Chapter 17
Time seemed to pass by in a blur following the start of the Harbour’s inaugural season and Frankie had done her absolute best to stay busy because if she was busy, she couldn’t think about Jules.
Her focus needed to be on her work, on her team, on keeping them in the top percentage of power play success in the league.
But the problem is…all she could think about was Jules and the last time she’d seen her was two weeks earlier.
She’d dismissed her at the practice rink as they’d passed by each other in the hallway and hadn’t been able to shake the crestfallen expression on the other woman’s face.
They were friends, and she’d put that look on the face of someone she cared about.
Not just friends, but they were on their way to becoming close friends and then one day, when Frankie was feeling a little too much for Jules when they’d shared their moment over the hockey puck, she made the decision to stop things from progressing any further.
Jules didn’t deserve to be treated the way Frankie was treating her but she didn’t know how else to quell her own emotions other than to put up a wall between them, to keep things as surface level and as professional as possible.
Jules would understand if she knew why, she’d have to. Frankie was her brother’s coach and anything more than that was just too complicated.
And now it was Christmas. Frankie had a sense that this time of year was especially difficult for both Clarke twins, but what could she do about it?
Send flowers? Call Jules to say she hopes she and her brother have a good holiday?
She couldn’t do that, not after all of the time that had passed since that night in Boston.
With no family of her own around to spend the holiday with and her best friend staying in Sweden for Christmas and New Year’s, Frankie opted for a Christmas Eve workout in the condo's fitness centre, wanting to blow off some steam and hopefully expel some of her pent up energy.
She’d do a bit of boxing, hammer out a few sets of deadlifts, maybe even run on the treadmill until she couldn’t feel her legs anymore, until her lungs burned and she'd sweat out of her stress. If she were lucky, she’d work herself so hard that when all was said and done, her mind would be completely clear of anything related to Jules Clarke.
But when she stepped into the fitness centre and noticed another body, a very familiar body, on the far side of the room it seemed like the universe had other plans for her.
Jules was sitting on her ground with her back to the wall beside one of the large mirrors. With her knees pulled up to her chest and her eyes closed, she was seemingly lost in whatever must've been playing in her wireless earbuds.
Finding her this way, tucked into a shadowed corner of the room by herself was odd to Frankie and despite her own judgement, she crossed the room and came to a stop a few feet away.
Jules' cheeks were flushed like she’d just completed a workout but they also looked slightly tearstained, the fading tracks of salty tears running down the soft pink skin of her face and she looked so small sitting on ground curled into herself.
Frankie didn’t know if she should say or do something to get her attention but the decision was made for her when Jules let out a long, shuddering deep breath and slowly blinked open her eyes.
She wasn’t startled to find Frankie standing there but her eyes still widened in surprise before she swiftly pushed herself up off the floor and headed for the door without saying a word.
“Wait,” Frankie said, grabbing hold of her wrist to tug her back. The hold Frankie had on Jules was gentle and timid but she could still feel the same spark she felt anytime they were close.
“What do you want, Frankie?” Jules asked, deflating as she spun to face her. She took the earbuds out of her ears then stuffed them into a small pocket with her free hand before allowing her eyes to drop to Frankie’s fingers on her arm.
“I just…you looked – ”
“Oh, suddenly you care? After giving me the cold shoulder and practically ignoring me for two months?” Jules pulled her arm free and gave her head a shake. “No offence Frankie, but I’m good.”
The way Jules said her name sounded wrong, the edge to it cutting Frankie right down the middle. She knew she’d hurt Jules by distancing herself but she hadn’t anticipated this type of response when their paths crossed like this again and Frankie was taken aback by it.
“I’ve been busy,” she said, knowing immediately that it was the wrong thing to say by the way Jules' expression shifted into a smile laced with sarcasm.
“Good for you, I understand how seriously you take your job. I hope the Halifax Harbour is pleased with your dedication to the franchise.”
The next time Jules turned to leave, Frankie didn’t stop her but she sighed, her heart hammering in her chest. She needed to fix this, for both of them, because it was clear that neither of them were happy about the situation Frankie had chosen to put them in.
“I owe you an apology.” And just as Jules had reached the fitness centre door, she stopped, her hand hovering over the handle. “If you’ll allow me to give you one."
Jules glanced over her shoulder at Frankie then looked up at the ceiling and closed her eyes before she nodded and turned around. She crossed her arms and stood in place by the door, silently giving Frankie the go ahead to say whatever it was that she wanted to say.
As honest as Frankie wanted to be, this wasn’t exactly the right time to confess her feelings, her very much more than just friends feelings, for Jules.
There probably wouldn’t ever be a right time for that to happen but she could at least try and salvage their friendship. Her mood over the last two months and the reaction Jules had to her today showed her that a friendship was worth more than anything else, and she should be allowed to have it.
She didn’t need to punish either of them out of fear.
“This job is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced,” Frankie said. “And I think I’m just really used to being alone in my stress. I’ve never been in a position where I could build relationships with the people I worked with…or the people surrounding them. And you…”
You make me feel like glitter, she wanted to say. You make me feel like I shine when the light hits me, like I can make something simple a bit more beautiful. You don’t even realize you’re doing it when you look at me, when you smile at me, when you tell me you’re proud of me.
“You were quickly becoming one of the closest friends I’ve ever had.”
“And what’s wrong with that, Frankie?” Jules said, her chest rising in frustration as she frustratedly threw her hands up in the air. “Because I felt the same way.”
“But I didn’t know if I could have a friendship like this right now, what people would think if they knew, what people would say about you when you already have enough to deal with because of who your brother is.
I thought…I don’t know, I guess I thought maybe it would be better if we kept things professional. ”
“I’m not on your team…there aren’t any rules about you and I being friends, no league-wide mandate to keep us from spending time together and it wasn’t fair of you to make a choice for me.”
Frankie’s eyes widened and her breath shuddered slightly because she knew Jules was right but was it really that easy? “I know,” she said in agreement. “Deciding to ice you out the way I did was the wrong thing to do. You deserve better and I’m sorry.”
“My whole adult life I haven’t had much of a say in anything, because Cam is my brother and his career is the most important thing, his continued success, because we promised each other that I would always be there.
I love my brother, I really do, but do you know how lonely it is to have grown up as an orphan with a celebrity for a sibling? ”
Her voice broke and the sound landed deep in Frankie’s chest, making her think that there was more weight to what Jules was saying than she was letting on. This was about more than just Frankie’s unfair decision to distance herself.
“I’ve always been an add on to Cam’s professional career, and it’s meant that I almost never allow myself to have anything of my own.
Then you came along and I didn’t want to be friends at first because it was just another relationship centered around Cameron Clarke.
I didn’t want that and I told myself when we moved here that I should branch out, I would start to live for myself and build a life outside of this sport, if it were even possible, but we clicked and I decided to let it happen, to let myself be happy.
And then you took that choice away from me and it made me feel stupid.
Just like I always am, I was alone again. ”
”Jules, you’re…you’re not alone,” Frankie said, the connection to Jules that she hadn't stopped feeling pulling her across the room.
“Aren’t I? Because I thought I had a real friend here but I don’t and Cam…he’s…” Her face crumpled and whatever resolve she had left disappeared as she covered her face with her hands and began to cry.
“Hey, hey, come on,” Frankie said, dropping her water bottle and sweat towel on the ground.
She rushed to Jules and without an ounce of hesitation, wrapped her arms around her and held her close.
Rubbing soothing circles on her back, she brought her other hand up to cradle her head as Jules slid her arms around Frankie’s waist and melted into the embrace.
“You do have a friend, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. ”
”I’m the one who should be sorry,” Jules muttered against Frankie’s chest and Frankie could feel the warmth of hot tears against her skin. She knew her shirt would be soaked through but she didn’t care in the slightest. “I must look like a crazy person.”
“Shh, you have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.”
They stood there for a few minutes like that, with Frankie’s arms wrapped around Jules, a face resting right above where Frankie’s heart was beating, warm breath tickling her skin.
She never stilled the comforting caress of her hand on Jules' back, never wavered in wanting to be a pillar of strength in a moment when the woman in her arms needed one.
When Jules finally slackened and slipped her arms free from Frankie’s body, she brought her hands to her face and wiped away whatever mess she felt she needed to.
She opened her eyes and looked up at Frankie, who with a couple of inches on her, could look down into her pain filled icy blue eyes.
The sight broke Frankie’s heart. Even now, when Jules seemed so despondent, so outside of the bubbly, illuminated person she always was, Frankie still thought she was the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen but seeing her hurting this much made Frankie ache for her.
“Jules.” Frankie wanted to wipe beneath her eyes with her thumb, to trace the tracks of her tears with a gentle stroke of her finger, but settled instead for taking one of her hands and slipping their fingers together. “What’s this really about?”
“It’s stupid, I…”
”It’s not stupid, not if it’s making you this upset.”
Jules swallowed and looked down, her lip trembling a little again. “Cam went to Miami for a few days and for the first time since my…since the accident…I’ll be alone for Christmas.”
Frankie’s heart broke again as the confession settled between them and, as if her body had a mind of its own, her desire to care for someone who had quickly become an important person in her life despite the mess she’d made of their friendship, Frankie pulled Jules against her body for a second time.
“I’m fine,” Jules sniffled. “Really, it’s…it’s okay…”
But it wasn’t okay and she started crying again.
Frankie held her a little tighter this time, wanting Jules to know, to feel, that she wasn’t alone. She had Frankie, and Frankie wasn't going anywhere. She’d tried her best to walk away once and she wasn’t going to do it again.
There was nothing Frankie could say to make the loss go away. She couldn’t give Jules what she so desperately wanted – her family – but she could let her cry, let her work through the suffocating emotion of missing something you know you can never have again.
And sometimes, just being there for someone meant more than anything else could, so that’s what Frankie did. She stood strong, let Jules cling to her, and decided that this was a relationship they both deserved, one they both needed.
Life is hard, so why force yourself to go through it alone when someone is willing to walk alongside you?
“Spend Christmas with me.”
Frankie didn’t know where the suggestion had come from but it made so much sense to her and it hung in the air between them for a moment. Christmas with Jules, Christmas together, not being alone, it sounded so nice.
With a shuddered breath and a sniffle, Jules lifted her head to meet Frankie’s gaze. A small smile played at the edge of her mouth and for the first time since she’d started to cry, Frankie could see the faintest hint of hope on her face.
“What about your family?”
Frankie shrugged. What about them? It had been over a decade since her parents even called her on her birthday. Christmas with them was out of the question and right now there was only one person she wanted to spend her time with.
“They’re across the country and I’m here. So will you? Spend Christmas with me?”
Wiping away one last stray tear, Jules nodded and her smile grew into a bright, full grin that suited her so much more than the sadness on her face moments earlier.
“I would love to spend Christmas with you.”