Chapter Fourteen
It was a long night. Riley didn’t get much rest. She kept dropping off and then waking suddenly with the covers all tangled around her as though she’d been fighting with them in her sleep.
In the morning, she dragged herself from bed, showered and dressed quickly. She went to wake the boys, but they were already up.
Carefully, on her own two feet, she descended the stairs. She found Josh and the boys in the kitchen.
“Morning,” said Josh from over at the stove where he was scrambling a panful of eggs. He gave her a forced smile.
“Morning.” She smiled back and had no doubt hers was as wooden as his. Then she poured herself her daily mug of coffee and got busy buttering toast and helping the boys peel mandarin oranges.
They ate. Josh herded the kids upstairs to brush their teeth and grab their packs. Then he took them to daycare.
Once they were gone, Riley filled her coffee mug again. It was a good-size mug, and she probably shouldn’t drink more than one mugful a day. But without a little help from extra coffee, she might not make it through the morning.
Josh was back too soon. He wasted no time pouring himself more coffee and joining her at the kitchen table.
Dear Lord, he looked as exhausted as she felt. She wanted to reach across the table, lay her hand on his, beg him to…
What? Give her another chance? A chance at what?
They both knew that what they had wasn’t going anywhere.
She had made that perfectly clear. They were going to be raising a child together.
And if they got lucky, someday they might move on from this awful place where he wanted everything, and she couldn’t go there. Someday, they might be friends again.
But this was not that day.
This was the day it all came crashing down.
“So,” he said and paused long enough to sip coffee. When he set down his cup, he added, “We should talk.”
She had to clear her throat before any words would come out. “Ahem. Sure. Go ahead…”
“All right, then.” He looked down into his cup as though the words he needed to say to her might somehow be written there. When he met her eyes again, he said, “I want to be clear about last night.”
“Okay…”
“Last night was beautiful. You didn’t lure me into your room.
I wanted to go there—and that means last night and every night.
I’ve loved every minute of it, of you and me, together.
And I do understand how you feel. You’ve always been honest.” He shut his eyes, drew in a slow, careful breath.
And then he continued, “But, Riley, I can’t do this anymore.
I’m way past the whole friends-with-benefits phase.
I can’t be with you every day and sometimes at night and know the whole time that it’s not going anywhere.
Not anymore, not the way I feel about you now. ”
She couldn’t bear to look in his beautiful eyes, so she tipped her head down and stared into her empty mug. This was bad. Worse than she’d ever imagined. Her heart was breaking, and the whole point had been for that not to happen.
He wasn’t finished. “I need some time to myself to…make peace with the way it’s going to be. I need to go back to my own house. If you can’t manage without me yet, we can—”
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll figure things out. It’s not your responsibility to make arrangements for me. If you don’t want to be here, you shouldn’t have to be here. I can manage on my own now. I really can.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
His broad shoulders slumped. “Okay, then. Let’s think this through.”
Think it through? At the moment, she only wanted to bury her face in her hands and cry like a baby.
He went on, “First and foremost, there are the boys to consider.”
She nodded. “I agree.” The boys—and their unborn daughter—mattered most of all.
“They should have a little time,” he said, “to get used to the idea that Shane and I won’t be staying here anymore.”
“Okay. That…makes sense.” Did it? She wasn’t sure.
“Well, then how about if we tell them tonight that you’re getting to the point where you don’t need extra help around the house? Then Shane and I will stay here until Saturday when he goes back to Lenore’s.”
“Josh. That’s not right. You said you want to go. You should just go.”
He shook his head. “I don’t think so. A few more days won’t hurt. And if you need me, I’ll be here to—”
“No. That’s just not fair.”
He laughed. It was not a happy sound. “Who ever said that any of this was fair?”
“Okay, maybe ‘fair’ is the wrong word. But I meant what I said. I can manage. I think we should just tell the kids the truth—so far as it goes. That my ankle is better, and it’s time that you and Shane moved home.”
“Isn’t that what I just suggested?”
“Yeah, but then you said you would stay here until Saturday. I really don’t see how you staying here till Saturday helps.”
“It gives the kids time to—”
“Please. It’s not like we told them we were moving in together permanently. They know that the reason you’re here is that you’re helping out. And now I’m better, and I can manage on my own. Can’t we just keep it simple? We tell the boys it’s time for you and Shane to go—and so you go.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
She wasn’t, not really. She wasn’t sure of anything right now.
He went on, “It seems too abrupt to me. I think it’s better if we give them a few days where things stay the same but they know change is coming.”
“Why drag it out?”
“We wouldn’t be dragging it out. Not for them.
We would be giving them a chance to deal with the change.
Think of it like when you go on vacation,” he said.
“You know when you’ll be coming home. You might feel sad that the fun time is ending, but you know what’s going to happen, so it’s expected, not abrupt, not confusing.
You don’t have to wonder what went wrong.
Nothing went wrong. It’s just how life goes. ”
He was right, and she knew it. True, something had gone wrong between the two of them. But their sons didn’t need to be dealing with that. “You’re an amazing dad, you really are.”
He almost smiled. But not quite. “Thank you.” He said those two words softly.
Solemnly. And then he continued, “So tonight, we’ll sit down together, the four of us.
You’ll them that you’re feeling much better, and you’re able to get along here at home without help.
Then I’ll explain that when Shane goes to Lenore’s, I’ll be moving back to my house.
That gives them all of Thursday and Friday with everything staying the same as it’s been for three weeks now.
But then on Saturday, Shane goes to Lenore’s, and I go home, and we’re back to the old routine. ”
“I get it,” she said.
“So we’re set?” he asked.
“We are set,” she echoed woodenly and then pressed her lips together to keep herself from begging him to stay.
Because he shouldn’t stay. She needed him not to stay. She needed to start getting used to it being just her and Dillon again.
He got up and put his cup in the sink. A moment later, he was on his way back out the door.
* * *
Riley thought that the conversation with the boys that night went as well as could be expected.
Unsurprisingly, neither Dillon nor Shane wanted to go back to the way things had been before.
They said they liked sharing Dillon’s room.
First, they tried bargaining, promising never to get in a fight, not ever again.
When that didn’t work, Dillon suggested that they could all move to Josh and Shane’s house for a while, and the boys could share Shane’s room.
“So then it could be fair, and we can go fishing.” Dillon turned to Shane for support.
Shane exclaimed, “That is a really good idea!”
Riley tried to let them down easy. “It’s not about fairness, though fairness does matter.
But remember that the reason you came to stay here is that I needed help after I hurt my ankle.
” She smiled at Shane. “And I appreciate you and your dad coming to help when I needed a hand. But I’m well now, and I don’t need help around the house anymore. ”
Josh backed her up by turning to Shane. “So it’s time for you and me to move home again.”
“Well, I don’t want you to go,” insisted Dillon.
Shane popped in with, “And I don’t want to go. But if you guys want to come stay at our house for a while, that would be good…”
No one ever said that reasoning with five-year-olds was easy.
In the end, the boys were not pleased. But at least nobody cried, and everyone used their inside voice. By the end of that conversation, they seemed to accept that it was time for Shane and Josh to go home.
The next two days flew by. Riley was careful around Josh, and he returned the favor. She constantly reminded herself that him leaving was for the best. If it hurt this much to lose him now, how much worse would it be if he stayed longer?
They would only grow closer.
And she couldn’t afford that.
Somehow, they had to find a way to raise the baby together. And he’d made it clear that he needed a little distance to figure out how to do that. A little distance would probably be good for her, too.
All Thursday and Friday they avoided each other. During meals, they tried not to look at each other while pretending in front of Dillon and Shane that everything was just fine.
It was awful.
She should have been relieved Saturday morning when Josh and Shane packed up to go. But all she felt was bone-deep sadness as she watched the crew cab driving away.
Half an hour later, she got a text from Lenore. Surprise! My son wants to hang out with your son. Thoughts?
Riley called her.