I don’t even recognize myself right now.
I’m suddenly alone. How much time has passed?
I jump up from the table, and my panties are around my ankles.
That disgusting sticky feeling is dripping down my inner thighs.
I step out of my underwear before practically running to the bathroom.
I’m running late, and I’m never late to see Grayson.
I clean up the mess as quickly as I can, but opt to leave without new panties.
I choose to push aside what Greg did and just focus on driving. I won’t cry. I won’t say anything.
By the time I get to The Dove Institute, I am crying. My eyes are red and puffy. I grab my bags and jump out so I can run inside. People look at me like I’m insane, but I don’t stop. If I do, I might use it.
Use what?
I’m so confused.
Oh, right. I brought it.
Why?
Because Grayson will stop me.
He will help me.
He always helps me.
When I get to his office, I throw the door open, and it slams against the wall. The noise scares me, but not as much as the other man in the room who forces more tears down my cheeks.
“Milly,” Grayson says as he sets his tablet down and slowly steps toward me.
“I’m sorry,” I cry. “I’m late. I’m never late. I didn’t mean…”
“It’s okay, Milly. I really need you to put that knife down, okay?” Grayson says calmly. “This is my friend Adam. Can he take it from you so we can talk?”
“What? I don’t…”
I look at my hand, and it’s wrapped around a kitchen knife. I immediately drop it and jump back. It’s covered in blood. I look down at my shirt, and I’m covered in it.
“Blood. There’s blood. Whose blood? What did I do?
I didn’t mean to. I just wanted him to stop.
” I am panicking, nearly hyperventilating.
I can’t bring myself down. I can’t ground myself.
I can’t make it stop. There’s so much blood.
I repeat myself over and over again, but my words get trapped in my throat when Grayson grabs my face and pulls me against his chest.
“Milly. There is no blood. You hear me? Focus on my voice, Milly. There is no blood. You haven’t hurt anyone. Okay? You are safe. Everyone is safe,” Grayson says. “Close your eyes and take a deep breath for me.”
I nod and close my eyes so I can take a long, deep breath in through my nose and slowly blow it out of my mouth. I match my breathing to his, and he breathes slowly and deeply with me.
“Good girl. Come sit with me. Okay?” Grayson says.
“Okay,” I whisper.
“Adam is going to stay here with us, but you can trust him. Okay? He is my friend.”
“Alright,” I say a bit louder.
Grayson places me on the couch and sits on the ottoman in front of me. I am looking down at my hands, and I feel like an idiot.
“Let’s start simple, okay?” Grayson says, and I nod. “What initially triggered you? Where did it begin?”
“Greg… he uh… I didn’t know he was home,” I say tearfully.
“Milly, look at me,” Grayson says. I look up, and I am hardly hanging on. “What did he do?”
“He raped me,” I whimper. “I’m so confused… I… Why would he do that?” I ask as I start crying again.
“What happened?” he asks.
“I uh… I was in the kitchen getting some water. I didn’t know he was home until he pushed me over the table.
I was yelling at him to let me up, but he wouldn’t.
But… I just shut down. The moment he started, it was like my brain stopped working.
I felt like I was watching someone else get raped.
It didn’t feel like it was me. It was like when… ”
I stop talking before I say it. It doesn’t make sense and just leaves me with more questions.
“When? What?” Grayson asks softly.
“Nothing,” I say, shaking my head. “Am I too late for the… thing? The therapy thing?”
“No, we can do it still,” he says. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“Alright,” he says. “Lie down and close your eyes. Just get comfortable.”
I move to lie on the couch with my legs stretched out. The other man, Adam, is still by the door, keeping his distance from me. I close my eyes and try to relax.
“Hold these,” Grayson says, before placing two objects in my hands. They’re like sticks with buttons on the ends. I rest my thumbs on them and wait.
“Okay, Milly. I want you to remember that you are safe. No matter what you say—what your brain makes you feel—you are safe. Okay? If you doubt that at all, open your eyes and look at me,” Grayson tells me.
“Okay,” I say.
“Take me back to the day your father died. Start with what you were doing before and go through the events.”
“Uh…” I say, letting myself think about that day. “I was ten years old. The next day was my eleventh birthday. I was sitting in my room with my Barbie dolls. I was playing house with them. Mom was at work. Dad was… I don’t know. He wasn’t there, but then he was… He was mad…”
“What was he mad at, Milly?” Grayson asks.
“Me,” I whisper. “He was mad at me.”
“What did he say to you? What were his exact words?”
“He told Molly…”
“You, Milly. What did he say to you? You were playing house with your dolls. Did he come into your room?”
“Yeah,” I say. “He…”
I try to go through everything step by step, but it doesn’t make sense. “Milly. What did he say?”
“He…” I start to say, but choke on tears. “You ruined everything. Why are you so tempting?”
“What happened next?” Grayson pushes. “What did he say next?”
“No one can know. I’m sorry. No one can know,” I say tearfully. I press the buttons down when the memories start to untangle, and the devices hum in my hands. The vibrations are distracting, but they help. I focus on how it makes my hands tingle, and I can focus again.
“What can’t they know, Milly? What is he apologizing for?” Grayson asks.
“I… I don’t know,” I admit. “He said it can’t live. It…”
“Keep going.”
“He’s screaming and pacing. I’m on the bed. My belly hurts,” I say quietly.
“Back up, Milly. What happened to your belly?” Grayson asks. “He said it can’t live… What can’t live?”
“Me? Molly? I don’t know… He kicked me… It hurt…”
Thinking about this pain drags my brain back into that harrowing day when the entire course of my life changed.
“Daddy!” I scream through tears. His foot hits me in the belly, and I scream again. “Ow. Please!”
“I have to get rid of it. If it’s gone, they won’t know.
They can’t know. Why did you do this to me, Milly?
This is your fault,” he screams at me. I scream once more when he grabs me by the hair and drags me onto my bed.
He’s going to do it again. I hate when he does this.
It hurts, but he tells me that that’s how little girls show their love…
But he doesn’t do it… Why does he have a gun? I’m crying so hard that I can’t breathe. He presses it to my belly, and he’s screaming something at me, but everything goes quiet when a loud pop makes my ears ring.
I stare at my favorite spot on the ceiling and wonder when Mommy will be home. Am I dying? He said if anyone ever found out how much he loves me, we would die. Maybe someone found out, and now he is sad.
“Milly!” Mommy screams. I force my eyes open and see Mommy. She screams something at Daddy, but then he puts the end of the gun in his mouth. Why is he…
One by one, the memories stab through me. I don’t believe it, but I don’t have a choice. It’s the truth.
“Milly? Milly, listen to me. Listen to my voice, honey,” I hear Grayson call out to me. I am stuck in that room with a man without half of his face. Everything is bloodied and mangled. My belly hurts. Mom is crying on the phone.
Molly isn’t here.
She never was.
Greg wasn’t abusing my sister, because I don’t have one.
If she never existed… Then it was me. I am the one he lies on top of most nights.
I am the one he leaves a sticky mess on when he is done.
I told Mom over and over that Molly was the one Greg was raping.
Of course, she didn’t believe me. Molly isn’t fucking real.
The girl who kept me company at night when the world got too heavy…
She was never there. I was always alone, and now I don’t even have her.
“I don’t know what to do. She won’t survive inpatient care,” I hear Grayson say.
“Fuck the rules, Grayson. Hold her,” Adam says.