Chapter 35
Friday, June 16, 2017
One minute, I was in dreamland, envisioning Dominic cuddling and holding and soothing me with sweet Italian nothings while I rode through the waves of labor. The next minute, I was back in my bedroom. Alone. Dominic’s side of the bed was made. His phone, keys, and cigarettes weren’t on his nightstand.
Exhaling, I began to stretch, arching my back before pain suddenly seared through my muscles, taking my breath away. “What the hell?” I asked no one, biting down on my bottom lip through the pain as I tried to move. Giving it one more go-ahead, I gritted my teeth and swung my legs off the side of the bed, my ass damp. Did I wet the bed? All I knew right then was that my back pain wasn’t normal. I needed to call Julie. Dominic. Someone, but fuck, did I have the means to get to my phone, let alone get out of bed?
It was like knives stabbing me in the back. Warm, long knives.
Blowing out a breath, I told myself I could do this and whined as I fought through the pain to sit on the side of the bed. I immediately leaned forward, gripping the edge of the mattress. This position helped some, but intense pressure pushed on my pelvis.
Oh, fuck.
My breaths came in shorter, faster bursts. My anxiety rose. Looking around at nothing in particular, I felt between my legs—wet there, too. It wasn’t urine. I didn’t wet the bed. My heart raced.
No… Not yet. It wasn’t time yet. Dominic wasn’t here. It. Wasn’t. Time.
“Shit,” I whispered, on the verge of tears, shaking. I dared to push myself off the bed and onto my feet, grabbing hold of the nightstand in desperation when my legs almost gave out from the debilitating back pain. My eyes widened as fluid leaked down my legs. The wet spot I’d left behind was clear on the mattress.
A silent cry left me when a burst of pain possessed my lower back, sliding into my tailbone and teasing down into my ass and thighs. The knives. Stabbing and stabbing. Blowing out another big breath, I held onto the nightstand and wall for support on my way to the bathroom. Luckily, it was next to our bed. But when the pain wrapped around my sides and lower belly, I stopped in my tracks.
Rethinking a trip to the bathroom, I carefully turned around, grateful for a moment of relief when the pain eased. I hurried as fast as I could, hunched over, to our couch and put on the nightshirt I wore before I stripped of it for a nap. No sooner did I pull the shirt over my belly did the pain strike again, nearly bringing me to my knees. It was as if tiny hands viciously tugged and yanked on my ligaments, wanting to rip them apart. An intense cramp spread throughout my belly, nothing like any of those Braxton Hicks contractions.
This couldn’t be it, could it?
Mindlessly, I moved over more toward the side of the couch, held its armrest, and rocked and swayed in a weird dance. Softly moaning through it, the pain intensified, bringing me on the verge of tears again. “Oh, God, this is it,” I whimpered. I thanked God when the pain waned, again taking advantage of it and hurrying to the door.
I reached the door, panicking more when I felt more liquid drip down between my legs. The moment I opened the door and my foot touched the threshold, I leaned against the doorframe, my hand on my mouth as I stifled a loud cry. Unable to tolerate the new sensation of burning and stabbing pain, I went weak in the knees and sank to the floor. Pressure spread around back into my rectum, like I had been constipated for days and my body decided to finally let it go. The pressure built as did what I admitted to myself was indeed another contraction. It felt as if a steel band wrapped around my belly and squeezed, bringing the stabbing sensation up toward my belly.
Crawling hurt. Moving hurt. My entire body screamed with each movement, each breath. A little bit of nausea bubbled within my gut. Waves of agony rolled through me alongside the grueling charley horses. For a moment I knew the suffering a piece of fruit endured when it was crushed under a juicer. “ Oh, my God ,” I quietly moaned, squeezing out tears.
Just when I thought the contraction seemed to relax, a new one hit on top of that. I did my damnedest to breathe, but it was a challenge. The urge to scream was almost as bad as the new urge to bear down. Someone might as well have been stepping on my insides with a steel boot. The baby threatened to pop out of me right here, right now. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t talk. All I did was whimper and silently pray for an endpoint. A finish line. And as if God Himself stood in front of me with his arms out, commotion came from somewhere down the hall. It sounded like the voices of my family. Bianca’s voice edged out above the rest.
My body temperature rose. Sweat beaded the lining of my forehead. I crawled toward the noise, but pain won again. The peak of the contraction glued my hands and knees to the floor. I tried to breathe like I read about, but it was useless. Oh, my God… What’s happening to me? Someone please help me… Please.
Feet away from the end of the hall, I bit my bottom lip and barreled on through the agony. My back pain was at its worst with the height of each contraction, like it was crushing my vertebrae. Seconds away from being able to find the power to cry out for help, yet another contraction started to form before the previous one barely began to ease. More liquid gushed from between my legs. My body burned hotter, and I physically began to shake, almost losing my balance. Like an iron fist that had been simmering in a sea of flames, it punched through my insides amid waves of ever-increasing abdominal charley horses. A burning sensation whipped around from my lower back to my front in a sick-to-my-stomach sort of way. Its peak came on so intensely and so rapidly, it knocked the air from my lungs. The tense combination of crushing and burning won out, and I laid on the floor, curling into myself.
“Help me!”
Every muscle and fiber of my being tensed. I was scared my spine was actually ripping apart one vertebra at a time. The heat in my back flared and cascaded throughout my body. “Help me, please!”
“Lilith!?” Bianca’s voice was heaven sent through the rush of footsteps that came my way. I curled my knees toward me with every bit of my strength, and out of nowhere, I began rocking on the floor. Beads of sweat start to roll, even in places I never thought possible. My soft, almost silent cries turned into loud, teary moans.
“Oh, my God,” Bianca said, immediately kneeling next to me. She wanted to hold me, but I was too heavy and too tense for her to lift.
Whimpers, little grunts, and erratic breaths were all I could manage. Tears fell in a never-ending stream. When I thought one contraction was ready to end, another one piled on top of it. It just kept circling in a monstrous, unrelenting cycle. Somewhere in its midst, I wondered if this was some kind of punishment from God. Every nerve ending, every fiber, and every tissue felt as if it were being struck with a taser of the highest voltage known to man. The pain spread so harshly and so quickly it was hard to breathe. Invisible elephants stepped on my lower back and stomach.
“Oh, fuck,” Dino said. “Get Katrina outta here.” More voices shouted and hollered for the man I needed most. Katrina’s frantic, worried voice reached my ears as someone urged her away from the scene. “Dom!” Dino shouted at the top of his lungs.
Pressure in my pelvis and rectum built to an all-time high. The urge to pee and push increased. A hot flash rode through me with the contractions.
“Is it time?” Bianca asked, her mouth to my ear. Her touch and soothing shushes made things a little easier, but all I wanted was one person. The only person who could help me survive this misery.
“I want Dominic,” I sobbed. My voice quivered like the rest of me.
“He’s coming,” she reassured in a soft tone. She maintained her warm embrace as I shook and fought to control my breathing. My urges to push.
It was getting harder to breathe. I wondered if Vincenzo was literally tearing me apart. He kicked, and in turn, ramped up the pain. With each tightening and squeezing of my uterus, it also wrapped a tight, hot band around my back and encompassed me in a sensation of my bones and muscles being crushed under the sudden implosions.
“Lilith!?” Dominic hollered, his voice gruff and riddled with worry like everyone else’s. His pounding footsteps drew closer. Momentarily lost in happiness to hear his voice, knowing he was coming to my rescue, a big gush of lukewarm liquid gushed out from between my legs. Bianca let me go and scooted back enough to see whatever aftermath that left. The urge to push grew tenfold. The way the contractions had no end point, just piled one on top of the other, was almost rhythmic. With their peaks, I think I felt my cervix literally open and pull back.
Dominic took his mother’s place beside me and lifted me up into his arms. I cried out and groaned, taken hostage by the crippling pain. Every movement or breath was a task in itself. I couldn’t get myself to breathe during the contractions—just cry, moan, and wail. Breathing alone shot even more unimaginable, excruciating pain to my uterus. Sometimes, it got to a level where I hoped I would pass out to give me a break from it all. Finding his tie, I grabbed it and yanked so hard, it jerked his body close. We were face to face. His blue eyes were inscrutable, though I thought I saw a hint of his own kind of agony in them.
“He’s c-coming,” I gasped between breaths. “Vincenzo’s coming.”
Dominic’s eyes widened with panic. Pain gripped and shot down my legs, and it felt warmer the stronger the contractions got. Vincenzo descended further down my pelvis.
When I thought the pain couldn’t get any worse, the contractions seemed to be double on top of another. I wanted to die. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to just give up. I shook and sobbed violently in Dominic’s arms. After reading so much and doing research, it became aware to me what phase and stage I was now in and that I needed to let my body go and surrender to what was happening, but I was afraid if I did, I’d let go too much and cross over to the other side.
“Someone call in some nurses now!” Dominic ordered. His voice carried off somewhere else.
A loud, croaky groan escaped me when Dominic adjusted me in his arms.
“Santiago!” Dominic’s voice was tremulous and taut. His eyes and his face were stolid and steel-like, probably in an attempt to keep his composure for my sake.
“He’s calling,” Bianca informed him, also maintaining a sense of calm for me. Us.
“Let’s go, Dominic,” Anthony said out of the blue, and they wasted no time rushing me to the basement.
In a way, the rocking and swaying from Dominic rushing me downstairs brought its own relief, but it also made the pressure that much greater. I didn’t know pressure like this existed.
A female’s voice echoed from somewhere, but I couldn’t register who it was, let alone what she said. The sound of footsteps echoed in the wake of her voice.
“ Pleeeaaasseee ,” I whined, begging not for Dominic to get me on a bed but for our son to be in my arms already. I sucked in a sharp, messy breath.. The desire to push was extreme and seemingly impossible to fight. I blew small, shallow breaths in and out, trying to shove aside the constant stinging and pressure gradually building between my legs. My hands were balled into tight fists in the air. I closed my eyes and tried to visualize how all this pain and pressure worked Vincenzo down further into the birth canal.
“Mr. Rosini,” the female voice said. Julie.
“Prisco, go upstairs and make sure the rest of those fucking doctors get the fuck down here right away, and unless the house is on fire, nobody else is to be down here. Got it?”
“Yes,” Anthony stated and dashed back through the basement.
“ Dominic !” I wailed. I wasn’t quite sure where I was at this point as a severe contraction ripped through me. It was like this baby was ripping my insides apart. “ SHIT !”
“Hang on, Lilith,” Dominic said, kicking the door shut. He laid me on the bed in the first room he came across in the medical facility. I frantically and feverishly grabbed onto the rails of the bed. I swayed and rocked roughly from side to side like two people were trying to pull me closer in each direction.
I was sweaty, tired, and trying to make it through this. I knew I needed to push, but I was too afraid to. Sensations lingered up around my waist and in my lower back, but as my body worked to birth my son, I tensed my muscles and tried to hold him in. The more my son descended, the warmer and sicker I felt.
“It’s going to be alright, Lilith,” Julie assured me. Her latex gloves snapped as she pulled them on. “It’ll be alright.” A nurse already here on shift with her assisted her.
Something’s wrong…. Everything in the book was a lie. Childbirth wasn’t supposed to be this bad… I’m sorry, Dominic… I’m sorry I‘m not strong. I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I’m sorry I’m caving to the pain. I’m sorry… I’m sorry.
The sound of running water found my ears, and I looked to find Dominic washing his hands in the sink. “ Dominic …” I whimpered, flat on my back and fighting to endure this pain. “Dominic, I neeeedd yooouuuu .” My voice wavered and struggled through the chaos. Within seconds, Dominic rushed up beside me. He brushed his palm up and across my sweat-ridden forehead.
Julie began to release the stirrups built into the foot of the bed.
Tugging on my shirt, I begged for anyone to take it off, still rocking from side to side. “Please take this off.”
With scary ease, Dominic ripped my nightshirt in two right down the middle, slipping my arms out of the sleeves but leaving it underneath me. I didn’t care. I just wanted to push and push hard. “I… I can’t be like this,” I rambled. “I-I-I need it higher—AHHH!!” In that moment, the pain hit so hard and was so bad, I literally arched my back like someone being possessed by a demon.
My focus vanished as fast as I gathered it.
I panted.
I groaned.
Weird noises climbed up my throat, but I didn’t care how funny or embarrassing I sounded.
I wanted to physically run away from this pain.
Dominic and I turned our attention to the door as more nurses rushed into the room. I looked at the ceiling, squeezing my eyes shut shortly thereafter, blowing out rapid breaths.
Someone adjusted the bed, so I was sitting at a better angle. I laid back and grabbed onto the rails.
“I’m sorry,” I thought out loud as I drowned in the pain. “Help me… Dominic, please help me,” I sobbed, shaking. “I can’t take this anymore.” Not realizing he grabbed me a towel in this haze of pain, Dominic patted my forehead with it, taking my hand into his, squeezing. I sensed him staring, but all I could focus on was the ceiling. The burning and stretching in my vagina intensified, and it was only then did I grasp what was now happening. Vincenzo was coming out whether I pushed or not.
“Try to breathe, Bellissima .”
“I can’t.” I sucked in a bunch of rapid, erratic breaths, bawling. I started to open my legs, but I rushed to close them under a new, more severe contraction, arching my back again. Even with Dominic by my side, I went from wanting this baby out to wishing he would stay inside forever. I couldn’t find any courage.
I finally looked at him. He wiped my tears. His eyes were vacant, and it hurt to see him so helpless.
“You can do this, love,” he softly spoke. “You just need to focus.” He leaned over me and kissed my forehead.
I panted harder and faster.
I moaned and groaned as I lifted my legs and rested my feet in the stirrups one at a time. With my left hand, I grabbed the railing at my head, my other hand still secure in Dominic’s. I had to find courage. I had reached the point of no return.
“He’s coming,” I whimpered. I was growing too tired to try to run away from the pain anymore. I was so tired, but I needed to push.
I stared up at the ceiling again. I trembled, and the urge to vomit increased by the second. The burn between my legs flared. I squeezed Dominic’s hand tight in reaction. “Don’t move,” I begged. “Don’t let me go.”
“I’m here, love,” Dominic soothed, dabbing away more sweat off of my face. “I’m right here.” Dominic kissed my forehead. His voice, like his nature right now, was gentle and what I needed.
My lips parted in a silent scream as another contraction sliced through my body. It felt like Vincenzo pushed into my spine with a brute force and twisted it as hard as he could at the same time. I wanted to run again. And I did, sort of. I wriggled upward against the mattress to try to search for the exit that didn’t exist. Dominic reached for me and gently guided me back down.
“I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.”
Dominic wiped away the damp strands of my hair sticking to my face. “Yes, you are.”
“Do this for me,” I pleaded.
“If I could, I would, Bellissima , but you need to do this, and you can do this. I love you.”
His words in my ear helped me gain the courage to try to bring our baby boy into the world.
I drew in a big breath and bore down hard. Surprisingly, pushing brought a little bit of relief. It also brought a ton of additional pressure and burning. When I caught my breath, I worried his head was actually about to come out of my butt. The pressure there was overwhelming and so painful.
“You’re doing great, Bellissima .”
I pulled another big breath deep into my lungs and pushed again. My body quaked. A bone-on-bone feeling ground down on me as Vincenzo’s head continued to rotate and squeeze through my birth canal. I kept pushing until I couldn’t anymore.
I let my head fall back against the pillow and arched when a contraction began to build along with the increased burning and stinging. Weird groans and sounds escaped me. I blew a few quick breaths and pushed again, wriggling my butt further down the bed at the same time. Sweat beaded and dripped all over. Like I was a butcher stuck in a hot meat locker on a scorching, summer day.
The more Vincenzo squeezed down through, the hotter I became.
“I can see his head,” Julie announced with encouragement.
“Dominic,” I cried, tears streaming, “help me please.”
“Please keep pushing, love. I’m so proud of you.”
When I gathered myself and bore down, a strange sensation stirred inside of me. My heart was racing at a dangerous level. It felt like Vincenzo was trying to climb back up inside.
With my next push, I began to feel off. It was nerve-wracking. I momentarily dry-heaved. And when I caught my breath and pushed yet again, a vigorous, brutal contraction hurled through me like a freight train.
“Something’s wrong,” I thought out loud.
“Talk to me, Lilith,” Dominic demanded, concern and worry thick in his tone.
The next contraction came with a riptide of fire that seared through my uterus. The pain was sudden and intense. It was a pain unheard of as of this moment. It was worse than when my contractions double-peaked.
I screamed bloody murder.
“HE’S RIPPING ME APART!!”
Something tore down deep. A gush of warm to almost hot, thick liquid gushed out after an outward-pushing type pressure struck my uterus.
“What’s happening!?” Dominic hollered.
Breathing became increasingly difficult as the contraction began dwindling. A new pressure sat inside my chest. I dry heaved until I actually vomited. Dominic suddenly turned my head to the side as the vomit and bile spilled down the side of my mouth, down my neck, and onto the bed beneath me. Pity crossed through his unblinking eyes.
I gagged once more before I rolled my head and lifted it, finding Julie’s hands on my thighs. Blood stained her hands. Panic flashed in her eyes, but she just as quickly got herself in check.
“What’s happening?” I breathed as best I could under the tremendous pain and tenderness.
“You really need to push, Lilith.”
Julie’s voice was unsteady, confirming my suspicion that something was seriously wrong.
Dominic towered above me, kissing my forehead repeatedly. A part of me felt for him. If the roles were reversed, I would’ve been absolutely beside myself, helplessly watching my loved one suffer.
I grunted and squirmed, pushing little by little. “Oh, Jesus,” I groaned with a bigger push.
“You’re doing it, love. Keep going.”
“Tell me what you’re feeling,” Julie ordered.
“I can’t,” I whimpered.
“I need you to try,” she urged.
“Ripping. So much ripping and tearing and pain . So much pain!”
“We need to get this baby out,” Julie said with a newfound urgency. “Now.”
It then hit me. I was about to undergo the absolute worst pain I could ever imagine, and all I wanted was for it to stop or for me to die.
“When I tell you to push,” Julie went on, “I need you to listen to me and push hard. Understand?”
“Tell me what’s happening now!” Dominic demanded.
“I don’t know for sure, Mr. Rosini, but we can’t waste any more time. Your son needs to come out and needs to come out now . So, Lilith, on three—look at me.”
I looked at Nurse Barton as Dominic held my hand tightly in both of his.
“On three, I want you to push as hard as you can.”
“It hurts to push,” I whined.
“You can do this, Lilith,” Julie coached.
“One,” she began, now in a blue paper gown and shining a brighter light on me.
“Two.”
I inhaled a deep breath, squeezing Dominic’s hand tighter.
“Three.”
With all my might, I bore down, screaming shortly afterward.
Pain seared from my chest to my knees. The harder I tried to push, the more I struggled.
“Amy, get me the vacuum please,” Julie instructed our OBGYN. I looked around in a panic.
“Grab her other leg,” Julie instructed Amy. Julie inserted the vacuum inside of me. “When I pull, you push, okay?”
Sobbing, I nodded.
“Go ahead and push, Lilith.”
Once I found the strength, it was like I was being ripped in half. Unbearable, unimaginable pain, pressure, and burning overtook me as Julie pulled, continuing to instruct me to push.
I feverishly clawed at anyone and anything. “Make it stop!”
“Keep pushing,” Julie coached.
Knowing my only means of escape was to birth my son, I pushed hard and for as long as I could. She pulled. I pushed. When I watched Julie pull, it looked as if she was putting her all into it, and I certainly felt it. My vaginal walls stretched and opened so far, I worried I might rip open.
The saying was true; to push out a baby was like pushing a watermelon out of something with the opening the size of a lemon.
So many weird cries, screams, and guttural, animalistic noises escaped me through it all. I pushed. I grunted. I blew and panted and yanked down on Dominic’s tie. His blue eyes were doleful. His face fell. A hint of tears lined his eyes. It actually enraged me. It made me feel as if he were checking out on me.
“I wish I could take it all away,” he professed in a hushed tone, like each word killed a piece of him as he said them. “I’m sorry, my love.”
“Don’t you fucking check out on me now,” I grunted, gritting my teeth and practically smashing his face into mine. As I tugged and clung to him mid-push, I reached for Amy in a panic. “OH, MY GOD!” I violently arched my back as a ripping sensation spread down my vagina with an explosion akin to fire.
I shook, sweaty. I wanted to vomit again. The pain was indescribable. I started to lose control.
“Push again, Lilith,” Julie told me.
I was too worn down. In fact, something happened as I began to push again. Grabbing Dominic and the nurse on my left, I rolled my head straight back against the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. I honestly felt like my spirit was leaving my body. Time had no meaning anymore. I just wanted to escape. Part of me seemed to float above as I worked hard to birth my son. My thoughts seemed to float away right along with my spirit. My control left until a searing, burning sensation struck me down below. My tissues stretched further to accommodate Vincenzo’s head.
It was as if this nightmare would never end. Like I was falling into hell and coming back into reality over and over again.
Giving birth to our son was supposed to be sweet and memorable. It wasn’t supposed to go this way.
“What’s happening!?” I screamed as Julie tirelessly pulled. To push at this point was like having a hot boulder fall on me and melt right through my flesh. If Vincenzo wasn’t born soon, I might pass out.
“I have to cut,” Julie announced. “His head is too large. Just hang in there for us. You’re almost done, I promise.” Her pity was unmistakable.
I just cried in absolute defeat. Sweat dripped down every crevice, every crack, every fold. It soaked my hair and made it stick to the back of my neck.
I can’t do this , I thought as I squirmed and fought. I’m too weak. Oh, Vincenzo, you’re lucky I love you so much. Oh, dear Lord, help me. Please, God… Give me the strength to get through this. Give me the strength to push.
I turned to Dominic for guidance and words and support, but he stood there in a daze. He watched Nurse Barton, lost with tears in his eyes. He was bleak, dejected, and crestfallen. Guilt consumed him.
I grabbed his sleeve and yanked with all my might, almost knocking him off his feet. I pulled him in close. “Don’t you fucking wimp out on me now!” His eyes went wide. “ You did this to me; you’re gonna help me!” I threw myself backward, screaming as Julie cut me again, still hanging onto Dominic.
More warmth gushed between my legs. It was thinner, runnier.
“Give me another push, Lilith,” Julie instructed.
I once again found myself leaving my own body as I bore down. Voices all sounded off at once as I mindlessly let go of my support systems and tried to crawl up the bed. I didn’t want to be in this body anymore. I climbed further, looking for a way out due to the sheer intensity, but I couldn’t. I experienced what I read to be the ring-of-fire. With a powerful contraction and a push, I moaned loud and felt my eyes bug out of my head. A wicked sensation of fire and pressure shot through my vagina, some much needed relief right behind it. I didn’t know if I was losing my mind, but I just watched in a haze as Dominic and the nurses helped me scoot me back down into position.
Only then did it dawn on me that I just pushed out Vincenzo’s head.
“Catch your breath,” Amy advised me, brushing her fingers along the side of my face and doing her best to calm me. Julie suctioned out Vincenzo’s nose and mouth quickly, passing something that I couldn’t make out to another nurse.
I winced when Julie moved the baby somehow, almost like she turned him.
“Alright, Lilith,” Julie said. “You need to push and push hard. We need to get him out.”
“Will you just tell us what the fuck is going on!?” Dominic snapped, and everyone went still and quiet.
“I suspect her uterus has ruptured, which is dangerous for both Lilith and your son. If we don’t get him out now, there’s a chance one or both of them won’t survive.”
“Then cut her open!” Dominic shouted, riddled with worry and fear.
Julie remained calm. “It’s too late. By the time I cut into Lilith, her uterus could rupture entirely and, well… We’re going to have to rely on a little faith for this but mostly Lilith.”
Dominic quickly leaned in close, his eyes and face deadpan.
“Look at me,” he said in a more serious instead of hopeless undertone. “You’re almost there, but you need to find your fire and deliver our son.”
“Fuck you!” I spat, angry at the world.
“I know you’re in pain, and I know this is tough?—”
“You don’t know shit!”
“I know this is tough,” Dominic tried again, “but you need to dig down deep, Bellissima . You need to push. We’re all counting on you. Vincenzo needs you.”
I gasped for air like it was sucked clean out of my lungs. As a gigantic contraction hit, so did a new ripping sensation in my uterus. “Help me!” I arched back, feverishly grasping for and tugging anywhere I could on Dominic. “It’s happening again; he’s tearing me apart!”
“Push, Lilith!” Julie hollered, fear in her voice.
I began to sob uncontrollably, realizing there was no other way out of this nightmare. I started to climb away again, but I was held down this time, preventing me from going anywhere. I jerked from side to side. “It hurts so much!” I screamed as one of our other nurses in attendance leaned over to push on my belly. Right then, I finally found my fire. I ditched everyone and everything and grabbed firmly onto the bed rails, lifting myself once again and bearing down as hard as physically possible.
“Good job, Lilith,” Julie cheered.
Intense pressure pushed and grinded against my pubic bone. Julie mumbled something to Amy, and her and another nurse began to spread my legs further apart and bring my knees even closer to my chest. The pressure from the motion was borderline unbearable. “Stop it!” I cried out, frantically trying to shove everyone’s hands out of the way.
“Hold her legs,” Julie instructed.
“Please just tell me what’s happening,” I begged, breathing labored and erratic.
“Shoulder Dystocia,” was all Julie said. I looked to the nurse next to me for answers.
“He’s stuck,” Julie answered for her. “His shoulders are broad, and we’re having a hard time getting him out. Just focus. Don’t quit now. You’re so close.”
Rolling my head away from Julie, I looked at Dominic, grabbed his tie, and yanked him toward me as I pushed with what strength I had left.
I screamed as I felt Julie reach up inside of me.
Time stood still, losing all meaning as the cycle went on: push, breathe, push, breathe. I didn’t know how much longer I could continue on like this.
This should have been exciting. This should have been like I saw in the movies and on TV where the husband or partner cooed and cheered on his mate as she gently guided their unborn child into the world. But that wasn’t my reality. And it hurt worse than any physical pain.
As I pushed, the pain and pressure somehow finally started to ease. Maybe this was it? Maybe I was about to meet our son?
I was too tired to scream anymore.
Vincenzo’s shoulder rubbed against my pubic bone, and I gasped when I felt it slip out.
“It hurts,” I grunted, exhausted.
“He’s almost out,” Julie informed us. “Just one or two more big pushes, and he’ll be here.”
Please come out, baby boy , I thought as I stood right before the finishing line. I’ve held you and carried you and pushed you out long enough. It’s time. It’s time to come out and see all of us.
Another intense contraction steamrolled through me, and all I did was groan. I let go of Dominic’s tie and instead grabbed a piece of his shirt, crying and trembling.
“I need you, Dominic,” I whimpered, pleading with him through my gaze to understand what I needed.
He understood the assignment.
Tears escaping his eyes, Dominic wrapped his arm around behind my back, still holding my hand. He leaned in and kissed my face.
“I’m here.” He moved hair away from my face. “You can do this, Bellissima . Please push. For me and for our son.” Dominic lifted and adjusted me better against the bed.
I held onto the rail.
I pushed.
And pushed.
“Last one,” Dominic whispered in my ear. “I promise.”
Soaked in my own sweat, I tipped my head back, holding onto the bed rails for dear life as I gave it one more go-ahead. A high-pitched, penetrating cross between a scream and a whine crawled up out of my throat. More fluid and blood gushed out, Vincenzo’s body sliding out of me right along with it.
I flopped hard against the bed.
“ Bellissima ,” Dominic whispered with excitement. He lifted me high enough so I could see our son. My hazy, watery eyes found him, and everything around me dissolved into this amazing moment.
Everyone stilled and quieted as Vincenzo emitted a powerful cry. With red hair and wrinkly skin, our baby was so beautiful.
Dominic shed a few tears as he kissed my forehead. “You did it, Bellissima .”
Amy whisked the baby off to be cleaned, and it dawned on me.
“ No ,” I whined softly, prompting a confused look from Dominic.
“Lilith, what’s wrong?” he asked.
“You were supposed to do that,” I whimpered, feeling out of myself again.
“Do what?”
I suddenly felt faint. More hot, thick liquid spilled out from between my legs. I knew it was blood. I grew more tired by the second, lazily grasping and fighting to grab onto Dominic.
Please let Vincenzo be healthy. Please let me live. I don’t want to die. I want to see and hold and kiss my son.
“What’s going on? What’s happening to her!?” Dominic hollered. His eyes glowed a rich red, and through my haze, I thought I saw his fangs, too. Sights set on the staff, Dominic’s beast threatened to break loose.
Barely able to turn my head, I managed to move it, searching for any kind of strength as I reached out.
“Janice, get the anesthesia ready and raise that railing over there,” Julie calmly ordered another nurse. “We need to operate immediately.”
“Julie!” Dominic shouted.
A nurse placed something over my nose and mouth.
“Count backward from one hundred,” she warmly instructed. My body suddenly became unnaturally heavy, like I was being pulled and sucked down through the bed.
Blurry. It was all a blur. Noises were far away.
Dominic was the last beautiful thing I saw.
Everything went black.