Chapter 11 #2
"It matters to me too," I tell him, my voice shaking. "It's always mattered. I thought about coming back a few times. I just didn't know how to come back. I didn't know if you'd want me to, after everything."
"Joy, I…"
Whatever he's about to say is cut off by the sound of running feet. We pull apart just as Alana comes racing back into the lobby, her crown slightly jostled on her head, her cheeks flushed with excitement.
"Joy! Joy! Carol says my crown is the prettiest one she's ever seen!" She stops in front of us, then notices my face. Her expression immediately changes to concern. "Why are you crying? Did Dad say something mean? Sometimes he makes me cry, too."
"No, baby, your dad didn't say anything mean," I assure her quickly, wiping at my face. "These are happy tears. Your dad gave me a present, and it made me really happy."
Alana's eyes light up as she notices the snow globe on the table. "Oh, it's so pretty! Can I see? I love snow globes."
I glance at Winter, who nods. Carefully, I hand the snow globe to Alana, who shakes it to make the snow fall. She gasps in delight, watching the flakes swirl around.
"It's like real snow," she breathes. "Dad, this is the best present ever."
"I'm glad you think so," Winter says, his eyes on me rather than his daughter.
Alana shakes it again, mesmerized. Then she looks up at me with those big eyes that are so much like her father's. "Joy, are you going to be here for Christmas next year? 'Cause if you are, maybe Dad can get you another one and me one too. He's really good at picking out presents."
The question hits me like a physical blow. Winter tenses beside me, and I can feel his eyes burning into the side of my face.
"I... I don't know, sweetheart," I manage to say, my voice barely steady. "I live pretty far away."
"But you could come visit, right?" Alana presses, her voice so innocent, so hopeful. "I really like having you here. You're nice, and you made me a crown. Plus, Dad smiles more when you're around."
"Alana," Winter says gently, a warning in his voice.
"What? It's true!" She looks at her father, then back at me. "You do make him smile more. And you make me happy too. So maybe you could come back? Please?"
I swallow hard, trying to keep the tears from starting again. "That's really sweet of you to say, Alana. I like being here with you too. So much."
"So you'll come back?" She asks it like it's a done deal, like all I have to do is say yes and everything will be fine.
If only it were that easy.
"We'll see," I tell her, using the universal parent phrase even though I'm not her parent. "But even if I can't be here next Christmas, I'll always remember this one. It's been really special."
Alana seems satisfied with that answer, or at least willing to accept it for now. She carefully hands the snow globe back to me, then throws her arms around my neck in an unexpected hug.
"I'm really glad you got stuck here in the snow," she whispers against my ear. "Even if it was an accident."
My arms come around her automatically, holding her close. Over her shoulder, I see Winter watching us, and the look on his face nearly undoes me all over again. It's full of hope and fear and maybe longing too. All the same things I'm feeling.
"Me too, princess," I whisper back. "Me too."
When Alana pulls away, she grins at both of us. "Can we make more cookies later? I want to make some to give to Carol and Fiona and everyone. Carol always makes them, but she left the recipe," she whispers.
"We can definitely do that," Winter says, his voice rough. He clears his throat. "But first, how about you go play with your other presents for a while? I need to talk to Joy about some boring grown-up stuff."
"Okay!" Alana runs off again, apparently satisfied, her crown bouncing on her head.
When she's gone, Winter turns to me. We sit there in silence for a long moment, the snow globe between us, everything that needs to be said hanging in the air.
"I'm sorry," he finally says. "I shouldn't have…"
"Don't apologize." I set the snow globe carefully in my lap, running my fingers over the smooth glass.
"Don't apologize for giving me the most thoughtful gift I've received in ten years.
Don't apologize for being honest about how you feel.
And definitely don't apologize for your daughter being the sweetest child I've ever met. "
"She really does like you," Winter says softly. "I haven't seen her take to someone this quickly since... well, ever, really. It even took her a few months to warm up to Fiona, and Fiona was with her all the time."
"The feeling is mutual." I look down at the snow globe, watching the last few flakes settle. "This is all so complicated, Winter."
"I know. Life is complicated."
"I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what the right choice is. I don't know how to go home to the life I've built with the life I'm realizing I actually want."
"I know," he says again. He reaches over and takes my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. "I'm not asking you to figure it all out right now. I'm just asking you to stay present, right here, for whatever time we have left. Can you do that?"
I look at our joined hands, then up at his face. He's giving me an out, a way to not have to make any big decisions or promises. He's giving me permission to just be here, in this moment, without worrying about tomorrow.
It's exactly what I need, even if it's not what I want.
What I want is to tell him I'm staying, that I'm never leaving again. What I want is to promise Alana I'll be here next Christmas and every Christmas after that. What I want is to reach over and kiss him and let myself fall completely back into everything we used to be.
But I'm terrified. Terrified of making the wrong choice again, terrified of hurting him again, terrified of upending my entire life only to fail.
So instead, I just squeeze his hand and nod, pushing tears back. "I can do that."
"Good." He brings my hand to his lips and presses a soft kiss to my knuckles. "That's all I'm asking for."
But we both know it's not all he's asking for. It's not all either of us wants.
For now, though, it's enough.
I hold the snow globe up one more time, watching the snow fall over the tiny couple skating together, forever frozen in that perfect moment.
And I can't help but wonder if Winter and I will ever get our perfect moment, or if we're destined to always be just out of reach, like the figures trapped inside the glass.