Chapter 11
Eleven
Joy
I'm watching, nervousness gnawing at my stomach as Alana opens the bag I gave her.
We've been up for a few hours, and she's been playing with the gifts that Santa gave her, and a couple that Winter slipped in, but now it's time for her to open what I made her.
I've never done handmade gifts before. My family was always about how much money we could spend on each other, and in the end those gifts were personalized, they didn't mean much to any of us.
This one. This one I hope she'll remember.
She's opening the bag, taking the paper out with precision, holding her lip in between her teeth. "Be careful," I tell her, hoping she doesn't grab the cardboard, and accidentally rip it.
When she gets the paper out, she looks down, and then up. Her mouth is open and her eyes are wide. "Joy, is it a crown?"
"Yes," I laugh. "A crown for a princess." Hopefully she doesn't realize that princesses normally have tiaras
"Oh my gosh, I love it. Dad, look how much it glitters. It's amazing."
She puts it on, and runs out into the lobby, telling anyone who will listen she's got a new crown. I'm so happy it causes tears to pool in my eyes.
"You're going to be her new favorite person," he whispers as he watches her run off.
My stomach tumbles as I think about him having to tell her that I'm gone the day after tomorrow.
It hurts way more than it should, and in the moment I want to tell him I'm never going anywhere again, but the fear of making a decision stops me.
"She'll get another one soon enough. Aren't you always her favorite person? "
He laughs. "Not always. I'm the one who has to play good cop and bad cop all the time."
"That must be hard." I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in his situation.
A lock of his hair falls in front of his face, and I reach over to push it out when he answers. "It is, but I knew what I was getting into. I wouldn't have changed anything. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me." He adds on a soft whisper. "Besides you."
I close my eyes and swallow roughly. "Winter, I..."
A finger presses against my lips. "Don't say anything. I have something for you."
"You shouldn't have, I wasn't able to make you a crown before you interrupted me," I smile, chuckling when he opens his mouth in shock.
"I would've loved a crown."
"I know."
My stomach is nervous as I wait to see what he's gotten me.
My stomach is nervous as I wait to see what he's gotten me.
He disappears into his office behind the front desk, and I can hear him moving things around.
When he comes back, he's holding a small wrapped box, the paper covered in silver snowflakes against a dark blue background.
It's beautiful, and he's clearly upped his wrapping game.
"I didn't know if I'd ever get the chance to give this to you," he says quietly, handing it to me.
His fingers brush against mine, and the touch sends electricity up my arm.
"I bought it a few months ago. I saw it and thought of you, and I couldn't not buy it.
I don't know what I thought was going to happen with it, but I kept telling myself I did it for old times sake. "
My hands shake as I take the box from him. "Winter, you really didn't have to…"
"When you showed up in the ditch, I knew I had to." His eyes are so intense, so full of something I'm afraid to name. "Please, just open it."
I sit down on the couch near the fireplace, the one where we've spent so much time over the past few days. He sits next to me, close enough that our knees touch. I can feel the heat of his body, smell the pine and cedar scent that clings to him from working around the lodge.
Carefully, I unwrap the paper, trying not to tear it even though I know that's silly. Inside is a white box, plain and simple. I lift the lid, and my breath catches in my throat.
It's a snow globe.
Not just any snow globe, but one that looks exactly like the ones Winter used to give me when we were teenagers.
Inside is a tiny scene of a couple ice skating on a frozen pond, surrounded by snow-covered pine trees.
The base is made of dark wood, and there's a small brass plaque that reads "Pine Ridge - Where Love Comes Home. "
My vision blurs immediately, tears filling my eyes so fast I can barely see.
"Do you remember?" Winter's voice is soft, almost silent, it's so hoarse. "I gave you your first one on our six-month anniversary. You said you'd never gotten something so thoughtful before."
I do remember. I remember every single one he gave me.
There was the one with the couple dancing, the one with the Christmas village, the one with two people sitting under a tree.
I kept them all on a shelf in my bedroom, and when I left, I packed them carefully in a box.
They're still sitting in my apartment in Indianapolis, wrapped in newspaper, tucked away in my closet because I couldn't bear to look at them but couldn't bear to throw them away either.
"I remember," I whisper, my voice breaking as the memories wash over me. "I remember all of them."
"I stopped at seven," he continues, and I can hear the emotion in his voice too. "The number we'd gotten to before you left. I always wondered what the eighth one would have been."
A sob escapes my throat before I can stop it. "Winter..."
"Hey, hey, it's okay." He sets the snow globe carefully on the coffee table and pulls me into his arms. I go willingly, burying my face in his chest as the tears come harder. "I didn't mean to make you cry."
"It's not…" I can't even finish the sentence.
My body shakes, years of regret and longing and loss pouring out of me.
His hand rubs circles on my back, the same way he used to when we were young and I was upset about my parents not understanding me, or after he got out of juvie that one time he stole a car.
"I kept them all," I finally manage to say, my words muffled against his shirt. "Every single one you gave me. They're in my apartment. I look at the box sometimes and wonder what my life would be like if I'd stayed."
His arms tighten around me. "Joy..."
"I was so stupid." The words pour out of me now, ten years of them building up and finally breaking free.
"I thought I needed to leave to become someone, to matter.
My parents were so focused on success and money and status, and I believed them when they said Pine Ridge would hold me back.
That you would hold me back. You'd been in trouble, and it scared me.
Us being so serious scared me. It all did," I try to explain.
"You weren't stupid," Winter says firmly, pulling back enough to look at my face. He cups my cheek with one hand, his rough thumb wiping away my tears. "You were eighteen and trying to figure out who you were. We both were."
"But I hurt you. I left you, and I hurt you, and I've regretted it almost every single day since.
" I hiccup, trying to catch my breath. "Every relationship I've had since has failed because they weren't you.
There weren't many," I scoff. "But they failed.
Every accomplishment felt empty because you weren't there to share it with.
I built this whole life that looked perfect on paper, and it's been so lonely, Winter. So unbelievably lonely."
He doesn't say anything for a long moment, just holds me, his forehead pressed against mine. I can feel his breath on my face, warm and steady.
"I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt," he finally says, his voice low and full of pain.
"It did. It hurt so much I thought I wouldn't make it to the next day.
But Joy, you needed to go. You needed to see what else was out there, to become who you were meant to be.
I understood that, even if it killed me to watch you leave. "
"Did you really?" I pull back to look at him, searching his face. "Did you really understand, or are you just saying that to make me feel better?"
He's quiet, considering. "Both, maybe. I understood it with my head, but my heart?
My heart was broken for a long time. But I also knew I couldn't ask you to stay.
That wouldn't have been fair to either of us.
Now that I'm a parent, I understand things better than I did back then.
You would have resented me eventually, wondered what you'd missed out on. "
"I don't think I would have," I whisper, the honesty slipping out. "I think I would have been happy. I think we would have built a beautiful life together."
"Maybe, but I wouldn't have Alana if we did." He smiles sadly. "Or maybe we needed these ten years to become the people we are now. Maybe we weren't ready for forever when we were eighteen."
I pick up the snow globe, holding it carefully in my hands. I shake it gently, watching the snow swirl around the tiny ice skaters. "What does this one mean?" I ask. "What were you thinking when you bought it?"
Winter is quiet for so long I think he might not answer.
When he does, his voice is rough with emotion.
"I was thinking that maybe, somehow, love finds its way back home.
That maybe the story doesn't always end when someone leaves.
Sometimes it just pauses, waiting for the right moment to reignite.
Which is why they're skating together. Maybe they needed each other in the end. "
My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. "Winter..."
"I'm not asking you for anything," he says quickly, his voice clear and strong.
"I know you have a life in Indianapolis, a job, an apartment.
I know you're probably leaving tomorrow.
This isn't me trying to pressure you or make you feel guilty.
I just wanted you to know that what we had?
It mattered. It still matters. At least to me. "