Chapter Fifteen Fiona #2
‘It’s this cool place Mum and I like,’ Lex replied. ‘You might like it too, Grandpa. They have heaps of books. That’s what tsundoku means – it’s Japanese for collecting lots of books and letting them pile up because you haven’t read them yet.’
‘You should always read the books you own,’ Dad said severely.
‘I do,’ Lex said stubbornly. ‘But don’t you think it’s exciting? The idea that you have so many books there’s always something left to read?’
‘Hmph,’ my dad replied.
By his standards, that was conceding the argument, and my heart swelled painfully with pride for my brilliant, perfect child.
‘All right,’ I said. ‘Maybe I will.’
I’d walked past the day spa plenty of times, but I’d never actually been in.
It was on the second floor, up a narrow set of stairs, and I had a stern conversation with myself as I went up them.
You’re about to have a perfectly lovely afternoon.
Lots of people work here. Don’t catastrophise about something that probably won’t happen.
But, of course, it did. ‘Welcome!’ Kieran said, smiling brightly at me from behind the reception desk. ‘You must be—’ he checked his screen ‘—Fiona, right?’
I made myself smile back. ‘That’s me.’
‘I’m Kieran. I’ll be your therapist today.’ He looked at me closely. ‘Have we met before? You look familiar.’
‘I – not formally, I don’t think. But—’
He snapped his fingers. ‘You’re one of Satoshi’s regulars.’
I could only hope my expression didn’t look too pained as I nodded.
‘Well, then, you’re a woman of great taste.’ He waggled his eyebrows at me. ‘He is my very favourite ex. And you’ll appreciate our post-treatment glass of bubbles – he’s our supplier. Come with me and we’ll get you set up.’
Kieran left me in a treatment room with instructions to take off everything except my underwear – truly, truly not something anyone should ever have to hear from their hot young lover’s hot young ex.
‘Where are you feeling the most tension?’ he asked when he came back in, straightening the towel I’d clumsily laid over my back with a few quick, deft movements.
‘I’m guessing neck and shoulders, right? You seem like a woman who works hard.’
My brain translated that into so many negative comments about how aged and withered and haggard I was that it was impossible to draw out just one. ‘Um, yes. I sit at a desk a lot, when I’m not chasing around after my kids.’
‘A mum! Wow. That’s the hardest job of all.
’ Kieran folded the towel down, exposing the length of my back – and then, in a way that would have been fine if it had been any other masseuse but was mortifying because it was him, tugged my underwear down slightly to expose the tops of my butt-cheeks.
‘I hope your husband doesn’t make you do all the work. ’
‘No – ah! – husband. Just me.’
Kieran had dug his thumbs hard into the small of my back. ‘Just what I suspected. You might not feel it day-to-day, but you’re carrying a lot of tension in your lower back. I’m not surprised, if you’re raising a family all alone.’
I winced as he did it again. ‘Not all alone. I’ve got – ah! – help. My – oh god, that hurts – family—’
‘I’ll back off a bit.’ The pressure of his thumbs eased, and I let out a long breath. ‘We’re not here to torture you today – even if it would make you feel better afterwards.’
I had a sudden flashback to one of my Thursday nights with Satoshi.
It had felt like torture – he’d brought me to the brink of orgasm probably ten times before he’d let me come (Trust me, he’d whispered, pinning my wrists above my head as I almost sobbed with how close I was, it’ll be worth it, I’ve got you).
When he finally had, I’d absolutely detonated, and afterwards, it had felt like I’d ascended to some higher plane.
‘But we’ll still pay some attention to it, okay?
The body keeps the score, and we carry more emotion in the hips than we realise.
’ Kieran’s hands smoothed up the length of my spine, forcing me to remember that they had once been on Satoshi too.
‘Any pain here?’ He pressed two fingers into the side of my jaw, just in front of my ear.
‘Some.’ Dealing with my dad always made me grit my teeth.
‘I can tell. You’ve got some swelling in your jaw.’
Your face is swollen and misshapen, my brain immediately translated.
‘It’s totally normal, don’t worry.’ Kieran returned to my back, running his hands rhythmically across the top of my left shoulder. ‘Lots of people clench their jaws. We’ll give it some love when we flip you onto your front and see if we can relieve some of that tension.’
Part of me almost didn’t want it to work, but it did.
As I sat in the spa’s relaxation room afterwards, wrapped in a fluffy bathrobe, sipping a glass of what I recognised as Bibliophile non-vintage sparkling, the ever-present ache in my jaw and neck and temples had dissipated. Kieran had magic hands.
… if only I could stop imagining him using them on Satoshi.
‘How are we going here?’ Kieran stuck his head around the doorframe, interrupting my self-torture session. ‘Can I offer you a top-up?’ He winked at me conspiratorially, holding up the bottle of sparkling. ‘I don’t do this normally, but a friend of Tosh is a friend of mine.’
The pet name stuck in my teeth. It wasn’t something I’d ever heard anyone call him before – Sato, sometimes, but never Tosh. ‘No. Thank you, though.’
He shook his head. ‘Fiona.’
‘What?’ What horrifying tidbit was he going to reveal next?
‘You’re clenching your jaw again! You’re going to undo all our hard work before you even leave the building.’
Kieran pulled up a chair and sat in front of me, knees brushing mine, a position which made it impossible not to notice how devastatingly good-looking he was.
‘Let me show you some exercises. Practise these when your jaw starts to hurt, okay? And I’d love you to come and see me again.
We did a relaxation massage for you today, but I think you’d really benefit from some remedial treatment. ’
There was no polite way to refuse booking another appointment. ‘You’re making a great call,’ Kieran told me. ‘We can really get into those hips next time. It might hurt, but—’ he flashed me a cheeky grin ‘—who’s more of a warrior than a single mum?’
I managed a faint laugh, trying to calculate how soon I could call to cancel.
He held up the bottle of sparkling again. ‘Sure you don’t want a top-up? Your homework today is to relax, and it might help.’
‘That’s all right. I might – um – run across the road and get one from the source.’
‘Great plan.’ He patted my hand. ‘Give him my love, okay?’
It was an idiom – I knew it was an idiom – but my brain immediately conjured up a detailed narrative about Kieran confessing his undying love to Satoshi, and what Satoshi would say to me when he broke things off between us. ‘Sure. So you’re… still friends?’
‘Of course. I could never give up my Tosh.’
Oh god.
‘But I did have to set him free.’ Kieran leaned back, folding his hands behind his head, biceps rippling. ‘He’s too soft-hearted, that one. He was still talking marriage and kids when it was clear things had run their course—’
My mind, which had been racing, came screeching to a halt. ‘Kids?’
‘He’d be such a good dad, don’t you think? Can’t you just imagine him with a baby in his arms?’
I nodded weakly.
‘Anyway, I had to let him go,’ Kieran said. ‘We were never going to work out, but he would have flung himself into a brick wall trying to make it work forever if I’d let him.’
It had been a while since I’d hesitated before going into Tsundoku, but I lingered for more than a moment before I pushed open the door. ‘Hi. Hope I’m not – oh my goodness, your hair!’
‘Hello to you too.’ Satoshi was serving some customers, but he took a moment to smile over at me. His glasses frames today were dark burgundy, only a slight contrast from his black – black! – hair. ‘Let me finish making these, and I’ll be right with you.’
Usually, I would watch his hands as he made cocktails – they moved so fast it was like magic – but not this time. ‘What are you thinking?’ he asked, when he finally managed to make his way over to me.
‘You look so different!’
‘I meant about what you wanted to drink.’ He wrinkled his nose at me. ‘But we can start with my hair, if you like.’
‘You look very handsome. But why the change?’
‘Because I kept running out of time to get my roots done. You saw what my regrowth was like.’
I had. He’d fallen fast asleep on my shoulder the last time I’d stayed the night, and I’d spent half an hour peacefully combing my fingers through his hair. It had been intimate in a way that even sex wasn’t, and I hadn’t felt that close or connected to someone since—
Since my kids. Since those late nights when they were babies, sitting up with them, skin to skin, exhausted and terrified all at once because my heart existed outside my body now, outside my control.
I swallowed. Can’t you just imagine him with a baby in his arms?
‘So when I finally got five minutes to go to the hairdresser, I thought I might as well revert to something easier to maintain.’ Charlotte handed Satoshi an order slip, and he glanced at it before pulling a bottle of chardonnay out of the fridge.
‘Plus, I’m going to a wedding tomorrow, and I was hoping the prettiest lady there might save a dance for me if I scrubbed up nicely. ’
‘I’m sure Sadie would love to dance with you.’
‘Ha, ha.’ He set a glass on the bar for Charlotte to collect. ‘Drink? What’s the vibe?’
‘Um…’
Kids, my heart was pounding. Kids, kids, kids.
‘The vibe is that my parents are here,’ I said, ‘and I need to fortify myself.’
‘How about we do an actual fortified, then? Something to cleanse your palate before you go home to face them?’
‘Sounds great.’ Dare I hope a palate cleanser could wash away what Kieran had told me?