Chapter Fifteen Fiona
Brace yourself. This is a lot.
My parents descended on me the day before Sadie and Jonah’s wedding, turning up on my doorstep unforgivably early. ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked, rubbing my eyes, head woolly with the hint of a hangover. ‘I thought you were staying in a hotel.’
‘Of course we are,’ my dad boomed, at a volume that made me wince. ‘But your mother wanted to see the grandkids.’
‘They’re not here.’ My parents were lucky I was, to be honest. If there had been a way for me to linger at Tsundoku so I could spend the night with Satoshi that wouldn’t have made Sadie, Chess and Julia very suspicious, I would have done it in a heartbeat.
‘They spent the night with Jonah. He’ll drop them off later. ’
Dad ignored me. ‘And I wanted to see what I’ve been paying for.’
I let out a long breath, feeling exhaustedly ancient and like a teenager again all at once. My brothers might sometimes accidentally make me feel like Fiona Fisher, Family Fuckup, but that was nothing compared to my dad, who did it on purpose and all the time.
‘Hi, honey.’ Mum leaned over to kiss my cheek as Dad pushed past me into the house. ‘How are you?’
‘Good. How are you?’
‘You look tired.’
‘I was up late. Sadie’s hens’ party was last night.’
‘Still.’ She made a tutting sound. ‘I worry about you. That you’re not looking after yourself.’
‘I’m actually doing a lot better.’ I shepherded her towards the kitchen, where the coffee was.
‘I didn’t realise what a big milestone being formally divorced would be.
Financially, of course – the child support has made a huge difference.
’ The first thing I’d done that morning was check my bank account to make sure Matt’s February child support payment had landed. ‘But emotionally too. I feel… lighter.’
There was no chance in hell I was going to tell her why, but it was true. My problems hadn’t disappeared, but it was amazing how much easier they were to bear.
Because for the last month, Satoshi had been perfect. There was no other word for it. He had been absolutely perfect.
He’d walked me home after that first, mostly sleepless night we’d spent together, fingers laced through mine.
The sun was just coming up, the sky pink and silver and pale gold, catching in the ashy blond ends of his hair.
He’d looked like some otherworldly creature, an elfin fantasy of a man who might dissolve into a sunbeam at any moment.
When he’d kissed me goodbye, long and lingering, and left me alone in my empty house, part of me wondered if I had imagined it. If it hadn’t been for the ache between my thighs, I might have believed I had. Surely this was too good to be true.
But it had been over a month now, and instead Satoshi was just… there. Always.
And while the adult part of my brain was trying to take it slow, the part of me that could never help getting carried away felt like she was deep into a bottle of wine, unable to resist pouring another glass, and another, and another.
‘Well, I’m glad you’re feeling lighter,’ my dad grumbled, dragging me back to reality. He’d made himself at home, putting two pieces of bread in the toaster and leaving a trail of crumbs on the counter. ‘Because my wallet certainly has been.’
‘I’m so grateful for your help, Dad.’ I grabbed a cloth so I could clean up after him. ‘I’ll never be able to thank you enough.’
He had his head in the fridge. ‘Do you have any marmalade?’
‘No. There’s honey, though. Or jam.’
He made a noise of disapproval, which I chose to ignore. ‘I’m going to do my best to repay you,’ I said. ‘It’ll take me a while – a long while, probably – but I’m going to.’
‘With what?’ Another noise of disapproval. ‘The child support that chump is finally paying you? Or those silly little copywriting jobs you do?’
‘Christian,’ my mother said, in a tone which could be read as admonishing if you squinted.
I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. The first payment for my wine column had also arrived in my bank account that morning, and even though it wasn’t much, I’d carefully quarantined a portion of it in my new PAY BACK DAD fund. ‘I’ll figure it out.’
Dad snorted. ‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Fiona.’
‘We don’t expect anything like that from you,’ Mum said, patting my hand.
Ironically, even though her tone was gentler, it hurt more. My pompous professor father being dismissive of my abilities was to be expected. My fellow university dropout mother, though… that one stung.
‘How about I make you both a coffee,’ I suggested, ‘and you can tell me what’s going on with you?’
Somewhat ironically, given all the baggage my upbringing had left me with, my dad was one of the most reliable people in my life.
I could always count on him for money, to make me feel shit about myself, and to carry a conversation.
He was midway through a rant about some new lecturer named Rory they’d hired at his university who wasn’t measuring up when Jonah dropped the kids home.
‘Grandma!’ the girls shrieked, throwing themselves at my mother.
‘Hello, my darlings!’ Mum peppered their faces with kisses. ‘It’s so lovely to see you.’
‘Hi, Grandma,’ Lex said. ‘Hi, Grandpa.’
They held out their knuckles for my dad to bump. He patted them. ‘Hello, Lex.’
‘Mum, Dad, I didn’t realise you’d be here.’ Jonah ran his hand through his hair. Belatedly, I realised I should have texted him to warn him. ‘Nice to see you.’
‘Nice to see you too, Jonah.’ My mother – still entangled in the girls, who were excitedly telling her about their flower girl dresses – blew him a kiss.
‘Is that wife of yours with you?’ Dad peered disapprovingly around him, as if Jonah had Sadie concealed behind his back.
‘No. She’s still asleep.’ Jonah glanced at me. ‘She said you had fun last night.’
I turned around to pour him a coffee, in case my face flushed incriminatingly. ‘Yeah, we did.’
Between the kids and the bar, Satoshi and I hadn’t been able to get our schedules to line up for a week, so even though we’d talked and texted a lot, last night had been the first time I’d actually seen him since the previous Thursday.
Perhaps because of that – or perhaps because I was simply so pathetically addicted to him – it had taken everything in me not to physically launch myself at him.
He had clearly noticed, because he’d convinced me to pretend to go to the bathroom, following me out there about thirty seconds later and bundling me into his office.
Before I could get a single word out, he’d picked me up, set me on the desk, and buried his face in my throat, arms so tight around me that I almost couldn’t breathe. Fiona, he groaned into my skin.
I’d grinned, looping my arms around his neck. Hi.
He’d looked sheepish when he finally drew back. Sorry. I just really… needed you.
The thought that I could put that look on his face made something in me burn, and I’d curled my fingers into his waistcoat. I need you too. So badly.
Do you now? His hand snaked under my dress. How badly?
When I went back out to the table a few minutes later, my legs were wobbly and I wasn’t wearing any underwear.
‘Sadie’s friend Julia seems nice.’ I handed Jonah his coffee, forcibly pulling myself out of the memory. ‘I’ve never met her before, but I liked her.’
Jonah hesitated. ‘You know that she’s…’
‘That she’s what?’
‘Nothing. I’ll tell you later.’ He downed his coffee in two gulps. ‘I’d better be going. Tonight’ll be the first night I’ve spent apart from Sadie since we got married, so I want to spend the day with her before Chess whisks her away.’
Mum made an aww sound. Dad scoffed. ‘Will she be wearing her wedding dress next time you see her?’ Georgia asked.
‘She sure will.’
‘We saw her try it on,’ Rosie said earnestly. ‘She looked so pretty, Uncle Jonah. Like a princess.’
‘She always looks pretty.’ Jonah’s eyes turned dreamy. ‘Anyway, I’d better get back to her. Bye, everyone.’
‘Mummy,’ Georgia asked, when Jonah had left, ‘will Daddy have a wedding with the other lady, do you think?’
‘I don’t know, Georgie-girl,’ I replied. ‘I suppose he might, one day.’
It was incredible how little it hurt to say. Every second I spent with Satoshi made me more grateful I wasn’t the married pregnant chosen one.
‘Would we be the flower girls?’ Rosie asked.
I opened my mouth to respond, but Lex got in first. ‘Of course not,’ they almost spat. ‘It’d be Nikki.’
‘Oh.’ Rosie’s voice was small.
‘Hey, hey, let’s not worry about something that hasn’t even happened,’ I said. ‘How about we think about what we should do this afternoon instead? We could go to the park, or—’
‘Actually,’ my mother said, ‘I thought you—’ she kissed Rosie on the head ‘—and you—’ now Georgia ‘—and you—’ she held her knuckles out to Lex ‘—could spend this afternoon with me and Grandpa, so Mummy can have a break.’
‘What?’
She took an envelope out of her handbag. ‘A little treat.’
I opened it. It was a massage gift certificate for the day spa on the Bellerive high street, with an appointment time that afternoon on it.
‘This is lovely, but it’s really not necessary.
’ Kieran worked at that spa, and much as I was starting to trust that Satoshi actually liked my body and wasn’t just saying he did, I wasn’t anywhere near comfortable enough to be that close to his so-beautiful-it-was-like-staring-into-the-sun ex.
‘How about you go instead of me? I’m sure you could use a massage after the plane ride. ’
‘Nonsense.’ Mum waved her hand at me. ‘We’re going to have a lovely time while you get pampered. Aren’t we, my darlings?’
To my surprise, Lex was the one who responded. ‘You should go to Tsundoku after, Mum.’
I blinked. They gestured at the voucher. ‘That’s across the road from Tsundoku, right? You should go there after.’
‘Don’t you want to wait until you can come with me?’ I started to say, but Dad talked right over me.
‘What’s this you’re talking about?’