Chapter 18
From barely speaking to each other for two months to sitting on the comfortable, oversized couch in Frankie’s condo together was not something Jules expected yet there she was, wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, her blonde hair hanging loose past her shoulders as Frankie paid for their Christmas Eve Chinese food at her door.
She didn’t know what had gotten into her in the gym a few hours earlier, what compelled her to completely break down the way she had, her tears flowing freely, heart breaking open in a way it hadn't in a very long time but something triggered it.
Maybe it was the way Frankie was so concerned, the way she’d taken hold of her Jules' to tug her back, to make her stay so she could explain, the look on her face when Jules told her there were no rules, nothing to keep them from being in each other's lives.
Or maybe it was the way she could see her parents' faces when she admitted how lonely she’d felt for years, how hard it was to be an accessory to someone else’s life.
It wasn’t Cam’s fault, she couldn’t blame him for the way she felt, but he was one of the reasons for why it hurt so much even if he had no idea. That was just the simple honest truth.
The decision to leave for Christmas was his to make and maybe if Jules had taken better control of her own life a long time ago, had done a better job at becoming more than just his sister, then she wouldn’t feel as alone in her life when he was gone.
His position in the league, his stature and his name – it was more important now than ever before and he didn’t need her as much.
But nobody else needed her either and with her parents gone, the isolation was suffocating. As mortifying as it had been to break down in front of Frankie without warning, part of her was glad that her resolve had crumbled.
She felt like she could breathe easier now and the feeling of Frankie’s strong arms around her, the hand gently stroking her back and her hushed words of comfort, the way Jules had been allowed to exist in her grief without judgment, was something she would forever be grateful for.
Which is why spending Christmas with Frankie was an easy choice to make when Frankie had said she would also be alone over the holidays.
There was more to the story when it came to her family than Frankie had let on but Jules didn't press. If Frankie wanted to tell her then she would. Everyone has corners of their life they leave in the shadows until they feel comfortable enough to shine a light on it for someone else.
It didn’t matter right now anyway, what mattered was neither of them would have to spend a holiday so deeply rooted in family on their own.
“Thanks man,” Frankie said to the delivery person as she accepted the paper bag filled with their dinner. “Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.”
It was kind of funny, not spending Christmas with Cam because somehow, as it turned out, not only did he and Frankie share the same floor of the building…their homes shared a wall.
She had actually laughed when Frankie told her what number her condo was because she and her brother were still close without even being in the same country.
But Frankie’s space was warmer, more lived in since the trip they’d taken to IKEA.
There were lamps that bathed the living space in warm golden light, lush plants sitting on twin bookcases with their strands of leaves cascading down, a coffee table featuring a stack of books about sports, leadership, and even food.
And in the corner of the room, there was even a small fake Christmas tree standing about four feet tall, covered in a string of bright multicoloured lights and an array of ornaments.
Something about knowing Frankie had planned to be alone for the holiday but still set up the tree tugged at Jules' heartstrings and made her feel like the woman standing at the kitchen island and plating their meal had spent more than a few holidays on her own.
“Do you want anything specific to drink?” Frankie asked and Jules tore her gaze away from the mesmerizing glow of the Christmas lights and looked at her.
“Hmm? sorry?”
Frankie laughed and opened her fridge. “Drinks, with dinner. Do you have a preference? I’ve got pop, sparkling water, wine…”
Well, it was Christmas after all, why not indulge.
”I’ll have a glass of wine if you’ll have one with me?”
“You drive a hard bargain but I like the way you think.”
Jules pushed herself up off the couch so she could join Frankie by the kitchen island bar stools but was promptly waived off as Frankie came to her instead. She set two plates of food down on the coffee table then went back for the wine.
“It’s Christmas,” she said, “we deserve to be comfortable while we eat and I like being near the tree.”
When they finally sat down with their food and their drinks, Jules felt like she was living inside of a dream because she was really here, with Frankie, sharing a meal on Christmas Eve.
Until today, the last time she'd even seen Frankie was on her TV while watching the Harbour’s last game before the short holiday break.
The game had been a 4-3 overtime loss in Colorado and the Harbour had battled hard to tie the game in the third period after being down 3-0, sending the game into overtime only for the home team to score fifteen seconds into the five minutes of 3-on-3 action.
It was a devastating blow after coming so close and they’d had three power play opportunities but simply couldn’t convert during the game, something Jules knew would have the so-called hockey fans turned keyboard warriors rushing to their online platforms to rip Frankie to shreds.
They’d blame the loss on her as if she wasn’t surrounded by an entire coaching staff and roster of experienced players who all had their own part to play.
Luckily Frankie didn’t seem to be bothered by the online abuse that was hurled at her from every direction tonight and Jules studied her as they ate, her body relaxed as she enjoyed forkfuls of rich flavoured noodles and sipped on her wine.
“Miami, huh?” She questioned, eying Jules over the rim of her wine glass. “What on earth compelled him to go there…”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe the fact that he’d get to see Mackenzie sipping a cocktail in a bikini on the beach?”
“Is your brother dating someone?” Frankie set her glass down atop a coaster on the coffee table and stuck her fork into a piece of sesame chicken. “I had no idea, not that I pay much attention to the personal lives of my athletes. I don’t exactly spend a ton of time in their locker room.”
“God, no,” Jules said with a laugh, her own mouth full of food. She took a sip of her own wine and swallowed before giving her head a shake. “My brother does not date. He…keeps himself busy.”
“And right now he’s keeping himself busy with – ”
“A five foot eight brunette hairstylist from New Brunswick named Mackenzie who DM’d him on Instagram? Correct.”
Jules didn’t always agree with her brother’s decisions but she wasn’t his mother. His choices were his own to make and that also meant his regrets and his flings gone wrong were his and his alone as well.
“He’s never been in any kind of committed relationship,” Jules continued, leaning back against the couch cushions, and pulling her legs up under her.
“But I hope he settles down one day, meets a girl that’ll stick around, someone who actually cares about him as a person even if he can be the most annoying human being in the world sometimes. ”
“Hey, you never know.” Frankie smiled and put her plate on the coffee table and settled back on the couch just as Jules had.
Her hair was in a neater bun now than it had been earlier in the fitness centre and she was wearing joggers with a long sleeve waffle knit shirt.
She looked gorgeous, just like this, Jules thought, and she felt privileged to be around her in such a laid back, relaxed state.
It was safe to assume that very few people got to see her like this.
“There could be someone out there right now who loves to be annoyed all the time by their partner. Maybe this Mackenzie girl is into that.”
”I guess anything is possible,” Jules mused, glancing towards the glow of the Christmas Tree. She wished there was a gift beneath it, even something small, but the small red tree skirt sat bare beneath the decoration.
”What about you?” Frankie asked, drawing her attention back to the far side of the couch.
”What about me?” Jules reached for her glass of wine again and took a sip, letting the alcohol warm her as it settled in her stomach.
“Any crazy dating stories? A long term boyfriend with a broken heart who threw a fit when you told him you were moving to the east coast, maybe?”
“Ah, not exactly,” she said. “I dated someone for a few months a couple of years ago but me being so attached to Cam and his career, especially because the sports physiotherapy work I do is something I can do anywhere, was something they didn’t like.
They thought it was stupid of me to work for my brother when he has a whole team of professionals at his disposal anytime he shows up at the rink and yeah, they were probably right to find it odd but… Cam and I are kind of a package deal.”
“Damn, he sounds like a dick.”
Jules wanted to laugh because she didn’t think the first time her dating history came up in conversation with Frankie would be because of her brother but they’d settled on the topic now and there was no need to skirt around it.
It wasn't that she was fearful to discuss this part of herself, not when Frankie confessed to Jules that her first kiss was with a girl in high school, even if her experience with women didn’t go beyond that.
Just knowing the kiss had happened and holding onto that tidbit of information for weeks had driven Jules crazy.
Frankie had called it a religious experience and even if they had different definitions of what that meant, Jules would have to agree.
But being a lesbian always brought with it a hint of uncertainty no matter the situation. Gay panic was a very real thing and right now, as she sat on Frankie’s couch, as Frankie watched her with a kind of curiosity Jules didn’t think she’d seen on her face before, she was panicking.
She liked Frankie…a lot, and she didn’t know what to do with those emotions, where to store them for safe keeping, but the was hopeful return of their budding friendship mattered to her and honesty needed to come with it.
Friends talked about their relationships, they joked about their exes, they trusted one another with parts of themselves other people weren’t privy to and it had been a long, long time since there had been anyone in her life that Jules could genuinely open up to that way.
She glanced down at her lap and toyed with the stem of the wineglass in her hand.
“She was a dick.”
When she finally glanced up again, the look of surprise she found on Frankie’s face filled her with a sense of satisfaction she wasn’t prepared for and she wanted to live inside of the look, the way Frankie’s eyes were wide but bright with a kind of realization that was impossible to miss.
She was looking at Jules, not for the first time since they’d met, like she was seeing something in her that she didn’t see in herself.
“And I’ve totally moved on,” Jules added, laughing it off in the self-deprecating way people do when they’re unsure of what else to do or say.
“She’s an idiot,” Frankie finally said, her voice reassuring with the same commanding inflection to it that she used when speaking to the players on her team.
It was a voice Jules had heard Frankie use when she wanted her team to really hear her, to ensure her words stuck, and Jules felt a swooping sensation low in her belly at the sound of it, her breath coming in small shaky inhales and exhales as she watched Frankie ball one of her hands into a fist then flexed it open and laid it flat against her own thigh.
“And you deserve better, Jules.”
“Well…thank you.” Jules wondered what better for her looked like.
Did it have fiery red hair, green eyes and a smile that gave you butterflies?
Did it have passion and confidence? Did it make you feel like the only person in a crowd of thousands when it caught your eye? “It’s very kind of you to say that.”
Frankie smiled and propped her elbow up on the back of the couch then rested her head on her hand. “Do you want to do something fun with me tomorrow?”
The shift in conversation was a surprise but Jules didn’t mind because it gave her a chance to quell her racing thoughts, to take her mind off of how easy it would be to set her wine glass down, move across the couch and let her heart take control in ways she would probably regret in the morning.
She narrowed her eyes. “Why does that sound so suspicious?”
“Jules…” Frankie teased. “Don’t you trust me?”
She did trust her and that trust meant she would probably allow Frankie to lead her anywhere. She sighed and smiled, shaking her head in disbelief.
“You’re trouble, Frankie, but I’m in.”